Does This Make Me a Mean Person?

Knottie1450304223

Long story short, I am stuck babysitting my fiancé's 6 year old daughter every other weekend and I'm done. He got a new job last month that requires he works weekends, all weekend every weekend. So while he's at work I'm stuck babysitting and caring for his child. His custody with the BM is off the books so essentially it can be changed any time. I don't think I should be caring for this kid all day both days he's got her. There's no time for them to bond since I'm the one who's up well before 7 both weekend days caring and cooking and taking care of his child. I can't get any online class work done nor any work for my job done because this child is wanting my attention 24/7 and won't leave me alone. How can I let my fiancé know I am done with this arrangement without sounding b*tchy? I'm 8 weeks pregnant and all this stress the kid and BM put on me can't be good:(

tigerfish227

You do realize that you are about to be not only a mother but also a step mother, right? Do you think that by marrying your SO that somehow that doesn't include his daughter? What if your fiance had full custody instead? I suggest you start thinking like a parent and realize that this little girl is going to be a major part of your life. You are not her babysitter. You may not be her BM but by marrying her dad you become a parent to her too. Not only that but you are soon going to have another little one that you won't be able to "give back" to their BM since you are the BM. That baby is going to need your attention 24/7. That's what being a parent is.

mom2adoodle

Well, I think you're probably going through a lot of moodiness due to being pregnant but it sounds like you need to talk to your fiance about your feelings. But, in my humble opinion, if I was engaged to a man who has a daughter I would know it's a tacit agreement to take care of their child. Sometimes even all the time, not half the time. My good friend has a step son and takes care of him like her own, full time, stay at home, mom and all with no resentment. I don't think these feelings you're having are towards your step daughter, but towards your fiance. Just tell him you're overwhelmed. 

lovelylauren86

If it were me I would try to take this time to bond with your soon to be step daughter. But I would bring up maybe switching the days she's there for when your fiancé is off work even if it is a school day. Little lady is a big part of your family and when she's there she should be treated like you will treat your little one when they arrive

Knottie1450304223

I wanted to add that she's only been in our life for a few months. BM didn't tell FI about her until last August:(

RedMar

Consider the child's feelings about this too as this must be a super adjustment finding out all of a sudden she has a daddy.

Is there a possibility that
custody could be arranged for when your fiancé is home and that way you both can bond with her before the new baby arrives? She's old enough to sense that you don't want her around/is a nuisance and you don't want to start things off on the wrong foot with her.

Coming from a broken home, it was clear my "stepdad" could give 2 shits about me and I always resented him for this.

Knottie1450304223

I would just prefer he have her here when he's here too so they can bond as well.

shae86

Whether she's been in your fiancé's life her whole life or just a few months, the fact remains that she is his daughter. They are a package deal, and marrying him WILL make you a parent to her. I understand being frustrated about his work schedule, and wanting him to spend time with her as well. But in the meantime, until you guys get it sorted out, I encourage you to try bonding with her.

I grew up with divorced parents, and my parents had a few boyfriends/girlfriends before they eventually remarried. I will never forget a girlfriend my dad had when I was 12. She took me places, spent quality time with me, and even bought me a gift to give to my mom for Mother's Day. She may have just been another girlfriend, but I truly felt like she loved me and that had a huge, positive impact on me.

Kids really do pick up on what adults are feeling. If you are annoyed having your stepdaughter around, she will know. The only thing you can change at this point is your attitude toward the situation. Love that little girl like your own.

mom2adoodle

I obviously know very little about the situation, only what you shared. But, again, it sounds like it's an issue with your fiancé. It can be that you're having trouble acclimating to the fact that he has a daughter, that he is somewhat "different" (already a dad) then when you got engaged. It's a tough situation and I think anyone would go through a bit of tumultuous feelings before finding their status quo and new normal. I highly recommend talking to him and being open and honest. Who cares if he thinks you're being mean, you need to talk through things like this, especially if it's making you resent his 6 year old. Like others have mentioned, the little girl is not as fault and is going through a tough time too. However, I know that it's hard to see other's feelings if we don't feel ours are being seen nor validated. Talk to your fiancé.

Thurstobertay

This isn't a babysitting arrangement, this child is about to become your step-daughter and you her step-parent. As someone who came from a mixed family, kids innately know when they're not wanted and it's very, very hurtful.

I have a 6 year old and he can be tons of fun, and quite frankly much less demanding work than he was when he was younger. When I have work to do from home, I give my son an "assignment" or "job" of his own: draw X, paint Y, illustrate a story, etc. Provide them with some materials and a prompt to get their imaginations going while working in close proximity. If she's more into play on a computer or device (and she's at a fantastic age to get her interested in technology regardless), Minecraft is amazing and rife with ideas. Build a castle, build a road, tame a horse, plant a garden, etc. etc. Whatever the activity may be, learning how to self-entertain in a supportive environment is an important skill for life and your step-daughter will benefit. 

618mom22boys

If you think "babysitting" your soon to be step daughter is hard just wait till you have a newborn you have to "babysit"!

izzetoot

Knottie1450304223 said:

Long story short, I am stuck babysitting my fiancé's 6 year old daughter every other weekend and I'm done. He got a new job last month that requires he works weekends, all weekend every weekend. So while he's at work I'm stuck babysitting and caring for his child. His custody with the BM is off the books so essentially it can be changed any time. I don't think I should be caring for this kid all day both days he's got her. There's no time for them to bond since I'm the one who's up well before 7 both weekend days caring and cooking and taking care of his child. I can't get any online class work done nor any work for my job done because this child is wanting my attention 24/7 and won't leave me alone. How can I let my fiancé know I am done with this arrangement without sounding b*tchy? I'm 8 weeks pregnant and all this stress the kid and BM put on me can't be good:(

QFP

Just wow.  Get it together, she's a child, you're an adult.  Act like one.  Oh, and as for getting up "well before 7"  and "all the stress" from "this kid"  well get used to that, its called being a parent.  

missteacherlady16

I just feel bad for your future step daughter if you truly view her as such an inconvenience. She's a human being and it isn't her fault that her parents aren't together.

Grow up, OP.

618mom22boys

Posts like these make me so thankfully that I have the husband I do!!  (not that I wasn't before)  We met when my first son was than 3 and for the past 13 years not only has my husband but his whole family has treated my son as biological my husbands.  I don't think I could be with someone who thought of my child as an inconvenience. 

ItsmeR30

**mega lurker**

But to answer your (title) question... yes.

noelani42

Aw man this makes me sad...poor kiddo- she sure didn't ask for any of this

Kimmy717

WOW. Im really kind of shocked at all of you people bashing this girl just for having feelings!! Just because this isnt how you feel doesnt give you free reign to say shes a bad person for feeling the way she feels.

@Knottie1450304223  , I dont think this makes you a mean person at all. I think this makes you a human being! I have a similar situation im going through, my SO has a DS13 who he has custody of every other weekend and let me tell you IT IS HARD to deal with. And im not saying this as in "i dont want to deal with him or spend time with him" thats not it at all. But when you have NEVER been in a situation like that you dont know how to react, much less how to feel until it is all happening. Yah, youre going to feel negative feelings and positive feelings. Thats just LIFE, and this is no exception. For you guys saying "just love them like they are your own" thats not possible. It may be possible after you develop a relationship later on down the road but you arent just going to feel that connection INSTANTLY, its just insane. You dont even feel that for a SO INSTANTLY, it is a relationship that takes time, bonding, and nurturing. NOT JUST OH HI IM SO's KID SO LOVE ME LIKE YOU WOULD IF I WAS YOURS. Not happening upon meeting them or soon after.
Im not trying to say anyone's opinion is "right or wrong" here but please dont crucify this person just because shes going through a hard time. everyone experiences things differently and thats the beauty of LIFE, we can all HELP and GUIDE people through with the experiences we have all had.

OP, if you want to speak about this in a PM i can talk about how ive felt and what ive done in my experience. I do think you need to definitely speak with your SO and discuss the situation and how you feel. Because right or wrong it is something you are feeling and it wont be fixed unless you express it. 

mom2adoodle

@Kimmy717 When did I bash her? Go ahead and read BOTH of my responses to her. That's not fair to say either. 

missteacherlady16

Kimmy717 said:

WOW. Im really kind of shocked at all of you people bashing this girl just for having feelings!! Just because this isnt how you feel doesnt give you free reign to say shes a bad person for feeling the way she feels.

@Knottie1450304223  , I dont think this makes you a mean person at all. I think this makes you a human being! I have a similar situation im going through, my SO has a DS13 who he has custody of every other weekend and let me tell you IT IS HARD to deal with. And im not saying this as in "i dont want to deal with him or spend time with him" thats not it at all. But when you have NEVER been in a situation like that you dont know how to react, much less how to feel until it is all happening. Yah, youre going to feel negative feelings and positive feelings. Thats just LIFE, and this is no exception. For you guys saying "just love them like they are your own" thats not possible. It may be possible after you develop a relationship later on down the road but you arent just going to feel that connection INSTANTLY, its just insane. You dont even feel that for a SO INSTANTLY, it is a relationship that takes time, bonding, and nurturing. NOT JUST OH HI IM SO's KID SO LOVE ME LIKE YOU WOULD IF I WAS YOURS. Not happening upon meeting them or soon after.
Im not trying to say anyone's opinion is "right or wrong" here but please dont crucify this person just because shes going through a hard time. everyone experiences things differently and thats the beauty of LIFE, we can all HELP and GUIDE people through with the experiences we have all had.

OP, if you want to speak about this in a PM i can talk about how ive felt and what ive done in my experience. I do think you need to definitely speak with your SO and discuss the situation and how you feel. Because right or wrong it is something you are feeling and it wont be fixed unless you express it. 

OP said she was done. Nothing about her post hinted that she even remotely wants or desires to have a relationship with her soon to be step-daughter.

OBMommy

Wow. I agree with the rest of these ladies. Grow up and realize that you are essentially a parent to this little girl or gracefully bow out of the situation. I have a friend who had a similar situation and the little girl was six. The poor little girl was much more comfortable around her stepmom than she was her dad for quite some time. Maybe you should help give her a family and promote bonding instead of getting on here and griping about it.

mommygrams0730

Kimmy717 said:

WOW. Im really kind of shocked at all of you people bashing this girl just for having feelings!! Just because this isnt how you feel doesnt give you free reign to say shes a bad person for feeling the way she feels.

@Knottie1450304223  , I dont think this makes you a mean person at all. I think this makes you a human being! I have a similar situation im going through, my SO has a DS13 who he has custody of every other weekend and let me tell you IT IS HARD to deal with. And im not saying this as in "i dont want to deal with him or spend time with him" thats not it at all. But when you have NEVER been in a situation like that you dont know how to react, much less how to feel until it is all happening. Yah, youre going to feel negative feelings and positive feelings. Thats just LIFE, and this is no exception. For you guys saying "just love them like they are your own" thats not possible. It may be possible after you develop a relationship later on down the road but you arent just going to feel that connection INSTANTLY, its just insane. You dont even feel that for a SO INSTANTLY, it is a relationship that takes time, bonding, and nurturing. NOT JUST OH HI IM SO's KID SO LOVE ME LIKE YOU WOULD IF I WAS YOURS. Not happening upon meeting them or soon after.
Im not trying to say anyone's opinion is "right or wrong" here but please dont crucify this person just because shes going through a hard time. everyone experiences things differently and thats the beauty of LIFE, we can all HELP and GUIDE people through with the experiences we have all had.

OP, if you want to speak about this in a PM i can talk about how ive felt and what ive done in my experience. I do think you need to definitely speak with your SO and discuss the situation and how you feel. Because right or wrong it is something you are feeling and it wont be fixed unless you express it. 

I don't care how hard it is for you, you're the adult. You suck it up and put the child first. You think it's hard for you, they are children all they want is love and acceptance. whether 6 or 13 most times they don't even have a choice in the matter. I'm so incredibly sad for these step children. Kids are so smart, I'm sure they already know and can feel what kind of vibe you're putting out. I'm sure it's not ideal, not in your plan, but how can you not love a child?

OP my heart breaks for your 6 year old "step daughter" she deserves so much more than her dads SO who merely thinks of her as someone she baby-sits.

kmullins26

I have a step daughter myself and I think it's extremely important for her confidence and self worth to feel like she is 100% your child too. I don't ever refer to mine as step in front of her. Her mother is in the picture and she a has a relationship with her that obviously can never be replaced but she also has a relationship with me that can never be replaced. They may not have come from our womb but they are very much a part of your family too. You don't ever want her to feel that she isn't just as important as your own. You don't ever want her to feel like an outsider. I do think you are right she needs time with her daddy too and the time should be changed so that he can build his relationship. However, you may want to change the way you talk about her. I get that it's really difficult. A relationship takes time to build and love needs time to grow, just remember what harm you may be doing to her, by holding yourself back. I'm here to talk about it if you need! I have definitely been through the ringer on this one as well.

lionstigersbears

Lurker. OP, I'm sure your gloves are off right now and you're misdirecting some anger/frustration at this innocent little girl...but try this: Imagine that she heard you say all of your original post. Think of the gut wrenching feeling you'd have in your heart. Now...realize she probably already feels it. And do better.

Blairbear28

I am happy my stepmom didn't consider me a burden. Do try and remember this is your future child's sibling and also your fiancé's child.

bettertogether27

lionstigersbears said:

Lurker. OP, I'm sure your gloves are off right now and you're misdirecting some anger/frustration at this innocent little girl...but try this: Imagine that she heard you say all of your original post. Think of the gut wrenching feeling you'd have in your heart. Now...realize she probably already feels it. And do better.

This.

It's human to feel frustration, but as adults we have the skills to work through our "initial reaction" thoughts and make good decisions. As pp have said, when BM surprised your DF with this little girl, she became yours too. Your daughter didn't ask for this either.

Thscary

I think that if the custody arrangement now is such that your fiancé isn't home at all when his daughter is there, then something should change so that he gets to spend time with her. I would ask him if there is anyway to change the agreement so that he gets her when he has more time to share with her. You can also let him know you need a little more help when she is around so you can complete your class work on time.

But, like some other posters have mentioned,you will soon be her stepmom and she probably already sees you as a mother figure, so please be accepting of her. It is not her fault she is in this situation.

AnnaS930

I'm stuck on what other posters are saying, in that as a future wife to this child's father you are not a babysitter - similar to the fact that when you need to get out of the house after baby arrives your fiance/husband won't be "babysitting" either.  He should be home with the little one - maybe the arrangement should be altered if he got  a new job, but you need to seriously consider if this is the right family for you to be a part of.

ratchell26

@Knottie1450304223 , according to your other posts, you are depressed, stressed about work, completely exhausted, and sick. You are human and it sounds like everything that's happening is little too overwhelming for you. Hopefully you are back on track with your medications. That should help with the depression and all the unpleasant feelings that come with it. You posted that this was an unexpected pregnancy and you're having a hard time even caring about the baby. It's the depression. Hang in there. Everyone else, we can't post our whole life story when we come here to vent or seek support. There is always more to the story.

Bringmemylongswordho

I'm concerned that your FI hasn't secured a legal custody agreement. Is he okay with the possibility of BM dropping off the face of the earth and taking his daughter with him? If BM dies, what happens to the daughter? I'd be very concerned if my partner wasn’t securing his parental rights to his child.

And if you are fighting depression, please keep taking any medication you were prescribed and talk to a professional.

Kimmy717

@mom2adoodle I never said any names in my post. I just felt that was the general vibe of the thread.

And honestly sitting here sick at home from work reading this thread again made me bust out crying. Im not writing this to get attetion because thats not who i am but i believe everyones lives are different and everyones opinions are different. Im sorry my feelings are "unpopular" to most of you, and understand this is a hot button topic for a lot of people. But all i am saying is i agree to disagree and thats it.

MSUgrad12

**lurking from Aug 16**

It must be really difficult to feel this way and a lot of the PP have valid points, but I just want to address the school situation. I'm in college and recognize the demands of your education, but it's concerning that you only have his daughter on the weekends and are saying you are struggling to complete your school work. It's important to consider what the PPs stated about a 6 year old having the ability to keep herself occupied while a newborn is going to be a lot more demanding. You have a lot of emotions right now, but it may be a good idea for you to begin evaluating your responsibilities and how these will be balanced with a newborn. I know you're still early in your pregnancy, I'm just a planner and feel better when I have a clear plan or idea of how I will balance everything.

jennlynn777

This post makes me ill