Intro + what does "ready" mean?

doxiemoxie212

Hi - I'm new here.  I've been lurking on and off for about a year now, but I think I'm finally ready to more actively join the community. 

My husband and I have been married for three years (together for eight years), we're 28, and we're thinking about TTC this summer. My husband has been going gangbusters about trying for the last two years, but I've wanted to be practical about it.

As the summer approaches, I keep oscillating between feeling ready and feeling overwhelmed. I suppose that's normal, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Very few of our friends are married let alone thinking about TTC. Honestly, that's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to TTC - being the only parents in our peer group seems like it might be rather isolating. That said, we probably hang out with friends only 2-3 times a month as is, and I don't think it's right for me to base our life decisions around what our friends are or are not doing. And yet... it continues to be something I stress about. The truth is, if we moved out to the suburbs, and had at least one friend who lived in the suburbs with us who was thinking about kids soon, I would be 100% ready. But moving out to the suburbs AND being the only mom I know around our age seems like the ultimate form of isolation. 

When I mentally go through the list of practical things we should have in place before we have kids, most of it is there. We own a two-bedroom apt where we live in Manhattan flat out with no mortgage. We each have good jobs, and my husband makes enough money that if I wanted to end up being a SAHM, I could. We have money in savings. My husband's family is very closeby.

But then I think about raising a kid in an apt in Manhattan - yikes! Or that a two bedroom apt means there wouldn't be a bedroom for my mom to stay in when she comes to visit. And I do still have student loans - the interest rate is really low, but they are still significant. And while we both have really good jobs, we also both work really long hours, and I have to travel a lot. 

Tipping the scales back the other way, both of our parents were in their 40s when they had us, so if we wait much longer, the chances of our kids getting to know their grandparents gets slimmer and slimmer. It's really important to me that my mom is around when I have kids and is able to get to know them. 

So, I guess my query for you all is this: what did ready mean for you? Did it mean having all your ducks perfectly in a row? Did it mean being in the right emotional place with your partner and then figuring out the rest as you go? And did any of you have worries like mine before you had kids - and do you think they were justified now?

TIA!

Xstatic3333

We just started TTC, and we definitely don't have all our ducks in a row! We have some debt, but enough room in our budget to handle daycare. For us, getting to ready was more of a feeling. This past Christmas, for example, we started to feel like something was missing from our family. That's when we decided to move forward. 

It's a little bit of an unpopular opinion, but I also don't think you need to move to the suburbs to have kids. If you want to, awesome! I think a lot of people do it out of a sense of obligation, however. We plan to raise our kids in the city (although our city would probably feel like a suburb next to Manhattan!) and think it will have many great experiences to offer any future LOs. 

Re. friends, I'm in the opposite situation and one of the last to have kids. When friends with kids have drifted away, I've felt like it's more their choice than mine. I love hanging out with friends' kids, and am bummed by the few who have drifted away to "mom friends" instead of staying close, despite my efforts to make it easy on them. 

Good is luck as you decide!

bmo88

doxiemoxie212: Great question. 

Being "ready" for us has been a work in progress and will continue to be for the next year. Our plan is to start TTC next January/February. 

Currently, we both have great jobs, make really good money, own a home and are in our late 20's (I am almost 28 and he is 29). We have traveled a fair amount as well and feel very emotionally ready for a child. 

However, we are focusing on the following things over the next year to get prepared:

• DH's student loans--We have been aggressively paying off his loan. It was originally $28,000, now it's down to $12,000 and will be gone by this October.
• My graduate school--I decided to return to grad school this month to complete my master's degree, I will finish in May 2017. 
• Job adjustment--I just took over my organization as the Executive Director this past July and so it has been a major adjustment. I want to be in the position for at least two years before having a child. I currently work between 60-70 hours a week. The idea would be to find more balance or DH may adjust his work schedule.
• Finances--We just saved up 6 months in our emergency fund, which was a goal, and now we are aiming to have $5,000 specifically for a baby fund. We will also have all debt, except for the mortgage paid off by next January.
• Family--DH's family lives in town, but my parents currently live out of state. My parents are planning on moving here next summer. So having them around would be a tremendous help.

So as you can tell, we (mostly me) are more of the having ducks in the row to be prepared. Will everything be perfect? Absolutely not. We are just trying to get to a place where we are comfortable and confident in our decision. At this point, we are pretty certain we will start next January/February and if all of these things don't line up, we will be flexible. 

Sirius37

DH and I decided over a year ago that we would start TTC after his next deployment (he leaves next month) that way he would be around for the pregnancy and birth. When we agreed, I was concerned I wouldn't feel very ready. Since this past August however, I feel like we're just waiting on this deployment to be over now! DH has wanted kids from the get-go, but it was important to me to finish my bachelors first and get a living arrangement lined up. We still have some debt (mainly my student loans) and I am currently in a master's degre program, which I should be finished with by next summer. 
For us, I guess, it was a bit of a mixture of getting ducks in a row and feeling ready. We feel like we have the "bigger points" lined out (family near by, own house, good jobs), which helped us feel more ready, at least for me. I completely agree with you that you shouldn't base decisions about starting a family around your friends choices. I have friends that are moms (some with 3 kids under age 6!) and we still make time for each other. Besides, if you do decide to move to the suburbs (which, like @Xstatic3333 said, you don't have to if you don't want), there's every chance you'll meet other moms out there in a similar situation.
Just remember it's normal to feel overwhelmed and never "completely" ready. Good luck!

doxiemoxie212

Xstatic3333 I totally agree - we don't have to move to the suburbs, but I have a hard time imagining how Manhattan is realistically affordable with children in any kind of sustainable way. To get a three bedroom apt (with rooms a person could actually fit furniture in) is probably in the $2+ mill range. My husband grew up in the city, and until he was 10, he and his three younger brothers shared one bedroom with bunk beds (so a 2-bedroom apt total). But I think I would just go insane without having at least a small yard to let the kids go out and play! I know people do it, it's just hard for me to imagine. Maybe that's just my only child suburban upbringing kicking in, though. And from a friend standpoint, I just think it might be hard for our friends to relate to having kids and having different responsibilities. One of the women I work with is in her early thirties and has a kid in the city, but they want to move to the suburbs because she says 1) she's by far the youngest mom in any of her mom groups, so it makes it hard to relate, 2) it's just really challenging to fit all the baby stuff into a 700 sqf apt, 3) as he grows, he wants to play, and there just isn't very much room to do so. My husband says we can have kids without being in our "forever home" but moving is terrible enough without children! Haha. Moving is the worst!

bmo88 I hear you on the work hours. My husband's schedule fluxes from 50-100 hours a week depending on workload and time of year. Mine is more in the 45-60 hour range. Finding balance is key. I worry that since most people within our industries in NYC don't have children until they're in their late 30s, and thus at a much more senior level than we are, that we won't be given the same ability to flex our schedules as I would like. Do you find that at all in your industry?

Sirius37  That's exciting! My brother-in-law got back from deployment in the past year, and I think he and his wife are going to start trying soon. She's also in the military, though, at a pretty high level, so I think there might be more challenges there -- not sure.

bmo88

doxiemoxie212: We both work in education, so it's an interesting industry. We have times of the year that are very hectic (when school is in session) and then periodic breaks that are lulls in work (vacations). We work at a year round school, so there isn't a 3 month summer, instead there are random weeks off every now and then. So it's hard to establish a real rhythm and balance to the work. 

Xstatic3333

@doxiemoxie212 the financial aspect of Manhattan totally makes sense. In my much smaller city, which is still the biggest in my state, it's actually pretty affordable, and we do have a small yard.  Even with that, though, we take a lot of heat from random family and colleagues for moving here with plans to start a family. Lots of comments like "you'll want to move on to the suburbs soon" or "just wait until you have kids" (ugh, can that phrase be banned from the planet!?) You guys sound like you know what you want and where to find it. It's awesome you own your apartment outright. That will give you so many more choices when you move!

FWIW, my best friend lives in Brooklyn. We're in our early 30s, and she has a lot of friends with babies there. Maybe that's where the slightly younger mom crowd in NYC can be found? 

I'd say that other than moving first if you want to, you guys sound more than totally ready from a practical and financial standpoint. It's all going to come down to when you feel ready. 

kristah2

My grandmother used to say "if you wait until you have enough money to have children, you will never have them". Money can be interchanged here with time, family, space, spare time, etc. Etc. 
Basically, your ducks may never be in a perfect row but you'll know when you're emotionally and mentally ready. 

My grandmother had 16 children, she's got more wisdom about that then I'll ever see! 

Bigboobsmcgee

For me, I wanted to make sure we could afford childcare before having kids since both DH and I work full time. Since having my 2 kids, I only work 4 days now because I want more time at home with them. All of my priorities changed. You might be surprised that yours do too.

I don't think you will want to be working 45+ hours after you have a kid. You might not realize this but some babies go to bed as early as 6pm in the evening so that would leave little to no time with your child.

As far as your friends not having kids - I doubt that will matter once baby is here. Almost every moment of your day (that you aren't at work) will be consumed by your baby/child. That's not exactly a bad thing: my kids are my life. Yes you will want to make time for yourself but at the end of the day, you'll be lucky to get away for a date night with your husband, let alone go hang out with your friends.

I have 2 kids; one is 4 and one is 16 months so I'm not in the thick of it anymore and luckily we get out as much as we want to (which isn't that often). The friends we hang out with the most don't have kids and don't want kids. Doesn't matter to us at all. True friendships will stay true regardless of whether or not you all have kids. My favorite nights and when DH and I have drinks together at home once the kids go to bed. That's way different than what I liked to do pre-kids!

I'm not trying to scare you or make things sound bad but there are some realities about being a parent that you can't learn from talking to others, you just have to experience it. At some point you just have to bite the bullet and go for it.

Bigboobsmcgee

doxiemoxie212 said:

Xstatic3333 I totally agree - we don't have to move to the suburbs, but I have a hard time imagining how Manhattan is realistically affordable with children in any kind of sustainable way. To get a three bedroom apt (with rooms a person could actually fit furniture in) is probably in the $2+ mill range. My husband grew up in the city, and until he was 10, he and his three younger brothers shared one bedroom with bunk beds (so a 2-bedroom apt total). But I think I would just go insane without having at least a small yard to let the kids go out and play! I know people do it, it's just hard for me to imagine. Maybe that's just my only child suburban upbringing kicking in, though. And from a friend standpoint, I just think it might be hard for our friends to relate to having kids and having different responsibilities. One of the women I work with is in her early thirties and has a kid in the city, but they want to move to the suburbs because she says 1) she's by far the youngest mom in any of her mom groups, so it makes it hard to relate, 2) it's just really challenging to fit all the baby stuff into a 700 sqf apt, 3) as he grows, he wants to play, and there just isn't very much room to do so. My husband says we can have kids without being in our "forever home" but moving is terrible enough without children! Haha. Moving is the worst!

bmo88 I hear you on the work hours. My husband's schedule fluxes from 50-100 hours a week depending on workload and time of year. Mine is more in the 45-60 hour range. Finding balance is key. I worry that since most people within our industries in NYC don't have children until they're in their late 30s, and thus at a much more senior level than we are, that we won't be given the same ability to flex our schedules as I would like. Do you find that at all in your industry?

Sirius37  That's exciting! My brother-in-law got back from deployment in the past year, and I think he and his wife are going to start trying soon. She's also in the military, though, at a pretty high level, so I think there might be more challenges there -- not sure.

I couldn't imagine just having H and I in a 700 sq ft apartment and I definitely wouldn't want to add a baby to a place that small. People do it all the time but damn, babies have a lot of gear and that's just too small for me.

doxiemoxie212

That's great perspective, Bigboobsmcgee. I think that's also what I struggle with - how do I separate which things I worry about now because I have all this extra time to worry from real concerns that will still be there when we have kids? It's true - at some point you just bite the bullet and figure it out. 

My ideal night already is watching TV at home with my husband drinking wine. Nothing better. If friends want to come over and drink wine and watch TV with us, great, but if not, great. (Is this the right time for me to mention I look forward least to giving up wine for baby growing?)

Here's where my head is at, I think I finally figured it out. When I think about having kids, I think about it similarly to the decision to get married. When we were first dating, we were the only people we knew in relationships, and it was HARD. It was really, really hard to be in a serious relationship amidst a bunch of single people. Once we got married and had a ton of couple friends, it was EASY. I love hanging out with our couple friends. And I don't always love hanging out with our single friends because what they want to do (meet people) is not what I want to do, and they can't really relate to not wanting to stay up until 4am trying to meet other singles. And because I have nothing else to compare it to, I think about that re: having kids. It just seems like the process would be so much more fun if I had a mom friend I could bitch to and have playdates with. Blargh.

^^ this was a lot of introspection for one day, haha. 

Bigboobsmcgee

doxiemoxie212 said:

That's great perspective, Bigboobsmcgee. I think that's also what I struggle with - how do I separate which things I worry about now because I have all this extra time to worry from real concerns that will still be there when we have kids? It's true - at some point you just bite the bullet and figure it out. 

My ideal night already is watching TV at home with my husband drinking wine. Nothing better. If friends want to come over and drink wine and watch TV with us, great, but if not, great. (Is this the right time for me to mention I look forward least to giving up wine for baby growing?)

Here's where my head is at, I think I finally figured it out. When I think about having kids, I think about it similarly to the decision to get married. When we were first dating, we were the only people we knew in relationships, and it was HARD. It was really, really hard to be in a serious relationship amidst a bunch of single people. Once we got married and had a ton of couple friends, it was EASY. I love hanging out with our couple friends. And I don't always love hanging out with our single friends because what they want to do (meet people) is not what I want to do, and they can't really relate to not wanting to stay up until 4am trying to meet other singles. And because I have nothing else to compare it to, I think about that re: having kids. It just seems like the process would be so much more fun if I had a mom friend I could bitch to and have playdates with. Blargh.

^^ this was a lot of introspection for one day, haha. 

You focus too much on what other people are doing. I'm not ripping on you, but it's true (from what you've shared on here). There really isn't anything you should be "worrying" about now except if you think you can afford a baby and it sounds like you can. You sound like you are in a pretty damn good spot in your life.

Sure, deciding to have kids could be compared to deciding to get married but I would never in a million years base my decision to get married on what those around me were doing or have done. Their actions or relationship choices wouldn't affect me one bit. I also don't think it's hard to be married and hang out with single people so I'm baffled by your statement of it being "really, really hard" to be in a serious relationship around single people. I swear I'm not being mean but that sounds like something I would have said when I was 21.

It just sounds to me like you are too caught up in other people's lives and it's clouding your judgment about your own. You need to find yourself and be comfortable in your own life before starting a family. Having a baby will change every single aspect of your life, challenge your marriage, stretch your finances and change YOU as a person, completely. It's pretty fucking fabulous though.

bmo88

Bigboobsmcgee: I completely agree.

OP, not trying to sound harsh, but you really should think about your priorities and what you want. Focusing on others and keeping up with their life choices will not lead to any satisfaction or happiness. Have you really thought hard about why YOU want to have a child? 

Xstatic3333

OP, I'm a little prone to comparing myself to others, too, but I really agree with PPs that it's a good thing to work on. Once I'm a mother I know that society will place a lot of expectations on me, and it will be my job to rise above all that and decide what is best for my family. 

I'll make another comment. Again, not trying to be harsh, but to share an alternative viewpoint. You have implied that you like hanging out with people at the same life stage as you, and assume others feel the same. I wouldn't assume that. I love hanging out with my friends with kids, hearing about their struggles, and getting to know their new little people. I would be very hurt if they pushed me away because they only wanted to vent to mom friends (and on occasion, when this has happened, I've been pretty devastated). I work around their schedules, include their kids, and come to them because their friendship is important to me. Just because you're the first in your group to have kids doesn't mean that you'll be without a friend to chat about it with and vent to. 

doxiemoxie212

Bigboobsmcgee, well, I was 21, haha  

It was long before we got married, but during that time I found it difficult to have relationships with single friends. Once we we got married, we'd had couple friends for a few years. I'm just saying it's a lot easier to be in a serious relationship when you're not surrounded by people saying, "You should be single." Age could be a definite factor in that, though - early 20s are a rough time for most. 

When I hear the people in my life (friends, coworkers, family members, etc.) consistently say things to the effect of, "Anyone who has children before they're 30 is dumb/irresponsible/misguided/etc.," it makes me feel bad, though. And I don't think it's as simple as saying, stop caring what other people think. I hear what y'all are saying, and it's a mantra I try to repeat to myself daily. But sometimes anxiety does what anxiety wants. Friendships are based primarily on commonality - you like talking about the same things or doing the same things or you view the world in the same way. So, when things in your life change, sometimes your friendships do too. And that's mostly fine, but it's also a little scary.

I know, I know, I know - first world problems. People have babies all the time, and it is great and terrifying and wonderful and magical, and I will probably stop caring about any of these things once I have one because I'll have a whole new set of things I haven't even thought of yet to be worried about. 

But I think for now I need to just take it off the table for us. I really want to be ready because my husband is ready, but I don't think I am. Maybe I will be in six months. Maybe not. But this thread makes me realize that right now, thinking about it too much is just making me feel shitty, and that's got to be a sign I'm not there yet.