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Parenting
DH ANNOYED WHEN BABY CRIES
I POSTED THIS IN BLENDED FAMILIES TOO. I need help, so please read....
My DH gets very upset when our baby cries bc it bothers / annoys him and SS. He has told me that the crying is a problem for him and an even bigger problem when my SS is with us. When I say that babies cry and we all need to deal / adjust, he gets mad and says I'm dismissing his feelings. When my SS is with us, my DH will bring the baby into the basement if he cries so that my SS doesn't hear it / wake up from it. While in the basement he doesn't do anything to soothe / comfort the baby. He will just sit there until I go down there to take the baby so that I can attend to him. My DH just tells him to stop crying...."enough!," "stop crying / whining!," "you've got to stop!," etc. If the baby needs a diaper change in the night, my DH expects me to bring the baby downstairs instead of his room so that, again, the crying doesn't disturb my SS. I suffered some trauma to my back during delivery, so originally and even now sometimes, it is difficult for me to go up and down the stairs. At one point, my DH told me he didn't want me using the rocking chair in the baby's room when my SS is with us. I told him it can be difficult to rock the baby without it. He told me I was being selfish and not considering the needs of my SS. The baby is 8 months old and still sleeping in my room, in a bassinet, BUT sometime soon he will need to be moved into his own room, which is right next to my SS's room, so then what????
Here's an example of what I deal with: tonight I was putting a diaper on the baby and getting him ready to go upstairs to be nursed and go to sleep for the night. I had just finished taking his temperature prior to putting the diaper on, bc he's been sick with a temp of 103. DH asked if I wanted the thermometer and such upstairs. I said "only if you're ok with me taking his temperature up there in the middle of the night." I said this bc DH doesn't like when I bring the baby into his room in the night when my SS is with us. DH picked up the thermometer and such and then went upstairs. When I came upstairs I noticed that DH put the thermometer on my dresser. I told DH that when I had said what I did, that meant I'd be taking his temperature in his room. DH almost instantly showed signs of anger...facial expression, tone, raised tone, cursing. He asked me "why the f would you ask me if you could do it in his room!?!" He told me how rude and selfish he thought I was being. I said that I didn't ask, but rather said that if he was ok with it, then yes the items could go upstairs. He continued to curse and raise his voice. I asked him repeatedly to stop, but he told me "no!" The baby was on my bed when this was going on. I told Dh that he was talking to me in a rude and cruel way and it was scaring me, so to please stop. He continued to talk in a raised tone and was cursing at me. He said something like "stop with the f'in you're scared bs!" He was in my face when he said that. I took a step back to gain a little space (couldn't move much more bc I was standing between my dresser and bed) and again told him that he was scaring me. He got in my face again and said something like "f that! We're done!" He then left the room.
HELP!!
My DH gets very upset when our baby cries bc it bothers / annoys him and SS. He has told me that the crying is a problem for him and an even bigger problem when my SS is with us. When I say that babies cry and we all need to deal / adjust, he gets mad and says I'm dismissing his feelings. When my SS is with us, my DH will bring the baby into the basement if he cries so that my SS doesn't hear it / wake up from it. While in the basement he doesn't do anything to soothe / comfort the baby. He will just sit there until I go down there to take the baby so that I can attend to him. My DH just tells him to stop crying...."enough!," "stop crying / whining!," "you've got to stop!," etc. If the baby needs a diaper change in the night, my DH expects me to bring the baby downstairs instead of his room so that, again, the crying doesn't disturb my SS. I suffered some trauma to my back during delivery, so originally and even now sometimes, it is difficult for me to go up and down the stairs. At one point, my DH told me he didn't want me using the rocking chair in the baby's room when my SS is with us. I told him it can be difficult to rock the baby without it. He told me I was being selfish and not considering the needs of my SS. The baby is 8 months old and still sleeping in my room, in a bassinet, BUT sometime soon he will need to be moved into his own room, which is right next to my SS's room, so then what????
Here's an example of what I deal with: tonight I was putting a diaper on the baby and getting him ready to go upstairs to be nursed and go to sleep for the night. I had just finished taking his temperature prior to putting the diaper on, bc he's been sick with a temp of 103. DH asked if I wanted the thermometer and such upstairs. I said "only if you're ok with me taking his temperature up there in the middle of the night." I said this bc DH doesn't like when I bring the baby into his room in the night when my SS is with us. DH picked up the thermometer and such and then went upstairs. When I came upstairs I noticed that DH put the thermometer on my dresser. I told DH that when I had said what I did, that meant I'd be taking his temperature in his room. DH almost instantly showed signs of anger...facial expression, tone, raised tone, cursing. He asked me "why the f would you ask me if you could do it in his room!?!" He told me how rude and selfish he thought I was being. I said that I didn't ask, but rather said that if he was ok with it, then yes the items could go upstairs. He continued to curse and raise his voice. I asked him repeatedly to stop, but he told me "no!" The baby was on my bed when this was going on. I told Dh that he was talking to me in a rude and cruel way and it was scaring me, so to please stop. He continued to talk in a raised tone and was cursing at me. He said something like "stop with the f'in you're scared bs!" He was in my face when he said that. I took a step back to gain a little space (couldn't move much more bc I was standing between my dresser and bed) and again told him that he was scaring me. He got in my face again and said something like "f that! We're done!" He then left the room.
HELP!!
Re: DH ANNOYED WHEN BABY CRIES
Also, you seem so worried that he'll get parental rights. First he would have to WANT parental rights and pursue obtaining parental rights. If he can't even deal with the baby crying while you're caring for him, how the hell is he going to deal with caring for him alone. Sadly, he probably won't.
As the daughter of a father who did nothing but scream at me and my mother until the day i moved out of the house in my twenty's (and still tried after i moved out), I am urging you to please try and get your baby into a better scenario ASAP. I know you are trying, but you cannot be in fear of your husband otherwise you will not be able to get out of this situation. If you are interested to hear from me how that effected me growing up and now as an adult, i am more than happy to share that with you. It is a form of abuse.
Marriage counseling is wonderful, but have you spoken to your counselor alone and expressed your concerns? Is it possible at all to set up some kind of camera and get him on tape? Or just the turn the record on your phone as soon as he starts up even just to get the audio. Maybe that will be enough evidence to move it away from being he said she said because it can be watched and analyzed that he is verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive.
Also is it possible for you and the baby to sort of 'move' into the basement, so you are both sleeping down there? How can he really argue with you doing that if he sends you downstairs anyway. I doubt its an ideal scenario but atleast you can give your baby the love and attention he needs with out the screaming.
I think it definitely needs to be addressed with him why SS is so much more important to him than DS but maybe you arent the one to be doing that. It doesnt sound from this post like hes bonding with DS at all...