UPDATE! Shower Concerns- Advice Needed

Mrs Sweet Tea

Sorry this is longer than I intended but I needed to get it all all and get some advice. I'm feeling upset over the shower my mom is putting together and feeling guilty about that. I am happy that she has decided to have one, but I know she is only doing it because she feels obligated to since there is no one else who will (long story but MIL basically said not going to happen). My husband's side of the family is quite large and between my family and close friends and his family we have about 60 people on the guest list. The majority of them will be from out of town but I do think some will make the trip since it is in March and the winter weather won't be as brutal. My issue is that the place my mom got only fits 20 people. Definites to attend are my mom, myself, my sister, my grandmother, 2 aunts, my MIL, my SIL, my niece, my future SIL, at least 7 friends that still live in that area, and 3 extended family members. That's already 20! We would need everyone else to say they aren't coming and I just don't think that is going to happen.

I know money is tight for my parents (which is why I feel bad that she is even having a shower in the first place and that I am complaining about it), and my mom is too proud/stubborn to take help (even though my MIL said she would help pay for it since over half the guest list is from their side). She also won't let my friend (who is great at planning parties and lives in town- I am in a different state) who offered to help my mom multiple times, help her plan the shower, and from what I have heard (from my husband who my friend has been talking to about this because for some reason she didn't want me to know she was offering to help) my mom has never gotten back to her to even say no thanks which I think is beyond rude and I am so embarrassed.

I love my mom dearly but she needs help with this because she is not a party planner and I know she is already so stressed to begin with because of my dad (he has not been able to find work in years), but she just won't let anyone help her. I would rather not have a shower than have her be this stressed (and a party that just isn't going to turn out well/we don't have enough room for everyone). I have begged her to take my friend up on her offer (my mom was the one that told me she offered) but she just won't. I don't know how to tell my mom the place isn't big enough (we are going to talk about it later tonight). She also keeps trying to get me to come up with a theme and I told her I don't want a "theme" like she is thinking. Themes can get expensive (and tacky if not done right). I sent her examples of what I had in mind, blush and neutrals, and some baby's breath. Nothing elaborate, just sweet and tasteful. She caused some unnecessary stress when we got married (she refused to go to the wedding if we went with a tux that was not black- we were considering a tan or even brown, she scolded me DURING the ceremony because I didn't stay at the Mary statue long enough- in my defense, no one told me how long to stay there during rehearsal, etc.) and I thought we had gotten past her not listening when she has asked me what I want, but I guess not.

I just hate knowing how stressed she is and asking for something different, but logistically, things just won't work. Any thoughts on how to approach this without sounding like a complete spoiled brat?

PYLWhammy

I just can't fathom how she thinks 60 people will fit in a place that only fits 20. Even if half decline the invite that will still be too many. She is aware of that, right?
It's frustrating, but when you talk to her, just address the concrete issues like the venue size. Try not to let emotions or stuff from the past get in the way.

kp90

Sorry but some of that seems like your mom is a bit controlling and in a sense almost selfish. Yes she is throwing you a shower, yes they are expensive.. but it seems like you have hinted to her many times about what YOU want which is what you should get. Its your shower for your baby. End of story. Unfortunately I think the only way to solve this is to speak up and speak your mind. Tell her the amount of people will not fit in that facility and that you are now stressed. Hopefully you two can come to an agreement or she will take the help offered. You need to voice your concerns sooner than later.

Mrs Sweet Tea

@PYLWhammy @kp90  Thank you. It's very frustrating. When I sent her the file of addresses I color coded it as "for sure coming", "will likely attended", and "most likely will not come" so she could better estimate how many will be there. I know the first two categories definitely came to more than 20.

LadySamLady

This is tough. Clearly you cannot invite the 60+ people from your H's side if the venue only fits 20. Is there a specific reason your MIL doesn't want to host a shower for her side, if she is willing to pay to have them all there at the shower your mom is hosting? That seems a bit weird to me.

My mom is also throwing my shower with the help of one of my BFFS. Initially she had asked my MIL to co-host but my MIL declined for financial reasons. We live in NYC and everything here is so expensive, my first choice venue turned out to be $3K just for the space for a couple hours (not including food or drinks).  I ended up having a minor meltdown about it over the holidays that totally caught me off guard because I hadn't realized I cared so much. I was upset in the moment because it felt like it was costing my mom too much and I felt like a burden and maybe the resources spent on the shower would be better spent on the baby. I also felt like it wasn't going to be what I had envisioned (close to home, with a bigger guest list) which bummed me out and I thought maybe we just shouldn't have one at all. BUT, in talking to my mom I quickly realized that the shower isn't just about me. It is actually really important to my mom to give me this gift of a shower and the right thing for me to do was to accept the gift graciously. Now, we can't have it in our neighborhood at the overpriced venue and we can't invite everyone that I initially wanted to but it will be a special day that my mom creates and I'm excited to be surprised. I had to let go of my expectations, which weren't even that specific, and just be gracious. It is so freeing not be stressed about what is ultimately just a party, there are so many more important things to worry about right now.

Mrs Sweet Tea

@LadySamLady My in-laws changed when my niece was born. Everyone else has become rather obsolete. We are never included in holiday plans unless we are the ones to bring them up. They never come to visit us to actually see us, it is usually just stopping in to rest on their way somewhere else. She refused to come for my husband's 30th birthday last spring because she wanted to make it up north in time for her to eat a specific place for Mother's Day and stopping to see us could have messed that up. She is a snow bird and doesn't want to put the effort into finding a place and making all the arrangements (not an assumption, this is what she said in many more words), but they are very financially stable and wants everyone on the guest list so that is why she is ok paying. 

Edited to add: My in-laws are both retired and spend their days golfing, playing basketball, playing cards, going to the pool/beach, and helping older residents with computer related issues. 

cortney626

Obviously you can't invite 60 people with a venue that only holds 20. Does your mom know this? Maybe she's hoping you'll stick to the 20 people b/c of financial reasons? I'd be honest with her and express your concerns. Lay out what you have in mind. Ask her if that's feasible or what she has in mind. I agree that it may be important to her to throw the shower that's within her means. Maybe have a smaller shower and then a meet and greet after the baby is born? 

Mrs Sweet Tea

@cortney626 Truly the only way to have a smaller shower is to have two (which just won't happen) or to cut out all my friends. Even if I did that we're still around 45 people on the guest list. I really don't want to do that. The shower is in PA and I live in TX so unfortunately I don't think meet and greet after she is born is really feasible. 

sarawifenow

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@cortney626 Truly the only way to have a smaller shower is to have two (which just won't happen) or to cut out all my friends. Even if I did that we're still around 45 people on the guest list. I really don't want to do that. The shower is in PA and I live in TX so unfortunately I don't think meet and greet after she is born is really feasible. 

Have you asked your mom how many people she can afford to host? I agree with @cortney626 that this could be her way of telling you that she just can't do more. At this point, you could either decline the shower or make some serious cuts to the guest list. Your mom can't afford what she can't afford.

Mrs Sweet Tea

@sarawifenow I have not directly asked her but she was the one that offered to do the combined shower and she knows how big hubby's family is so that is why I haven't asked. I guess I was wrong to assume she knew what she was getting into when she offered.

LadySamLady

sarawifenow said:

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@cortney626 Truly the only way to have a smaller shower is to have two (which just won't happen) or to cut out all my friends. Even if I did that we're still around 45 people on the guest list. I really don't want to do that. The shower is in PA and I live in TX so unfortunately I don't think meet and greet after she is born is really feasible. 

Have you asked your mom how many people she can afford to host? I agree with @cortney626 that this could be her way of telling you that she just can't do more. At this point, you could either decline the shower or make some serious cuts to the guest list. Your mom can't afford what she can't afford.

Honestly, it sounds like you really can't have it both ways so you might as well come to terms with what you can have (20 people excited to celebrate you and your LO, yay!) and let go of what you can't. If you can't do that for your mom, do it for you. Make a choice to accept what is and be happy, it will feel good! I know it is hard, I really do. I personally ended up cutting most of our friends from the shower guest list because family had to be the priority, c'est la vie!

cortney626

sarawifenow said:

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@cortney626 Truly the only way to have a smaller shower is to have two (which just won't happen) or to cut out all my friends. Even if I did that we're still around 45 people on the guest list. I really don't want to do that. The shower is in PA and I live in TX so unfortunately I don't think meet and greet after she is born is really feasible. 

Have you asked your mom how many people she can afford to host? I agree with @cortney626 that this could be her way of telling you that she just can't do more. At this point, you could either decline the shower or make some serious cuts to the guest list. Your mom can't afford what she can't afford.

That's a tough situation because it seems like your mom can't afford more and doesn't want to take on help. But being out of state, I can see how you'd want to be able to invite everyone since you're not close by. I'd talk to your mom and express your concerns. Explain to her that you don't want to put too much burden on her. She should take up the offer of help and MIL's financial assistance since you'd like the larger shower while you're in town. I guess that can come off kind of bratty. But talk to your mom about what you envisioned and see what she envisions and work on coming to a common ground. She has to agree that you can't invite 60 people with only space for 20. Can you research other venues that are maybe cheaper but accommodate more?

laurenmdrn16

I would say have 2 showers. For reasons too ridiculous to even begin to touch upon here, there is no way I can host or be the guest of honor at an event that includes my side of the family and MH's side. I was going to have 2 showers with my first, then had complications (MIL still held her shower...while I was on hospital bed rest... so classy), so I insisted my mom cancel the shower she and my sisters had planned. If we were to have a second for this baby (we probably won't) we would have to separate the groups because of numbers and because I would rather not be a witness or wanted for murder. 

Maybe your mom could host one just for family and your friend could host a different one, like a Jack and Jill party, for friends. It could be more about just getting together with your buddies before motherhood descends while your mom's could be a more traditional themed shower.

sarawifenow

laurenmdrn16 said:

I would say have 2 showers. For reasons too ridiculous to even begin to touch upon here, there is no way I can host or be the guest of honor at an event that includes my side of the family and MH's side. I was going to have 2 showers with my first, then had complications (MIL still held her shower...while I was on hospital bed rest... so classy), so I insisted my mom cancel the shower she and my sisters had planned. If we were to have a second for this baby (we probably won't) we would have to separate the groups because of numbers and because I would rather not be a witness or wanted for murder. 

Maybe your mom could host one just for family and your friend could host a different one, like a Jack and Jill party, for friends. It could be more about just getting together with your buddies before motherhood descends while your mom's could be a more traditional themed shower.

I really like this suggestion, @laurenmdrn16. It seems like it would be a really nice compromise. OP you could do this and even have them in the same weekend while you are in town.

Mrs Sweet Tea

@laurenmdrn16 @sarawifenow If I were in town for longer that might be possible, but I am only in town for roughly 36hrs because I need to save my vacation/sick time for maternity leave and like I said earlier, even if I cut all my friends, we are still at about a 45 person guest list which is well over the 20 spots available unless we don't invite hubby's side but she already offered for it to be combined so I don't know what kind of issue that would create. 

JessicaB0627

I was going to suggest (but @laurenmdrn16 beat me to it) asking your friend that offered to help host your shower if she could help you out together a "get together" or another shower for just your friends. That way the guest list your mom is responsible for is only family. Even if you just did a small dinner with your friends instead of a traditional shower then that would take stress off of your mom and you and you still get to see everyone.

sarawifenow

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@laurenmdrn16 @sarawifenow If I were in town for longer that might be possible, but I am only in town for roughly 36hrs because I need to save my vacation/sick time for maternity leave and like I said earlier, even if I cut all my friends, we are still at about a 45 person guest list which is well over the 20 spots available unless we don't invite hubby's side but she already offered for it to be combined so I don't know what kind of issue that would create. 

Seems like none of the suggestions work for you on here. Bummer. I don't really know what else to say except that you are going to have to make cuts down to 20 if your mom isn't willing to pay for more/have a different venue or you are going to have to just decline the shower all together.

Mrs Sweet Tea

@sarawifenow Hubby is asking his mom right now for an updated estimate of who will actually attend to see if it is different from mine so I can give my mom a hopefully more accurate count. My mom and I are scheduled to talk about the shower tonight and I think I have decided I am telling her if she wants to keep it combined we need to find a bigger place and she has to let my in-laws help pay OR we only have it for my side of the family and friends so that should fit where she has it now (lord only knows what kind of issues that will cause with my in-laws though- I know, ridiculous since my MIL won't throw a shower, but it will probably happen)...or if she can't agree to 1 or 2, option 3 we just don't have one. 

sarawifenow

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@sarawifenow Hubby is asking his mom right now for an updated estimate of who will actually attend to see if it is different from mine so I can give my mom a hopefully more accurate count. My mom and I are scheduled to talk about the shower tonight and I think I have decided I am telling her if she wants to keep it combined we need to find a bigger place and she has to let my in-laws help pay OR we only have it for my side of the family and friends so that should fit where she has it now (lord only knows what kind of issues that will cause with my in-laws though- I know, ridiculous since my MIL won't throw a shower, but it will probably happen)...or if she can't agree to 1 or 2, option 3 we just don't have one. 

That sounds like the most reasonable plan that you could do right now. It is just hard because, with showers, you have such a limited amount of say in things. I hope things work out!

swflJD

@Mrs Sweet Tea IMO, if your mom offered to host a combined shower for both your side and you H's side of the family, she should have known that the number would have been more than 20.  If she couldn't afford more than 20, she should not have offered to host.  That being said, she did offer and is already in the process of planning it.  If the current venue won't hold more than 20, you need to see if she can/will find a new one.  Since a new, larger venue and more guests will probably cost more money, you should offer to pitch in for the difference if you can afford to do so.  Maybe ask your husband to talk to your MIL about paying for the added cost for his side's guest list (sounds like she would be okay with it since she already offered) and then just thank your MIL, give your mom the money, and don't tell her where it came from.  If your mom can't/won't change the venue to accommodate the guest list (that she agreed to host), she needs to cancel the shower. Period.  

dshannah

Mrs Sweet Tea said:

@sarawifenow Hubby is asking his mom right now for an updated estimate of who will actually attend to see if it is different from mine so I can give my mom a hopefully more accurate count. My mom and I are scheduled to talk about the shower tonight and I think I have decided I am telling her if she wants to keep it combined we need to find a bigger place and she has to let my in-laws help pay OR we only have it for my side of the family and friends so that should fit where she has it now (lord only knows what kind of issues that will cause with my in-laws though- I know, ridiculous since my MIL won't throw a shower, but it will probably happen)...or if she can't agree to 1 or 2, option 3 we just don't have one. 

Sounds like a plan.  BUT!!!  Don't lump "bigger place" together with letting the in-laws help pay! your mom might agree to the former if not for the latter.

Bigger places are not necessarily more expensive.  Ask your mom to look into renting the VFA or a Foreign Legion Hall, or a church basement or a school cafeteria/auditorium.  The fees are usually minimal and while you have to bring your own food, that's another way you can save money (I used to organize events for my job and the difference in bringing your own catering in was literally 5 times less: Lasagna, salad, bread, and dessert for 80 people was $400, while the catering minimum was $2000).

People will be happier to be together in a less fancy place than to have a smaller party in a nicer one, I am sure!

Good luck when you talk to your mom.  

Sunshinebins

Sounds like you can't do a whole lot until you talk to your mom tonight but hopefully that goes well!

I'm sort of torn on this...on one hand your mom is being unrealistic. On the other hand, your MIL isn't willing to throw a shower, so I feel like she shouldn't get much say in who's invited. Yes she's offered to pitch in, but it doesn't really work like that. If you don't host, you don't get to call the shots too. Ugh such a tough position! Let us know how it works out!

kp90

So what's the update? How did your talk go?

Mrs Sweet Tea

Things actually went MUCH better with my mom than I anticipated. I went back to my spreadsheet and adjusted my color coding slightly and came up with the number I think will actually show (35-40) and then called her. I explained who I thought was coming and who wasn't and gave her my estimate. I started talking about the options and she is more ok with option 1 now. She didn't want to ask my MIL for $ (totally understandable) but I told her MIL offered so she didn't need to ask; MIL wants the shower, just doesn't want to do the work so that's only fair I think. Also told her my SIL was interested in planning the games so that would be a help. She seemed more at ease after this. Mom said the place she booked (which is actually really cute and easy for us to get my grandmother there) at has another room that can hold up to 50 so she is going to call them today and see about changing the reservation to the bigger room. FX no one else has that room reserved and this will be an easy fix (especially since this place is OK with us bringing in our own cake, which I would prefer because my sister is a really amazing pastry chef). 

Thanks for listening/reading and the advice, I really appreciate it. 

Sunshinebins

Glad it's working out!!

okcountrygirl

Glad it sounds like it's working out! I feel super blessed to go to a church where the lady who has headed up the nursery for 20 years plans and puts on a baby shower for every single pregnant lady in the church! She is one amazing superwomen! The church even pays for the cake, punch, and snacks! It's nothing fancy, but it really makes you feel loved! I will still probably have a small shower with my close family/friends at my parents house, but it also probably won't be anything fancy. Finger foods and cake. Maybe some decorations? I won't want my mom to stress over it, but I'm sure my sisters will probably step up to help.

LadySamLady

@Mrs Sweet Tea That's great!!

nerdymama15

We have a similar problem in regards to space.  The people hosting my shower are having it at their house which does not hold many people.  So we are having a floating shower.  Basically you still have RSVPs for the purpose of knowing how much food to put out.  And you set a time range and people come and go as they please.  I've attended floating showers before and they work well

PYLWhammy

Woo-hoo! Glad it is coming along.