Infertility

Am I Being Selfish? (I Think I Am)

I don't even know where to begin. It's seems like we've been TTC forever (on and off for at least 10 years). Lately, it seems like everyone I know is having a baby. One of my best friends at work (my work wifey) had a beautiful baby girl 3 months ago and I love her, yet I'm so jealous. They weren't even trying for a baby, yet we've been trying so hard. Then there was my wonderful week at work. It started with a friend informing me Every. Single. Day. that week that his wife was going to the doctor to find out the sex of their unborn child. I kinda wanted to punch him in the face. Friday started with a so-called "friend" informing me that (yet another) co-worker was pregnant (again) and then standing there waiting for my reaction to the news. I kinda wanted to punch her in the face. Next, my friend told me that his wife had her appointment to find out the sex (for the 5th time that week) and they are having a boy. I seriously wanted to punch him in the face. Next up, a co-worker informed about when she was going through the IVF treatments and went to a support group meeting. She told me about the women there who had tried up to 10 times and were unsuccessful. I wanted to cry and kinda wanted to punch her in the face. To end my "wonderful" day, one of my co-workers showed me the picture poll his wife put on Facebook to choose which outfit their son will wear home from the hospital when he's born. At this point, I wanted to punched everyone in the face. It totally seemed like everyone felt the need to rub their pregnancies in my face that day. I went home and cried to DH. I questioned why I was putting us through this and considered just giving up my dream of being a baby. I cried that I was gonna be the crazy cat lady without any cats (we are both allergic, and DH as said that when my current fur baby is gone, no more cats). DH comforted me and reminded me that I was cranky and emotional because AF was due, which made me feel a bit better about my attitude. And, yet, I still feel so incredibly selfish about how I felt and like I am a horrible friend for not supporting them they way I probably should. Am I being selfish? (Don't be afraid to say yes, I want honest opinions.)
Me: 33; DH: 54
Nationality: Canadian (Living in Ontario)
Married: June, 2014
TTC #1: Since January, 2014
01/26/16: SA ordered for DH; AMH done for me, D3 Bloodwork, SONO, Diagnostic Cycle Monitoring ordered for me.
02/11/16: D3 Bloodwork

Re: Am I Being Selfish? (I Think I Am)

  • I personally don't feel like you're being selfish, but then again I'm one of those people who chooses to hide every post on Facebook about babies and pregnant women. My best friend from high school (and maid of honor) had a baby last year the same time I was expecting I would have one, and I couldn't go see her until about 6 months after it was so painful for me. I also know someone who has done quite a few rounds of IVF with no take-home baby, so I know it doesn't always work. I would suggest letting them know that, while you are happy for them, to please stop talking to you about it. And if they do try to bring it up, just walk away. It may be a bit rude, but they'll get the idea.

    Also, sometimes DHs can be the best, especially when you're feeling down.
    About us:
    Me - 28, Lean PCOS
    DH - 31
    Married June 2010, TTC since March 2014
    Blog: ourbinarystar.com

    FET cycle #3 Transfer July 28th 2016, Triplets born healthy on February 26th 2017 at 33w1d!

  • Hi.
    That was one heavy week for you!
    And I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that.
    It is never easy when there is all that baby talk, unfortunately it is not something to avoid. People love talking about it, and so do we once we get there.
    I feel however that I shouldn't always be angry with the people that tell me, as how would they know it hurts me as they don't know my struggles?
    And when they do know my struggles they are way more careful about it, but still don't know my struggles.
    Yesterday for example I was having dinner with a friend, she told me I'm November she got pregnant and now we are in the same situation. It was right there and then that I felt that I lost another snowflake and knew IVF wasn't a succes. She lost hers right after it but didn't seem to be so sad about it. All she talked about yesterday was how she would never have told me if she knew. When I them told her how much it hurts, and still does, nothing changed. She kept going on and on. Because she has no possibility to know how it feels to struggle getting there, as she believes she just can.
    So I'm trying to give those people a little slack, sometimes I tell them my struggles and that I don't want the conversation and sometimes I make sure a new conversation about the subject won't happen again.
    I'll bitch about it on this forum or to my best friends.

    So no, I don't think you are selfish for being upset. I think we shouldn't hold it against people for not knowing when we haven't told them, and neither should we expect them to understand. But you definitely shouldn't feel selfish for wanting to punch anyone in the face (just don't really punch them, OK?)

    Keep going strong, you can do this! xoxo

    **********************************************************************************************************************************

    Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers



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  • You are not being selfish.  You are hurting.  I've been there too.  This last December I decided to stop going on Facebook because I just couldn't handle the non stop baby updates and pregnancy announcements anymore.  I had reached my emotional limit.  I turned off the notifications on my phone and hid the app in a folder so I wouldn't be tempted, but still wanted to keep it around in case a close friend or family member asked me to look at something.  I also didn't want to draw attention to myself by deactivating my account.  And I swear, the handful of times I've opened the app to "check on something" that a friend or family member encouraged me to check out, the first thing I saw on my newsfeed was a pregnancy announcement.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And like you, I want to punch them all in the face.  I have felt so much better though not going on Facebook regularly, and just focusing on my immediate network of friends and family, the ones I don't need Facebook for in order to keep them at the center of my life.

    I apologize for rambling on and on.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.  If you're selfish then I'm selfish.  But I think we are just hurting because we can't do what others do so easily.
    ***BFP & Child Warning***

    Me: 34, DH: 38 ~ TTC since 2014
    IUI #1-3 (Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016) = BFNs
    IVF ER (July 2016) = 7 PGS normal embryos
    FET #1 (Sept 2016) = BFP! DD born 5/30/17
    FET #2 (April 2019) = BFN
    FET #3 (July 2019) = BFP! DS born 3/27/20
  • I don't think it is selfish at all to try and protect your feelings and emotional well being. I had a rough week too, pregnancy announcements at every corner, and all close friends or family. I cried all day Thursday, literally all day. I wanted to punch everything, I am so jealous. They all know our struggles too so they were very respectful about it. Want to know what my thoughts were with each announcement, and this is really selfish. My thought was, " you know we are doing IVF ( starting in one week) we have been talking about it since before Christmas, why couldn't you just wait until we get through that? You are 23 years old and have so much time, would a few months kill you?" And my best friend "you already have a beautiful daughter, could you not wait so I can catch up". That is selfish. I feel like everyone got the password to some secret club and we are completely left out.

    truely in my heart I am thrilled for them, but man it still hurts. We have to do what we have to do. But so long as we vent here or to our DHs, and react to each announcement with grace, how can we possibly be selfish for having feeling?

    my thought and prayers are with you.
    Married May 2009, TTC since November 2012 (Together since 2006 ish - had my eyes on him since 2001)
    Me: 32 (33 in May), Him: 37 (January)

    DX: Me: High Prolactin, Possible Autoimmune Disease Issues, though RE not concerned (?)  New RE has a plan!!
           Him: Minor Varicocele, low morphology, slightly low count

    History:

    Beta 5/9/2016 BFP!!
    Embryo transfer scheduled for April 28, 2016 and beta test May 9, 2016 (day after Mother's Day!)
    Transfer Meds include: Lupron Depot (4/1), Minivelle Patch (every 3rd day), Estradiol (3x daily), Amoxicillin, Progesterone in Oil, Methylprednisonlone. Lovenox and baby asprin added after transfer. 

    3/22/16 - Sono Saline ultrasound cyst to be aspirated on 4/1/16 if not cleared up by 3/29 US - It cleared on its own
    Retrieval 3/4/16 - 26 eggs retrieved, 23 mature, 20 fertilized, 14 embryos currently frozen
    Starting IVF Stims on +/- Feb 22, 2016
    HSG scheduled for 1-26-16 - All clear "beautiful uterus" (though inverted)

    Switched clinics and now prepping for IVF in February / March

    Fourth IUI -  CD3-7 100 Clomid w/ Ovidrel Trigger - December, 2015 - BFN
    Third IUI -  CD3-7 100 Clomid w/ Ovidrel Trigger - November, 2015 - BFN
    Second IUI - CD3-7 100 Clomid w/ Ovidrel Trigger - September, 2015 - BFN
    Started Prolactin Medication October 15 - Levels quickly regulated to with in normal range
    First IUI - CD3-7 100 Clomid w/ Ovidrel Trigger - August, 2015 - BFN
    After no BFPs (ever) First RE/Urologist visit in Feb 2015
    HSG w/ OB, 2014 = all clear
    Trying to conceive since November 2012
  • 6 of my cousins had babies in 2015 which was our TTC year from hell.  1 of them is married. 1 of them was on her 3rd baby daddy. Most of them smoked during their pregnancies.  All of them are much younger than me. I wanted to punch them all in the face. That's not selfishness, that's life not being fair. 
  • You refrained from actually punching anyone. That was very selfless of you.

    You know rationally tha violence (and anger, hostility, etc.)isn't the appropriate response, so you're staying in control of your behavior. But you can't just control the pain you feel.

    And there's nothing wrong with you, that you're feeling pain. You're not a bad person for feeling it.
    Me- 39 (turning 40 in April), TTC for the first time ever (since Jan 2015), low ovarian reserve
    Married 3/14/14 to my wonderful wife, but her sperm count is rather low
    TTC with frozen donor sperm and science

    7 IUIs, 7 BFNs.
    2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs.
    Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire.
    Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus!  
    fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP! 
    Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)

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