Missed miscarriage

smazzaca

I feel like crap and there's no other way to put it. I was 8 weeks pregnant but my baby died at 6 weeks and my body didn't miscarry. My husband and I found out at the ultrasound appt. this was easily the worst day of my life. From here I had to see my doctor to get further instruction on what was next. My doctor strongly advised against a d and c and pushed the pills. I took the pills on Friday and the pain was unbearable. I was so scared and I hated every minute of this process. My world felt like it came crashing down on Tuesday and I haven't been back to work since. Today's my first day back but idk if I'm emotionally and mentally ready to go back. My days have been really long bc I can't stop thinking about everything. I have been crying randomly throughout the past few days. I've been angry and feel so hurt. I know this is more common than spoken about and I'm not the only one that's going through this but I feel like I'm so alone. My husband doesn't handle things the same way that I do. He doesn't show emotions like I would like him to. I feel angry that he doesn't. Is anyone experiencing a similar situation? 

Neikoda

@smazzaca I know exactly how you're feeling. I had my second loss back in December and although DH was there for me to vent and cry, I didn't feel like he was mourning in the way that I was. We had a discussion about it and unfortunately for men, especially in early pregnancy they haven't made that connection the same way us women do. Although a cheesy Juno quote, it's true, “A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant, a man becomes a father when he sees his baby.” This unfortunately will stay on you for some time. I know it took me a few months to feel back to normal and some days I still have my lows. The best thing you can do for your self is reach out for support to people who understand what you're going through. A great active board on here is TTC After Loss. Even if you are not actively trying to conceive, the ladies over there are extremely helpful and supportive even if you just need to talk. I wish you the best of luck in moving forward. Just know that you are not alone in this. Give yourself time to grieve, it's natural even if society makes you feel like it isn't. Reach out for the support that you need but try not to let it consume every moment of your day. I know it's difficult but finding something, anything to distract you for a while is the first steps to starting to feel normal again. Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.

musicinmysoul17

I agree with PP that men do not grieve in the same way, they just can't. I miscarried my first pregnancy 2 weeks ago and my husband was there for me, held me while I cried, let me be angry, and just kept saying over and over "I don't know what you're going through but I know it hurts and I'm here" and that was so comforting. Now that it has been a little bit of time, to me, it seems like he doesn't think about it. But I know he does, just differently. I still get sad everyday because something always makes me think about it and some days are worse than others. On my bad days I either have to just get by myself and just cry it out or I do something that takes my mind off it like watching a funny show. I know the pain won't ever totally go away but it will get easier eventually, it'll just take time and I don't know how much time that will be. Definitely find someone you can talk to that has been there. I have a close friend that lost her first and I just text her when I'm having a hard time and it helps. *Hugs*

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband has been similar to @becbec28 in the "I don't know but I'm here for you" and lots of hugs and comforting.  Although I think it's definitely impacting him, he has said that he did not have the same bond with our child that I did at this point.  I sent him a few articles that I identified with and found validating, including stuff from https://verilymag.com/tag/miscarriage/ and https://bitchmedia.org/article/ask-bear-it-okay-be-so-so-sad-about-my-miscarriage (warning, this has a political/pro-choice slant, so if you do not lean that way, I would avoid it, but I found it very helpful), which he said helped him understand where I am coming from.

You are not alone.  It took me a few weeks to join this board (I did not feel like I wanted to be on TB right after our loss), but I have found it so helpful and meaningful to post here, both my own threads and in response to others sadly going through loss as well.  So I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

Please be gentle on yourself.  If you are able to work from home, work shorter days, or take more sick leave, those might help you adjust to getting on a schedule.   I have been back at work for a little over a week, and sometimes it is a welcome distraction, but othertimes I feel like my skin is crawling and I just want to go home and cry in the shower.  

madamerwin

I am so sorry for your loss. I also miscarried 5 days ago (well, I'm still going through it, but the majority of it took place last Wednesday). It has been the hardest 5 days of my life.

I can relate to you regarding your husband. My husband is very pragmatic and pretty positive, and there was one point last week where I was particularly upset and he asked me how long we need to grieve about this, why can't we just look forward? Needless to say, this was one of the most insensitive comments he could have made. I then Googled a few articles about how to support someone going through a miscarriage and shared them with him. After he saw from an outsider's perspective what it is like, he felt really, really bad about how he was acting. But yes, I was also angry that he was not more upset. We handle our emotions very differently, but it can be so hard when you feel like your partner doesn't get what you're going through.

smazzaca

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry for your loss too. I appreciate your kind words and advice and will try to talk to him again tonight 

roshelle829

I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone's right, men grieve a pregnancy loss differently than women and they're usually able to move on from it a lot sooner than women. I experienced a missed miscarriage a few weeks ago and just naturally miscarried at home on Friday. My husband cried with me the day I found out. He was very supportive of me over the next several weeks and still continues to be, but I think he's moved on. I wanted a d&c immediately because having to go about my life for 2 weeks with a deceased fetus inside me made me miserable beyond belief. Unfortunately, I have epilepsy so the pills weren't an option for me. The last several weeks have been hard for me as well, as I can imagine they've been hard for you. Take whatever time you need to grieve, do things either alone or with your husband that make you happy, and seek support from those who will provide you with the comfort that you need. I have found a lot of help in this board and read it a lot.

smazzaca

I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words.