Advice needed

tyrannis

For those of you with husbands on the military and need to move overseas often. I'm not married to a military guy myself. But my husband is Dutch raised and born, we met in the United States and got married. We been together for 5 years, and we now have a 2 month old baby. He keeps saying life there is better for our little one, and he is already making plans to move there permanently. I'm not sure I agree with him, I love my life here and my family lives near me(mom dad,brothers) and we are very close. How do you guys do it when you have to move overseas and leave everything behind.

kmd91

I think it's something the two of you have to talk about very seriously before making that kind of leap. Because if you're not totally on board it's easy to find yourself resentful of being ripped from everything you know.

My husband is in the army and we are currently living about 5,000 miles from our families. I'm not going to lie, at times it does suck, especially having our little guy. Because it's not cheap to go home or for people to come out to visit, so no one has met our son yet, which is sad. And of course, with the military factor I've also got times where he is gone and it's just me here with no one to lean on because everyone I know is back home, but I assume that's not an issue you will encounter.

But, with all that negative said, it also really isn't that bad. You get to form your family as your own individual unit, because it's just you. It can strengthen your bond by having to rely on each other for pretty much everything. You don't have to worry so much about meddling family. And it's definitely an adventure to start up a life somewhere new.

Really though, have a frank conversation with him. Tell him what you really think and feel about this possible move. Talk it out so that you both know exactly where the other is coming from. You want to be sure that if you agree to this move that you will be okay with that decision. Because believe me, I know it's scary to just drop your life and move to somewhere new and unfamiliar.

tyrannis

If we move we will be close to his family. I barely know them we visited them a year ago. They seemed nice, however this morning my husband was on wassup with his sister. They started arguing about how to take care of our baby. She thinks we spoiled our 2 month baby girl. Anyways her husband got in the conversation, and he end up saying that at least my husband sister had pure breed babies, they are both Dutch so they are white, blue eyes. I'm mexican, so our little princess is half dutch half mexican. She doesn't have blue eyes or blond hair. I was almost on board with hubby up until this morning.

kmd91

tyrannis said:

If we move we will be close to his family. I barely know them we visited them a year ago. They seemed nice, however this morning my husband was on wassup with his sister. They started arguing about how to take care of our baby. She thinks we spoiled our 2 month baby girl. Anyways her husband got in the conversation, and he end up saying that at least my husband sister had pure breed babies, they are both Dutch so they are white, blue eyes. I'm mexican, so our little princess is half dutch half mexican. She doesn't have blue eyes or blond hair. I was almost on board with hubby up until this morning.

I thought about that right after I posted (the fact that his family is likely there, not that specific situation), and I feel like that is where it gets kind of messy. Like to a degree this move is choosing between your family and his. If they are being so judgmental of your child and your parenting I would also talk with your husband about that. Obviously he can't control their actions, but being around toxic people isn't going to make you happy about moving there. And he may need to talk to them about why their comments are inappropriate and uncalled for. Either way, if you do move I think it's important to set some ground rules when it comes to the in laws so that isn't something you constantly have to deal with

VexedMommy

There are actually a lot of plus sides to moving to European countries for families.  Family leave laws, vacations, and working hours tend to be much more conducive to family life than those in the US.  However, the pure breed comment is incredibly worrying to me.  What was your husband's response? 

tyrannis

He excused his brother in law, at first he was mad but then he said he probably didn't meant it. However he said we don't have to visit them once we move to the Netherlands

Unica1302+

I agree with the concern about the racial comment. Life can be very good overseas (good education,Healthcare, healthier lifestyle, etc) but if there is good possibility your and babys ethnicity or looks are gonna be an issue that'd be a red flag for me. Have a good convo with him and even his family (I mean you are going to live so close to them you may as well try to get to know where they stand) prior to deciding if you should go or not. A close cousin of mine has been away for the great majority of her children's lives (her husband is military , they just came back from 2 years in Germany). They've done well but I credit a lot of that to her. She has a great outgoing very friendly personality. Theyve visited 2-4 times but if it wasnt for the milirary facilitating they couldnt have.Her sister ended up also marrying into military and is having a much more difficult time in just being out of state from us, she's much more introverted. Maybe go on a trial basis...? Also research custodial law before going anywhere, you wouldn't want that to be an issue if things between you guys don't work out.

gumby22c

It's really something you both need to think long and hard about. And communicate.

My H is in the military and we moved to Germany this past fall. For us, some of the pressure was taken off because #1 we wanted to come here so when we got orders we were excited and #2 the military moved our household goods for us so that was something we didn't have to plan out.

The hardest part for me initially was just forcing myself out of my comfort zone and interacting with the locals. I knew zero German when we got here. I've learned a little bit, enough to barely hold a simple conversation, but I'm getting more confident in my ability to speak German with each interaction I have with them. But a lot of the speak English too, so usually between their English and my German it's not too hard to communicate.

I love living here, but I also know it's temporary for us, just a few years. And we aren't by family, so based off what you've shared about your ILs, seriously consider if you want to live that close to them long term.

If you have any specific questions about moving overseas, I can try to answer them.

tyrannis

If we move there I know we will see them often. Its a very small community, and every holiday they get together. My MIL said brother inlaw had a few beers that day and he didnt mean to say that. I know my husband's sister isn't racist since she dated Turkish guys before. Anywho..
If we do move we will sell everything we own here since shipping furniture overseas is very expensive. But I'm afraid it won't work and we will have to come back to nothing. No cars, no furniture no money. We been saving money to buy a house here but if we move we will probably use that money for the furniture,plane tickets, resident visa to stay and money to pay rent for awhile.
When we visited a year ago I did felt in love with his town, life seems so peaceful, and people are very friendly. I just wish it wasn't so far away, I am very close to my parents and to one of my sisters.
Do you miss your friends and family? Does it get better overtime? Do you feel out of place?

gumby22c

I do miss my family and friends, but we Skype and Whatsapp all the time. It really helps with not feeling homesick. But I also have been living away from my family for the past 6 years thanks to the military. For me the hardest part is when they come to visit and then leave to go home. My house is so quiet and I hate that, but I get past it after a day or so.

We've been here 4 months now and I do feel
more comfortable as the time goes by. I occasionally feel like I have "Silly American" stamped on my forehead, but I'm sure that's more my introverted personality rather than people actually thinking that. It been such a fun experience, I'm so happy we are getting to do it. I love being able to travel so easily and see some amazing places. We drove over to France yesterday, just for a day trip and on the way went through Luxembourg. Not only is it fun for us, but I love that LO will spend his first 3 years here growing up. He's 2 months and visited 3 countries already, soon to add a 4th next month.

Before we moved I had several "holy shit we are seriously doing this" moments. But it's been a great experience for us.