Lots of different thoughts and venting

briannef90

I thought that after almost 2 months since my miscarriage, I would have been able to move on better than I have, but that just isn't the case. Some days are better than others, so that's progress, but I still hate the fact that the baby I lost is on my mind every single day. I still wonder why it had to happen, I think about how unfair it is, and I am so unsure on if I want to try again right away or wait. There are SO many mixed feelings, which I'm sure you all know very well about. It's just so hard. I think it's been particularly hard this week because I finally allowed myself to see friends 3 days in a row, other than coworkers and my husband. I think it really took a toll on me since I have been hiding out at home since the miscarriage. It's great that I am finally out and about, but it has also been stressful.

Another stressful thing is that I am in limbo right now until tomorrow afternoon. I still haven't had my period and it will be exactly 2 months on Friday. I have taken pregnancy tests for two weeks and they are coming out positive, but I wasn't sure about if it was leftover hormones from the miscarriage/possible retained tissue(i had a natural miscarriage) or a new pregnancy. I went to get my blood drawn on Friday and my HCG was at 84. I was told it could go either way, which is true, but I have been so stressed out since that day. I'm so scared and nervous about what I'll find out on Tuesday. If I'm pregnant again I'll be happy but worried about another miscarriage, but if I'm not I'll also be sad, but also a little indifferent because idk if I want to wait to try again for another baby right away or not. There are SO many mixed emotions and I just hate not knowing. I hate waiting!

Something else that has been sad the past couple of weeks are my 3 coworkers that are pregnant. They are starting to show their bumps and I am so jealous of them. I love to see them happy and with healthy babies, but they constantly give me such sad looks, and I try not to stare at them too much. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks ladies if you read all of that. It feels good to type everything out, even if it is just rambling. I am sorry for all of your losses Take care of yourselves.

Wishilivedinflorida

I'm sorry for your loss. Just offering wishes for some answers soon for you. I can relate to all the things you are feeling too. There is no wrong or right way to feel about your loss or others around you who are pregnant. I waver every day wondering if I'll be more happy or terrified when we do conceieve again, and still find myself bitter around friends who are pregnant or have kids/babies (which is basically all of them). I hope that whatever answers you get on Tuesday, that you find peace and minimal anxiety! 

briannef90

Thanks so much @Wishilivedinflorida. I also feel bitter, but I think it's something I'll have deal with for a while. Until I have a baby of my own, I'll probably always feel that way.

I found out today that my numbers were down more, meaning that my hormones are taking FOREVER to go back down. I should have my period in the next couple of weeks. I'm bummed, but also super happy to be able to move on and get back to normal. Thank you for your kind words.

zrain

I can definitely relate that the uncertainty and waiting are horrible, as well as feeling bitter and confused. I'm so glad that you are able to get some relief in being able to move forward. *hugs to you* and I'm sorry you have to go through this