I POSTED THIS IN BLENDED FAMILIES TOO. I need help, so please read....

My DH gets very upset when our baby cries bc it bothers / annoys him and SS. He has told me that the crying is a problem for him and an even bigger problem when my SS is with us. When I say that babies cry and we all need to deal / adjust, he gets mad and says I'm dismissing his feelings. When my SS is with us, my DH will bring the baby into the basement if he cries so that my SS doesn't hear it / wake up from it. While in the basement he doesn't do anything to soothe / comfort the baby. He will just sit there until I go down there to take the baby so that I can attend to him. My DH just tells him to stop crying...."enough!," "stop crying / whining!," "you've got to stop!," etc. If the baby needs a diaper change in the night, my DH expects me to bring the baby downstairs instead of his room so that, again, the crying doesn't disturb my SS. I suffered some trauma to my back during delivery, so originally and even now sometimes, it is difficult for me to go up and down the stairs. At one point, my DH told me he didn't want me using the rocking chair in the baby's room when my SS is with us. I told him it can be difficult to rock the baby without it. He told me I was being selfish and not considering the needs of my SS. The baby is 8 months old and still sleeping in my room, in a bassinet, BUT sometime soon he will need to be moved into his own room, which is right next to my SS's room, so then what????
Here's an example of what I deal with: tonight I was putting a diaper on the baby and getting him ready to go upstairs to be nursed and go to sleep for the night. I had just finished taking his temperature prior to putting the diaper on, bc he's been sick with a temp of 103. DH asked if I wanted the thermometer and such upstairs. I said "only if you're ok with me taking his temperature up there in the middle of the night." I said this bc DH doesn't like when I bring the baby into his room in the night when my SS is with us. DH picked up the thermometer and such and then went upstairs. When I came upstairs I noticed that DH put the thermometer on my dresser. I told DH that when I had said what I did, that meant I'd be taking his temperature in his room. DH almost instantly showed signs of anger...facial expression, tone, raised tone, cursing. He asked me "why the f would you ask me if you could do it in his room!?!" He told me how rude and selfish he thought I was being. I said that I didn't ask, but rather said that if he was ok with it, then yes the items could go upstairs. He continued to curse and raise his voice. I asked him repeatedly to stop, but he told me "no!" The baby was on my bed when this was going on. I told Dh that he was talking to me in a rude and cruel way and it was scaring me, so to please stop. He continued to talk in a raised tone and was cursing at me. He said something like "stop with the f'in you're scared bs!" He was in my face when he said that. I took a step back to gain a little space (couldn't move much more bc I was standing between my dresser and bed) and again told him that he was scaring me. He got in my face again and said something like "f that! We're done!" He then left the room.



  • I've shared this article w him in the past. He became very defensive
  • This whole post scares me and I'm bot sure where to begin. I don't know your whole situation so I don't want to make too many assumptions but it sounds like your husband is the one being selfish, not you. Babies cry and expecting you to go to the basement if it is not best for you and baby is ridiculous. Yelling, cussing, and getting in your face is definitely not okay. From this post alone I would suggest some type of counseling before things escalate to another more scary level.
  • Loading the player...
  • Is there somewhere safe you can go? If so, run. If not, can you find a shelter close by? You and your baby's safety are priority #1.
  • Is there somewhere safe you can go? If so, run. If not, can you find a shelter close by? You and your baby's safety are priority #1.

    I agree. He shouldn't be shouting at you and getting in your face. Expecially in front of the baby. Please find another place to stay.
  • I'm in counseling. We are in marriage counseling. I've talked w an attorney about divorce, but how can I possibly get divorced and face having to leave the baby with my DH? 
  • Have you suggested to your marriage counselor that he maybe has PPD.  I have heard of men getting it and needing treatment as well.  If you can swing it maybe spend a week away with family or friends somewhere or even a few nights in a hotel.  That can help you gather your thoughts and also show him what his future very well could be without you and the baby.  I hope you find some solution because your situation sounds awful.  I have struggled with my husband since DS was born 14 weeks ago but nothing to the extent of what you're going through.

  • meggymemeggyme member
    edited January 2016
    aln624 said:
    I'm in counseling. We are in marriage counseling. I've talked w an attorney about divorce, but how can I possibly get divorced and face having to leave the baby with my DH? 
    Why would the baby be left with your husband? He would have to seek parental rights and it doesn't seem like he's that interested in that. I second you taking the baby and trying some separation for awhile. He might find he misses you AND the baby and change his attitude. Or maybe not having the baby there all the time will eventually make him a better father.

    ETA: to finish my post, and apparently QBF. The Bump app is failing me right now.
    DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
  • It's my house, so I wouldn't leave and if I suggest he leave for a while that'll I'm sure make him upset. He will say how it shows I don't care about my stepson bc if I did I wouldn't displace him. I can't win
  • Also, even if I did want to leave my house, i very highly doubt he'd let me take the baby w me. 
  • This is showing to be a very abusive situation. This level of manipukative and controlling behavior is NOT ok. I suggest you speak to a friend or family member and do what you can to get out. Making it miserable for you at home and not allowing you to feel like you can leave is not a healthy relationship.
    DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
  • He'd let me leave, but he wouldn't let me take the baby with me. I have no plan of leaving anyway since it's my house. I want him to go, but I also don't want things to get any worse. I feel stuck 
  • You are in abusive marriage and he is obviously using your step son as a scape goat.  Talk to an attorney about your options because I don't think your husband has a say on whether or not  you can keep the baby at your own home. 
  • I did talk w an attorney and was told bc he has shared custody w his ex, most likely a judge would grant him shared custody of the baby too
  • I did and the attorney suggested a few things but said I'd have a hard time limiting contact since he has shared custody already w his son
  • None of this is ok. You need to start documenting his abusive behavior. Text messages, emails, whatever you can. The court is not going to grant custody to someone with a history of abuse. You have to be proactive to protect yourself and your baby. Good luck, you will be in my thoughts.
  • I do keep a log of the things he does, but the attorney said it might not matter, bc it's a case of he said / she said.
  • Could you talk to another lawyer  and get their opinion ?
  • Set up hidden video cameras.  Change all of the locks in the house.  File for a restraining order.  File for divorce.

    I wouldn't bother with counseling, not in his current state. He has issues that he needs to work on BEFORE he can live under the same roof as you and your baby.  

    I'd run, not walk, away from him. 
    All this. There are ways to get him out of your life/house, but if you worry for your safety and the safety of your child, leave the house (even if it's yours). There has to be some point in your day when he isn't home that you could leave with your child.

    Also, you seem so worried that he'll get parental rights. First he would have to WANT parental rights and pursue obtaining parental rights. If he can't even deal with the baby crying while you're caring for him, how the hell is he going to deal with caring for him alone. Sadly, he probably won't.
    DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
  • I talked w another attorney and was advised to document everything that occurs, call the police when needed and to try to get him to acknowledge in writing (text / email) what he did...."sorry I was yelling and cursing at you last night."
  • I think he'd fight for custody just to hurt me
  • I'm so sorry. My heart is racing and in my throat just reading all of this. I hate that you feel that he wouldn't "let you take the baby" if you left. It is your child. This is not his decision and clearly not safe for you or the baby, emotionally mentally and physically. Do you have family or friends who can help you get out of this?? I agree definitely document every single thing that happens, even what you think is small. The fact that he sends you and baby to the basement and reprimands the baby for crying is unsafe and abusive and needs to be documented. Is he ever alone with the baby? I hope to god not as it sounds like he would be neglectful. Please have an emergency exit strategy. I'm so concerned for you both ...please keep us updated on here if you can ❤️. Don't feel stuck, it'll be an impossibility hard road ahead but worth it for you and your child to live a healthy happy life together!!!
  • Our basement is finished and very nice, but the heat isn't usually on bc we don't go down there often. I don't like that he brings the baby down there bc it's cold 
  • The 1st attorney I spoke w thinks that my DH will get shared custody. The thought of the baby being with him alone for an hour is scary let alone all day and overnight
  • I am so sorry you are going through this.

    As the daughter of a father who did nothing but scream at me and my mother until the day i moved out of the house in my twenty's (and still tried after i moved out), I am urging you to please try and get your baby into a better scenario ASAP. I know you are trying, but you cannot be in fear of your husband otherwise you will not be able to get out of this situation. If you are interested to hear from me how that effected me growing up and now as an adult, i am more than happy to share that with you. It is a form of abuse.

    Marriage counseling is wonderful, but have you spoken to your counselor alone and expressed your concerns? Is it possible at all to set up some kind of camera and get him on tape? Or just the turn the record on your phone as soon as he starts up even just to get the audio. Maybe that will be enough evidence to move it away from being he said she said because it can be watched and analyzed that he is verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive.

    Also is it possible for you and the baby to sort of 'move' into the basement, so you are both sleeping down there? How can he really argue with you doing that if he sends you downstairs anyway. I doubt its an ideal scenario but atleast you can give your baby the love and attention he needs with out the screaming. 

    I think it definitely needs to be addressed with him why SS is so much more important to him than DS but maybe you arent the one to be doing that. It doesnt sound from this post like hes bonding with DS at all...
  • NickiochNickioch member
    edited February 2016
    Update @aln624 ?? How are you doing?
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards