Was I wrong? — The Bump

Was I wrong?

So I'm a young mom (20) and my mom will be a young grandma (38). My mom offered to help me by taking my baby a few days after delivery to her house so that I can rest a little bit. I told her no because I'm breast feeding and I'm not ready to let him go, me and my SO would like to bond with him as well. She is under the impression that on her days off she will have him she won't be and I let her know that when I'm ready to let him go I will let her know as well as if I need her I will let her know. She then replied with, " Well your gonna need rest and your going to need a break from him and get tired of him". When I was younger my mom would always say things like "I need a break from you guys", and would make me feel really bad because I didn't want to go yet she'd force me to go to the persons house. . Me and my mom have NEVER  had a relationship. So the only time we talk, is if she needs money, (hasn't in awhile) or it's about the baby. I wanted to set some boundaries and let her know how I was feeling and ended the text with, "I would never keep him from you, we love you and appreciate everything you have done" and she didn't respond. I think I made her upset, and that was not my intention. So, was I wrong for telling her no? She said "You hurt my feelings, by the way you act (not letting her have him overnights), but I'll get over it I guess". What is your definition of "help"? Should  let him go? T.I.A.

Re: Was I wrong?

  • No, you are not wrong. If you are breastfeeding, it simply won't be possible at first for your baby to be away from you for more than a couple hours (and that's pushing it) unless you want to pump. Breastfeeding is hard enough to get the hang of without adding pumping to the mix before getting that right. Even without the breastfeeding, bonding with your new baby is important, nights away in the beginning is just not ideal. Honestly, my lil man is 5 weeks and I couldn't imagine I'm spending the night anywhere but beside my bed. One suggestion, you could ask your mom to spend the night at your house occasionally. This would allow her to get to feel like she can help but without you sacrificing your mommy time. Of course you mentioned your relationship with her isn't solid, so if that would stress you out I wouldn't do it. Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and baby and if you are doi f that you are never "wrong." Your mother will hopefully see that. :)
  • You are not wrong. Always trust your gut. That time is for you and baby. Mine is 10 mo and when we just go to the movies we miss him!!! Let alone the week you get home that's an odd thing to suggest. I'd welcome her to come over and help with dishes, cooking, or watch the baby there while you nap. Maybe she wants to feel needed and helpful, but it needs to be on your terms. You are not your mother. Don't let her project into you. Do what feels right. Glad you're able to tell her how you felt. It's an adjustment for everyone and she will figure out her new role as you go. Good luck be strong in what you want and need! And congrats it's going to be amazing! 
  • I breastfed in the beginning and the supply will take a hit if you are away from baby, especially that young. Have her over to your house to help you if she is willing. I let my mom take my son for a sleep over at 6 weeks (different situation she was going to be having him overnight when I went back to work) she wanted to give me a break and get used to watching him. I explained that it wouldn't be a break because I would have to pump every 3 hours anyway and that's more work. She didn't breastfeed so she didn't really get it at that point but she was really trying to be helpful, I let her take him because she did need some practice runs before I returned to work.  Honestly I got back home, cried a little, got no sleep, and was more exhausted from getting up to pump and went and got him 1st thing in the morning. BFing moms and babies shouldn't be separated unless mom really needs to work IMO atleast in the beginning anyway. And if you don't have a close relationship I wouldn't leave baby overnight myself.
  • If your mom wants to help, she should come to your place and handle all the NON-baby related things; cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. Then only hold/handle the baby if you ask. Taking the baby from you only a few days post birth can trigger PPD because chemically speaking, your brain is going to register baby is gone, and in the entirety of human history, that has usually meant the absolutely worst thing possible has happened. You *know* baby is with your mom, but your brain chemistry certainly does not. It is way too soon to be apart from a newborn for more than 2hrs.
  • Youre not wrong. Of course you dont want her to take the newborn! You are absolutely right about breastfeeding. But the situation still sucks anyway. I'm so sorry you are going through this at such a vulnerable time op. Be confident...you know what you and your lo need. Good luck with this sticky situation. 
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  • If you are breastfeeding, it's just not going to be possible to be away from him unless you want to be pumping around the clock. However, in the newborn days, the best way to establish and regulate your milk supply is by nursing on demand...which means you need your baby with you. Breastfeeding logistics aside, I can't imagine handing my newborn over to someone else (ESPECIALLY someone I'm not even close to-my own mother or not).

    S- March 09 E- Feb 12 L- May 15

  • My son is 8 months old and I would never leave him over night I'm just not ready. You are not wrong, if you aren't ready to be away from your baby over night that is understandable and she shouldn't even suggest it. My mother in law asks all the time but my husband and I tell her
    no all the time. I told her to lay off and I know where to find her if I need help. It is
    more work to be away from baby when breastfeeding then it is to just keep baby with you! 
  • You're not wrong at all. She's really overstepping boundaries by assuming that she should be able to just take a newborn. Even if you two are extremely close (which doesn't sound like the case), that would be odd. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the decisions you make for your family. You do what your heart tells you.
  • edited September 2016
    You are not wrong. Don't let your mom guilt trip you into anything. You are absolutely right that you and your SO need time to bond with baby, and you need to establish milk supply. And if she somehow thought she was going to get him on her days off and that's not the case, it's better to set her straight from now. I also like the suggestion of inviting her to come over and help instead. Give her specific tasks she can come over and do, otherwise she might be one of those people who comes over and "helps" by parking on the couch and holding the baby the whole time.

    This might also just be me, but I would not let anyone tell me I'm going to get tired of my baby. My baby may tire me out but I do not get tired of her. That would have been an immediate correction. But I don't know your mom so maybe it's easier to just pick your battles.

    EDIT: Ugh just realized this is a zombie thread. OP if you ever read this, I hope your son is safe and healthy and you and your mom have established healthy boundaries!
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  • My son will be 1 next month and my sister has watched him twice for less than 4 hours. I'm not saying it's wrong for people to let relatives babysit or needing a break I just don't want someone else spending more time with my son than I do. I'm his mom and I want him to know that. I want to raise him. Not saying that daycare is bad or babysitting is bad or mothers who do aren't raising their kids. I'm not ready to let anyone have him over night let alone a whole day. And think it's perfectly normal and I breastfed and pumped and pumping is super hard and makes you feel like a milk machine. If her feelings are hurt that's her fault. He's your son and your not wrong for wanting to have your child. And just because she always needed a break doesn't mean that how you'll be. 
  • i thinks she is overly excited with the younger you and her. It nothing wrong for your mom to take it for an hour or couple but not more than that since you are breastfeeding, i will never alllow my mom or anyone....
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