hi guys, I've hit my breaking point and I just need to vent!
It's my dream to be able to have a home birth, and DH and I have been preparing emotionally for and educating ourself for years to be able to make it a reality. What I didn't plan for was my insurance. I am coming to find out that doing a home birth will be at least 3x more expensive than a hospital or a birth center because of the way my insurance is. I've spent hours and hours over the past 2 weeks on the phone with insurance, doctors, midwives, and labs trying to figure out a way to make this happen. I am so frustrated because it feels like I am the only on advocating for me and I have to check every single code for every single test and visit to get any sort of information. I am super disappointed in my midwives because they have a totally blase attitude of "oh we don't really know about that, we can figure it all out someday." I feel like I am drowning and that there is no one on my side, and I can't help but wonder what is the message I am meant to learn from all of this. I am even questioning if the midwives are the right fit for me. There is very little option for home birth in my city so I only have about 4 practices to choose from, and these were the ones I liked the most.
I've been so annoyed with DH, everything he does makes my skin crawl (hormones perhaps?) I still haven't told anyone yet about the pregnancy and I am so sad that I can't just enjoy being pregnant and that I have to fight so hard on this issue.
On top of all of that I've been estranged from one of my BFF's since she found out she was pregnant with her second after 1 month of trying (I told this story on TTC <35 so some of you know it) Basically since she told me (in nov) she was pregnant she never texted or called me beyond me getting in touch with her, I haven't heard from her in a month. I took her BFP pretty hard but still asked her about the pregnancy and how she was doing and checked in on her, but she never once asked how I was doing. She knew we were TTC, and maybe she didn't know what to say to me, but I'm so hurt she never checked in because november and december were 2 of the hardest months I have ever experienced with depression from TTC. Getting a BFP didn't erase that I wanted her support, and that I wished she would have asked me how I was doing. It doesn't erase the difficulty of the journey. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and at this point I can't feel happy sharing that with her while I still feel hurt.
I guess the hardest part about everything is feeling so alone and shouldering the burden (and the joy) completely to myself.
Thanks for listening if you have hung in until this point! I don't know how I could have made it this far without you guys.