Trying to sleep train with hovering MILs...

BethP321

So my son is 8 weeks old.  And we are in our early 20s living with baby daddy's parents while we try to establish ourselves financially.  Anyway, my MIL is the definition of a helicopter grandma.  My baby will only get tired or sleep when someone is holding him, bouncing, moving, rocking, etc.  He has never self soothed and will not tire himself to sleep.  On top of that, it's extremely hard to begin to sleep train when I have an eager grandma who just wants to pick him up and hold him the moment he starts to fuss.  Like just tonight, we were laying on the living room floor (on a blanket) trying to see if he could self soothe for just a moment and I go to grab a diaper (thinking it was a reason he may be crying).  I turn around for one second and grandma has already swooped in to try and save the day.  Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

How have you ladies dealt with this?  What tips or tricks did you use to help teach your baby to sleep through the night?  Is it too early to start sleep training or self soothing?

navyblueladybug

The first thing I would do would be to tell MIL your plan. She may just be trying to help out if she doesn't know what's going on. If she does know about the sleep training, tell her again... She obviously needs some re-education. My DD has been sleeping through the night since week 7. We put her down sleepy but not asleep. She usually falls asleep for the night after eating her last bottle and wakes up a little when we put her down. She normally drifts back to sleep fast, but if she starts waking up, we just leave her. We put on the noise machine and don't touch her. She falls asleep eventually without much fuss. If she fully wakes up it's usually because she's still hungry so I'll give her the rest of the bottle or make her another ounce and that usually does the trick. We have a really easy baby though, she isn't much of a crier so if you have a crier it might take some trial and error. My sisters son didn't sleep through the night until he was a year old! He had to be held ALL THE TIME though. Our DD is 13 weeks tomorrow and still sleeping 8 hour stretches. Good luck! You'll get there eventually. 

BethP321

navyblueladybug said:

The first thing I would do would be to tell MIL your plan. She may just be trying to help out if she doesn't know what's going on. If she does know about the sleep training, tell her again... She obviously needs some re-education. My DD has been sleeping through the night since week 7. We put her down sleepy but not asleep. She usually falls asleep for the night after eating her last bottle and wakes up a little when we put her down. She normally drifts back to sleep fast, but if she starts waking up, we just leave her. We put on the noise machine and don't touch her. She falls asleep eventually without much fuss. If she fully wakes up it's usually because she's still hungry so I'll give her the rest of the bottle or make her another ounce and that usually does the trick. We have a really easy baby though, she isn't much of a crier so if you have a crier it might take some trial and error. My sisters son didn't sleep through the night until he was a year old! He had to be held ALL THE TIME though. Our DD is 13 weeks tomorrow and still sleeping 8 hour stretches. Good luck! You'll get there eventually. 

Lol I just find it frustrating.  She even says she needs to stop rocking him to sleep multiple times a day, but then grabs him two seconds after I put him down.  I don't want to be mean about it, but I don't feel like rocking my son to sleep until he's a year old...  Oh my.  That can be grandma's job if she doesn't want to help lol.

BethP321

Oh and I forgot to add that he was super easy, until grandma taught him "the boppy dance".  Now that's all he wants all the time, I can't calm him without it (which isn't too enjoyable for mommy at 4am).

Knottie65841689

In my opinion an 8 week old baby is fussing/crying because they need something or they want to be cuddled. To young to be sleep trained. Honestly they are only small for a short period of time and there is a reason they cry, or fuss.

navyblueladybug

She's probably just one of those people who hate to see their kids/grandkids cry... They aren't hurt, they won't be traumatized if they cry, but some people don't get that. Just keep telling her your wishes. If she doesn't respect them, I'd try moving to a place where she won't turn up... Your bedroom or somewhere you can let LO cry for a few mins without her bursting in. Oh man, don't be like my sister and put up with a baby that'll only sleep when being held... She never really tried to fix it and I babysat him for the summer he turned one and had to hold him for his two naps of the day... One nap was 2 hours and the other was usually 3. I didn't get anything done all week!!! (But I did love the baby snuggles

BethP321

I love the baby snuggles, don't get me wrong, I just don't want to be shooting myself in the foot for the future.  And I agree and disagree with the person who said he is too young.  When he is fine and nothing is wrong, he will yell the second i set him down, but will quiet down if I have a white noise machine.  Like right now, he's laying in the pack and play (wide awake) but has only yelled once or twice and then quiets down.  He has been nonstop cuddled and snuggled with for 8 weeks, so i don't expect him to sleep full nights, especially at 2 months, but it is possible.  The sooner I start, the easier it will be on all of us when he is old enough to get on a decent sleep schedule.

Gingermom15

We gave Henry all the snuggles and picked him up up every time he cried. Just made sure to put him down when he got sleepy, sometimes he would fuss for a minute before drifting back to sleep. Around 12 weeks a switch went off and he wouldn't sleep at all while being held and we had to be out of eyesight. When they are so young they are crying for a reason, whether it is physical or emotional. It won't last forever. There is a reason sleep training is recommended for babies 6M+.

I found that following his schedule of when he ate and slept, then establishing a bedtime routine around that helped more than anything. He needed to be in a dark, quiet room with a white noise machine to settle. Some nights were smooth and some were a nightmare, but the bad nights were due to growth spurts/gas and would have been hard regardless. 

blended10

^^^this. Google it for the love of everything good. An 8-week old is not manipulating you. They need to be held sometimes just to be held. If you want to give your baby a minute to "settle" fine but sleep training at 8 wks ain't gonna happen. If you have a baby that sleeps through the night at 8 wks I've got news: that has to do with your baby & their metabolism - not you & your amazing parenting skills. Sorry. 

https://jezebel.com/lets-admit-it-we-have-no-idea-if-sleep-training-babies-1694601405

ETA: sorry for the rant just dealing irl with a friend with unrealistic expectations regarding her newborn & sleep & said exactly this to her. So this is my real life answer not a polite internet answer 

BethP321

blended10 said:

^^^this. Google it for the love of everything good. An 8-week old is not manipulating you. They need to be held sometimes just to be held. If you want to give your baby a minute to "settle" fine but sleep training at 8 wks ain't gonna happen. If you have a baby that sleeps through the night at 8 wks I've got news: that has to do with your baby & their metabolism - not you & your amazing parenting skills. Sorry. 

https://jezebel.com/lets-admit-it-we-have-no-idea-if-sleep-training-babies-1694601405

ETA: sorry for the rant just dealing irl with a friend with unrealistic expectations regarding her newborn & sleep & said exactly this to her. So this is my real life answer not a polite internet answer 

I just asked if he was too young and what should I do to start to get him to adjust.  We haven't even taken the first steps in sleep training.  I understand he cries for a reason, he's 8 weeks old for goodness sake.  Right now, my main concern is that he won't settle or fall asleep unless someone is bouncing him because that's the only thing everyone else in this house knows how to do.  You even said it takes a minute for him to settle when you set him down, but I have a whole army of people in this house that pick him up the second he starts to makes the slightest noise.  I'm not expecting a two month old to sleep through the night, but everything I've seen people post about what NOT to do is exactly what everyone in my house is doing and I can't even fight it.  He won't get tired.  Period.  unless, like I said, someone is bouncing him, and even then they keep bouncing him until he is completely asleep, they won't put him down when he's sleepy.  So we don't even have any type of schedule or routine.  I appreciate your advice, it just came across as a complete attack about my "amazing parenting skills".  Good grief.

blended10

No attack - not you personally - you like the plural sense. I know I came across  harsh so I edited. I get it. Power to the people, mama.  Go with your gut.

blended10

@BethP321 I just had this realization that I think I was more talking to myself. This is hard. It's hard when your whole day is spent rocking & feeding & giving everything to this little being. And you need them to be a little independent because you don't want to do this for.ever. And here comes mil - who def won't have to do this forever - and mussing up your hard work. It's hard. But this will go by fast. And they will self-sooth (even if it takes a year) and it just sucks right now. I am trying real hard not to wish-away this part bc it's my last kid but oh man is it hard. Again- apologies for being harsh. 

Court11152325

At 9 weeks DD has started doing some self soothing, but it's rare. I understand that it becomes more reliable around 12 weeks. 

Babies can't be sleep trained this young, but you can start a routine. Our routine helps DD settle down. Usually around 8:30 we do a bath or lotion massage. She really likes when we get in the bath with her. After that she gets her pjs on and swaddled (arms out). I have white noise on and her pack n play is next to the bed. She nurses for 30 minutes. I usually let her comfort suck some and in her drowsy state I put her down. I used to try to get her in deep sleep first, but now I get her drowsy and then give her a paci if she needs it.

Now all of this is given that my mom is trying to sleep train now and I keep telling her it's too soon. My parents watch her in the day and live with us. Part of me is worried she's letting her fuss too much in the day. So I know exactly how you feel with having a grandparent do the opposite of what you want. It's really frustrating. Could you ask your partner to have a talk with her? I've had to tell my mom that we aren't sleep training yet.

angelicac06

8 weeks is extremely young to sleep train. I recommend establishing or continuing a bed time routine so that your LO anticipates it. That should help him sleep better. There's an excellent thread on this for ideas. Some newborns do not self soothe and some cannot fall asleep when laid down drowsy. The ones who STTN this young are more due to weight, metabolism etc some are just luck lol.  There is something to "settling" however my LO is a grunter. I used to pick him up every time he grunted in the MOTN. I soon learned he was more than half asleep still therefore I began giving him a few seconds and he'd go straight back to sleep. On the few occasions he'd wake himself up, he'd cry and that was my cue to attend to him. That's the differential. Once crying you should not let them settle. Not this young at least.

As far as your MIL goes, communication is key. Let her in your new or established bed time routine if you have one or what you intend to do that way she doesn't unknowingly sabotage your efforts. If she does on purpose I'm afraid you'll have to deal with it until you're out of her house. Perhaps explaining in a non confrontational tone how it benefits your son, she'll oblige.  Goodluck and I hope everything works out for your family.

JElizbetty

I just kind of go with the flow DS at 10 weeks put himself to sleep and I felt so accomplished lol. But as far as MIL tell her your plan, get her involved so she can feel like she has something to do with it as well. Or go to your room and close the door so she can't come and swoop baby up. I have a helicopter MIL too but we don't have to deal with it everyday so I just try to let it go, but I know what you mean about the saving the day part when you just want to parent your child the way you want to. 

Knottie35278873

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm 21, my husband is 23, our son is 4 months old (I'm creeping from N15) and we live with my husband's parents currently because of financial reasons. My husband's parents absolutely adore my son and honesty I adore them. My husband works out of state 5 days a week. My in-laws are the ones who help me when I need it (especially when my son was first born and I was recovering from a c-section and had no clue how to take care of a baby by myself). But of course there has been a time or two (especially when my son was younger and my post partum hormones were crazy) when they would drive me up the wall because of how like crazy they are about my son. They always wanted to be around him and holding him and idk it was hard at first because he was so new and I was trying to get used to him but I had my in-laws up my ass constantly it felt like. They gradually backed off and have become normal now lol. But sleep training when there are people around who want to hold your baby and rock your baby to sleep for naps, it's difficult. I just started sleep training like a week or two ago. Before that we bed shared. But I made sure that when I started sleep training, to like make in known to everyone "yeah I'm trying to switch Aiden to his crib. I've done a lot of research on it and due to this 4 month sleep regression, it's suggested to have your baby in bed no later than 7:15 at nights" just so they're aware that when it's hitting 6:30ish, I'm about to start his sleep routine if I haven't already. And they're at work during the day so I don't have to deal with anybody when it comes to naps.

Your baby is so young though and honestly I don't see sleep training working very well this early on. I mean some people somehow get it to work early but they usually start like at birth. Idk. I'm not an expert. Just from my (short) experience, I feel like holding off on sleep training until a little later will save you a lot of trouble and a lot of unnecessary sleepless nights! But really it's your decision, do what's best for you and your family! The only reason I'm sleep training now is because even when bed sharing, he had gotten to where he was sleeping awfully due to the 4 month sleep regression so I did my research and its just what feels right for now. He's still in my room though because I'm a helicopter mom tbh lol. I'd bed share forever if I was able to be a stay at home mom but since I'm about to start school and I need him to be able to sleep without me, I figured I needed to attempt to train him! 

Good luck with the in-laws and good luck if you decide to sleep train!!! 

kelseyofanne

I think in the end you have to do what works.  To my knowledge I've never met an adult who still has to be bounced to sleep so I think don't be too worried about 'bad habits' especially this young.  

That said I totally understand about the swooping.  I think just continue to be firm with the others about what you want and why.  If that doesn't work even trying to get baby to practice a little bit of self settling when you two are on your own will still be beneficial towards your goal.