1st for me, 4th for him. How to feel special?

thatgirlwoman

Married a sweet man with 3 kids from prior marriage who I adore. We are good,  but when I think of the birth and going to appointments together and classes I just don't feel its very special in his eyes. I know he's seen it all and even though he is very sweet to me and says nice things, it's just not working for me. He can't remove his past and I don't know how we are going to make this a special thing between us other than we love each other.  Is there anything we can do so I don't feel this way and know this is special and feel more special and magical? 

thatgirlwoman

Hope this makes sense.  Special isn't the right word bit I couldn't think of another way to say it. Maybe it is better to say I don't feel as unique or my baby isn't as important or like it's our experience because he's had it already with someone else.

Piperella

I have no experience being in your situation, but it's not fair to assume how you're thinking he's feeling as his actual feelings.  That's almost guaranteeing you that result.  His previous experiences do affect how he feels, but I can't imagine that it doesn't make your first biological child together as not being unique and special.  I would focus on your own feelings and doing things that feel special and good to you as a couple.  Those will be unique experiences the two of you share.  Go to classes together, do a pottery project for the baby's room, etc.  I'm sorry you feel this way and hope that you're able to feel that you two are doing something very special together that isn't overshadowed by your feelings of him having other children.

carrieandr

I totally understand how you're feeling, but maybe it will help to think of it this way. I'm my parents' second child, but I'm still special. In fact, after I was born, a nurse came in with "it's a boy" and "it's a girl" buttons and my parents realized they didn't even know which I was. They were so excited to meet me, they didn't even think about it.

Another thing to consider is, you may be imagining that your husband would have behaved a certain way if it was his first. And he may not have ever been that way. This is my DH's first child (aside from a stepson from his previous marriage) and he couldn't be more hum-drum about it. Ultrasounds don't interest him, my growing belly doesn't intrigue him. He's a typical man and he's not into this stuff.

One final thing I want to say is that I felt a little funny about marrying someone who had already married someone else. But now I just feel lucky that I'm the one who gets to keep him. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He's having a baby with me.

...And I assume when he finally meets the baby, that's when I'll see how special she is to him.

bgf1

I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I second what others have said.... In my experience pregnancy is just different for a man, my husband happily goes along to appointments or US, or vaguely weighs in when requested.  He is an amazing father and husband, but it is not fair for me to expect my emotions and experiences to be his.

Generally I am too quick to assign feelings or motivations to my dh...  Would it be helpful to ask him how he is feeling or inquire if the experience is different for him as he's been through it before?

Finally with two children and the third on the way, my experience is that even with the second or the third that each pregnancy infancy and childhood is unique as every child is unique and every family functions differently at discreet moments in time.  Your experience raising this this child together will be special, unique and shared by only you and your dh

thatgirlwoman

Thanks ya'll. He's saying the same thing you are.I know it's always different each time and every single birth is different. I am feeling very happy and bouncy, so this was a strange feeling that's been lingering around that I wasn't familiar with. We talk about it, he says he can't remove the past. 

TheRealHeatherG

Look, you're not going to recreate the experience (for him) of it being his first child - but that was already true for him once his second child was born. 

What IS new for him is experiencing this with YOU. So to assume it's not special would be wrong; it's just special for different reasons.

I understand that (your love for your step-kids aside) you wish this was the first for you both. And I won't lie - I'm a FTM and my SO is a first-time dad, and that does make it special for us as a couple. But it's certainly not the only thing that makes it special, and to enjoy your pregnancy and the excitement of anticipating your new baby, you have to try and remember that you've created new little life with this man, and that's amazing!!! And he will be so focused on you and your new family of three, that I promise it WILL be special for him, too.

alitria

I understand it's not the same to be going through something the first time and it's not the first for the other person. 

I was married prior to being married to my husband and it was definitely different for him to be getting married for the first time, especially since we were both older (41 for him and 34 for me.)  However, in many ways, it didn't make the experience LESS special for me, it made me realize how different it was from my relationship with my first husband and how much I valued it more because I KNEW it wasn't always that way and it was obvious to me how much different (and better) things were the second time around.  When our son was born at 34 weeks, my husband was away on a work trip that we had even debated him going on and he wasn't able to get home until the next day.  So, even though he was honestly pretty checked out with my first pregnancy, he's been way more involved with this one because being a dad isn't an abstract concept to him anymore and he is more excited and prepared and puts more value in the experience that he did before.  At the same time, I have to remind myself that he doesn't really know what to expect from the birth because he missed the first one.  Though I'm hoping that my first emergency birth in the middle of the night and making it to the hospital in an ambulance less that 30 minutes before he was born is not what I should expect this time. 

Every big life event is different for every person experiencing it, even when is the "first" for both of them.  That's ok, find your joy in it being your first.  Let him find joy in it being your first child as a couple or in being able to enjoy it without the fear and uncertainty that I think it more common in your first pregnancy.  The important thing is to find ways you can share in the joy of this experience instead of comparing it to previous experiences. 

mthoomom

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time! Obviously you can't turn back time and make this the first time for both of you, but have you thought about what experiences are important to you during this pregnancy? It could be maternity photos, or shopping for baby items together. Whatever it might be, advocate for the things that are meaningful to you. This is my third pregnancy, but my husband's first, and to me it doesn't feel any less special than the first time because this is the first baby of OURS! 

ShanRum3

I would talk to him about doing something together, like @mthoomom suggested. This is our 3rd baby, and I kind of feel like it's just old news to DH now... When I was pg with the first 2, he was more interested and would do things like rub my belly and lay his head on my belly, etc. He's doing none of that this time, and it frustrates me and makes me feel like he's not interested in this baby. I'm hoping that after we have our 20 week scan and make sure we are having a boy, that we can go shopping together, maybe pick out crib bedding or something.