Pregnant after a Loss

Handling unwanted questions .. ?

Hi ladies, so a little back ground... my daughter Lillian was stillborn last may for unknown reasons and I am now pregnant with baby number two! A boy this time. Everything is going great and my bump is actually very noticeable! So exciting because last time my bump was never quite round or healthy looking.
Anyways, now everywhere I go people are obviously staring at my huge belly and asking me all kinds of questions! 'When are you due?' 'Boy or girl?' And my personal favorite... 'is this your first?' ... today a man was talking to me and when he asked me if this was my first child my face turned bright red and I thought I was going to puke... I stuttered and just muttered 'yup, my first..' and I instantly felt horrible for not acknowledging my little angel.. 
Sorry for the rant I've been pretty upset about it all day.
Wondering how you other mommas are handling this question as you get further along?! Any advice on how to smooth it over would be greatly appriciated!  

Re: Handling unwanted questions .. ?

  • First off, congrats! What a blessing. I think there are others here who are more qualified to answer this, but, given this is a stranger, I think you can answer it however you like. Like "Nope, my second" or "sort of".  If there are follow up questions, you can deflect and ask about them or just shut the whole thing down. Nobody is obligated to answer strangers' questions, although they are usually meaning well by them. I prefer to be nice about it, but firm if somebody crosses a boundary.
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!




    BabyGaga
  • Congrats!
    I also hate this question. I just simply say, "no, I unfortunately had a stillborn daughter last year, this'll be baby number two."

    sometimes it kills the conversation, but I hate the feeling I get if I say it's our first. It feels like I'm betraying her and also, the other person's discomfort is barely anything compared to my discomfort with the situation, so I'm ok with it.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
            
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  • IMHO it doesnt matter what I say to strangers or ppl you're not very close to. They're asking light-heartedly and they're not prepared to hear a heavy answer. It's like when ppl ask you how you're doing and they get uncomfortable or surprised when you actually tell em how you're doing instead of saying "fine/good/great, thanks." I just say yes, "it's my first", since I actually haven't raised my baby in my arms.
    My in-laws still dont know we had a MMC - DH was hurt and didn't want to share the info with them. Once our baby is born I may tell them just because my due date is a day after I lost our first. 
  • First, I think either answer is acceptable.

    If it is a complete stranger, I would just tell them this is your second. If they push with more questions then you can tell them your first, a daughter, was unfortunately still. Nothing wrong with that.
  • Congrats!!!! 

    How I answer these questions varies. If it's someone I'm going to see again I'll say something like, "Hopefully this will be our third." If they know I already have a toddler it leaves them the opportunity to dig deeper or leave it. 

    If it's someone I'll never see again I'll either say "No. This isn't my first." 

    Sometimes I get into it. 

    Please don't feel bad for not mentioning it. LOADS of people don't mention their losses in casual conversation. It doesn't mean no loss was had. And I'm sure the lost understand. 
    BabyFetus Ticker

  • I vary my answer, depending on who is asking. Usually, I say "if all goes well". That usually brings the conversation to a screeching halt. 
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