Would Really Like Your Opinion

Ssoccerball

I have had previous losses, so when we found out we were having twins, I just assumed we would wait to tell people until we were out of the first trimester.  DH and I talked about it and he seemed okay with that.  However, as time has gone on, we're finding it harder and harder to keep this secret.  The few people who know (like my doctor) have asked if my older kids are excited and I have to say, "they don't know yet."  

I am just now 9 weeks and had an ultrasound yesterday.  Both babies were measuring exactly on target and both had good, strong heartbeats.  Every appointment has been good and my DH is pushing BIG TIME to tell our kids (and, therefore, the world) on Valentine's Day.  I'd be almost 10 weeks.  Would you do it?  I'm not worried about having to tell everyone else if something happens, but I really don't want to have that conversation with my 8 and 6 year old.  At the same time, I understand how DH feels.  I'm just looking for your opinions and your reasons for telling/not telling, especially if you told older children.  Thanks in advance!

Sporty1216

I can understand your hesitation, for sure, but my gut says go for it! It seems like you have every reason to believe that things are going well. And I know I feel so much less lonely since we decided to tell a handful of friends in addition to family that we are expecting. We have the option of holding off on telling the world until later (we're planning on it after our 12 week appt) since our LO is only 22 months old and has no clue what's happening yet, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd go ahead and take the risk! A Valentine's announcement will be fun and I bet your kids will be thrilled! (Did they know a sibling was something you guys were hoping/trying for?) 

whatever you decide, I hope you have peace about it and enjoy either your announcement or keeping your secret a while longer.

lickastick

 This is a tough one for sure! As a loss mom I really understand the hesitation to tell other people. I've just felt more comfortable not having people know this time.  For me, if I really didn't want to have a miscarriage conversation with somebody I wouldn't be comfortable telling them.  Perhaps ask your DH to give you a little more time to think about it and feel what's right for you. Ultimately as much as they love us they can't fully understand what we go through and feel during a miscarriage. In that sense I really believe the decision should be yours to decide and to announce when you are 100% comfortable.  There's no right or wrong just what feels right to you. Good luck! 

mthoomom

I would do it, but I have never had a loss, so I don't know what it's like to have to go through the process of telling people that I lost a pregnancy. I'm also the type of mom who is very upfront with her children about the realities of the world-- we have always had a policy of talking to our children about pretty much everything. When we got our BFP after our IVF my kids knew about it right away. 

I'm genuinely curious about why you wouldn't want your children to know if you experience a loss? Do you think it would be frightening for them? You might consider the fact that if you did have a loss, they might be very confused about why you are sad if they don't know the reason behind it. 

Ssoccerball

@mthoomom, I think my natural inclination is to shield my children from sad or negative things, but it's something I fight against because I realize that I'm sometimes doing them a disservice (case in point, when my son yelled the b-word at school because he had never heard a curse word, didn't know it was bad and was repeating a friend ). Oddly, this is an area they've had some exposure to because a neighbor that we know well lost her baby at 26 weeks to Trisomy 18.  My kids obviously knew she was pregnant and we had to explain what happened.  Somehow I just felt like it might be more traumatizing if it's their sibling, but you make a really good point.  That's why I wanted to ask you ladies because I wanted to look at this from a different view.  Thanks so much for your feedback!

Goldsgirl9

This is such a personal decision. I understand your hesitation as someone who suffered back to back losses. Are you having the Harmony or Matern21 Test? For us, we decided we would let family know after that test but then we decided to wait even longer (18 weeks) because we just weren't ready and quite frankly we were just afraid of losing this little guy.

I think your children are old enough to understand and only you know how they might cope with a loss. You will know when the time is right but it is only natural to want to shield your children from pain as well as be protective over this pregnancy after a loss. Good luck with whatever route you decide to take.  

Jenniferk08

Working in a hospital and just in life I have seen loses at all times. I had a chemical pregnancy, I knew someone who delivered at 19wks and the baby didn't make it, I know someone who lost a baby 2 days before their due date. I also know someone who had a baby 2 months premature with their intestines born outside. It took time but the baby went home. 

Once you have the heartbeat and a good NT scan I would tell them. Let them share in the joy. Even if something were to happen they have a right to share in the memories of their sibling. And when nothing happens they have all the more time to drive you nuts planning for their siblings arrival. 

(My 5 year old is mad my name options are not Casey jones and April o Neil. He also feels this baby is taking forever. I don't know what the future holds and I've had some scary moments. But I wouldn't give up these times with him for anything.)

Glow360

Firstly this is just my opinion and congrats on your pregnancy!! In my experience I suffered 4mc while TTC and now  I'm 6 weeks pregnant, I won't tell anyone until I'm past 12 weeks. But that's just me. A mc is a highly private and emotional experience and from my view something very personal. I know V day seems like the perfect time, and you should be excited.....but I would wait. The thought of having to go back and tell people I'm no longer pregnant is what keeps me not saying. You can lose a baby anytime, but more so early like we are. Ultimately do what you know is right, what you feel works for you. Many people go on to have healthy pregnancies.

lickastick

So what happened? Did you announce? How is it all going @Ssoccerball ?

Ssoccerball

Aww, thanks for asking!  I told my mom and my sister, who were surprised, but very excited.  Just telling them lifted some of the pressure and made me feel so much better.   I asked them to keep it to themselves, though.  DH did the same thing with his mom and brother and I think he was glad to have someone to talk to about it (besides me).  We're both happy about this pregnancy, but we debated for years about having a third and after finally pulling the trigger, having twins has brought on some anxiety for us both.  Being able to talk about it with other adults has been good for us.   

 I have my 12-week ultrasound in 2 weeks and we are going to tell our kids immediately afterwards.  I'm very excited to tell them, but was just too scared to do it until we were out of the first trimester.  We'll announce to everyone else then, too.  So it ended up being a combination of the advice that I received from you ladies.  I really appreciate all of your help!

Sporty1216

That sounds like a great compromise! Glad you got to tell some people and that you'll be able to tell your kids with greater confidence!

lickastick

That is so wonderful that you found a good middle ground and can feel the support of loved ones! FX for your 12 week scan. I have only told my sister so far and I will tell more people sometime after 12weeks. 

bgf1

@Ssoccerball  glad you found a decision that is right for you. We waited until 14 weeks to tell our kids.  The plan was to only wait until 12, but then I just felt almost superstitious like I might jinx something... Finally at 14 weeks we'd just visited a friend with a new baby and on the way home my son asked when we'd have a new baby, and the time was just right.  They kids are so funny and excited about the baby.  Let us know how your reveal goes

miso330

I'm glad you told your close family members. It's nice to have the emotional support. Hope you have a good update for us soon.