IVF and planning baby shower

mskeenan

Hi ladies. Having a rough day over here. I just need to vent. Granted, I'm on a ton of estrogen (2 estrogen patches every 2 days, estrace 3x/day and Lupron shots every day for what feels like forever) to prepare for my FET. I was having an ok morning then had a meeting to plan a baby shower for my best friend and I am falling apart. I didn't want to plan a baby shower. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for my friend. But with my FET coming up in a few weeks I don't want more on my plate. A mutual friend approached me a week ago asking me to co host with her. I was upfront with the friend and told her I would help as much as I could but that I wouldn't be ok taking on a majority of the tasks due to what I am going through. The friend was cool and said she was fine being the leader.

Well, today we had lunch to discuss the shower with the mom to be. We discussed potential dates for the shower. The date we decided on is a few days after my Beta following my FET. I wanted to speak up and say "sorry ladies, I don't feel comfortable going to a baby shower much less planning one the week of my beta" but I didn't want to make things about me. So... now I am involved in planning a shower during one of the most stressful times of my life. The mom to be knows all about my IVF stuff and didn't think to ask me if that date was ok with my IVF schedule. I am really upset. I don't know if I have the right to be. It's not about me. I hate that infertility has turned me into a self centered person. I don't think my friends even realize how difficult this time for me is even though I've probably given them more detail than I should have.

Every time I talk to my friend (s) about my IVF journey, they just say "omg you are gonna be pregnant in less than a month!!" and it makes me so angry. I have explained to them countless times that the treatment does not work every time. They don't seem to get it.. or understand how much pressure I feel.

Have any of yall had to go through planning a baby shower during your infertility? How the hell did you get through it? I almost blew up at lunch. I teared up under my sunglasses.. and of course I feel guilty for that too.

khochanadel

I've been there. I co-hosted a baby shower right after we had to terminate an ectopic pregnancy. It was hard, but luckily it was a shower for a second-time mom so it was just a lunch, cake balls, and diapers affair that wasn't all "look how cute and pregnant I am and you're not."  It will be over before you know it; FX for a successful FET!

laurenlalap

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I know how hard it can be.
During one of my miscarriages I went to a work shower when the mom-to-be just kept saying over and over how she didn't even try to get pregnant, she's so not ready to be a mom, and she doesn't think she's ready. etc etc.
I just wanted to scream.
You're a good friend, but if you think it's too much, I would kindly back out. The longer I go through this process, the more I am realizing that I need to keep my interests and family's interests first and foremost. 

srh18

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  

One of my best friends is due in June with her shower in April. Thankfully I have been left out of the planning process since I live in a different state, but it has nonetheless been really hard. I am unsure if this is the most healthy thing to do, but I have decided to pretend like I am not going through fertility treatments when I talk with her/shop for her/interact with other friends about the baby/shower. I throw myself completely into celebrating her pregnancy instead of despairing over my lack of one. Then sometimes I cry when I'm alone when I'm feeling really overwhelmed. We all deserve to wallow every once in a while. I guess I'm using it as a distraction the best I can.

Best of luck to you and I agree with the other ladies-if it's too much, bow out. Sometimes we have to worry about ourselves first. If we give everything we have to everybody around us, we won't have anything left for ourselves. And we need a lot to get through this process.

mskeenan

Omg @laurenlalap - I would have lost my shit in that situation . It's so hard when people take their pregnancies for granted . Thank you for the advice . I feel like backing out completely would make me feel insanely guilty because she is one of my best friends . I just hate that I don't want to put a lot into this whole ordeal

@khochanadel I don't know how you got through that - you are one tough cookie ! Even if it was a small shower I bet it was still very difficult for you . Thank you for your kind words . 

@srh18 like you , I've been taking the approach of being positive about my friends pregnancy up until today . I just snapped . I wish I could separate my pain from her joy . 
I'll let you know how it goes , thank you !! 


I Think what makes matters worse for me is that this friend and I would have been due if my one and only pregnancy hadn't resulted in a chemical . I keep feeling like ... this could have been me . I would be this far along . This journey is just unfair . 

PrayingMom2Be

I'm in the same shoes as u right now! My nephew and his fiancé are expecting their first in July and her best friend asked if I would help with their baby shower. Being who I am, I of course said yes. So as I'm getting ready for my 5th transfer I'm in the early stages of their shower that for sure will be coed and upwards of 100 guests! To make matters worse she found out the same day as my 3rd beta and if that would of been a BFP we would be due around the same time!
Most of our family knows we are actively trying but have no clue about our IVF journey except for my in-laws, a brother and sister in law. 
She is starting to show quite a bit now and I am over the moon for them and even more excited to add  another great niece/nephew but I can't help feel envious everytime I see her and her glowing belly! 
We all know too well that God works in mysterious ways where he has blessed those less fit to be parents with healthy babies and us more than ready ones are struggling just to have ONE! 
But I know the right time is only God's time!! So with that being said I pray that you, I and others find strength to push forward and get through it all!!! 

tvh1982

I've learnt through this journey that it is ok to say no.
Sure we all want to be nice, we all want to be happy for the pregnant women and none of us want it to be just about us.
But let's face it, we can't always be nice, be happy and wisk out our feelings. 
So, if it's already giving you stress and negative feelings tell them you can't do it. They won't completely understand, as they are not going through what you are, but they will try to understand.
That doesn't make you a bad person. 
Tell your best friend how you feel, honestly, if she's your best friend she'll try to understand.

Tulips29

I get that you want to be there for your friend, but during these times people become selfish (sometimes not even realizing it) and it's all about them. I would talk to the friend and if she's truly your best friend, she will understand if you can't be as involved as you'd want to be. You have to worry about yourself during this time and not stress yourself even more than you already are. No one will truly understand the infertility struggle until they go through it all, but you have to do what's right for you. Don't feel guilty! 

I don't have the exact same experience of planning a shower, but my 2 friends (including my BFF are pregnant right now). I'm going to one baby shower next weekend (where a few of the girls will be pregnant) and I know it will make me feel so sad. My best friend is due this summer and is talking about a possible baby shower already (and the dates are looking to be sometime after my transfer), which I know I will have to plan. She knows my struggles, so I plan to be upfront with her about possibly not being able to help with a lot of it all. I already came to terms with the fact that she may be upset with me, but I've told her in the past that she will never understand what I'm going through. It's going to take a few heart to heart conversations, but in the end I hope she understands me at least a bit. 

KLake42

I totally feel you.  The week my IVF was cancelled, I got pulled into helping a friend who was actually having a baby.  I took her soup in the maternity ward, and then spent a day helping to care for her toddler at home.

Most days, it would be cute to wrestle with a giggling 2-year-old who didn't want to wear pants, but it was just tearing my heart into pieces.  It was almost more than I could bear.

In reality, my friend's baby was very premature, and spent some scary days in the NICU (my friend developed pre-eclampsia and had to have an early c-section), so it was just terrible timing all around, and I'm glad I had a chance to help.  I'm happy that the baby got to go home, and after I adjusted to my own disappointment, I had a very nice evening holding the tiny thing, huffing baby head.  That still hurt, but I think it was good for me.

This stuff is all really messy, and it stirs up some of our messiest feelings.  Please keep in mind that you can't control your feelings-- you just have them, and process them.  It's okay to focus on your own needs.  It's also totally okay to bail on a social event like this.

Here's something-- I give you permission to call in sick to this party if you need to.  If you feel like talking to your friends about what's happening, and being up front and honest, that's totally cool, too.  But if you don't want to open up about it, and you don't want to go to that party, you have permission to tell them that your hormones have given you a migraine, and you're so sorry, you can't be there.  I think it's 100% ethical and appropriate to do that.

I will of course cross all my fingers and toes that you find yourself in a celebratory mood that week!