Dealing with pregnant friends after loss — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

Dealing with pregnant friends after loss

So my husband and I have been TTC for 3+ years, after getting pregnant we experienced our loss at our first checkup. The baby stopped growing 1 week prior to our visit. We had told our closest friends and family that we were expecting as soon as we got the positive pregnancy test.(too soon, I know this now).
About 1 week after I lost the baby, our best friends announced their pregnancy.(also their first).They had been trying for maybe 3 months.
I know I should be happy for them, but every time we hang out together, she always points out the fact that she's pregnant/expecting.(talking about symptoms, asking for my advice, etc.)
It feels as though she's rubbing it in our faces because I don't cry or talk about the loss in front of them or show my grief. I would be about 20-21 weeks right now and she's at 14 weeks.
We feel jealous, angry, frustrated, devastated that she's still pregnant and I'm not.
How can I let her know how she's making me/us feel?

Re: Dealing with pregnant friends after loss

  • This is tough @1stMommaD915 - I don't have any recommendations on how to broach the subject, but offer you some creepy internet hugs.

    ---TW BFP and MC mentioned - scroll down past the Lilo and Stitch gif to avoid ---

    Me: 33 & DH: 33
    Married: 07/2006
    TTC: 10/2015
    BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
    BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017

    Pregnancy Ticker

  • Sorry you are going through this. I think I'd send a note/email/text and just let her know where you're at. I'm assuming she knows about your loss? Sometimes we just have to step away from people in our lives who don't make us feel good, it's self preservation in my book. Maybe in the future this won't hurt as much, but right now it does, so that's it. I think just saying something like, "I'm going through a really tough time right now and need to take a step back from our friendship, it's just too hard for me". I have a friend who has had multiple miscarriages and has been trying since before my DS was born almost 2 years ago. She has only seen him in a public place, and never held him. It's just too hard and I know that. She always sends gifts, cards and sent me a note after my miscarriage. No hard feelings here. We're all doing the best we can. 
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  • I can relate. I have a friend who has my old due date and will send me baby-related texts from time to time. For other reasons, I've been trying to take a step back from our relationship, but this is certainly hurrying the process. I agree that you may just need to be honest about what you are feeling when you are around her. Any woman who is pregnant should understand the devastation caused by a loss. I would be honest about your feelings.
  • megsbrockmegsbrock member
    edited January 2016
    It is so tough. My brother and his wife got pregnant first month they were married (perhaps 2nd month of trying) and are having a perfectly healthy pregnancy. I am thrilled to be having a nephew in May and for my parents to finally become grandparents after all the heartache they've been through with me. But...
    She's made a few rather insensitive comments to me (she's well aware of my losses and she is a nurse) and I wonder how she as a pregnant woman could say such things, but it's just proof that only going through this process do you gain any perspective whatsoever. That cycle will only be broken if pregnancy loss isn't such a hush hush topic, but that's a rant for another day...!
    My only advice is to try and give yourself a break and let yourself have space from these people whenever you need it. Only worry about your own feelings; you have too much going on to worry about anyone else's. They will be fine, and if they matter then they'll understand in the long run. It's hard to make this shift if you are a social person or a people pleaser, like me, but I'm starting to learn that I have to protect my own heart because no body else will! I only see them or talk to them when needed, like at family get togethers and stuff. I love my brother and I know someday we will all be on the other side of this awkward time. But for now it's just the way things need to be.
    H and I both 30
    TTC #1 started Aug 2014
    BFP Apr 3 2015
    natural M/C April 20 2015 @ 6w6d
    BFP Nov 18 2015
    natural M/C Nov 23 2015 @ 5w4d.

  • I would be honest with your friend, and just let her know that although you are happy for them,you're still sad for you and you're still working through those difficult emotions.
    My best friend found out she was pregnant one day before I miscarried. She got pregnant after one fluke time of having sex and my husband and I had been trying for 6 months. She gets to continue on and I'm still working out how to be excited for her but also very jealous. She has been very understanding and I've been very honest with her - seeing her reminds me of my loss and her future child will always remind me of what could have been because we would have been due around the same time. She has been very patient and it's really helped our friendship and my healing.
  • @1stMommaD915 I recently went through the same thing. My best friend just told me she is pregnant and her due date is two weeks after mine would have been. Although it took them a year to get pregnant, I still wasn't initially truly happy for her and her husband. My husband and I felt the exact same way you and your husband do. The ladies on here definitely helped me through this one! I found talking to my friend and telling her that my husband and I are truly excited for them, and are still trying to process and cope with our own emotions and loss. My friend was very receptive and didn't even realize what she was doing and things have been a lot better now. I'm not saying it's guaranteed to work for everyone, but I find that being honest, especially after everything that's happened, has helped make things a little easier for me. All the best to you!
  • @1stMommaD915 I am so sorry for your loss. I have found that for me the hardest people to be around are 1st time pregnant moms. They are really excited for themselves which isn't a bad thing but they are so excited for themselves that they can be really oblivious and insensitive to other moms who are hurting.
    I gave birth to my baby girl Dec 21 2015 at 33+4 weeks and she passed away 30 minutes later. My due date is actually tomorrow and 3 of my closest friends are pregnant and she either this month or next month. 2 of them are more understanding than the other and I've had to distance myself from the one who isn't. I did talk to her about it and she still doesn't seemed to understand.
    I'm sure if your best friends knew they were hurting you they would feel bad. If it were me I would kindly say, "I'm so happy for you guys and I don't want you to think I don't care about you or the life of your baby, but I need you to know that I am grieving the loss of our baby and sometimes it is hard for me to talk so much about your pregnancy. I hope this doesn't hurt you because that is not the intent at all, but because we're friends I needed to tell you that I'm hurting and need support as well." 

    If you have already talked to them by now I hope things are better. I am thinking of you sweetie.
  • Kbalas1018Kbalas1018 member
    edited February 2016
    I wanted to say that even though I mentioned first time moms being hard to be around, I consider myself one :)
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