hi guys, I've hit my breaking point and I just need to vent!
It's my dream to be able to have a home birth, and DH and I have been preparing emotionally for and educating ourself for years to be able to make it a reality. What I didn't plan for was my insurance. I am coming to find out that doing a home birth will be at least 3x more expensive than a hospital or a birth center because of the way my insurance is. I've spent hours and hours over the past 2 weeks on the phone with insurance, doctors, midwives, and labs trying to figure out a way to make this happen. I am so frustrated because it feels like I am the only on advocating for me and I have to check every single code for every single test and visit to get any sort of information. I am super disappointed in my midwives because they have a totally blase attitude of "oh we don't really know about that, we can figure it all out someday." I feel like I am drowning and that there is no one on my side, and I can't help but wonder what is the message I am meant to learn from all of this. I am even questioning if the midwives are the right fit for me. There is very little option for home birth in my city so I only have about 4 practices to choose from, and these were the ones I liked the most.
I've been so annoyed with DH, everything he does makes my skin crawl (hormones perhaps?) I still haven't told anyone yet about the pregnancy and I am so sad that I can't just enjoy being pregnant and that I have to fight so hard on this issue.
On top of all of that I've been estranged from one of my BFF's since she found out she was pregnant with her second after 1 month of trying (I told this story on TTC <35 so some of you know it) Basically since she told me (in nov) she was pregnant she never texted or called me beyond me getting in touch with her, I haven't heard from her in a month. I took her BFP pretty hard but still asked her about the pregnancy and how she was doing and checked in on her, but she never once asked how I was doing. She knew we were TTC, and maybe she didn't know what to say to me, but I'm so hurt she never checked in because november and december were 2 of the hardest months I have ever experienced with depression from TTC. Getting a BFP didn't erase that I wanted her support, and that I wished she would have asked me how I was doing. It doesn't erase the difficulty of the journey. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and at this point I can't feel happy sharing that with her while I still feel hurt.
I guess the hardest part about everything is feeling so alone and shouldering the burden (and the joy) completely to myself.
Thanks for listening if you have hung in until this point! I don't know how I could have made it this far without you guys.
Re: So stressed and frustrated
for us can seem routine or mundane. But you want your team to be your team--to be on your side, excited with you and for you, etc. Maybe give them another few weeks and if you still aren't happy, do another round of interviews. In some ways, you really know more now about what you want and need from a midwife team than you did the first time you interviewed them. And, I don't say this to minimize your dream of the home birth, but my experience with LO, where everything went sideways, has encouraged me to encourage others to maintain some flexibility with the birth plan. It will be beautiful--even if it turns out you can't make exactly what you wanted to happen happen (though I really hope you can!).
Re: your DH and your BFF: I'm sorry about those situations too. Probably the annoyance with DH is at least partially hormones. I know it is for me. So I'm just creating and taking space where I need to and that has helped a lot. I'm also trying to be better about articulating my needs to him more clearly, but sometimes I don't do it well and just snap. Oops.
As for your BFF, that's such a hard situation. I hope that you will be able to tell her about your pregnancy and that maybe the two of you can have a real heart to heart that will do some healing.
Anyway. The first trimester is so hard. I'm sorry you have all of this going on too. So ready for second tri and cute bumps and the excitement of everyone knowing. Take care and know we are all here! So grateful for this little community.
As for your friend -- I'm friends with a girl who is very sensitive and is often hurt by things that others aren't aware of. I don't remember your November post. It may have been after my bfp. But just based on the info here, I'm wondering if she knows how hard and emotionally draining TTC has been for you. Just before my bfp, I told my sister I was bummed that some other people got bfp's and she was shocked and said I should be happy for them and TTC should be exciting and happy. (Ironically, she said acupuncture would fix that.) Despite the fact that I had been trying for almost a year and had two losses, she was surprised to hear that I wasn't happy and excited. I wonder if your friend realizes that. Or maybe she does realize that and she doesn't want her happiness to upset you. If you shared that you were pregnant too, I'm sure communication would increase.
The bottom line is, you can't decide what kind of friend someone else will be. My sensitive friend would love for me to call her a lot and be very attentive, but that isn't me. Friends don't always live up to our friendship requirements, but there really shouldn't be requirements.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
@carrieandroy you are right she doesn't know of my struggles and the only way to "fix" it is to communicate with her and I am the only one that can do that.
I'm sorry about the midwives and home birth stuff, that is super complicated. Maybe examine the midwives group behavior carefully (I'm only saying this because it seems like you liked them at first) and see if their blasé attitudes exist most of the time or when it comes to insurance matters. I have found that when it comes to insurance, everyone passes the buck onto the patient because it's such a screwed up, obnoxious paperwork mine field. No one wants to deal with anything that is outside of the standard process. I know talking to insurance is surely stressful but the way the American system is set up, it really is our responsibility as the patient to know what our coverage is and to advocate for our healthcare. It really sucks. All the best
Guarantee you'll feel better after venting to your BFF!
We we told our family and some close friends this week after our good appointment on Monday. While that felt risky (we didn't tell as many people this early last time), it also felt SO freeing. Your first appointment is coming soon, right? Maybe you can feel more free to share with at least a few key people after that, If not before?
Hang in there! Thinking of you...
sorry to hear about your bff- always tough to be disappointed by someone you thought was a good friend. Definitely keep trying to make contact and hopefully she'll come around!
Tried for DS for 1 year; one dose clomid Nov 2011 = DS born on 8/10/12
BFP 6/30/15 MMC 7wks 5 days D/E 8/9/15
BFP 1/8/16 EDD 9/9/16
definitely talk to ur bff, so easy to not talk and let this further spiral when really you both miss each other.
and men can be dumb;) I love my hubs to pieces but we spent a lot of time figuring out how to communicate, first when we got married and then after we had our son. I would just assume he should know what I want, that never happens. Asking is always best!
keep us posted:)
As for your BFF, I agree with others that you just have to have the hard, honest conversation so she knows where you're coming from and how you're feeling. I often find the build up to these conversations is so much worse than the reality.
Good luck to you as navigate through these issues!
I love that there are some diverse views here on birthing options and I hope we continue to discuss them. When we started TTC I researched my insurance coverage and was intrigued by the option of working with midwives for prenatal care and a midwife assisted birth in the hospital. This is probably minor, but I just couldn't get over the thought of going through labor while hooked up to an IV. Soon after, I had to have (what still appears to be) random colorectal surgery and now I'll need to have a c-section to prevent further damage. I look on the bright side that at least I've had plenty of time for this reality to sink in.
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
@redheadbride15 I agree with what you are saying completely. The weird thing is I don't feel like they are blase about the health and safety part of the whole process (they are some of the most experienced midwives in the county), but it still isn't right that they aren't addressing the concerns that are coming up for me now in a way where I feel supported. It's just really put me off them.
@BernieRae I'm so sorry that an option has been taken off the table for you. Even though it is out of your control it can still hurt not to be able to choose. I really respect your attitude about it and I know a lot of woman that have had beautiful cesarian birth experiences. It's not a lesser experience, just a different one.
I ended up needing to be induced due to high BP and fetal monitoring indicating that babe wasn't as active as he should have been. I had planned on an entirely natural birth and attempted that, in terms of pain relief, even with the induction. Well, I wasn't dialating very quickly and after a day of labor, was exhausted. I finally did an epidural and then when my BP dropped, baby didn't tolerate it well. We continued to try to get him here vaginally, but it just wasn't happening. Ultimately, for his safety and mine, we had to do a c-section. It was not what I had planned at all, but it was still amazing and I have some funny memories of our time in the OR and I got to have him held up to me within minutes of his birth. He sucked on my chin and cheek, so we got right to the business of nursing as soon as we got to recovery.
This time we will do a planned c-section and my OB assured me that those tend to be easier on a person in terms of recovery, because your body isn't worn out from laboring first.
Anyway. Long story short: if you ever want to talk about the c-section deal, feel free to be in touch!
I'm trying not to have too much of an idea in my head about how I want my birth to be, because I know that's a recipe for potential disappointment. At the end of the day I don't think I have strong feelings about the process. It's only one day of my life. I just want it to be safe.
Ideally, I want my OB to practice evidence-based medicine, but as a physician I also realize that's not always possible because there just aren't good studies done on 90% of what we do, so there's a certain art involved in the process as well. I've been reviewing the primary medical literature around childbirth as much as I can (I have more to read still) but at the end of the day the data seems equivocal about the vast majority of interventions that are "controversial" (like fetal monitoring, use of c-sections for various indications, episiotomies). I just have to trust that my OB practice is up-to-date on everything, and that they use sound judgment. I think I am building that trust with them.
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
but it I think the bottom line really is to trust your care providers and to be able to communicate with them honestly and freely. I feel like if my OB wasn't my OB, we'd be friends and that means so much to me. When I was having my son, she was home with her own kids and was on the phone with me in the hospital late in the night and came in after midnight to do the surgery. She promised me she would see me through the whole thing and she did. I have the same confidence in her this time and I hope for everyone to find that good match--whatever that looks like!
@BernieRae - I know exactly how you're feeling. I had a random finding on a brain MRI (done for migraines) of a congenital Chiari malformation, which I was assured would have zero impact on my life. Fast forward a few years, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my OB calls me at home to drop the bomb that she's been discussing my case with the anesthesia team at the hospital I deliver at and none of them are comfortable with me having a spinal or epidural. They want me to have a Neuro consult before they'll consider - make another doctor make the call. So, I cried and cried and then headed off to the neurologist who dropped the bomb that the safest way for me to deliver is a c-section with general anesthesia. UGH! It broke my heart to be ASLEEP when I delivered my baby girl. BUT, I had the most amazing team of friends and co-workers who took great care of my girl, videotaped the whole surgery (I told my OB I probably saw more of my baby's birth than most awake c-section mamas), followed her to the nursery with the video camera like paparazzi, etc. It was an amazing experience and I had two weeks to make it the experience I wanted it to be. It's all in your attitude and how you spin it in your head. C-sections aren't the end of the world. They're doing amazing things now. Make sure to ask for skin to skin in the OR - we're doing that routinely with all babies (preterm and term) at our hospital. They also have these clear drapes at my hospital so the mom can watch what's going on if that's something that interests you. You can still make it really special.
Thank you for sharing your stories, @Sporty1216 and @emsmama15 ! I think down the line I will want to check in with each of you on c-section birth and recovery. I've been feeling a lot like you, @redheadbride15. My expectations are not necessarily negative, I just haven't been expecting to feel great about it. Mostly because I have a low tolerance for being around "medical stuff". I have to look away when I get a blood draw! So that plastic curtain would not be my cup of tea. My husband (the critical care nurse) would LOVE it though. I feel like all will be ok because I know he will be focused and present for the baby during and after birth even if I'm not handling it ok! @emsmama15 I'm so glad that the professionals in the OR with you were friends and that you got to have a recording! It would be hard for me if my husband couldn't be there, and really hard for him too. But totally trusting your team and considering them friends...Sounds like an amazing group of people to welcome your daughter.
@createillumination - yes, this discussion has made a detour! Sorry about that! Although I guess that happens during discussions in real life too
@sporty1216, I like the part about the baby sucking on your chin and cheek. Every now and then something will make actually meeting this little girl one day seem real. Reading that gave me that feeling.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
@emsmama15 Wow! Just wow that you so much for sharing that with us. I really honor you and your experience and rising to the grace that you did.
I love the book birthing from within, it was one of those books that change my life. In it, the author talks about "facing your fears" of different ways of giving birth. She recommends sitting down and thinking/feeling what would happen in each scenario. ie.. birth without drugs, birth with drugs, c-section birth, emergency birth. So while I strive for a specific type of birth experience, I know that things can change in an instant and my path could lead me down any number of roads. I plan to research every type of birth and face any fears I have about birthing in those different ways. My hope in doing this is that if I give birth in a way that is different than "my plan" I won't feel disenchanted about the experience.