I feel like I'm losing my mind.

suteki325

Hello all, recently after the birth of my son I posted a thread concerning my PPA/PPD/insomnia symptoms. All I can say is that it's gotten progressively worse from there. I'm starting to feel so defeated and hopeless. I thought I would update you all on my symptoms since I received a lot of encouragement and positive vibes from you all last time. I really need some help here.

I had my beautiful son on February 5th, so I'm about 1 1/2 weeks postpartum. And it's been one ugly ride of a week. I had a history of anxiety and depression, and I was on Lexapro for around five years before discontinuing it three years ago. After we took my son home from the hospital, I started to have horrible insomnia. 

Nothing would help me sleep. I would lie in bed and my heart would be racing, mind racing, etc. I tried Trazadone (mom had a prescription), Melatonin, Benadryl, soothing teas, essential oils, sleep meditation guides, etc. My doctor prescribed me Ambien one week ago and Lexapro as well. I'm not sure if it's the Lexapro taking time to build in my system, and making symptoms worse, but even the Ambien now is not helping me to sleep. The first night I took it I got 5 hours, the next night 3, then I stopped taking it. Tried again last night and it didn't even knock me out at all. I ended up taking 4 Benadryl and listening to a sleep meditation video on Youtube which put me to sleep. But I know that's too much Benadryl to be taking.

I've gotten to where I wake up every morning just dreading having to try to fall asleep again tonight. I can't focus on anything, I'm shaky all the time and so horribly depressed. I have zero appetite and often just forget to eat period. I can't take any enjoyment out of my son - I'm just going through the motions and feel so detached from him and overwhelmed from the thought of having to care for him. I dread him waking up from every nap and needing something from me. My doctor even put me on Xanax (0.25 mg three times daily) and that only calms me down for an hour or so before I'm right back to where I started. I've become withdrawn from friends and family. I just want to sit on my couch all day and stare at the wall. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and a postpartum therapist and I'm trying to remain hopeful that they will be able to help me, but I'm starting to feel so defeated. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I just don't know what to do.

roseyrose1984

I am very very sorry to hear what you're going through. I have no experience with it but one idea is to hire a postpartum doula to help you with caring for your son and yourself. Maybe just three sessions to see how you like it. It might not help you sleep but maybe it will just alleviate some of the stress and pressure, many of them also do counseling. I wish you all the best and hope that these dark clouds will pass quickly.

robinj716

@suteki325 I've been wondering how you're doing. Looks like we're both still in the same boat My SO got frustrated with me yesterday and said I'm just sitting around basking in my own negative misery. I don't wish how I feel on anyone, but I wish he could see how it feels for me inside. After a few minutes, he always says that he is sorry, wants me to get better and knows that it takes time. 

egraves4

I am so so sorry this happening to you, especially during this time that is supposed to be filled with so much joy. One thing I can say is that I am so happy to hear that you are taking steps in the right direction by getting on the medicine. The psychiatrist is also going to help you tremendously. Keep moving forward and know that it WILL get better!!! 

suteki325

Thank you everyone. I'm trying so hard to remain optimistic that there's a light at the end of the tunnel but its so hard. I just wish I could sleep. I have so much anxiety concerning my insomnia, I wake up dreading having to try to fall back asleep every night.

suteki325

@robinj716 - I'm so sorry to hear that you're also still struggling and that your SO is getting fed up. Mine has been so patient with me so far but I'm afraid he's getting to the end of his rope quickly. Have you been put on any medication or been to see a therapist?

ETA : Have you been having insomnia still?

Sunshine&rain

I've been just lurking here, but I really want to give you a bit of encouragement if I can. I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you're in the middle of something like this it feels like it will last forever. But it won't! Rest assured that it's not your fault and you are totally doing the right thing by going for help

Sunshine&rain

Also want to say, if you need to have extra help caring for your baby, or you need to formula feed ( I think you mentioned that once) or to go to the hospital, or whatever it takes, you have not failed! You are doing the best possible thing for your precious baby by taking care of yourself. Your long-term relationship won't necessarily suffer; bonding happens over time, not just in the first days. Lots of t & p's to you.

robinj716

@suteki325 my doctor put me on Lexapro. I find that my mornings are really rough and I feel much better as evening/night approaches. My insomnia has improved, I can actually fall asleep now, but I do wake up often going over things in my head. 

@sunshine&rain Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! 

suteki325

@robinj716 - The Lexapro can take a while to start working (1 - 2 weeks) but once it does its wonderful, your anxiety will be really helped by it. Hang in there!

gardensparrow

Oh friend~
I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time. Postpartum depression can wreak havoc with the best of us and you're certainly not alone. But I'm so glad you've reached out for some professional help. I really think that can make a huge difference in getting through something like this. So, I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Don't give up hope, friend.

VitaLuna

How were your appointments today? Hoping they'll be helpful and that you're feeling a little better after them. 

robinj716

@suteki325 it has definitely helped with my anxiety, I'm feeling a lot better. How are you holding up? 

Shatzegirl

Sending you so much love. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope things improve for you soon. 

robinj716

@suteki325 how are you doing? 

saturnswirl

I'm having so many of the same issues. I have long suffered from anxiety and depression and got depressed during pregnancy. My baby boy is now 16 days old and I've never felt more lost and overwhelmed and depressed in my entire life. My medications have been increased and I'm already in therapy, so I feel like there is no hope for me if they haven't worked already. I feel so guilty and sad that what should be the best time of my life with the baby I've always wanted, has become such a period of depression and despair. I am growing more detached and withdrawn daily.