Was I wrong?

GabrielsMommy2016

So I'm a young mom (20) and my mom will be a young grandma (38). My mom offered to help me by taking my baby a few days after delivery to her house so that I can rest a little bit. I told her no because I'm breast feeding and I'm not ready to let him go, me and my SO would like to bond with him as well. She is under the impression that on her days off she will have him she won't be and I let her know that when I'm ready to let him go I will let her know as well as if I need her I will let her know. She then replied with, " Well your gonna need rest and your going to need a break from him and get tired of him". When I was younger my mom would always say things like "I need a break from you guys", and would make me feel really bad because I didn't want to go yet she'd force me to go to the persons house. . Me and my mom have NEVER  had a relationship. So the only time we talk, is if she needs money, (hasn't in awhile) or it's about the baby. I wanted to set some boundaries and let her know how I was feeling and ended the text with, "I would never keep him from you, we love you and appreciate everything you have done" and she didn't respond. I think I made her upset, and that was not my intention. So, was I wrong for telling her no? She said "You hurt my feelings, by the way you act (not letting her have him overnights), but I'll get over it I guess". What is your definition of "help"? Should  let him go? T.I.A.

sarawifenow

I don't think you're in the wrong here at all and I think it is crazy talk for her to think she would take your newborn that soon after you deliver. I think you set some good boundaries and need to continue to do so.

satuttle1014

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. It's your child, you can certainly tell her how you feel. My mom is here to help me when my LO finally arrives so I can adjust and not have everything on my plate. She is staying with me though not taking my baby away from me or DH. Maybe she can come over and help, you can still nap while she helps you out but definitely not take him away from you especially a newborn. 

GinnyJ2012

There is no way I would let my baby go anywhere over night that early. If you're breastfeeding you need him with you all the time. If she really wants to help then coming to your house to help clean/cook/watch baby while you nap for an hour is a lot of help. Your mom is being unreasonable. 

TheThornBird

Don't do it. It's crazy to expect a newborn to do overnight visits, and if you give in to her manipulative crap now, it'll just get worse. Plus, since you mentioned she asks you for money, I can see how this will turn out- "I watch your son for you all the time and you can't even give me $xxx!". 

SparkE82

If she really wants to help, she will help out around the house while you recover and focus on baby. The idea that she would take baby overnight as a new born is INSANE. I could maybe see her staying with you to help out with overnights if needed, but I personally wouldn't let my newborn out of my sight for the first 6-8 weeks. Those first couple weeks are going to be super stressful, but its also a great time to bond with baby.

My DH knows that I am not leaving the bed the first week I am home (except to shower, eat, etc.). I plan on staying in bed and snuggling/bonding with baby. Everything else (house chores, dogs, etc.) will be taken care of by him and the grandmas that have so nicely volunteered to help with the housework those first couple weeks.

Disneygeek77

She is entitled to her feelings and she is allowed to be disappointed.   However, the burden is not on you to make her happy.  Let her be upset, it's ok.  Ipersonally believe that upsetting your parents is part of growing up.  I upset mine when I told them we will be spending Christmas morning in our own home from here on out and my husband had to upset his mom when he told her she won't be dictating our schedule when we visit his hometown.  They were upset, but they got over it.  If anything, it has improved our relationships with our parents as they now know they have to respect our decisions and we won't be manipulated.  

So that is my advice to you.  Yeah your mom is probably upset and yeah you probably hurt her feelings, but that is ok.  Now she know she can't manipulate you and your relationship is heading toward a more healthy dynamic.  Stand your ground and let her know she will keep the baby overnight when you are ready.

dragonfly321

What person in their right mind would be upset because you won't let your NEWBORN go away for "a few days"?! Your mom is bat shit crazy and I would put every bit of feeling bad about your NO out of your head. 
This is YOUR child. Not hers. You don't even have to give a reason. You say no, and that's that. 

mthoomom

You're the parent, it's your decision, case closed. While your mom may not be happy with this, if you make your boundaries clear she is more likely to respect them. 

VOR

Disneygeek77 said:

She is entitled to her feelings and she is allowed to be disappointed.   However, the burden is not on you to make her happy.  Let her be upset, it's ok.  Ipersonally believe that upsetting your parents is part of growing up.  I upset mine when I told them we will be spending Christmas morning in our own home from here on out and my husband had to upset his mom when he told her she won't be dictating our schedule when we visit his hometown.  They were upset, but they got over it.  If anything, it has improved our relationships with our parents as they now know they have to respect our decisions and we won't be manipulated.  

So that is my advice to you.  Yeah your mom is probably upset and yeah you probably hurt her feelings, but that is ok.  Now she know she can't manipulate you and your relationship is heading toward a more healthy dynamic.  Stand your ground and let her know she will keep the baby overnight when you are ready.

100% all of this.  And I agree with the others- taking a NEWBORN to her house "for a few days"... lol.  That is truly insane.

Look - you're going to be a mom.  your baby comes first before your mom.  She's going to input her opinions - clearly.  YOU need to figure out what YOU and your SO want in regards to your baby.  And if you don't do what she says, that's your prerogative and you have to accept that you can't control her feelings.

You can NOT raise your child based on not wanting to upset your mom.

And really, I'd probably stop with the "We don't want to keep the baby from you" cries because it's only going to bolster her.  She's going to think that if she just keeps pushing, you'll eventually cave.  Make your decisions about your baby and don't defend them or offer excuses.  All you need to say  is "This is our decision".  Sure, a "thanks for your offer" or "I understand your opinion" to let her know you've heard her.  But past that?  DON'T kowtow to her. 

paytonpedro

You are not in the wrong at all! That is your child and decision. Baby needs his mom in the first few days and not grandma. Imo. 

Sarcasm101

No you are not wrong to say no to your mom. Her request is completely unreasonable. However, you are wrong to have this conversation over text. Pick up the phone and call your mom so you can have a real discussion

2-Step

No, you are not wrong at all. You are his mother and you need to trust your instincts. You are right in keeping him with you. Being a young mother has nothing to do with it IMO. If anything you will have more energy than us older moms. One thing I was lacking as a younger person was confidence in my decisions and myself when questioned, especially by close friends and family. Try to have that confidence and know that your instincts about your baby are right and you know what is best for him. Don't let her make you feel guilty and trust your gut. You know what is right for yourself and your baby. 

tripledaggerWed95976

Wow, I've never in my life heard of anyone who thinks a mother should part overnight with her newborn.  I think ur mom may need a bit of a reality check. Overnights with grandma are great, when the child is older and not breastfeeding.  

MississippiCatfish

It sounds like you're doing a great job, all around, Mama.  It's tough to bring up little ones with grandparents who don't have great boundaries - way to be direct and honest:)

PugsandKisses

If she wants to help and support you, she can come to your home and clean and cook so you can take care of your baby.

chiiandhideki

Good gravy! No, you are not wrong at all. I wouldn't let my mom or my mil take our newborn for a few days. You don't need a 3rd parent. You and your DH are enough. Establish boundaries and keep them up or it sounds like you'll be run over! And I agree with PP, disappointing your parents is part of being a parent. They need to let go.  Put your foot down or she'll be trying to "help" you forever.

RissKay

Ok, first off.... the whole "young mom" thing bothers me. I was a "young mom" at 22 and honestly, I'd been married for 3 years at that point. Age doesn't have a lot to do with it unless you're still in high school, IMO. *edited to add* So I say that to say: don't let anyone diminish your parenting or adult skills based purely on your age. 

Secondly, these conversations need to not be had via txt. You're adults: make a phone call or meet face-to-face. 

Third, there is absolutely no reason at all whatsoever for her to take your NEWBORN away from you to her house so you "can rest." A whole mass of other things are coming in to play over that time period (bonding, hormones, milk coming in, etc) and the thought of someone thinking you'd need time away from him like that makes me laugh. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but wow. If she wants to spend time with him, she needs to come to you and stay with YOU to help you out. Suggest she come stay the night with y'all if she wants so badly to have the time with him, so that you can simply feed him when he's hungry and she can sleep in the room with him or whatever. That was the most help for me with my first: my mom would bring him in to nurse but took care of the putting him to sleep or holding/entertaining him for a few nights off and on during the first couple of weeks. 

So long story short: no. You shouldn't let her take him away, and he's not her baby. He's yours. Period. 

stillcozy

You are doing a great job of setting boundaries now. You stated your feelings and ended it with a positive but firm message. 

Hang in there and remain assured you did the right thing! If she wants to help out I agree with pp's have her come over and help out and spend time there but not overnight  

PinkLady2015

ALL of the above!

GinnyJ2012

I also want to add that if she's going to come stay and help then be firm with her about your parenting decisions. If you're going to breastfeed make sure she doesn't give baby a bottle over night or something. Things are different than when your mom was raising babies. My MIL insisted we needed to mix cerea with breast milk before bed to make baby sleep better. Also she wanted to give the baby sugar water to pacify baby when he was crying. I had to be specific about what was and wasn't allowed. 

GabrielsMommy2016

 Part of the reason I texted her was because I was afraid and nervous of what she would say to me but I'm slowly but surely getting my spine. Unfortunately, my mom is one of those if I don't give her what she wants she tells the whole family and then I never hear the end of it. I told her if I need help I would call her and let her know, I don't want her just popping up whenever she wants. I've already had to listen to what soaps she wants me to use, where I need to give him his baths, how she doesn't want him having certain used things, how she doesn't like his name and I have too many middle names (i only have 2), but when we had her name she liked, it wasn't a problem. For example when she asks me what I need for him, she'll go out and buy diapers and clothes EVEN THE CRIB, and then gets mad when I take them when she said they were for the baby. When I used to live with her, she got upset when I'd buy things for some reason, and she wouldn't let me take stuff from her room she bought me for him. There is a lot of things I have to grow a spine on. I thank all you guys for your honest opinion and I appreciate the advice. (:

GinnyJ2012

GabrielsMommy2016 said:

 Part of the reason I texted her was because I was afraid and nervous of what she would say to me but I'm slowly but surely getting my spine. Unfortunately, my mom is one of those if I don't give her what she wants she tells the whole family and then I never hear the end of it. I told her if I need help I would call her and let her know, I don't want her just popping up whenever she wants. I've already had to listen to what soaps she wants me to use, where I need to give him his baths, how she doesn't want him having certain used things, how she doesn't like his name and I have too many middle names (i only have 2), but when we had her name she liked, it wasn't a problem. For example when she asks me what I need for him, she'll go out and buy diapers and clothes EVEN THE CRIB, and then gets mad when I take them when she said they were for the baby. When I used to live with her, she got upset when I'd buy things for some reason, and she wouldn't let me take stuff from her room she bought me for him. There is a lot of things I have to grow a spine on. I thank all you guys for your honest opinion and I appreciate the advice. (:

Is she buying those things to use at her house? This situation is very weird, but you need to have an adult conversation with her about boundaries. This isn't about what she wants, you're the mom. She doesn't get to dictate name choice, soap use, or anything else she wants.  anytime my MIL says things like that I say "next time you have a baby you can do that!" And she gets the point.