No longer an only child emotions

nlbungartz7

I have a 4 year old step daughter who we have 50/50 custody of. She is with us wednesday to wednesday and then goes back to her mom's for a week. She is excited to be a big sister but I'm not sure how she will adjust once the baby gets here. She has a lot of structure and discipline with us and doesn't seem to have any at her mom's house. She tells me all the time "my mom let's me" in a very sassy attitude.
I'm scared that she will hate being here for having to share the attention after being an only child and always getting what she wants at her moms. I know she seems super excited a baby but I don't know if she will take it out on baby when it comes. I don't want her to feel unloved or like we love the baby more then her since we will have it all the time and she has to go back to her moms.
Opinions..
Stories..
Advice..

PrimRoseMama

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. Its unreasonable to think that your SD might hurt the baby.

Include her in the whole process. Let her help with various things (painting the nursery, pick out some clothes and books to read to baby). Let her know that the baby is her special sibling to care for and protect. DD still adores her baby brother. Its all about how you frame the experience. If you include her in the process then she will most likely be over the moon for her sibling.

There is always growing pains and having a 4 year old myself-- its a sassy time. You just have to be consistent in how you respond. When she pulls the "my mommy lets me do X" you can respond calmly, "Well you can do that at your mommy's house, but this is our house here and we have different rules." End of story. My own offspring gives me grief. Your SD might just be testing you and craving the security of boundaries.

The key is to apply the same rules evenly later. Don't favor your own bio child over her. That might be difficult because that's a natural inclination. However, you have a full year or two before you have to worry about that.

She might have a hard time sharing attention. So get her used to it now. Delay gratification or ask her to wait a bit frequently. That gets her in the habit of waiting so its not a huge shock. Good luck.

nlbungartz7

Thank you. Definately reassuring and great advice!:)

iceandsnowflakes29

I would shower her with love and attention. 

Think about it. Her parents are split, she's getting a new sibling, that is a LOT for a kid. My parents split when I was 12 and it was a huge life change and my mom didn't even remarry right away. 

I guess what I'm saying is I'm sure she has alot of adjustment going on as is. Regardless of when her mom and your DH split, it is still huge. Factor a sibling into that and I cannot imagine. 

I would pile on the attention and involve her with the baby as much as possible. Get her big sis books, etc. 

When I had my second I piled on 2x the attention to my first. 

nlbungartz7

I love the idea of making her a huge part in this and all the attention. I xan see how that will make her love tAs far as them being split that's all she has ever known they haven't been together since before she was one. 

krzyriver

I feel your pain and anxiety, although my situation is a little different.

I've got a stepson that my husband and I have full physical custody of. He's 15, so he's excited to be a big brother, but has zero interest in being involved. He and I have a great relationship and I'm trying not to make him feel like this baby is more important, especially because of everything going on with his mother right now.

But between the teenage attitude and the laziness, he does get punished a lot. And he has a 5 year old stepbrother at his mom's house (that he doesn't see much and I don't think he really counts him as family) and he's always mad that the little brother never gets punished for anything.

So we have the fun task of balancing everything. Trying to be understanding of everything he's going through while still holding him accountable for his actions. Enjoying our pregnancy while still showing our son (who doesn't have a whole lot of interest in spending time with us) that he's equally important. 

Being a stepparent is not an easy job and not everyone is cut out for it. I'm sure you're a great mother tho, you'll all do fine once baby comes along.

moosette113

My parents divorced when I was very young, I spent every other weekend at my father's house, father remarried when I was 9, and adopted my two brothers when I was in 7th and 10th grade. So I was quite a bit older than your step daughter when I gained siblings, but I can at least share my experience/feelings.

Once baby arrives, I would make sure that your step daughter still gets a little quality one-on-one time with her dad (and you too, if you have that kind of relationship). I'm not sure I would completely lavish her with attention now, because that might set her up for a more drastic change once baby does arrive. Absolutely include her in the process and make sure she knows you are one, slightly larger family (that includes any grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. as well). Try not to make comparisons between new baby and your step daughter- like saying new baby hit milestone x at y months while step daughter hit milestone x at z months, regardless of who did something "first". And just make sure you celebrate your step daughter's continuing milestones as much as new baby's.

I was old enough to realize the way my relationship changed with my dad wasn't an infants fault, but I was still upset that I was being treated very differently than before. I didn't care about sharing time with the boys, or that the boys spent 24/7 with my dad while I was only there every other weekend. I cared that my identity while I was visiting and relationship changed so drastically that I didn't see a point in spending time with my dad anymore.