Both parents have anxiety

jennahkross

Question, if both my husband and I have anxiety, do you think my kids will also have it?

dmbfan46835

Following!! We had the same concerns... Go figure in worried about it, lol. We aren't medicated but holy shit, I'm a ball of anxiety most days. Constant worrier. Always thinking of the worst case scenario and planning accordingly. When I was pregnant I was calm and mellow... Then boom, back to crazy town. I hope this doesn't pass to our kids. My husband found his article and was hoping our anxiety was a gift and not a curse...

https://www.feelguide.com/2015/04/22/science-links-anxiety-to-high-iqs-sentinel-intelligence-social-anxiety-to-very-rare-psychic-gift/

yellowbean15

I'm also following. We are both anxious people and I have considerable social anxiety with a lot of family history. We've talked before about how/if we can go about raising our children to have less anxiety than us.

Bognes

This article relates to moms and daughters

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3417599/Emotional-brain-circuit-study-use-MRI-track-depression.html

mamadeez

Anxiety is typically a learned behaviour as far as I'm aware. Part of it is a learned thought process. Also, our fear responses and understanding of "threats" is learned thus we can develop real fear responses to non-threats, like normal social interactions, based on our personal history or "programming".

Consider how you react to threats, what you consider to be threats, and what habitual thought processes lead to or are part of your anxiety. Most of these behaviours are in your control; reactions/actions, thoughts, and re-determining what is actually a threat. Your kids learn how to interact with the world through interactions with you, and those immediately around them. Negative statements (we make so many without realizing), how you react to things (failure, socializing, etc), and what you see as threats can influence your child's perspective. Their own experiences will also do this as they grow.

My mom was on survivor mode due to growing up with abuse and neglect. There was a lot about emotion and communication that I had to learn later in life. My anxiety developed due to negative thought processes, over analyzing things within that negative thought process, and holding myself and my life to certain expectations. (Also an only child.) I saw other people as threats, and lacked control of my resulting emotions and felt incapable of controlling my reactions once I got to the point of anxiety attacks. I have found that emphasizing our ability to control our thoughts and communicate and understand our feelings is huge in helping youth with anxiety. My father also taught me meditation as a child, which helped me relax and clear my mind before bed (night can be bad for anxiety and it was a great part of our tucking-in routine) and I found that to be helpful too: teaching your children tools for self care.

When I was at the worst of my anxiety/depression I read about how it was a learned behaviour in most situations and realized the best way to help my kid was to help myself and be aware of myself. Take care of yourself. It can be hard to change how you think but it's possible if you want to. Otherwise...Try not to worry so much about the long term right now, and instead focus on being positive & communicating with your children in the present. It's okay to not be ashamed of your anxiety and to talk to them about your experience if you notice they develop those traits over time.

dmbfan46835

@mamadeez so true about our own expectations and being an only child. I spent my whole childhood trying to make my mom and dad happy, they are divorced and I felt like I had to impress each of them to make them love me. My expectations were crazy high for myself, they still are. And thus my expectations for everyone else are also high, which leaves me constantly disappointed. You have great advice on how to deal, and I think I need to start working on me NOW. I appreciate your insights!

JenLovesDesign

IMHO....the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....however, growing up I saw what a nervous nelly worry wart my Mom is, and decided not to worry like her.  I'm a lot more laid back, almost to my own detriment.  I think your children will take what works from you, and hopefully change what they see as not working.  

jennahkross

@mamadeez thank you so much for your post! My son is almost 4 and I am realizing more than ever how much he absorbs and how my actions can really affect him! Can I ask at what age you started meditation with your dad?

KissMeImScottish

@mamadeez, while you are so right about attitude begetting attitude, and that the environment a child grows up in can very much affect their later outlook on life (fight or flight, as you point out), I would just like to take a moment to also point out that clinical anxiety should absolutely not be discounted and is a psychological condition. We don't downplay postpartum depression - anxiety can be the same type of monster, often controlled by hormones and chemical imbalances in the brain.

I had an idyllic childhood, I wanted for nothing, and still have the best support network I could possibly hope for, and yet, there are times when I'll find myself sitting in the living room after a perfectly normal day (bills are all paid, we don't have any bad debt, whole family is healthy, car is working, we have fun events to look forward to), and I feel waves of panic wash over me, like my brain is LOOKING for a reason to worry. I've learned over time, as I'm now 28 and this started when I was about 12, that my best way of dealing with it is to totally switch gears (housework has to stop completely, or I have to change TV shows, or I'll have to completely change the conversation topic, or even if I'm inside, I have to go outside) because my brain almost needs a reset.

Even when I sincerely have nothing to worry about, I still get these attacks, and it's not in my head or a product of my environment or even a response to stress (I hate that word in women's health, for the record - I feel like far too many ailments are blamed by doctors on a woman being "stressed"). My brain is simply being flooded by too many chemicals and is initiating the fight or flight response, which results in panic. I have learned to control it, and children who inherit anxiety disorders can be taught to control it as well (as I intend to do from the moment I notice the signs in my children if it rears its ugly head in them), but I just feel it's important to note that it is not always a learned behavior. Sometimes, it is very much a real condition that deserves recognition - it helped me tremendously when people stopped telling me "it was all in my head" or that it was just because "I was stressed" because most of the time, I wasn't stressed, damnit! (Excuse the language, but that was my strong feeling). Anxiety can be very real. And that deserves to be acknowledged.

mamadeez

@jennahkross I remember doing breathing exercises with him from as early as 9. I believe it started earlier though.

@ktewart thank you for bringing that up. It's not something I chose to address or look into in my own journey, but it should definitely be acknowledged.

It's a real condition either way. And either way the most important thing you can do as a parent is be there. my mom had no clue how to talk to me about this stuff, our kids will at least have that advantage!

ahoneycutt12

My sister and I both have crazy social anxiety but my mother and father do not... I also don't remember having it when I was younger but as I got older it has gotten worse. I need personal space and if I feel surrounded my fight or flight kicks in and I will have a panic attack... my husband's are internal and not as bad but after I am done breastfeeding I think I may go on anxiety meds (my sister did and she feels so much better). She said she can still tell when it would stress her out but doesn't get the I'm going to have a panic attack feeling anymore which sounds fantastic lol. Hopefully baby girl won't get mommy's big ball of crazy. We were joking yesterday that my husband's family the women get crazier with each generation and mine we get a little more sane (my mother is a different kind of crazy lol) so she should even out :-P