Intro, living in limbo

Stairbear

Hello,
I have been reading your board for the past few days, and saw a lot of thoughtful and compassionate posts, so I'd like to join you. I also read about a lot of heart-wrenching experiences on here, so I'd like to say a collective "I'm so sorry" to all of you. This is a sisterhood no one wants to be a part of.

I am 39, and I am incredibly blessed to have a daughter who is almost 3. We've been trying to conceive a sibling for her for more than a year, and for the last six months have been under the care of an RE. After all the requisite tests/workups we started with IUI (natural, not clomid, with me giving myself an Ovridel injection before the insemination). I have very long and irregular cycles, so it feels like the process takes forever in my case. Where other people might have 13 chances to conceive in a year, I have 10 or 11. Anyway, a few weeks ago, 12 days after IUI #2, I got a BFP. I was beyond ecstatic. I had three beta draws at the RE's office (at 4W, 4W2D, 5W) and they were all encouraging, or at least in range, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound. But the third beta must have struck the RE as off, because the next day, out of the blue, I got a call from his office wanting me to come back for one more (unexpected) blood draw. I went in the next day for that, and he called later in the day and told my husband that the number was off -- both in the overall level, and in the rate of increase. He said there is a less than 5% chance that this is a viable pregnancy. That's how I went from lurking on "October 2016 moms" and "pregnant over 35" to this board.

I went in for an ultrasound the next day, to confirm that it's not an ectopic pregnancy. The gestational sac is in the uterus, which is good news. But he said he was no more encouraged than he'd been the day before. He said that "numbers are just numbers," and he has been wrong before, but based on his experience, this will end in a miscarriage. The glimmer of hope that I was holding onto that maybe this is viable has been dampened by the fact that I feel like my symptoms went away this week. My boobs shrunk back to their normal size, I'm no longer overwhelmingly sleepy in the middle of the day, and I just don't "feel" pregnant anymore.

Anyway, it feels like a cruel kind of limbo to be in: Of course I want this pregnancy to defy the odds by being viable, but at the same time, if it is doomed, I want the miscarriage to happen as soon as possible. Some of your descriptions of your miscarriages left me in tears, and I don't want to just be walking around like a zombie, wondering when it's going to happen. So it's almost like I'm rooting for two opposite outcomes at the same time. I also feel guilty for being so sad, sobbing in my bed, literally hiding from the world under my pillow, when my daughter is a bright light, a miracle and a blessing who needs her mama. I know that I'm so, so lucky to be a parent already, and that this isn't like a cancer diagnosis or like if my daughter were critically ill. But at the same time, I had bonded to the little love who was inside me, and it's so hard to say goodbye to the idea of it. And I'm still "pregnant," so I can't have a glass of wine or work out like a banshee, on the off chance that this is viable, but I also know that my loss of symptoms, coupled with what the doctor said, means that a loss is practically an inevitability at this point.

I also feel completely discouraged and daunted by the prospect of starting all over again with fertility treatments, at some point, once this is all over. I know the chances of IUI working at my age are less than 15 percent per cycle, and I felt so smug, almost, and just lucky that it worked for us and we were able to avoid IVF, but now I feel like that's our inevitable course of action.

Anyway, I just wanted to send you all best wishes and say that I'm sad for you, and I'm sad to be joining you.

iceandsnowflakes29

I am so sorry. I am in limbo, too. I waiting to miscarry naturally. There is a post at the very top titled "experiences and advice" that I found really helpful. Women shared their experiences of both d&cs  and waiting it out and it helped me come to my decision to wait it out. However, I completely understand if you do not want to go that route. I might be singing a different tune in 3 weeks. 

I have 2 children, and I understand what you are saying about your daughter. My boys are my light in the darkness and it breaks my heart for them to see me crying and upset so, I've been trying to act normal as possible. Both are too young to understand and we didn't tell my 4 year old I was pregnant  (he would probably understand that) but I don't think he understands death (I tried to explain to him that his Grandfather went to heaven and I could tell he was lost). ***sorry to bring up something religious. I don't want you think I'm preaching to you haha. I have friends from all different faiths (one Wiccan, even) and I definitely do not force feed anyone religion.**** 


But, anyway, yeah so my kids don't know nor could they comprehend so I try to keep my shit together around them. It's hard. We just tell them I'm sick and don't feel well. 

I also could tell that I was destined to miscarry before the dr confirmed it. My betas were like yours. Low but, doubling in the beginning ( 6, 53, 512, 2400, and then 3755) the last one did not double. I think the doubling calculator gave me a doubling  time of 80 hours. 

And at 6w6d my sac is empty. 

I lost all symptoms at 6 weeks on the dot. 


Anyway. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this  (((hugs)))

BrightenMySky

@Stairbear I am sorry for what you are going through.  The limbo is really hard.  I found out that my baby had died when I was 11w, but the baby probably died 2-3 weeks before that.  I still had symptoms of pregnancy and no spotting or cramping.  Even though nothing changed physically when I found out, I felt like I just wanted to cry in bed or in the shower and hide from everyone.  

I also was pregnant after IUI cycles.  I had been mentally preparing myself for 6 IUIs and then IVF (we have temp insurance coverage for fertility treatments and were going to race through the IUIs to get IVF if needed) and was beyond excited when we got the BFP.  I had been released from my RE to an OB, and going back to the RE and thinking about starting back up is really tough.  When we got the BFP, my thought had been that I didn't want to do more treatments (knowing that maybe I would change my mind down the road, that's ok), so we'd have our baby and then see what happened in terms of more kids, so I was not prepared to be going back so soon.  But I know I just want to get back into it so we can stick with our original plan if needed.  

Sending you hugs.  

AL_TwinCities

I'm so sorry - limbo is the absolute worst. I hope you can get some answers soon and I hope the news is good. There is something especially cruel about loss when you struggled to conceive in the first place. Thinking of you! We are here for you.

roxgibbons

Living in limbo is a terrible feeling and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was also going through fertility treatments as well (I'm 37) and we ended up conceiving naturally in December. Needless to say we were so excited and relieved that we didn't have to do anymore IUIs or consider IVF. We found out during a routine checkup at my OB's office on February 16 that our baby's heartbeat was gone and I opted to have a D&C the next day. I have two kids from my previous marriage but this baby was my husband's first. He was so excited about becoming a father. Now it's back to the beginning for us and I'm nervous about my age. I completely relate about having to start the treatments over and although I know women who have been successful with IUIs even at 40. I'll be 38 in July and am starting to think we should just consider IVF. 

I'm glad you found this board and just know we are all here for you and understand what you are going through. I'm hoping for a good outcome for you but in the event you need us, we are all here. 

BooksForMe23

I was in a somewhat similar situation back in December, and so I completely empathize with what you're feeling.  I hope your situation gets resolved soon so you can get on the path to healing and recovery.  So sorry you're going through this.

yolandamunoz

Dear @Stairbear I am sorry for your loss.

I am just wondering... Did you get a transvag u/s? Did they measure the sac? Maybe then you can tell if there is a embryo or not (blighted ovum) or if it stopped developing at some point, or if there is a heartbeat.

i was measured under what was expected and was told to wait a week to have another u/s. That week living in limbo was really difficult to manage, mostly because I still had some hope. Sadly the new u/s confirmed a blighted ovum that stopped developing, even though I still felt pregnant.

i hope you get some answers from your obgyn or practitioner. Do let us know how it goes.

hugs
-y

Stairbear

Thank you all for your compassionate replies. I take great comfort in them. Each of you has a uniquely heart-wrenching story, and I am amazed at how strong you all seem to be. I also have been feeling grateful to be going through this experience in the digital age, when I can find other people to commiserate with, other people who are willing to share their experiences. (@iceandsnowflakes29: I did read the "experiences" thread that you recommended, and although some of the stories are very difficult, it helps to be prepared about what's coming.) A generation ago I would have been enduring this in sorrow, maybe in shame, not having anyone to talk to about it, so I'm glad that I'm not isolated in this, and can communicate with other women who know what it feels like.

Anyway, no good news since I posted last Friday. Yesterday I had another ultrasound (yes, @yolandamunoz, it was transvag, and they measured the sac). It had grown a bit from the previous ultrasound. He doesn't think it's a blighted ovum because the first time he saw structures within the gestational sac. The second time he said he couldn't tell if it was structures or "debris." He apologized for using that word, but I still felt stricken, hearing my potential child described that way. They drew my HCG, and honestly, I was hoping it had gotten lower, so that I would have a conclusive resolution. Unfortunately, it came back today that it had risen somewhat -- it's 1561. So nowhere near where it should be for 6 weeks, but because it went up, they can't "call it" yet. I have to go to a radiology office on Thursday for a specialized ultrasound with a higher resolution machine. And even then I might not get resolution, because if they see a fetal pole, but no heartbeat, I will have to wait another week. So the limbo drags on and on.

He said he would not recommend a D&C for me, and just wants my body to "figure it out" on its own and the miscarriage to happen naturally. But I fear that the longer this goes on, as the doomed embryo continues to grow, the miscarriage will just be more gruesome and traumatic. Last night I had a tiny bit of spotting, and I was thinking, "This is it," but then nothing happened. I think that must have just been a byproduct of the ultrasound.

Although my symptoms are all gone, I still feel very sleepy in the middle of the day. Today I was all dressed for the gym, and was planning to hit it hard -- running, lifting -- and I ended up just peeling off my calf sleeves and my sports bra and curling up for a nap at home instead. I wonder if some of the hormones are still in me and are making me sleepy. Or maybe I'm just depressed. But while exercise would be good for my psyche, it's hard to do it when this is going on inside me. 

Oh, and I swear every single place i go, someone there is pregnant, with a cute little second trimester bump.

And I just want to move forward -- with IVF, or whatever we're going to do -- and I'm an impatient person, so waiting for this to be over is brutal. And I can't even have a glass of wine, because my doctor told me not to, even though he said he is convinced that I will miscarry eventually. I don't even think that first glass of wine will taste good (someone on this board said this same thing, actually), because I will wish I were still pregnant.

I keep thinking about the term "miscarriage of justice," for some reason. There's nothing just about a literal miscarriage.

Anyhoo, thanks again for all your kind responses. Wishing for the best for you all.

iceandsnowflakes29

@Stairbear  I'm so so sorry you have to go through this! I can totally relate to limbo and not getting a resolution. 

My first ultrasound at barely 5 weeks showed NOTHING.  Absolutely nada. 

At 5W6D a gestational sac that measured accordingly (5 weeks 6 days). 

At that point the dr said it could either be a) too early or b) not viable. At the time I thought he was just managing my expectations. I remained optimistic. Then, the very next day all symptoms vanished and I simply did not feel pregnant. I began to cramp. I called the nurse and begged them to move my next ultrasound up and they said it was best to wait. Longest week of my life. 

The next ultrasound rolls around, I'm 6 weeks 6 days and the gestational sac measures that exactly. However, it was still empty. The ultrasound tech said it was a blighted ovum. 

THEN the damn dr, said to do another ultrasound in 2 weeks to "make sure" because he's seen "rare cases" of something "popping up". By this point I'm pissed, if at nearly 7 weeks pregnant there is no baby visible what on earth could change at 9+ weeks?! 

Like your dr, he told me to just miscarry naturally. I'm okay with this. I don't want a d&c. I want to be able to grieve  privately in my own home when it happens. 

With that said, I'm closing in on 8 weeks with no sign of miscarriage outside of come and go cramps. 

My next ultrasound is on the 10th. 

Anyway, I totally get what you're saying  ((hugs)). 

@AL_TwinCities miscarried naturally and has been absolutely wonderful to me. I feel like she's the mother - hen of this group. 

If you're already spotting you might be closer to it than you think. I'm not even spotting yet. 

I don't doubt that your hcg is still on the rise. My weeks estimator digi still says 3+. I don't think it falls until after miscarriage  (I'm not sure, don't quote me on that ). 

Anyway, so many (((hugs))). 

Stairbear

It's happening. I'll post when it's over.

housewifehobbyist

Hugs to you @Stairbear.  So sorry you have to go through this, you'll be in my thoughts.

Stairbear

Had the miscarriage, and wanted to give an update, and thank you all for the support. Again, so lucky to live in a digital age and be able to reach out to you all this way. Maybe my update belongs in the Advice/Experience thread, which was helpful for me, but... I'm posting it here. Warning that this is long and graphic.

Got pregnant with a natural-cycle IUI. Found out at 5W2D that my HCG numbers weren't increasing fast enough, and that the pregnancy was likely doomed. Was told by our RE to wait for my body to "figure it out" and miscarry naturally. Spent 11 miserable days in limbo, while I simultaneously mourned the loss and prayed that this was a one-in-a-million pregnancy that would prove viable. An ultrasound at 6W3D saw the sac had grown, but it was measuring behind, and fluid around it indicated a miscarriage was imminent. Started spotting on Saturday night (two days later), and on Sunday night -- conveniently, after I'd watched the Downton Abbey series finale -- things got going. I was 7W at that point.

I was prepared with the largest menstrual pads in history, but I wasn't prepared for the pain. I felt like I was laboring all night. I'd lie down in bed and have the unpleasant sensation of blood flowing/gushing out of me. Then I'd go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and pass large clots. It was highly unpleasant. Whereas in the days leading up to this event, I had tried to convey love to this little being inside me, and tried to tell it how much I loved it, by the time the miscarriage itself happened, I felt true revulsion over the event. I had no control over what was coming out of my body, and I just was horrified. Then, around 5 am, I got into bed and started shivering/shaking. And the pain set in. I found it very, very painful, and the Aleve wasn't making a dent in the pain. I never labored with my daughter (had to have an early C-section), so I felt completely unprepared for this discomfort. It really freaking hurt, and I was thinking, I can't believe women have natural births without any epidural.

I counted the seconds until the RE's office opened, and then had my husband call and get them to prescribe something for me. It was Tylenol with codeine. Helped immensely, and I slept and changed pads the rest of the day (Monday). Around 6pm, I went to sit on the toilet, not in any pain anymore, and as soon as I sat down I passed the gestational sac. I'm sure that's what it was. I knew it was over at that point.

Since then, I've had bleeding, more like a period, except that it's sporadic as opposed to steady. I went back for an ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday, three days after the miscarriage, and they confirmed I'd passed the sac, although the uterine walls were still thick, and they have to keep an eye on that (as well as continue to follow my HCG levels).

When I was at that appointment, I said to the RE, "I hesitate to offer any critical feedback, because you've been very compassionate, but I wish you had strategized with me on pain management beforehand, so I wasn't left in the lurch in the middle of the night." And he said, "I can't remember the last time I had to prescribe a narcotic for an early miscarriage. It's been years." So I felt totally shamed, as if I'm a wimp with a low pain tolerance (I actually don't think I have a particularly low pain tolerance), and I felt like I'd somehow "failed" my miscarriage somehow. I was really upset about it until I mentioned it to my friend, who is a clinician at Planned Parenthood, and she was like, "He is an a---hole. When I am supervising a medicated abortion or a miscarriage, I prescribe Advil AND Tylenol with codeine, and it STILL hurts." She reminded me that the experience of a miscarriage at 7 weeks is not like a miscarriage at 5 weeks -- it's not like a "heavy period with cramping," which is what the doc told me to expect. I was like, "Yeah, it felt more like an 'Event,' not a period." So, I felt grateful to have a friend who could make me feel better about myself and give me a reality check and help me to get past the shame. But I'm annoyed at this doctor, who I previously really liked. Even if he had said something like, "I can't have known how you would respond to the pain -- every woman is different," I would have felt OK about it. But telling me that he can't remember the last time he had to prescribe a narcotic before me? That made me feel awful.

Okay, sorry I wrote a book here. I'm following all your threads and wishing you all the best.

iceandsnowflakes29

I just took cytotec to induce my miscarriage and even with Tylenol 3 I was still sitting on the toilet screaming and sobbing with the urge to push. Prior to that I laid in bed screaming with time - able contractions and the heating pad between my LEGS because of the overwhelming pelvic pressure. 

Kick your doctor in the nuts. 

My doctor almost didn't rx anything and I basically refused to leave until he did. 


Anyway. You are not a wimp. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

BrightenMySky

Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for your loss.  

We found out about my mmc at 11w, but baby was measuring about 8w.  The OB that offered me cytotec told me it would be like a heavy period (but did offer pain pills).  After talking to some friends who had been through cytotec, I could not believe she would call it a "heavy period" (and opted for the d&c).  When I told my mom about it, she scoffed that someone would even think that vicodin would really help based on her experiences with labor and delivery of us kids.  I cannot believe how some doctors act as if this is totally routine when it is so traumatic for us as the patients, both physically and emotionally--really poor bedside manner.  I am so sorry for the pain you endured and the reaction of your doctor.  I am glad your friend was so helpful.

Spartanrd4

I was given Norco after my D&C so I can't even imagine a doctor not giving pain medicine for natural or cytotec. Thankfully had some Norco left for my kidney stone and they gave me naproxen too...that pain was no joke! You are not weak @Stairbear !