Loss Anniversary (trigger warning, loss mentioned)

nerdymama15

So I hate Facebook.  Or more specifically the feature that tells you what you were doing on this day last year and years ago.  Today last year started the process of what would eventually end in the miscarriage of our first pregnancy on 02/28/2015.   I'm not sure if I fully grieved over that one or not since I was still pretty sad and depressed somewhat over that loss when we found out we were pregnant again.   This pregnancy has helped me push that loss to the back of my mind.  But Facebook brought it to the forefront and I just ugly cried.  To those of you on this BMB who are pregnant after a loss, how did you deal with the first anniversary of the loss?

js8812

Sorry that you are having a hard day.  Just remember it's okay for feelings to brew up.  It's okay to feel the feels.  I'm not an emotional person, but I have to remind myself that it's okay to show sadness.

Yesterday was a tough day for me because I was at the same part of my pregnancy (26wd5) as I was when I found out our first baby had passed.  I was induced that day and he was born the next.  I had a good cry and it helped me feel better.  Something that has always helped me keep perspective is knowing that almost everyone deals with some degree of tragedy in their lives and, unfortunately, it's a normal part of life.

That's all I have for advice.  It's okay to miss your baby and wonder the "what if's".

kp90

I'm sorry you went through a loss but you are not alone. When the year mark rolled around for me it was very hard, especially thinking to myself like.. "my baby would so many months old right now" or "I'd have been a mommy this time last year" etc etc. You always think the what ifs. But I guess I'm thankful mine happened when it did and not any further into pregnancy as that would only have made it more difficult. To ease my mind I would just think of my baby in heaven (idk if you're religious so this may or may not work for you) I knew my LO was well taken care of and watching over me. I still think of that way to this day and my MC was 2 years ago. Also just be thankful for your LO now and getting this far in your pregnancy. To me, this LO is a blessing and I cant wait to meet her. Hugs. It gets better with time.

mrstmoose

I have no experience in this but I do want to say I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's ok to break down, it will help you grieve. Sending internet hugs your way.

doozer1345

Middle finger to FB!!!!

There's no good or right way to deal with a loss. You don't ever forget. You just find a way to deal. I'm sorry today is a hard day. Hugs.

TheThornBird

Now you've got me ugly crying, too!

I haven't reached the 1 year anniversary yet, but what would have been my due date was tough. 

I'm a little morbid when it comes to death, but I don't think you ever get over it 100% or get closure. There are always going to be days where all of a sudden all that grief bubbles up again and hits you as hard as it did when it happened. It still happens for me over people I love that died, and I know moms who will still cry over their m/c years later. 

kbrands7

Major hugs to you! Everyone grieves differently and I'm sure that this will always be with you to some extent. It's still completely normal to feel excited for this child, but also sad for your child who was lost. Facebook is a huge twatwaffle sometimes. 

YouGoGlenCoco31

Sending hugs.  I have found the pain eases with time, but never really disappears.  Be kind to yourself.

LadySamLady

I'm so sorry for your loss and that today is a hard day. I don't have experience with this kind of loss but I have been through some traumatic experiences and losses in my life that can be very hard to deal with. I learned through lots of work with my therapist that the worst thing I can do is avoid the sad/hard feelings when they come up. Avoidance just makes things harder in the long run and it gets in the way of true healing. Try your best not to judge yourself for feeling the way you do and lean on it to those feelings, it seems counter intuitive and it certainly isn't easy but I promise it makes healing possible. Hugs.

and_peggy

Crying and chocolate. I think those 2 things will help. Truthfully, there's not a way to avoid it. I haven't hit my loss anniversary date. In fact, it's my due date. So I'm hoping she's born before so I don't have to think about it as much. It's healthy to grieve and be sad. So just do whatever you need to today and don't apologize for it. So sorry for your loss.

Knottie70382496

Hugs!!! First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand where you're coming from as the anniversary of losing our first was last Saturday the 13th.... Needless to say my Valentine's Day is never the same. I pretty much moped the entire day away and cried when I needed to. But most of all I just tried to remember how precious life is and how much I loved every moment i got to carry our first baby/son. I think it's heathy to allow ourselves to go through any emotions that come up but I  honestly tried not to think too much about everything that was happening that day the year before but embrace it as a new day to remember someone I love, cherish and carry in my heart.  Unfortunately I went on to miscarry very early with our second pregnancy and will have to pass that milestone too right about the same time I'll hopefully give birth to a full term healthy boy in May... So we'll see if I handle that differently. But my husband and I try to do something special on the anniversary of their due dates (a balloon send off with something special written on it, or eating special foods I craved those pregnancies, etc...)  and I'm hoping to implement the same on the anniversary of the actual day of loss to help brighten those days a bit. All that to say, the hurt will probably always be there in some measure but I encourage you to find a special way to honor your little one, a valid and precious life never forgotten and always cherished. Remembering your baby, crying with you and sending thoughts and prayers your way. ❤️

Bluejay3030

Big hugs to you.  I don't have experience with this exactly, but I think it's normal and healthy to feel particularly down on the anniversary of any loss.  I'm so sorry for your loss .

Pascal86

Okay so this comment is to relate to your hating the FB anniversary thing, NOT trying to compare anything to your loss... but a couple weeks ago was the anniversary of losing my dog, which was one of the worst things ever. So a year ago, when he passed away, this guy my husband was friends with at the time had been hanging out at our place all the time, and kept posting pictures of himself with my dog and saying things like, "Pascal has cancer, poor guy didn't do anything to hurt anyone," and then, "So sad Pascal is gone now." And people were commenting on it saying sorry to him like it was his dog - and he had known my dog for about three months. I wanted to punch him in the face. Now he's been out of our lives for about a year (weird, he was close enough to never leave our house for like three months straight, act like he owned my dog, and make my house smell terrible, but then stopped talking to us ever, didn't come to our wedding, etc...) and so I randomly stumbled across his FB page the other day and scrolled down to see he had posted the anniversary/1 year memory thing on FB of when my dog died! I wanted to punch him in the face so bad. I never post anything like that on my FB, and am so mad that he thinks it's okay to post stuff about my dog, and then bring it up again a year later.

Now I feel like this is a totally inappropriate place to post anything about my dog, but this has been pent up inside me all week. And there's something totally unfair feeling about someone else/FB taking ownership of your loss in any way, such as posting about it or reminding you of it somehow on social media.

Most importantly, hoping you take good care of yourself as you deal with this, and can get your proper grieving in at some point.

nerdymama15

Thanks ladies.  I'm also sorry for everyone else's losses (all losses included) as well.  It's just one of those things that is hard to get through.  Reading responses has added some comfort and I really appreciated your responses    On the plus side tonight I drowned my sorrows in Pillsbury sugar free brownies and a glass of milk.  They taste like regular brownies! 

JoMunson

I worked really hard to not remember the exact day I had my D&C. I know it sometime in February. What was harder for me was what would have been that baby's birthday- August 16th.
im a big believer in a balanced universe. The first time DH and I got pregnant I was in grad school and he had a 24-7 on call job. I had just come off multiple medications and honestly we weren't ready. This time we both have good stable jobs, our health has really improved and we know so much more about babies and our life. In addition, my gramma passed away in May so I would have been very pregnant with a dying grandmother. 
Coincidentally, if you add the traditional "late by 8 days" to my current baby's due date, it's my grammas one year death anniversary. When I feel sad about that last baby, I remember that my world was totally unbalanced and I like to think my gramma went to heaven and sent us this baby.