Looking for advice on aggreeing when to TTC

luckywife10

Hello all!

I am looking for advice. I have had baby fever ever since my husband and I got married almost 3 years ago. We both have agreed we want children and often talk about our future children. However, my husband says (and keeps saying) we should wait to TTC. One reason my husband wants to keep waiting is out financial situation. It's not horrible by any means, but we're also not rolling in dough. We live a frugal lifestyle and the only debt we have is student loans. I know I shouldn't, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my husband on this subject. I understand he wants to be in the best possible place when we have kids, and so do I, but I feel he's being slightly unrealistic. Waiting for the "perfect time" to have kids could take 10 or more years.

For those of you whose husband did not jump aboard the baby train when you did, how/why did your husband finally come around? Was it something you said/did? Did he all the sudden tell you he was ready? How often did you bring up the conversation of TTC? Or for those of you whose husband was on board the baby train before you, what made you agree on TTC?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts!

br0co1ii

My husband jumped on board after we visited home and he hung out with his nieces and nephews. I think it just sparked something in him. I had made it clear that I was ready, but I avoided pressuring him to feel the same way. Before I started my last round of bc, I asked if I should order more. He said I should, but by the time it came in, he was ready to hop on baby train. 

As far as I know, most husbands don't like to be nagged. They like to feel in control. By giving him the option, I think mine realized that he actually did want it.

bmo88

luckywife10 : Do you have a plan for how you will knock out your student loans? Just having student loans could mean $5,000 or $95,000. I only say that because if you don't have a solid pay back plan, I could see his hesitancy. Adding a child will only increase your expenses.

As for your question. We are waiting 11 more months, but we are planning for it. Setting specific financial goals, life and career goals has helped both us get prepared. We decided to eliminate all non-mortgage debt (student loans and car loan), save up 6 months emergency expenses and $5,000 for a baby fund. We are on pace to do that by this October. 

Perhaps talk with your DH about what would make it more comfortable with TTC. Is it a specific savings amount? Or a specific target for lowering debt? Then, you can create a timeline and work toward those goals.

borgie05

My husband and I made an agreement that we would start thinking about kids when we hit 2 years of marriage when we were engaged just to be sure we were on the same page. I tried to get him to budge earlier but it didn't work lol. Since we agreed on a timeframe early on, we made a game plan to get ourselves ready by the timeline. If you can't agree on when, maybe take a look at your loans and come up with a plan to get the paid off or down enough for him to feel comfortable to start trying. Then stick to that plan and even pay extra towards it when you can- say if you get a bonus or tax refund or something. 

OhPandabear63

It took a bit of convincing for my fiancé, but basically what got him on board was planning and budgeting everything out with him. Also, getting him to understand that we don't have all the time in the world for everything to be perfect. I'll be 29 this year and we both want to have at least two kids, spaced out in age.
No one close to him has children, and he really has no frame of reference as to what goes into preparing for a child financially aside from what his parents did. They were much better off than a lot of people are when they started a family. He knew kids were expensive, but didn't even really understand how much that actually means, let alone what it would mean for us and the type of lifestyle we live and are working towards living.

We live really frugally as well (with a good bit of student loan debt that we are working on), and hope to become even more self sustainable as time goes on. We made a budget and a game plan for now and the near future, and I would talk to him off and on about child related expenses and how they would impact us and our finances if we had a baby. For example, I would start with simple things and talk about how great it is that we won't have to worry about much childcare costs since I work from home, or talk to him about how much we will save by using cloth diapers and by buying the bare basics when it comes to baby gear. Eventually I feel like this made him understand that the cost of a child isn't something that is set in stone, it's different for everyone depending on several different factors. By understanding all of that and seeing our budget on paper, where our spending was going and where we could improve, I think it made him realize we wouldn't be quite as financially stressed as he originally thought we would be. Even with the frustrating debt, we now have a active plan to tackle that stuff, so it's not like we are running off into the future blindly. 

So my advice would be to at least put a budget and a plan in motion together to work towards your goal of starting a family, that alone can settle a lot of worries and fears. Also try not to make him feel pressured or overwhelmed. Maybe when you first start off with setting a plan in place, approach it as a future plan, not just in order to have kids, but also to better your lives. We are getting so much taken care of now, that we probably would have sat on for longer than we should have if we had not chosen to try to start a family soon. 

Last but not least, make sure there aren't any other concerns that your husband has aside from your financial stability. Mine was also just downright scared, because even though he knows he wants kids and feels ready for them, the idea of being so close to actually having them terrifies him and causes him to second guess feeling ready. So we're just tackling that by reassurance and trying to approach TTC with as little pressure and stress as possible.

OhPandabear63

oh man, sorry for writing a book lol.

luckywife10

Thank you all for your advice! I value hearing personal stories. I took some time to think about things and approached DH again, this time with two realistic plans in mind for him to think about (he likes having options). DH took some time to think about things and came back to me with his thoughts. We agreed that as long as our financial state continues to improve over the next 6 months, we will start TTC this coming August. A lot can happen in 6 months, but at least we have a plan now! Thanks again.

Roxell

My situation is the opposite. My DH has wanted to try for #2 for years now but I have wanted to wait. I'm so glad he has been so patient and never pressured me. It would have been a terrible idea to have a child I wasn't ready for! It was tempting through the years to just give him what he wanted, but I was so afraid of resenting the child and my DH. Now that I'm finally on the same page as DH he couldn't be happier and I actually look forward to having #2  

kyrenora

My husband agreed it was time immediately after holding his best friend's newborn for the first time.

i would encourage you to look up the site Mr. Money Mustache. It's a site that encourages financial independence and gives lots of great advice about budgeting. There's even a lot of content about planning for and having children. Perhaps if he can see the numbers laid out and understand your financial trajectory, he'll be more comfortable with the idea.