Newbie TTC after natural MC - need advice

fmannino85

Hi ladies. I am new here but have been reading a lot of posts but have gone back and forth about posting, and not knowing the right words to say. Let me first start by saying how truly sorry I am for all your losses. It's a life changing experience. I think it's time for me to make some new friends, and hate that this is what we all have in common, but would appreciate advice from some new friends and women who know what it's like to go through a miscarriage.

Long story short, I started spotting on November 30th and had a miscarriage on December 1st (6 weeks, 3 days). I think I had my first AF on December 27th, but it was more spotting but to was red and only lasted 3-4 days. My normal cycle lasts 5 days and is heavier. If it was AF, I should be getting my next cycle next Sunday, Jan 24th. My husband and I TTC this month, and we are hoping for some good news. I was trying to be positive about it all, and thought I was doing a decent job, but last night my best friend and her husband (who is also best friends with my husband) told us and another couple that they are expecting and are due two weeks after I would have been. I don't know why, but this has been the biggest blow. I have heard people at work talking about pregnancies or their daughter's pregnancies, and I was able to handle it. I also went to a close friend's baby shower last weekend. Finding out that my best friend is pregnant makes me happy, but angry and hurt at the same time. I feel like such a terrible friend and person for feeling this way. What also hurts is when they told us, everyone reacted the same way they did when we told them we were pregnant and pretty much made the same jokes. Including one friend who said they should name the kid after him (Joseph). The worst part is both sets of friends KNOW if we had/have a son we would name him Joseph after my husband's uncle. My now pregnant friend also said that it was all so surreal, which is exactly what I said when we told them I was pregnant. I know we told them WAY too soon, but it was our first pregnancy and we were very excited and we consider them family. A couple weeks after my miscarriage my now pregnant friend interrogated me with questions like how long we were trying, if I got my period yet and if we were going to try again right away. I thought she was asking because she and her husband were having problems conceiving (it took them a year), so I told her if she needed to talk I'm still here for her. She ignored the comment, and now I know why. She found out she was pregnant the day I had the miscarriage. It just felt like another blow. Maybe I'm overreacting because my emotions have been so out of whack since the miscarriage. My now pregnant friend texted me earlier today saying she just wanted to check in because she knows how sensitive a subject it is and she and her husband weren't sure how to approach it with us. I haven't answered her because I don't know that to say, and me emotions are right back to being what they were when I first found out about my miscarriage. I feel and my husband feels that they should have told us separately from our other friends. I'm SO sorry for the long post, but thank you in advance for listening/reading my rant!

chloe97

@fmannino85 I'm so sorry for your loss. I also have a friend who is due the same time I was and I can't be around her at all right now. Luckily, she's a friend I've been wanting to phase out for a variety of unrelated reasons, but she's done some insensitive things like text me pictures of baby gifts she's gotten hinting it's a boy. I'm really hoping that by the time her baby comes, I will be well into my next pregnancy and feeling better about things, but until then, I'm giving myself permission to be distant.

I've found that some peoples pregnancy announcements make me happy and some make me angry and some make me bitter. It's tough to know how I'm going to feel at any given time. One of my best friends has had 5 losses and 1 healthy child told me that she's 6 weeks pregnant and feeling optimistic about this one. I'm both really happy for her and somewhat sad because my baby was supposed to be born first. I keep trying to remember what she's told me- your child will come to you at the exact right time. I know she's right, but it's very hard to see the big picture when you're mired down in hormones and sadness. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Just know that you aren't alone and you will get through this!!

fmannino85

@chloe97 I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. That's terrible that your friend is making matters worse. I know my friend is being malicious or trying to rub it in my face. And I'm sure it was hard for her to tell me, I just feel it could've been approached a different way. I've been told I will have a child at the right time, and that what I thought was my time isn't. I'm sure you can relate that it doesn't make things any easier. I am doing my best to take everything one day at a time. It's the best any of us can do. you will get through this as well! All the best and thank you for your kind words!

m6agua

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. My cousin announced her pregnancy during deer camp (which is when I was going to announce) and it was really hard. She was only 4 weeks behind me. I decided to seek help from a counselor about a month later because of that and some other things that kept triggering me. I found out my counselor is pregnant but that oddly didn't bother me at all.

You will find some announcements are harder than others. Maybe your friend should have been more sensitive in telling you but since it didn't go that way you will have to figure out a way through it. Maybe pull her aside sometime and let her know that you were hurt and what you are feeling. It is ok to feel the way you feel. Also I recommend a counselor to help you through your grief. I have had 3 sessions (I have never been before) and it has helped me tremendously.

On another note, how do you know your period is due 1/24? Are you temping? If not I strongly suggest it. Your first few cycles can be different after a MC.

Once again sorry that you are going through this. Time does heal, it does get better. Take care of yourself.

fmannino85

sorry typo, I know my friend ISN'T being malicious

MissPrint1219

@fmannino85, I am so sorry for your loss. What you are describing is absolutely normal. After my MCs, I had a really hard time with pregnant people, too. Several women at work got pregnant around the same time I did, including our closest friend couple, and watching them go on to have healthy babies sucked (not that I didn't want them to have healthy babies). The best advice I have is that it's totally okay to feel however you feel. The only way out of grief is through it and you have to give yourself the emotional freedom to work through it in your own way in your own time. Don't judge yourself too harshly, even when the thoughts get dark, and give yourself permission to remove yourself from triggers for as long as you need to heal.

fmannino85

@m6agua thank you for your advice! I have debated on seeing a counselor. I was thinking about saying something to my friend as well, but I also don't want to upset her or make her feel guilty or bad in anyway about her pregnancy when she shouldn't.

As for my supposed period being due 1/24, I'm basing it off of past experience, but I know it's not guaranteed. Part of me I guess is still in denial about what's happened and I just want some normalcy back in my life. I took ovulation tests after my supposed AF ended, and I got a positive for the LH surge on 1/11. I don't have any baseline information to go off of because I didn't track anything regarding BBT or ovulation before the miscarriage. My cycle was ALWAYS regular before the miscarriage, anywhere from 27-29 days. Everything is an uncertainty to me right now, whether I actually had my first cycle after the MC, if I'm actually going to have my next cycle in the next week or so, or if I'll get pregnant again. I'm not trying to be negative Nancy, it's just this whole announcement from my friend has just really set me back and I hate that. I have no ill will toward my friend and want nothing but the best for her. I guess in the past I've had better ways of preparing myself for things, like seeing family/friends, being questioned about the miscarriage, and even going to the baby shower last week. I knew what to expect. This just totally through me for a loop.

fmannino85

@MissPrint1219 Thank you SO much! Your words and advice truly make me feel better, especially about how I'm feeling and that it's normal to feel this way. I was thinking when I do respond to my friends text I may just say to her that we are very happy for them and thank you for checking in. Short and sweet. I'm just scared to respond right now because I don't want to be questioned more or have her divulge information about her pregnancy. I know that may be selfish, but right now I know I can't handle it.

MissPrint1219

Short & sweet is just fine. I've also found that just being honest about where I am in my journey to those around me has really helped. Saying something like "I really appreciate the concern, and I really am happy for you both, but right now I just need time to process everything" is perfectly acceptable. I did something similar with at work and it helped. When I was ready to talk about it, I started the conversation and let them know the moratorium could be lifted :-) Of course, there are always insensitive and stupid people like the woman at work who (4 months after my first loss) rubbed my stomach and asked what I was having (my reply? "A cheeseburger"). Forget those people, but also remember that this is YOUR journey - you decide who to share it with, and you don't owe anybody anything who chooses to tag along uninvited. You also don't have to be the guardian of anyone's feelings but your own.

fmannino85

@MissPrint1219 thank you again for your kind words and help! I told your advice and my friend ended up calling me because she felt terrible about how things were handled. Talking to her and you and the ladies on here has definitely helped me feel better. I need to start taking your advice on not being the guardian of anyone's feelings but my own. I have always worried about hurting others, but now I'm hurting and need to also take care of that. Thank you again and all the best!

MissPrint1219

You are most welcome! I'm glad you and your friend were able to come to an understanding :-)