MIL and Mother wanting grandbabies

MissKittyDanger

Hey I'm new here and wanted to know how others kind of "pushed back" with family ...

I'm an only child and H is oldest, we're also both only ones who are close to being ready to TTC in the family {both sides}
My mum and his mum are both kind of .... pushing isn't the right word, so maybe 'encouraging' us to TTC soon.

We'll have been together 5yrs come March and just got married this past August. We have been open about our plans to own a home before TTC and we know it'll be probably by end of year we can officially look to buy. {note: we've been looking at houses to get idea of market}
We def want to be financially stable with everything before kids and honestly, our current issue is daycare costs.


How do we - nicely - push back when they continue to ask us about TTC knowing very well we're trying to buy a house first?

hupp0013

I told my mom that our family planning is not up to her and to drop it.  I am also not open with my mom and in laws about possible futures family plans because they are pushy. 

MissKittyDanger

@hupp0013  they aren't pushy per say, but they tend to bring it up a lot. Last conversation about it with MIL, H somewhat snapped saying "look, give it 2 yrs. we're trying to save for a house"
It stopped her but idk for how long, and it's just hard to push back without being rude but being firm.

GG620

MissKittyDanger said:

@hupp0013  they aren't pushy per say, but they tend to bring it up a lot. Last conversation about it with MIL, H somewhat snapped saying "look, give it 2 yrs. we're trying to save for a house"
It stopped her but idk for how long, and it's just hard to push back without being rude but being firm.

**snaps!**  

KarliQ88

It is my father in law who makes it VERY known he is ready for more grandkids. We are both youngest. Our siblings are done having babies. We are the only ones left. 
I'm just very vocal person and speak my mind. I told my FIL "kids are like a vacation to hawaii. Great to visit but i wouldn't want to live there." that made it stop right away. I think they are under the impression we don't want kids but I'm ok with that. Keeps everyone off our backs. My mom knows me well enough to keep her mouth shut about it. Once ny FIL said something about having grandkids infront of my mom and she was like "I wouldn't say that infront of Karli." yup...she has my back and knows that not pushing me and allowing me to make my decision on my own time will happen.

You just need to be blunt and open. Don't sugar coat it. Tell them what you told us and nothing they say will change your mind. You will donit qhen you are ready and not when they are ready. You may not Tell them when you are TTC (awkward in my opinion). This is somethinf you both need to be ready for. 

Bigboobsmcgee

I truly don't understand these posts because you know your family better than any of us do so it's really up to you to figure out what to say

Perhaps I'm more forward than you are but why can't you simply look them in the eye and say "we just aren't ready right now and I wish you'd please stop asking". That's not rude, it's honest.

And cut them some slack. Every single married person I know that doesn't have kids gets pressured to have a baby. That's sort of what family (especially future grandparents) do! They are excited for a grandkid and most likely don't even realize they are being pushy.

YogaSandy

Bigboobsmcgee said:

I truly don't understand these posts because you know your family better than any of us do so it's really up to you to figure out what to say

Perhaps I'm more forward than you are but why can't you simply look them in the eye and say "we just aren't ready right now and I wish you'd please stop asking". That's not rude, it's honest.

And cut them some slack. Every single married person I know that doesn't have kids gets pressured to have a baby. That's sort of what family (especially future grandparents) do! They are excited for a grandkid and most likely don't even realize they are being pushy.

I disagree. Just because "everyone" is excited and pushy and "every" married couple experiences it, doesn't make it invasive and extremely rude. 

I was married young, at 23. I still had one more year to go on my second university degree. People I barely knew would ask. It's very mysoginistic - just because I have a uterus and am married, I have to give up whatever I want (school, career) and start popping out kids? I had one woman at the grocery store ask (she sort of knows MIL). I guarantee you she didn't even know my name and she basically asked about my sex life (whether people think they are or not - it's still what's being done.  That's rude.) I started telling people that there were only three reasons why they didn't know I was pregnant at the moment. 1 - I'm trying and it's not working, so it's none of your business. 2 - I don't want to be, so it's none of your business. 3 - (added later) I am, but we're not telling people yet, so it's none of your business. 

I was 33 when DS was born. We only started trying shortly after I turned 32. I had stuff I wanted to do first. My mom used to "push". My dad would tell her it was none of her business. I told her if she wanted another baby so bad, she should have one, or talk to my sister (who is 10 years younger). Not going to lie, it took years to get her to stop. I shut it down each time. She eventually conceded that we weren't going to have kids, s o she stopped asking. Then she was absolutely shocked when we told her we see going to have a baby. She used to tell me I should have more, but I've told her no way, and she's stopped that too. 

runningpenguin

When we got married we told everyone we had a four year plan. DH told everyone in his family that if anyone asked before then, they'd never see the baby. I don't suggest this route.

Bigboobsmcgee

YogaSandy said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

I truly don't understand these posts because you know your family better than any of us do so it's really up to you to figure out what to say

Perhaps I'm more forward than you are but why can't you simply look them in the eye and say "we just aren't ready right now and I wish you'd please stop asking". That's not rude, it's honest.

And cut them some slack. Every single married person I know that doesn't have kids gets pressured to have a baby. That's sort of what family (especially future grandparents) do! They are excited for a grandkid and most likely don't even realize they are being pushy.

I disagree. Just because "everyone" is excited and pushy and "every" married couple experiences it, doesn't make it invasive and extremely rude. 

I was married young, at 23. I still had one more year to go on my second university degree. People I barely knew would ask. It's very mysoginistic - just because I have a uterus and am married, I have to give up whatever I want (school, career) and start popping out kids? I had one woman at the grocery store ask (she sort of knows MIL). I guarantee you she didn't even know my name and she basically asked about my sex life (whether people think they are or not - it's still what's being done.  That's rude.) I started telling people that there were only three reasons why they didn't know I was pregnant at the moment. 1 - I'm trying and it's not working, so it's none of your business. 2 - I don't want to be, so it's none of your business. 3 - (added later) I am, but we're not telling people yet, so it's none of your business. 

I was 33 when DS was born. We only started trying shortly after I turned 32. I had stuff I wanted to do first. My mom used to "push". My dad would tell her it was none of her business. I told her if she wanted another baby so bad, she should have one, or talk to my sister (who is 10 years younger). Not going to lie, it took years to get her to stop. I shut it down each time. She eventually conceded that we weren't going to have kids, s o she stopped asking. Then she was absolutely shocked when we told her we see going to have a baby. She used to tell me I should have more, but I've told her no way, and she's stopped that too. 

Geez, you need to lighten up.

I don't usually assume the worst in people but apparently you do. And I think it's sad that you believe something in your life is not your mother's business. I'd be pretty hurt if my kids told me to mind my own business. 

varimama

For years I've been telling my parents to not expect anything other than grand-hamsters. It's not that I knew I didn't want kids it's just until I became really serious with DH I didn't know for sure and wanted to set a precedent early that I shouldn't be asked bc that is the only answer they'd get. 

We're lucky with DH's parents. His sisted just had a baby in Sept so they are pretty content and not asking us. I know she was asked a lot before she was pregnant. That being said I turned down a cocktail once and was quickly bombarded with questions on if i was pregnant and if not why did I smile like that when I declined and didnt the tone of my voice change? A bit ridiculus but DH shut that down. 

I do think it's rude for parents to ask that question. It's really personal and between DH and myself. Plus it is in a way asking about our sex life which is again very personal. Then again I've never felt comfortable talking to my parents about many personal issues. That is what happens when you are strict and don't actually listen to your kids but instead judge and ridicule them. Maybe it would be normal if someone has a closer relationship with their parents. 

kyrenora

If it were me, I'd tell them it would happen sooner if they bought a house for you

MissKittyDanger

kyrenora said:

If it were me, I'd tell them it would happen sooner if they bought a house for you

We tried that route! lol

MissKittyDanger

Thanks everyone! Sorry it took me awhile to come back and read the responses!

My mum has backed off, but MIL is still the same. We've opted to just laugh it off {actually SFIL snarked at her the other day for bringing it up! lmao that was great!}