Things that chap my hide

Sporty1216

When DH says he's just so tired and needs to go lie on the couch and watch football all afternoon. Meanwhile, I am growing a human and chasing a toddler. Hm.

Any grievances to air out there?

Jenniferk08

Mine complains that I'm not doing enough. I commute 10 hours a week, work 45, get our son ready for school, make breakfast/lunch and growing a baby. Yet he wonders why I'm tired and have no desire for sex.

Sporty1216

ugh. I'm sorry, @Jenniferk08 I'm sure he's a good guy, just like my DH is, but it hard to figure out how they can be quite so clueless sometimes.

tiffanyhr

I'm getting the hairy eyeball over here because I haven't cleaned in over a week. I am a teacher and tutor after school three days a week and have Monday meetings. I leave the house by 6:45 and most days I get home at 5 after picking up my son, then hustle to get dinner on the table. Oh and the growing a human part. Why is he surprised that I just fell asleep on the couch??

carrieandr

Mine tells me he could handle being pregnant better than me. And he refers to morning sickness as "being silly." "You're just being silly." "Stop being silly." "Are you being silly again?" I told him I almost got silly in the grocery store parking lot.

Jenniferk08

@CarrieandRoy show him the video of the guys simulating giving birth.

Sporty1216

Seriously! Show him that video! And then put some kind of vomit-inducer in his food for 5 weeks.

Jenniferk08

Men are just stupid. They don't understand it's not something you can just push through like a cold. It goes far deeper than that. Thankfully my mom worked for an ob/gyn so she tells me to rest when I need to rest and do things if I feel up to it.

lillebowski23

Good to know others have husbands who are occasionally weenies. Mine got so grumpy when I told him I wanted him at the fetal anatomy scan at the end of February. "Come on!" I said. "I've not asked that you come to any other appointment and you'll be able to see the baby!" Sometimes his ambivalence makes me wonder if he really wants this, but I think he actually is excited and nervous. Ambivalence is his go-to emotion for complicated thought and emotional patterns.

carrieandr

My mom has been saving my sister's baby stuff for me and she asked if she could bring it over. The future baby's room is our guest room, which we will need many times before the baby is born. So I told my mom to just bring things I could put in the dresser and closet -- nothing big, like a crib, high-chair, etc. I want to wash everything and go through it before putting it away, so it is sitting on the dresser. DH noticed it last night and said, "get that baby crap out of the guest room." I explained the situation, and the fact that my dad wants that stuff out of his house, and DH said "why is it okay for it to junk up my house instead of his?" I pointed out the obvious -- that it's OUR baby, but he still wants that stuff out of the room. (I'm going with my original plan of washing it and putting it away.) His attitude toward anything baby upsets me. @lillebowski23 he has no interest in going to u/s's either. Or even in seeing the picture when I get home. Men really suck sometimes.

Jenniferk08

My husband was better after our son was born. Before then it's sort of an out of body experience for them. We feel the baby move, our hormones and emotions are connected to them. Guys don't get that.
Mine only came to a small number of my appointments when I was pregnant with our son and that was only after I ended up in the Er with a threatened m/c. Even this time now he hasn't been to any, I've done them solo. I did ask he come to the NT scan the end of this month though.

Sporty1216

I do remember my brother saying to me that for women, motherhood happens the minute we get that BFP. But for men, it doesn't become real that they are a dad until they hold their kiddo for the first time. I think that was true for my DH. While he still doesn't get the work I do, or the hardships of pregnancy, he is head over heels in love with our son. And, when asked, he steps up. I just don't always like having to ask.

carrieandr

I know he'll come around and he'll definitely love our little girl. He tells me all the time that he's not going to help at all, but I think that is partly to lower my expectations. That way he's in control of when and how he helps and any help given will be appreciated. (I wish I could be that way, but someone's gotta take care of this little one!) I can't really argue with his position, because he preferred not to have kids and is doing this for me. I hate admitting that out loud, but it's true.

Sporty1216

That's a tough spot, @CarrieandRoy --but i would be willing to bet a lot that once that little baby is here and his heart melts, he is going to be SO glad he was willing to "do this for you."

99% or childcare falls to me in our household, but I did just ask DH to watch LO so I can take a nap (I was up with him from 2-4am and feel a sore throat coming on and DH is traveling for work for the next 2.5 days) and he agreed willingly. Now I hope I can fall asleep!

carrieandr

I think I'll be fine with the diapering, bathing, feeding, etc. I just want to be able to ask him to watch her or play with her sometimes so I can get work done or take a nap or just have a minute to myself. I think he'll do that much. I hope.

tiffanyhr

@CarrieandRoy I hope so too for your sanity! My DH says "he's not a newborn guy". He's great with toddlers...but I think that's standard dad stuff maybe? Dads like to play around and be big kids. Newborns are just blobs who don't play back. I think guys need to see the smiles and hear the laughs for the gratification that they are doing something useful.

lillebowski23

Ladies thank you one and all. All of your responses have been helpful and have put me at ease. Yeah, i suppose in some ways we are pretty lucky in that we get to bknd witb our babies from the get go. DH has said that it isn't real for him yet. I think it will be in July!

Jenniferk08

@CarrieandRoy I was like your hubby. I never wanted kids. I started asking my gyn at 18 if I could be fixed yet seriously asked the woman is I could be spayed. When I met h I sort of came around but wasn't too keen on kids. Then my son came and well I'm on #2 so I guess I sort of like them now.

Mamafesto

Okay ladies, my hide is properly chapped for ya'll. I'm sorry, but I think it's unacceptable and shocking that men would still have these attitudes in 2016. A relationship should be a partnership with both parties pulling their weight even when the task at hand is seemingly not fun or gratifying. As far as I know many of you work full time and it is simply a matter of respect that your partner would co-parent and not let all of the responsibility for childcare fall to you.

I know my DP felt awkward during the newborn phase, but he took an equal amount of time off of work, diapered, did middle of the night bottle feedings, and generally pulled his weight (and continues to) because he felt it was his responsibility as the father and because he loves me and knew I needed his full support. With DS he came to every u/s and asked if I wanted him to go to every other prenatal appointment (which I didn't necessarily). At my recent u/s with this LO, he found a way to Facetime into the u/s while on vacation with his step-dad and is shifting around his work schedule to make it to my next u/s.

I understand that things are not always black and white and relationships are complex, but I feel that these menfolk need a serious "come to Jesus" talk about stepping it up. I hope this isn't badly received, I just feel that you're all amazing women who are going through a lot to bring these humans into the world and that you DESERVE to be treated with the requisite respect. I've found that making and raising children is hard enough when you have an equal partner in the endeavor, no one that has a partner should feel like they're going it alone.

End rant.

Sporty1216

Well, I have to confess that I created some of this in my case. For the first year, LO was exclusively breast fed, and so I necessarily did all the feedings. I chose not to pump except when absolutely necessary, so bottles were few and far between (basically only when I left him with the sitter while I was at work twice a week). We definitely need to keep working on how we share childcare work, but much of our situation during the week is due to my being able to work a flexible schedule, while DH is chained to a desk.

That said, we do need to have some serious chats in preparation for the arrival of #2. It's going to be a game changer and we'll need all hands on deck in the evenings and on weekends.

And, to his credit, I got an awesome 2 hour nap today. I had to ask--but I bet if I asked more and expressed my needs more, I would make more space for him to pitch in.

Anyway. I appreciate the rallying cry, @mamafesto! it's good to think through what we all want/need things to look like when it comes to co-parenting, for sure.

mthoomom

@CarrieandRoy Some men just don't get it until they've been parents for a while. I'm sure he'll have a face palm moment a month or two after birth. Get him involved in baby care as soon as she is born, it's the best way to "break" them in  

My husband is super exited about the impending arrival of his son, especially after helping raise my two kids. He insists on going to every appointment, researches baby gear, and helps pick out clothes. However, sometimes he acts like he has the brain of an 18 year old. He is an upbeat, optimistic person by nature, so he doesn't think about the future as much as he probably should. This affects finances, career decisions, you know, important stuff. Luckily, he's smart and educated, so our lives are far from awful, but sometimes he does things that make me want to scream F*********** at the top of my lungs! 

I guess no man is perfect! 

bgf1

Just a suggestion for those with partners who aren't seeming to be as involved. I think it really does take a village, but must of us live far away from our villages (relatives who are able to help) so it definitely helps to have you SO our support person on board. When we were expecting our first we took a Getting Ready for Baby class. The focus was on life after baby rather than labour. They taught you how to swaddle and bathe a newborn to change a diaper. It was great because lots of guys don't grow up babysitting and they might not know how to do those things but rather than look silly they just don't ask how and don't help.

The most helpful thing was this sheet where you discussed and agreed on points like which three chores must be done regularly and which could slide during those first few weeks. You made a list of things mom could do to calm a crying baby and a separate list of things dad could do.... You also discussed how you would ensure reach partner got alone time and how you could maintain couple time as new parents (and how often was reasonable ).
For us laying out all out on the table was so much better than hoping we'd figure it out after the fact. My DH took the kids out some from the time they were a few days old (with strict instructions on when to be back for the next nursing season) and even looked after my son alone for several days when he was 6 months old and I had surgery. Lots of things he does chap my hide but I can let (mostly

Jenniferk08

Oh I bitch about my hubby but he is really good about helping out. He just complains I'm not. He splits and brings in the firewood, does the fireplace, cooks dinner, cleans up, does the dishes, does the laundry (I just fold/put away), sort of helps our son clean up.
I think he knows if My family thought he wasn't helping me they would kick his ass. (First child/grandchild who has given birth to the first grandson/great grandson and presently pregnant with their next.... Yep he'd be hurting if he didn't.)

He's not so good with the newborn stuff. And in the delivery room I was ready to kick his ass. Never tell the woman during 30 hours of later that you are tired, especially when she hasn't had food all that time. Still had 6 hours to go until my son was born. And I still remind him of it every so often.

Sporty1216

Agreed, @Jenniferk08 --there's a LONG list of things my DH does that i am so grateful to not have to do. Mostly, our system and division of labor works well for us. But there are *those* moments when it comes to taking care of a kiddo and being pregnant that we have some amount of disconnect. I know I just have to get better about communicating about some of this. I tend to be one of those people who has a hard time asking for help. But that's on me, not on my DH. I like the ideas you guys did in your class, @bgf1 ! That sounds really helpful!

carrieandr

Just to give you a little insight into my DH... He was married before, to a woman that had a 4 year old when they met. They split when he turned 9. Even though, as a former stepfather, he has no custody, he maintains a relationship with the boy (who is now almost 15). He had him 50% of the time for about a year after they split. Then the ex cut off all contact for a few months, but resumed with one weekend a month ever since. (Hence him wanting me to keep baby stuff out of the guest room.) The fact that he would take care of a 9 yr old 50% of the time when it is not his responsibility says a lot. I am hoping that caring and feeling of responsibility will only be stronger with his biological child. I think the fact that it's a baby is very daunting for him. (It is for me, too!) I keep reminding him that it won't always be a baby. (Side note: Due to remodeling, the former stepson will have to stay in an unfinished room when the baby comes. We need to knock down a wall and move a door to finish that room, and it involves gutting and redesigning the kitchen at the same time, which we can't afford to do yet. So the guest room can't be a nursery until absolutely necessary.)

Knottie1450304223

When my fiancé gets bent out of shape that I have to take naps every day, this child is sucking my life force lol

Infantino22

Totally hear you guys on this front. Husbands can be totally oblivious to how we feel during pregnancy, and if they're anything like my husband, they can try to push the limits to see what they can get away with.

My husband has pissed me off several times about things like cleaning, or asking why I'm so tired, etc. We had a come to Jesus about it and I used one of your explanations - it's like being hungover all the time - and he seemed to "get it" more. Plus, when we hang out with couples who have kids, and I mention that the exhaustion has been rough, they always agree and say that it's really hard. That makes him see things a little more clearly.

On the positive side, he has totally stepped up with the house cleaning, dog walking, etc. He does it without asking and without expecting a parade (which was a bit of an issue early in our marriage.)

He was raised in a very traditional southern family, on a farm with 2 brothers. I'm pretty lucky that he is much more modern than any of them, because their poor wives are like their maids. No way - not going to happen - and that was made clear by me very early in our dating life. I was raised by two parents who totally acted as a team - my dad did just as much as my mom, on the house front and on the kid front. My husband's brother was just recently shamed (by yours truly) into changing his first poopy diaper, and their daughter is 14 months old. I told him, verbatim, if you're man enough to make a baby, you're man enough to change her diaper.

I then followed that up with a diatribe to my hubby on the 3 hour ride home where I'm pretty sure I used the word "divorce" if he even thought for a second he'd follow in his brother's footsteps on that front. I love his brother, but I couldn't be married to him.

We need partners, ladies, and I think our husbands will step up if we do not lower our expectations. They know what's right and I believe they will do those things. I know with my husband, praise for the little steps is key. Tell him when he's doing the right things, even if it's not often, and he will do more of those things.

Hang in there!!

lickastick

@Infantino22 oh yeah you go girl! Love it!

redheadbride15

I like this thread. I'm lucky that my DH is genuinely one of the most considerate and generous person I've ever met (which is why I fell in love with him). His problem has never been that he isn't WILLING to help out, it's that he's totally clueless about what needs to get done unless it's explained to him (usually more than once, often it needs to be written down too). I realize I can't complain too much, but I DO get tired of having to give him directions all the time. We're a modern, progressive couple, both work 40+ hours per week at similarly demanding jobs. I have a higher level of education and earn slightly more than he does. But I know that despite his best intentions I'll still end up doing more than 50% of the work at home, and that frustrates me. I like what @Infantino22 says about not lowering expectations. I know that the more I demand the more I will receive. I just wish it were intuitive to him!

Sporty1216

I agree that it's the lack of intuition that is tricky, @redheadbride15! That's a really good way to think about it. I think I have not put enough effort into giving instructions and asking for help--he is willing, but sometimes I find it's easier to just do it than to explain it. But I should be more understanding about a learning curve and be more willing to ask and to teach (it's what I do for a living after all!).

Anyway. That's a really helpful insight.

tjest

One of my girlfriends' husband said, "you can sleep when you're dead" to her when she was about 8wks pregnant. He's the sweetest guy.... Poor thing. Their baby is 6 months old now & I think his foot is still partially lodged in his mouth!

I was complaining about bloat and fatigue and mine said I "probably need to get some cardio"....

I don't think they think before they speak!

emgee27

redheadbride15 said:

I like this thread. I'm lucky that my DH is genuinely one of the most considerate and generous person I've ever met (which is why I fell in love with him). His problem has never been that he isn't WILLING to help out, it's that he's totally clueless about what needs to get done unless it's explained to him (usually more than once, often it needs to be written down too). I realize I can't complain too much, but I DO get tired of having to give him directions all the time. We're a modern, progressive couple, both work 40+ hours per week at similarly demanding jobs. I have a higher level of education and earn slightly more than he does. But I know that despite his best intentions I'll still end up doing more than 50% of the work at home, and that frustrates me. I like what @Infantino22 says about not lowering expectations. I know that the more I demand the more I will receive. I just wish it were intuitive to him!

I'm sorry, but are we twins? This is exactly my life in all aspects.

My husband says the same thing all the time, just be direct with me, tell me what I need to do and I'll do it but I'm just not going to see what you see needs to be done. I get miffed he doesn't just set up a mental chore list since it's the same things week after week, but I can't complain too much because he does do them and help out. He even recently took over dishes from me because someone is no longer letting me reach the sink as easily, and he hates dishes.

Along the lines of not lowering expectations, my mom always says, 'a man will make himself just as useless as you let him be.'

redheadbride15

@emgee27 haha, dishes was the first task I assigned to my DH. Then it was taking out the trash, then cleaning the bathroom. I do everything else, and all the cooking. I'm going to have to figure out what baby-related division of labor should look like. The one thing I'm sure of is that it will require me writing "to do" lists...

carrieandr

@tjest my husband was concerned that I was eating all the time to help the nausea and I wasn't going to the gym. But his list of my priorities would probably look something like this: 1. Make sure house is clean. 2. Stay fit. 3. Don't bother husband with symptoms. 4. Work. 5. Create a new person from scratch.

alitria

You ladies are a patient and forgiving bunch.  I'm pretty sure I would have stabbed someone in the face by now.  I will say that my husband has been MUCH better with this pregnancy than he was with my first.  Somewhere between then and now, he seems to have acquired a clue.  He wasn't super sympathetic with my first pregnancy and I had a lot of things go wrong and earned a lifetime worth of "I told you so."  (Which I really do try not to use. Often.) Following the birth of our son 6 weeks early, (the which he responded, well, I just wasn't ready yet...) after about six months of him playing video games and acting like our son was an entertaining distraction somewhat akin to a new kitten, I told him I could be mommy and maid for one baby, but not for two and he could either figure it out or return to the days of bachelorhood he seemed to be trying to reclaim.  I wasn't joking, and I think he knew that.  Things have improved, with some bumps in the road of course, since then and he's been pretty good this time around.  I think some guys just have to learn the hard way.   

Infantino22

@redheadbride15 and @Sporty1216 -- a tip that might help with the constant instruction/reminders (at least for chores and housework, anyway):

Early in our marriage, we started using Wunderlist. It's an app that you can share (he has a droid, I have an iPhone, works perfectly) to collaborate on all kinds of lists. I introduced it to DH with the grocery list part, because I'm no fool. I can make a grocery list, he can add to it at will so that I don't forget to get his strawberry pop tarts or fruit gushers (yes, it's like middle school in my pantry.) Anyway, it's super cool because if one of you uses the last of the trash bags or milk, you add it to the list and it syncs.

But the ultimate reason I wanted to use the app came a few weeks later, after I sucked him in with the food... "Look, honey, there's a cool chore list in here!" Ha! You can make a list of all the things that need done daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc. Then, you check them off as they get done and you can assign them to yourself, your partner, or leave them unassigned.

I left them unassigned, because my DH has a problem with authority deep down, and assigning him anything would be a non starter. But he's also competitive, and doesn't like to be out worked on paper (where he can't ignore it) so I saw a SIGNIFICANT change in him almost immediately. He was proud and somewhat smug about each thing he "checked off" which was annoying as hell (who do you think did this shit before it was on this app!?!) but so very worth it in the long run.

It went so much better than I had even hoped, but I looked at it like this -- worst case scenario, I document the chores I do and have a cool system for keeping track... And if he acts nonchalant, like there isn't that much to do and I'm being dramatic, BAM. List comes out, and shit gets real.

We rarely even use the app anymore - now he has the list memorized and just goes about his business of doing the items that he got used to doing during the app use period.

#winning

lillebowski23

@Infantino22 wow, I'll have to check that out! DH runs his own law practice and is expanding it using tech and various dashboards so he can spend more time with me and our upcoming LO. We used to use google docs and now we have about 5 whiteboards (2 which I painted on the walls, 3 24x36 inch removable stickers) that we use for various lists and collaborations. I think this app could be very helpful in the future. Thanks for the recommendation!

Sporty1216

@Infantino22 --I use wunderlist and LOVE it! Great idea to get DH on board with using it too!

Also, I have to give him props today. I don't know how or when the penny dropped, but this morning he told me to listen to my body and if I needed to nap, he would take care of things! Woot woot! Nap time coming up this afternoon.

redheadbride15

@Infantino22 I love that idea! Downloading the app to my phone as we speak

carrieandr

I just downloaded it. DH makes fun of my compulsive list making.

mthoomom

@infantino22 that sounds like a really useful app, going to check it out! I have been using an app for myself called "do it tomorrow". I like it because I can make a to-do list, and anything that I don't or can't finish that day I push to tomorrows list. I know it sounds like a procrastinators dream, but I find it really helpful.