Today can suck it. (Tw: NB baby and my DD mentioned)

MamaCoffin

First my MIL calls to tell me she's a great aunt again. My cousin in law just had her second baby. 2 under 2.

Then...  My DD sees my stretch marks under the harsh lights of the Marshalls dressing room. She says "my tummy doesn't look like that". I said "Yeah but you've never grown babies in your tummy". She responded with "Yeah but your last baby died".

Cue breakdown in public. 

Now my MIL won't stop sending me pictures of the "sweet new baby!".

I don't know how to respond. I want to tell her to stop. I'm happy for my cousin. I am. But I just can't deal with it today. 

Who wants to set the day on fire with me?

mrt

Sorry you're having a rough day. Does your mom know about your loss? I would just tell her to stop. You're able to be happy for your cousin without being bombarded repeatedly with it.

MamaCoffin

@mrt she does. And she's been incredibly supportive. I know she's just excited and not thinking. I texted her back and asked her to stop. Hopefully she's not offended. 

MamaCoffin

Aaaand a friend just tagged me in a thread about miscarriage on Facebook. 

Why do people do this? I understand that they mean well... But do they not think? Why do I constantly want to be bombarded with reminders?

ThePax89

Yep. A tip of the middle finger to this day for you. 

It has been a big ole bitch to you and you need a big hug. I'm so sorry. What happened when you cried to your daughter? How old is she? 

MamaCoffin

ThePax89 said:

Yep. A tip of the middle finger to this day for you. 

It has been a big ole bitch to you and you need a big hug. I'm so sorry. What happened when you cried to your daughter? How old is she? 

Thank you. I wasn't so much looking for sympathy as I was trying to get others who are having a rough day to have a place to vent. Reading it again now I see it didn't really come across that way. But I certainly do appreciate it. 

She's almost 5. She didn't really know what she was saying. I think she was just trying to understand why my stomach looks like it does when there isn't a baby still in it. We had a little talk about it before she went to bed. I don't want her to feel like she did anything wrong.... Because she didn't. She experienced every aspect of the last pregnancy with me.... She was even with me at the ultrasound when we discovered the loss. I have no idea how hard this actually has been on her.... Because I have no idea how she's actually processing this. Death is pretty foreign at that age. 


But because today needed one more thing on me.... It seems AF is here. On cycle day 23. Ugh. 

Here's to tomorrow!

MamaCoffin

@mrt thank you too. 

catiecatp

@jenmlangtake2 - hugs - hopefully tomorrow is much nicer to you

silentP

I hope today is better @jenmlangtake2 I had a pretty good day with family yesterday, but then I started getting super grumpy. Everywhere I looked, it was as if everyone else could have all the children they wanted, but not me. Pity party for one!

catiecatp

@jenmlangtake2 - in another post someone made reference to a children's book that might help with discussions with DD - It is Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. He wrote it after he and his wife had two stillborn births. It may be hard to read - I know I'd bawl right now if I read it, my heart aches even just remembering the words - but I loved the book as a child and I know my mom loved it too (one of my sister's died soon after birth, so it was likely poignant for her) and it could create the opportunity to talk to DD about how she and the baby are your children that you'll love forever. 

beff12

@jenmlangtake2 ugh all of that sucks. Did your MIL listen to your request to stop?

I am already dreading the end of May. My SIL and cousin are both due at the end of May, which is when my due date was. I'm not there yet, but I can't imagine the balance between being excited for them/getting over feeling sad for myself. I've been seeing newborns all over the place lately and have gone to visit friends with newborns...no fun at all.

fivetimesnoluck

beff12 said:

@jenmlangtake2 ugh all of that sucks. Did your MIL listen to your request to stop?

I am already dreading the end of May. My SIL and cousin are both due at the end of May, which is when my due date was. I'm not there yet, but I can't imagine the balance between being excited for them/getting over feeling sad for myself. I've been seeing newborns all over the place lately and have gone to visit friends with newborns...no fun at all.

I hear this! So much. In my experience, my SIL got pregnant a month after me and announced to us about 3 weeks after my MC. This was my first pregnancy back in 2013. She delivered our niece on 11/1. (My EDD had been 10/21.)

It can still be challenging to not dwell on the fact that I should have a child her age. They would have been the best of friends/cousins. We live less than 2 miles from one another. My SIL and I are dear friends, so it would have been so special to have experienced this together. But, it did not happen that way and I made a conscious effort from early on to not allow my sadness to turn into bitterness. I do not want to miss out on the sweetness that is my niece because I was being shortsighted. Focusing on what I don't have would be easy, but it would just cause more pain for everyone involved - most of all, me. 

I have had a lot of help in getting through it, accepting what is, and continuing to move forward. It's work. But the effort has proven to be worthwhile.

@jenmlangtake2 I hope MIL respected your request and will be more thoughtful with that kind of stuff in the future.

Hoping y'all find peace and a way to balance it all. xo

beff12

@fivetimesnoluck thank you for sharing that! I need to work on my preemptive bitterness now. I hate when jealous feelings creep up on me and I've already thought about the rest of our lives pretty much, seeing my niece and thinking our child should be that age. SIL has also been very sweet and doesn't bring up pregnancy unless I mention it first. 

Kbalas1018

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope things have gotten better since then! I definitely know how that feels though. I delivered my baby in December at 33+4w. She only lived for 30 minutes. I was due Feb 4th though and all 3 of my closest friends are about to have their babies too. Then I just found out the week before I was technically due that my SIL is pregnant and tonight my cousin called me and told me she is pregnant. I am excited for all of them but man I miss my baby and so badly want to have another one. It's a really difficult place to be in. You're not alone