Doubts about TTC?

alanna3622

Hi ladies,

I didn't want to hijack a weekly thread, because this might sound negative. 

Since losing our son, I have been on a hormonal rollercoaster. The current part of the ride involves me feeling like we shouldn't TTC. I am not sure what is real anymore, what is "me". 

Do any of you have doubts about TTC? Do you feel like part of the urgency is caused by your loss? 

If so, do those doubts come and go? 

Also if anyone notices that the desire to conceive fluctuates during their monthly cycle I would love to hear those observations. 

Thanks.  

fivetimesnoluck

I have been on a serious up/down swing the past week/10 days and my last loss was in November. Before this last week, I had been a good place mentally. I was recovering, taking care of myself. I had a sense of peace with our situation. Then boom! All these angry, sad, confused thoughts started overwhelming.  I think, for me, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are getting serious about trying again. We have a plan. It's scary.

I have had the same doubts as you - have wondered if this has gotten magnified and taken on a life of its own, whether we are going through the process because we feel like we're in too deep to not. I feel an urgency and definitely am losing patience, but I think a lot of that is due to my age (will be 38 in May) and the fact that we've been at it for three years.

But far more often, I am certain in my dream to share the experience of parenting with my husband. It is absolutely something I want.

I have not timed it to be sure, but it does seem like I am more emotional around my period. I am on CD 6....

Where are you in your process? Do you have a plan for next steps? Do you think some of those thoughts are creeping in to protect yourself?

I hope that you can find peace and comfort with the waves. It's definitely a roller coaster and keeping reality in check can be difficult sometimes. Hopefully you don't feel pressure to make a decision before you're ready. xo

chloe97

Ladies, I am right there with you.I'm 4 months away from 37 and TTC #1 and so I feel like I don't really have time to take a break.It's full speed ahead. I will say that the loss only added my urgency which has been brewing for literally years as I waited for H to propose while my 30s slowly ticked away. I found that the majority of my doubt starts when I am hormonal- like when I got my first BFN after my loss. I was a mess that week. I asked H to leave me because I feel like if I was single, I would just be okay with being childless and that there would be far less pressure. Obviously, I don't really feel that way, but that is what my hormones were telling me that week. Then AF happened and I woke up the next morning ready to start the new cycle and see what happens this month.   

I honestly am not sure how I would handle another loss. I'm not even sure that I will be able to handle another BFN. I'm not sure that I will have the strength to go on trying, but I know that I just have to do this. Just remember that AF will come, your hormones will settle and you will wake up feeling okay again, eventually.   

Pompomlove

Hormones!!!! Seriously, why?! Yes, for the last 4 or 5 years I would get a definite baby pang around ovulation and get a "why would I even want a baby" attitude around my period. The last 12 months the desire was pretty much all the time and has been painfully present since our loss. 

All this being said, next week is our first month cleared to conceive and I've started feeling very stressed about it. A few weeks ago I was super excited. 

I don't know what the answer is but like PP, I'm so sure a family is what I want and H always wanted kids. We have to be brave. 

I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy but we will go through this as many times as necessary to get our rainbow baby. 

Best to all. X

BornReady

I honestly feel like you can all read my mind some days. It's crazy how I open this board up on my computer and someone is writing exactly how I feel. Thanks for making me feel like you all get me!

As for your question...For the last couple of weeks, since my last cycle ended with a short luteal phase and BFN I have been questioning whether or not to just bag this whole TTC thing. I feel like the "want" of another child is so overpowering, but I also feel like I'm running out of time/getting old and should be grateful for what I do have. So, I guess my urgency is compounded by my loss and the months that are ticking by, but also my age. I also struggle because my siblings all have older children, so seeing them in this different stage of life has brought up a lot of my grief from my time dealing with fertility issues. I started this process when they had babies who are now turning 6 and so much fun and easier than a new baby. It makes me so sad that I missed out on doing that with them.

I agree with PP that my hormone fluctuations definitely play a role here. I'm actually feeling pretty skeptical now during WTO, almost preparing myself for if this doesn't work again. I'm hopeful that as my body settles down, so will this anxiety/stress about what the next step holds for us. 

AL_TwinCities

@alanna3622 I hope the PPs responses have shown that you are not alone! The only reason we are TTC again once I am off the bench (my doctor said to wait one cycle AL to TTC again) is that it took us 15 months to get pregnant the last time, and if we have to wait that long again we might as well start right away. Feeling torn, conflicted, hopeless, all of this is perfectly normal. Please PM me if you ever want to vent or just need to have someone to commiserate with. I'm so sorry you have to even deal with this in the first place.

silentP

You are definitely not alone. I got the green light to go ahead and TTC again yesterday, and I found myself crying a ton! Also AF is due today. Probably not a coincidence. I hate that there are no answers or anything definitive for us all, no guarantees. But I have to believe our time will come and we will have babies in our arms before long.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide, and sorry again for your loss.

catiecatp

We've only had one loss and it was quite early - but right now I worry about having another MC (which I'm trying to curb - why borrow trouble before it arrives?) and also about how long it will take to get another BFP (again not something I can control). I have trouble talking to DH about this because he often feels like I want to be upset and that I want to be depressed - that I create these worries for myself. Which on some level I do - I've struggled with depression since high school - but these are also natural worries...

chloe97

@catiecatp My H also thinks I want to be upset and that I expect the worst possible scenario. It's so hard to be positive when your heart was broken the last time. I read those stupid statistics that said I had less than a 3 % chance of miscarrying after 8 weeks and a heartbeat and so now I think that I'm at risk of all unlikely things-Ashermans, not being able to conceive again, RPL....you name it. The truth is that no one knows where those stupid statistics came from. I was just one of the 25%, or 33% based on my age group. But when getting ready to put your heart on the line, sometimes you just want to expect the worse in an attempt to protect yourself from further pain. I'm pretty sure it's not going to do anything to dull the pain if God forbid I go through it again, but I think it's a natural reaction.

kayham12

Go back and forth all the time even though im benched right now. I know I want to give my DD a sibling but I worry how I will handle another MC. I'm sure I have a number that my soul can tolerate, I just I hope never find out what it is. DH thinks me coming on here is rubbing salt in the wound, but he doesn't really get it. I will also @chloe97 I never trust statistics any more. 

Lovefor5inID

Totally normal to be apprehensive/up/down/all around....maybe don't overthink it? I know that's easier said than done...I am over 35 and am nervous to try and lose it, knowing I am running out of time...I don't know how much time to let go by, when to try, how long it will take, what if it never happens...I don't know...I just talk to Heavenly Father, my baby Griffin, hope for the best. Want a little one so badly (biological clock ticking away)...good luck to all!

jlo1019

I'm so with you guys! I'm 37 and wondering often "is this meant to be"? This will be my third child (2 living girls and I've had three losses total) so I think "maybe it's not meant to be". Then other days, the desire is so strong. It's definitely a push/pull. I'm glad I'm not alone! On those days I worry about the third, I think "maybe I don't really want another one" because to be honest, losing another one at 20 weeks is terrifying to me! 

GhanimaAtreides

Yes! I freaked out so bad after my loss when I hit my first FW after that I made an appointment asking for another Paraguard to keep for just 6 months. I also started seeing a therapist and got prescribed Ativan for panic attacks. My therapist discharged me after 4 months. I had the IUD removed in January. I also turned 35 in that time so I don't think I can afford another break in the event of another loss. My first cycle TTCAL after the TTA break the doubts started creeping up a little in my TWW, but not nearly as bad as before the 6 month Paraguard break. Those were full blown panic attacks; hyperventilating, nausea, pounding heart, lightheadedness, full on adrenaline surges. The break and the therapy is what helped the most, but breaks aren't always an option after 35.

Neikoda

It's great to see that no one in this group is alone. After my second loss, I've been convinced that I wasn't meant to have children and that this was the universe's way of saying that I wouldn't be a good mom. It's been hard being 22 and having all of these issues. I just felt like it shouldn't be this hard for me. I did everything I could to be healthy and my body betrayed me. And it's even harder seeing people around you who weren't trying that should be higher risk, going through healthy pregnancies while I have to sit and hope that the doctor can help me quickly enough after my next positive test. I'm afraid to try again too, but I've tried to look at it this way, if I never try again, then I'll never know if I could have had a beautiful child in my life. If I never try, I've guaranteed that to never be a part of my life. This is something that I want badly enough that it is worth the risk, even if I don't feel like I have the strength to face another loss. Unfortunately that is a terrifying feeling, but a risk we all have to take in trying to conceive again.

alanna3622

I have read this thread about half a dozen times now. Thanks ladies. 

BD is not an easy or regular event for DH and I. But we babydanced the day before he left on a business trip this week -- probably still too soon after delivery since it hurt like the devil and I felt lIke a stranger to my own body - but hey, we did it. No chance of conception since EWCM showed up today (2 days after BDing), but it was more symbolic than anything else. We are going to give this a try.