Giving up on trying...bit of a rant and my farewell post on here

mrsbenjamindaniel

I have posted quite a few times on this board recently about opk questions. After taking a scheduled bloodwork lab by my midwife to check for early pregnancy (to try and combat a third m/c), I received a call that I tested negative and am definitely not pregnant. I'm so heartbroken and so so shocked, I just thought this would be the month, just like i always keep thinking. We have been trying for another baby since last January and I just don't know after having two back-to-back miscarriages that I can put myself through this anymore. My heart is so sad and I can't stop crying because I feel like I see babies everywhere and my sister-in-laws both have babies on the way due in a few months, along with most of my friends...I don't even want to go on any social media platforms anymore other than this one. I simply just can't take thinking about having another baby anymore or seeing another pregnancy announcement. The pressure to have another baby is just unreal. It's all I've done for a year is try for another baby and I just don't think I can try anymore. I've got both my sister-in-laws baby showers to plan and another friend nextdoor who has a new baby (she and I were due the same month with my first m/c and sadly enough I ended up m/c'ing a second time the day her new baby was born) and I just have to focus on emotionally just 'making it' when i'm around them. I grin and bear it...and it's awful.

Dammit this is the hardest thing I've ever done. With my son, he was an accident and came so easy, no problems or complications and I feel so horrible because the whole pregnancy i didn't understand what a gift he was. I understand how big of a gift he is even more so now. If i have more children one day, wonderful. But I just can't keep getting my hopes up every month like this and getting crushed by miscarriages and negative tests. It's the most difficult thing. I feel like a failure as a woman but I know that's not true but it's still the hardest thing to go through this emotional rollercoaster of trying while everyone around you is popping out babies no problem left and right.

So, farewell everyone on this board, I have given up trying to try and if it happens it happens but i just can't try or stress over it again. If you have any advice on how to try not to try and not focus on having another baby anymore, that'd be lovely to hear as I just don't know how to do that after a year of trying, complications and back-to-back miscarriages. 

cjs260

@mrsbenjamindaniel I'm so sorry to hear this I don't have any specific advice for you, but I'm here to tell you I'm here with you. I go through feeling like this about every other day, and I will say that some days you might feel like trying and other days it'll be the last thing you want to do. Just take it hour by hour. You are IN NO WAY a failure of a woman. 

I completely understand about the pregnant friends thing. I'm over 2 months out from my loss, and I can barely get out of my house for fear of pregnant women and babies. I long for the day I can go out to Target and not end the trip crying onto my steering wheel. I've been trying the "fake it 'til you make it", too - sometimes it works and sometimes I fail miserably. Something else that does help me is making up tragic back stories for the women who I see in my daily life that are pregnant - it's a kinda morbid thing to do, and I know it's not true...but it helps me deal with it better. 

What we've all been through is so hard. I often find myself mourning the loss of my innocence - in the way that I will never be able to be so carelessly joyful if I ever get KU again. We'll make it though. We ladies are some tough cookies. Keep your head up, and I'll listen to a venting session if you ever need it. 

PeggyOlsonFTW

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. If you've been trying for a year with no luck, it might be time to schedule an appointment with an RE.

mrsbenjamindaniel

@PeggyOlsonFTW and @cjs260  thank you for your kind words and support. I have actually already been tested for all the standard stuff they have you take when you've had 2-3 miscarriages and nothing is wrong, hubby and I are normal for everything, which is a blessing. Just going to try not to try for now and try and get through this tough season of life

catiecatp

@mrsbenjamindaniel - I don't have anything to recommend, but I want to offer my support and internet hugs. 

PeggyOlsonFTW

Again, I'm sorry to hear that @mrsbenjamindaniel I highly recommend looking into some kind of stress relief - be it exercise, acupuncture or whatever, it sounds like you could really benefit from it. Wishing you the best!

ETA: An RE might be able to prescribe you some kind of medication to help things out. If you haven't seen an RE yet (even though you've been tested by your OB), it's worth a shot.

mrsbenjamindaniel

thanks all again

queenklau

I am so sorry. I feel your frustration. As many of the PP, I feel that this process can be so draining. I also had 2 mmc last year, I also felt defeated. I hear you about taking some time off, I decided to unplug (mostly) from the social media world during the holidays including my pregnancy sites/apps. Maybe disconnecting from some of the sites that bring you anxiety/stress is the best option. You know what would be best for you. We will miss you and will be here if you want to check in at any point.

SuperKristy85

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You have to take care of yourself first! Good luck and I hope you're able to heal quickly.

valleric

I really am so sorry. I completely understand. It totally sucks. Take all the time you need for yourself!

mrsbenjamindaniel

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions, I don't plan on unplugging from the bump because the communities on here are people who just 'get it' and can be a sounding board aside from my hubby (to give him a break and to receive and give encouragement). 

Secretly, I am crossing my fingers that trying not to try ends up working out but if not, I'm taking this route for peace of mind, refreshment and rest for myself thank you all again

MissPrint1219

My heart breaks for you, but please know that we are all rooting for you, no matter what you choose to do! Sending lots of prayers & creepy internet hugs!

AL_TwinCities

I hope that taking a break is helpful for you. My husband and I have been trying since spring 2014 and after two losses I can completely understand that defeated, hopeless feeling. Hugs!

silentP

Big hugs to you at this time.

Kay6519

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you find peace and healing.