How do you not be an a-hole?

PerraSucia

I'm really struggling with being around other people right now. Pregnant people bitching about how ugly maternity clothes are. Someone I know seriously complained about how uncomfortable hospital beds for the night she gives birth. I'm so sad that I basically have to stay off all my social media outlets to not be a bitter ass. What am I going to do to distract myself all day?!

AandDM2014

Haha! I totally agree with you!!! At the beginning of December DH and I were out at dinner and I had to listen to someone complain about when they have to buy maternity clothes. I almost strangled her. Its tough to not feel resentful towards people. I try to think about when/if it's my turn, I will not ever complain about anything related to being pregnant. I will be so thankful for morning sickness, stretch marks and feeling huge because it'll mean I have a baby growing in me. Not sure what you can do to distract yourself, maybe try some soothing music or mindful breathing?

halips

It's really REALLY hard sometimes! Lately I've just been walking away from conversations that include kids. It may come off a little rude, but much less damaging than saying the things I want to say. I also try to remind myself that this is currently their "struggle" and the world isn't politically correct 24/7.  I have issues getting pregnant, they have issues raising kids. It's stressful to them and they complain just like we do. God does it suck hearing it, but it's easier for me to walk away than to blow up at that time.

Counseling has really been a lifesaver for me. It's someone who is listening to me complain and sees the worst, nasty judgmental side of me and still has positive affirmations for me in the end. Just being able to share those a-hole stories, get them out to someone, makes me feel better even if they aren't directed at the people I want them to be.

Hang in there, I know it's hard, but so so worth it! Fx for you!!

PerraSucia

@AandDM2014 maybe it's just impossible not to bitch. Like we will all complain about having to pee a lot and how long it's been since we took a real shower one day too. Maybe just to a smaller audience.

@halips I imagine once I'm also hormonal on shots it's just going to get worse. I probably should find a counselor and maybe hang out on Pinterest home decorating boards or something instead of Instagram and Facebook.

twomommiestobe

I deactivated Facebook in November and have never been happier!!!

Just remember, they might not know you are struggling and they might not have had infertility issues. So they actually might not "know any better". I have finally learned that no matter how upset I am, they usually were just talking and not intentionally trying to hurt/upset me so I don't take it personal.

I do agree with the idea of counseling if it is too much to handle alone. I hope you feel better soon!

oxinfree

I personally try and keep the perspective that we are all ignorant in some shape or form about certain topics. We never know the challenges other people are facing (in our part of the world but also on a global scale), and in our culture people tend to only share the good. Someone could be complaining about maternity clothes while secretly struggling in their marriage, or their husband having lost their job. I know I took our job/financial security for granted until a few friends who lost their jobs distanced themselves from us and our success. I no longer have that feeling of security and thus my perspective on certain things has shifted...
I think we all have jealousies towards each other at different points in time. 
That's not to discount what you are feeling by any means, but sometimes when I think about that it helps me understand that's just the world through their lens currently, and it could change for them too one day. I try and be compassionate towards everyone regardless, but I have bad days and just let myself wallow when I need to haha. Sometimes I go on a shopping spree to feel better ...haha... so bad.

tvh1982

It's funny you posted this... I just saw a post on FB about 'grrrr 32+4...I am so done!'
And I thought 'duck you beach' (just less friendly) I wish I was 32+4! I am never going to complain! I will be so careful with what I say, how I say it...
But I might end up like saying something that stupid too, without thinking that someone might read it that is struggling.
It's a difficult time. Specially with social media as everything get shared.
Try not to take it personal, and when you do and you beach about it (are we allowed to swear on this forum?!?) than don't get mad/upset with yourself that you did. Coz the ones that matter will understand and the ones that don't, don't matter.

KLake42

On facebook, you can unfollow people without unfriending them.  And follow them again later, and they'll never know.  Just do it, for your own sanity.  (That's how I maintain a loving relationship with my uncle who is a rabid Trump supporter.)

But there's nothing wrong with being direct. "I get that this maternity clothes thing feels difficult for you, but I'm struggling with infertility, and your complaint makes me go to my rage place.  So consider leaning on a different friend for this one, okay?"

LizzieJ13

Oh I know the feeling! While it's not a perfect parallel, I remind myself how I also felt the same way about married people when I was single and now that I'm on the married side I'm sure I've annoyed my single friends! Again not a perfect comparison but it reminds me everyone has their own struggles and ultimately it's not good to get into the "who has it worse" game. But yeah... totally know what you're feeling. Coming to this forum also helps!

PerraSucia

@oxinfree & @twomommiestobe this is like how I aspire to be but it's a practice that needs a lot of work. A lot of work.

@tvh1982 you used to be able to swear but I think they took it away. Fuckers

I was telling a friend of mine about my issues and she told me she recently also had a chemical pregnancy and then was like "well ee are both getting older". I'm fucking 34. Maybe it's too fresh to not be annoyed.

@KLake42 I basically have to unfollow everyone. Also I realize that when someone posts something it isn't a direct eff you to me but

PerraSucia

susykat77

**mc mentioned**

I can soooooo relate right now. I did not use to be so sensitive but after my recent miscarriage I am a hot mess! What I need to try and figure out is how to communicate to friends who are pregnant that I need a little space. Or figure out how to be around them and not feel like I might have an anxiety attach and cry. I have no advice. I'm only here to commiserate.

kaityh1

I've definitely been struggling with this a lot lately!  My SIL just told my husband and I last night that they are expecting and how they "weren't even trying!" I think the most frustrating part is that they've been living with us for the past 4-5 months (they're trying to buy a house) and have seen the emotional roller coaster that DH and I have been going through but yet they still broke the news this way.  Oh well!  I just keep telling myself "it is what it is" and even though I am so happy for them, I'm allowed to be bummed for DH and I as long as I keep it to myself. 

RipleyLV426

*MC Mentioned*
@PerraSucia First off, you have an amazing sense of humor! Secondly, the other day I was walking through the mall with one of my best friends, pointing out the all of the pregnant women, all the while talking about how I wanted to punch every single one of them in their happy faces. It's just one of those things! you try so hard not so be a douche, and then someone does something innocent or on accident that just sets you off! I worked with a woman who knew I had a miscarriage, and in front of me she announced she was having twins! no warning or "hey you might not want to be here for this". Mind you, I had just had the miscarriage the month before. From then on she kept saying "We didn't want twins! So if you want one let me know LOLOLOLOL"  I wanted to strangle her when she said that...Even though she was a friend who I love DEARLY! Being filled with pissed off feelings while trying to be happy for people is the worst! 

PerraSucia

@RipleyLV426 maybe you could take one of their twins and sell it on the black market to pay for your own fertility stuff. Let them know you're for sure selling their baby for parts.

RipleyLV426

@PerraSucia Omg I love you! FINALLY someone who's as secretly disturbed as I am 

StephanieWalstrom

I love all these posts! Those who get pregnant through coitus have no damn clue how lucky they are!!!! I've dealt with it in a different way. I've been completely transparent with EVERYONE about this IVF process and how painful it's been. I post updates on my Facebook about it constantly and told people "if you don't like hearing about my ovaries, uterus, trials, and tribulations, feel free to delete me now"! I didn't even check to see if anyone did; nor do I fucking care. Since so many people suffer silently, the fertile world doesn't understand. I consider it my job to educate them. I've also considered writing a book about it!! Through sharing I found others who have gone through it and will someday hopefully be a resource to a few who never thought it would happen to them. I'm a teacher. Last year my EA found out I was trying to conceive and got "possible pregnancy envy" and seduced her hubby (who wasn't ready) into having a 3rd child. She succeeded on the first try. I was cooped up with a not-so-compassionate preggo lady all year. This year, my student teacher heard I was doing IVF and tricked her "not ready for a baby husband" into knocking her up by forgoing a condom. Worked on the first try. It sucks! I'm so sick of spending 8 hours a day in a room with a pregnant woman and my students constantly asking questions and rubbing their bellies. It's very sad that the fertile world is ignorant to our hardships and I think if we are all a little more transparent about the grief and suffering we can change the world! In the meantime, I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one who wants to bitchslap preggo ladies who complain non-stop. I hope my cursing didn't offend anyone! Rock on ladies and good luck!!! Xoxoxo
I'm PUPO by the way! Prayers and good wishes needed!

PerraSucia

@StephanieWalstrom I have been pretty open with people who ask me questions that are really no ones business but man if it all works out this is our emoji announcement

(My husband is afghan so I use the turban guy even though afghan people don't wear turbans)

StephanieWalstrom

@perrasucia

That's great! Yeah, people just don't get it! Here's hoping you get to use those emojis soon!!!!

Minnie1155

Just have to say I relate, it's all so hard. I unfollow people on Facebook quite often, have found that to help with that piece. @PerraSucia I love the emoji announcement!!

tvh1982

@PerraSucia. That is so funny you use those emojis.
I've been sending them too (but only after a BFN, haven't gotten a BFP yet)

Oh @StephanieWalstrom, I love you joined. You're honesty is so refreshing. Of course I rather have met you in another group, but you make me smile.
Thank you!

Now I'm off to a bday party of a 12 year old, he's the only one planned of the 3 boys. Their mother likes to ask me when I decide to stop trying and loves to tell me about their friend (I met them, they exist) that they got pregnant by accident right after there second child with IVF.
So if I stop trying I definitely get pregnant. (Mind you I'm single, no IVF, means definitely not getting pregnant, unless I decide to go on tons of hormones before going out on town...and than call it a 'oops-I-got-pregnant-yes-I-took-hormones-to-get-an-oops')
It's that I love them boys, could do less seeing my friend right now.

Happy Sunday to you all.
Lots of babydust coming your way!

StephanieWalstrom

@tvh1982
Thank you! You made me smile big time! The feeling is so mutual!! How are you feeling. I'm 3dp5dt and woke up with some mild cramping twinges! I know I shouldn't symptom spot but it made me happy and hopeful! I received this message on my Facebook once (reminds me of your friend) "My friend couldn't get pregnant and went to Hilton Head on a trip and got preggo! Just go on vacation. It will happen!!!!!"
I had to explain the "science" behind our infertility and boy did she simmer. I also was told by my neighbor yesterday to fill out adoption papers and we will get preggo. Dear god, this is why I want to write a book. Although I bet the right people wouldn't read it!!! Have a great day!!!! Xoxox

tvh1982

Well what are we waiting for @StephanieWalstrom, book rooms at Hilton Head! Are fertility clinics just stealing our money...bet they knew Hilton would fix it!
A book would be awesome, the people who know what it is could buy it for the right people!

StephanieWalstrom

Ha! It's a beach trip, girlie! Of course a Hilton would be our cure!!!! Xoxoxoxo

PerraSucia

I want in on a beach trip. I will definitely get pregnant from sunshine and maitais.

Maybe a food baby.

laurenlindsey09

this post=my feelings exactly!  

I'm waiting on my Dr. office to call me today and I can't focus on ANYTHING ELSE!  So, naturally I'm here

StephanieWalstrom

@laurenlindsey09
This thread is a godsend! We are all on here all the time! Just wish we all lived in the same city! We should move closer to @tvh1982, pretty sure she's in the coolest part of the world!!

tvh1982

Or we just plan the beach trip @StephanieWalstrom! @PerraSucia is in too  

Hope they call with good news, I keep my FX for you @laurenlindsey09

KidShrink

Love this thread ladies! You may want to subtly share this article with them: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_doesnt_kill_you_makes_you_kinder

*bfp mentionned*
A friend of mine who is 38 weeks pregnant dared complaining about how she wishes things were easier because they are oh so really struggling at finding a name for their little girl. I replied that it's really not that big a deal and that if the only complicated thing in our 2 years journey to have a baby had been finding a name, I would have traded with her any day. That was the end of that conversation. For whatever reason, since I got my bfp, she feels like I should hop on the 'pregnant and complaining about it everyday' bandwagon. Instead, I make sure to diss her and remind her of all I've been through to get here every time she tries. The struggle with insensitive people never ends ladies...but we can take comfort in the fact that we have greater compassion because of what we're going through. It REALLY shows on this board (and this awesome thread), which you'll have trouble finding elsewhere on here.

laurenlindsey09

@KidShrink
THAT is exactly how I hope to be when my time to be pregnant comes!  I mean really, I've had more random medical devices inside my uterus than I ever care to think of and I've pretty much felt like poo for 2 years while on all kinds of icky meds.  I'm going to be so excited for nausea and bloating and decorating a nursery and picking a name!

mskeenan

@KidShrink that's awesome !! You go girl ! People don't realize how ridiculous they are being .

This weekend , a friend of mine that knows what I'm going through asked me what I wanted - a boy or a girl . I got really pissed off and replied "I would just like A BABY. And a healthy pregnancy " people make a big deal of stupid shit like gender and names and it really pisses me off .

blessedmama82

I know the feeling. I had some serious resentment towards my own sister when she got pregnant with #3. It's hard to be on social media watching everybody else so easily get the baby we all struggle and yearn for. Keep positive and hope that everything works out.

tvh1982

I got asked the same at lunch today @mskeenan and replied the same. 'A healthy baby would be nice'
Apparently that reply wasn't good enough, you must have a preference she pushed, come on which one is it.
So I ended up just picking a gender to end the conversation.

dragonfaerie

@StephanieWalstrom I'm glad you are writing and talking to people! We made that decision too and I am journaling daily about the journey.

Keep your chin up my dears! We'll get through this! And in the meantime, go buy cheap dishes and break them when people say stuff that makes you rage....

Faith, trust and baby dust!

StephanieWalstrom

@dragonfaerie
Thank you so much! I like the dishes smashing idea! Xo

kwolf002

I know I'm late to the party but this thread was exactly what I needed. I hate to go off social media Bc people were driving me crazy with announcements, gender parties, etc. good to see I'm not the only one. 

MR449

totally agree with everything!
I took myself off Facebook; started unfollowing people on Instagram and haven't looked back! Keeping sane and healthy is my number one priority and staying off social media is so helpful...
When I unfollowed a friend (really, a friend of a friend) on Instagram, I sent her a quick email letting her know I was removing her temporarily because she posts lots of baby pics and is hard for me to see because I'm dealing with infertility. She was super sweet and understanding and so encouraging - it was awesome!