Uninvited Guests After Baby's Born

CowflopBINGO

Hey everyone. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive, but my fiancé told me recently that he had invited his mother to stay with us for a few days after our baby is born in March.

His mom isn't by any means an intrusive presence to me whatsoever, but we have a small house, and I already know that personal space is going to be a big necessity for me after I come home from the hospital and have to be dealing with bleeding, possibly healing from an episiotomy, breastfeeding issues, etc. Personal things that I'd rather she not be present for as I'm struggling to overcome them with the man whose child I just delivered.

And that's another thing. I feel like those first few days home are going to be very important for US to bond during. Just the two of us. In private. He's only taking two weeks off from work after I deliver, and I'd like that time to spent alone, with just me.

I'm not by any means opposed to having visitors that come, stay for a couple of hours, and then leave...but I don't want a third person crammed into what is going to be an even smaller living space once we bring this baby home.

I don't know. I'm really offended that he didn't discuss this with me before inviting her, I'm offended that she accepted his invitation without pushing him to talk to me first, and I'm just generally displeased with having someone in my personal living space at a time when I'm going to need it most. Important point: This is my second baby (my first is 7 now), and not to make it sound like I'm an expert when it comes to newborns, but I don't need that "supportive mother-in-law" presence the way I may have the first time around.

Thoughts?

LIly436

His mother would not just be "visiting", I assume she will be helping you, which should be appreciated

tJaffe

I have made it clear to my MIL and other family members that I don't want a lot of visitors. I understand people want to see the baby, but I will be in recovery of some sort after birth and need time to figure out the whole breastfeeding/becoming a mommy thing. My mother is coming and staying with us, not so much to help with baby, but to help me personally... She's the only person besides my husband that I want around while I'm dealing with PP issues! (My family foster cared for 13 babies throughout my teen years so I got the baby care down pat.)

People tend not to think about the mom needing recovery time and only think "omg new baby I have to go see/help with the baby" regardless if you actually need help.

Thankfully, this is the 5th go around for my MIL, I set limits right away and since this is our first baby I've been telling DH how much I don't want a circus, I want time between guests and the only guests are to be our parents initially. So MIL is coming end of April and I'll schedule his other set of parents between visits from my mom and his.

tJaffe

I should also note, I'm very opinionated and speak my mind a lot. I'm not afraid to put my needs and my baby's needs ahead of ppl just needing to meet him.

Maybe suggest she stay at a hotel close by?

diablesse

You can't blame her for accepting his invitation. It's definitely his fault for not clearing it with you first.

That said, my sympathies. My mother also insists on coming for a month, last time was 6 weeks. I love my mum and she helped out a lot, but that was still rough for me.

soxfan9968

I don't think you can call her uninvited when your dh specifically invited her. If anything, I'd talk to him about and tell him how you feel.

Sorry, but I don't agree that you HAVE TO be grateful for the help. Don't be rude but you didn't ask for help your dh did. This is something that he needs to fix.

SarahFoley725

Why don't you just ask for her to come and stay a little later after you get settled. I'm sure she will understand.

2-Step

I would simply ask him to tell her he forgot check with you and you would like some time alone for all the reasons you stated. She will probably understand and if not she will get over it. You are not obligated to be grateful for help you didn't ask for or want and everyone has a different comfort zone when it comes to things like this. I need to have a talk with my DH about the same thing before MIL invites herself! Houseguest are stressful for me too.

lcq5504

CowflopBINGO said:

Hey everyone. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive, but my fiancé told me recently that he had invited his mother to stay with us for a few days after our baby is born in March.

His mom isn't by any means an intrusive presence to me whatsoever, but we have a small house, and I already know that personal space is going to be a big necessity for me after I come home from the hospital and have to be dealing with bleeding, possibly healing from an episiotomy, breastfeeding issues, etc. Personal things that I'd rather she not be present for as I'm struggling to overcome them with the man whose child I just delivered.

And that's another thing. I feel like those first few days home are going to be very important for US to bond during. Just the two of us. In private. He's only taking two weeks off from work after I deliver, and I'd like that time to spent alone, with just me.

I'm not by any means opposed to having visitors that come, stay for a couple of hours, and then leave...but I don't want a third person crammed into what is going to be an even smaller living space once we bring this baby home.

I don't know. I'm really offended that he didn't discuss this with me before inviting her, I'm offended that she accepted his invitation without pushing him to talk to me first, and I'm just generally displeased with having someone in my personal living space at a time when I'm going to need it most. Important point: This is my second baby (my first is 7 now), and not to make it sound like I'm an expert when it comes to newborns, but I don't need that "supportive mother-in-law" presence the way I may have the first time around.

Thoughts?

Have you stopped to think or ask about what his wants and needs may be? You may not need a "supportive MIL presence", but perhaps he'd like to have his supportive MOTHER around to help him navigate the first couple of days with this new baby.

I get wanting/needing that special bonding time, but you'll also need some time for yourself to eat, rest, shower, breathe, etc., and maybe he'd like a comforting, supportive, loving, helping hand to help him out while you pull yourself together post-partum.

You're lucky to have this love and support. What I wouldn't give to still have my mom & my MIL around to be here for us, especially those first few days pp.

Synnovus

I agree with most pp. I would be pissed at my DH if he did this and expect him to tell his mom that he hadn't spoken with me first. Therefor visiting would happen later when I was comfortable having guests stay over at our house. It shouldn't be a big deal. After all your MIL has done this herself and should understand the need for some privacy in the beginning. I totally disagree with @lcq5504 on this. I'm truly sorry to hear that you do not have neither your mom nor your MIL here anymore. However, just because OP's fiancé might want his mother there does not give him the right to invite her to stay with them after birth without talking to OP about it first. And he should think more about OP's needs and wants than his own at that time anyway:
1. He's not the one giving birth and recovering from it (bleeding, hormones, soreness and so on)
2. He's not the one going to establish breast feeding with a new baby
3. He's not the one that will do the things said above being uncomfortable and stressed due to a third person being there
I don't think this is about being ungrateful and not appreciate the love people around you have for you, but rather what comfort level you have with other people being in your personal space at a time when you are going through something very personal. Everyone will be different and feel different about this and should be able to do what's best for them.

cmerribury

I would be frustrated but only because I expect my husband to be my partner and discuss things like this with me. I'd tell him that and ask if he can push the stay back to when he goes back to work (or at least a week or so after baby gets here). I agree that she's not uninvited.

flowerpower5838

No offense to the PP, but I don't really think it matters if your fiancé wants his MIL there if you don't. That's not to say that his opinion doesn't matter or that yours matters more, but I feel like if both parties aren't on the same page then you have to compromise. And how can you be on the same page if you weren't even consulted? Perhaps she can come for a few days once your fiancé goes back to work? I, personally, do NOT think it is too late to talk to your fiancé to try and come with an alternative plan with which you can both agree.

Additionally, you also didn't mention that she is coming to help with laundry, dishes, late might feedings if you aren't EBF, etc. etc. The ONLY reason my mom is coming after is to help with those things so DH and I can focus on the new baby, figure out how to be a parent to a NB, etc. etc. This is one of the reasons my MIL is not invited to come and stay long term (we live about 4 hours from family), as she has no interest in helping out with that stuff (and she certainly doesn't need to, I am not complaining) but my very short time I will have away from work is for ME to fawn over baby, connect and get comfortable, not her. She can come and meet baby while staying for a day or two once we are settled, but then it's time for her to go. Even though I love her, she stresses me to the max and I don't need that when I am fumbling around with the whole new motherhood thing.

katekat8721

Haven't read the other responses, the first one annoyed me too much to continue.

Your husband was in the wrong and should have discussed this with you. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and call his mom "Hey mom, I talked to DW and we've decided that we're going to hold off on overnight visitors for awhile after baby comes. We want to be able to bond and relax and focus on our little family. We would love to have daytime visitors so we'll let you know when we're available for that. Sorry for the confusion and if I hurt your feelings, I jumped the gun on this one."

katekat8721

Adding... you are NOT wrong to want alone time with your little nuclear family after LO arrives. Don't feel that you are. Talk to DH and see why he invited her. Does HE need the help? Did he think you would appreciate it? Lack of communication here seems to be the big issue.

flowerpower5838

katekat8721 said:

Haven't read the other responses, the first one annoyed me too much to continue.

Your husband was in the wrong and should have discussed this with you. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and call his mom "Hey mom, I talked to DW and we've decided that we're going to hold off on overnight visitors for awhile after baby comes. We want to be able to bond and relax and focus on our little family. We would love to have daytime visitors so we'll let you know when we're available for that. Sorry for the confusion and if I hurt your feelings, I jumped the gun on this one."

I, too, was really surprised by a few of the responses. Just because someone is coming doesn't mean they intend to help. And everyone's version of "help" is different. I've read stories from women here that have had moms/MILs offer to "help" by watching the new LO while the new mom cooks dinner, goes to the store, does laundry, etc. That's not helping, that is getting time in with a new baby.

OP, the second bolded is spot on something your fiancé should tell his mom. It's him taking responsibility and respectfully rescinding the offer to stay with an open invitation to eventually visit during the day.

Parker16772

flowerpower5838 said:

No offense to the PP, but I don't really think it matters if your fiancé wants his MIL there if you don't. That's not to say that his opinion doesn't matter or that yours matters more, but I feel like if both parties aren't on the same page then you have to compromise. And how can you be on the same page if you weren't even consulted? Perhaps she can come for a few days once your fiancé goes back to work? I, personally, do NOT think it is too late to talk to your fiancé to try and come with an alternative plan with which you can both agree.

Additionally, you also didn't mention that she is coming to help with laundry, dishes, late might feedings if you aren't EBF, etc. etc. The ONLY reason my mom is coming after is to help with those things so DH and I can focus on the new baby, figure out how to be a parent to a NB, etc. etc. This is one of the reasons my MIL is not invited to come and stay long term (we live about 4 hours from family), as she has no interest in helping out with that stuff (and she certainly doesn't need to, I am not complaining) but my very short time I will have away from work is for ME to fawn over baby, connect and get comfortable, not her. She can come and meet baby while staying for a day or two once we are settled, but then it's time for her to go. Even though I love her, she stresses me to the max and I don't need that when I am fumbling around with the whole new motherhood thing.

This exactly. I would def be upset that DH invited his mother to come stay without asking. He should have considered your feelings and asked before doing so even if that is what he wants. I would have your DH talk to her and let her know that y'all want some time on your own to bond with the baby and ask that she come when he goes back to work since that will be more help to you if that's what you want. 

skruhmin

I'm going to come at this from a BTDT approach with some assumptions.  I'm assuming she's going to be there to help.  Accept the help.  Your job is to stay in bed for 1-2 weeks to heal and bond with baby.  The toll on your body is incredible and you will need that time for rest.  Let your MIL help out - have her cook, do laundry, clean.  That's the helper's job. 

I will say he should have talked to you beforehand.  Hopefully he missed that step because he's so excited about his child coming into the world. 

rosieschmozie

Dear @CowflopBINGO,

I can hear a couple of elements in your problem with the situation all leading down to the fact that YOU want alone time with YOUR family. Personally, I think that is totally reasonable and perhaps not even to hard to explain to your DH or MIL. If it where me, I'd briefly explain my discomfort with MIL staying a couple of days so soon atfer the birth without too much emotion to DH and ask him what his thoughts are on MIL staying with you guys after he goes back to work. I'd also ask him what he wants and why he has arranged this. Does he really wants his mother there so close after the birth or did he simply say "yeah sure!" To a suggestion she made? If he doesn't really mind when she comes over, I'd ask him if he would please call his mother and say that she's welcome after he goes back to work.
If she lives far away and is dead set on seeing the baby brand new, maybe she can visist you guys within those two weeks for a few hours and stay in a hotel.

I'm in the same boat because I don't live i the same country as my family and my MIL wants to come over and help with the baby as well, but I am going to tell her that she's more then welcome to stay a couple of days AFTER my partner goes back to work. I too would like this alone time with my partner without having someone in my small house, even if it's going to be the hardest two weeks of my life and I'll end up begging my MIL to come over and help by the end of it!

Let us know how it works out!

Conky3000

I'm not clear on whether she'd be coming from out of town or if she lives nearby. If she's coming from out of town and would have to stay with you, then I think your husband needs to call her and cancel or at least push her visit back a bit. I agree that this is your husband's responsibility and your MIL should hold no blame for accepting. He needs to take care of it diplomatically and let her know how much you appreciate her willingness to help but maybe it's not the best time.

If she lives nearby, could she visit for a few hours here and there to help? Totally agree with previous comments that "help" should mean dishes, laundry, cleaning, whatever you need...not holding the baby while you do all that crap (unless she's holding the baby while you have a nap).

Help would be appreciated by me, but I would NOT want a live-in guest. Even if said guest is there to help, it puts extra pressure and stress on you having to accommodate her and not have your alone time to adjust, particularly in a small space.

lcq5504

skruhmin said:

I'm going to come at this from a BTDT approach with some assumptions.  I'm assuming she's going to be there to help.  Accept the help.  Your job is to stay in bed for 1-2 weeks to heal and bond with baby.  The toll on your body is incredible and you will need that time for rest.  Let your MIL help out - have her cook, do laundry, clean.  That's the helper's job. 

I will say he should have talked to you beforehand.  Hopefully he missed that step because he's so excited about his child coming into the world. 

This.

I agree that he should've discussed it with you prior, and yes, it is absolutely your time OP. I was simply trying to see his side of it (which you gave no info about), but it was also from an assumptive, btdt pov.

Definitely did not mean to offend anyone, just sharing my thoughts as OP requested them.

crosas15

CowflopBINGO said:

Hey everyone. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive, but my fiancé told me recently that he had invited his mother to stay with us for a few days after our baby is born in March.

His mom isn't by any means an intrusive presence to me whatsoever, but we have a small house, and I already know that personal space is going to be a big necessity for me after I come home from the hospital and have to be dealing with bleeding, possibly healing from an episiotomy, breastfeeding issues, etc. Personal things that I'd rather she not be present for as I'm struggling to overcome them with the man whose child I just delivered.

And that's another thing. I feel like those first few days home are going to be very important for US to bond during. Just the two of us. In private. He's only taking two weeks off from work after I deliver, and I'd like that time to spent alone, with just me.

I'm not by any means opposed to having visitors that come, stay for a couple of hours, and then leave...but I don't want a third person crammed into what is going to be an even smaller living space once we bring this baby home.

I don't know. I'm really offended that he didn't discuss this with me before inviting her, I'm offended that she accepted his invitation without pushing him to talk to me first, and I'm just generally displeased with having someone in my personal living space at a time when I'm going to need it most. Important point: This is my second baby (my first is 7 now), and not to make it sound like I'm an expert when it comes to newborns, but I don't need that "supportive mother-in-law" presence the way I may have the first time around.

Thoughts?

I see where you are coming from you don't sound ungrateful at all. Sit down and talk with your significant other let him know you truely appreciate him wanting to have someone help you but that you would like some bonding time just between you guys and that you don't feel comfortable yet with post partum issues around your mother in law. I myself am having this issue with my husband but with in law visitors. The last baby born his family was 4 months ago and his niece had people visiting for as long as 3 hours and taking pictures of the baby and posting on social media#nightmare. Just like you i want to bond with my child and since i am first time mom i don't feel comfortable having a bunch a people around when i am breastfeeding etc. (Hubby comes from family of 10 :0)

crosas15

.

flowerpower5838

@lcq5504 Not having the same opinion and offending people are two very different things!! I don't necessarily agree with you, but you certainly caused me (nor OP) no offense

2-Step

I want to add that I totally agree with pper that said everyone's idea of "help" is different. My MIL means very well and always tries to help, but she is also very disorganized and often tries to be overly helpful when she visits to the point where it just makes everything more complicated and stressful on us. Usually I overlook it and let her help, but when you are healing, learning to BF and bond with new baby it is certainly a time to think about your own needs and there is no reason you should feel selfish for doing so. It's not like you are saying she can never come and help with the baby for the next year, its a week or two. Having a newborn is hard and you don't want to be left with resentment over your first week with your baby. Also, dealing with another person's thoughts, ideas and feelings when trying to learn something new can be stressful. I love my MIL dearly, but that doesn't mean she is particularly helpful, even if she is trying to be.

lcq5504

flowerpower5838 said:

@lcq5504 Not having the same opinion and offending people are two very different things!! I don't necessarily agree with you, but you certainly caused me (nor OP) no offense

Synnovus

flowerpower5838 said:

@lcq5504 Not having the same opinion and offending people are two very different things!! I don't necessarily agree with you, but you certainly caused me (nor OP) no offense

This is so true! I sign this

jenniferamcooper

I can empathize so much. I'm not sure you're living arrangements @CowflopBINGO but we live in a small flat and guests are a nightmare. Anyone who lives in a larger space might not understand the intrusion house guests are. When we're at our best we LOVE guests but post-partum would be very stressful.

If your MIL is the helpful type who lives close by maybe ask her to come for an afternoon once a week and then stay once your husband goes back to work. I don't agree with other PPs 3 is a bit of a crowd and its really hard to go to solo parenting two weeks after birth. You likely really could use her help then. I'm sure she'll understand. If she lives far away (ie plane ride) this could be a tough situation. She'll likely want to see her grand baby right away (can you blame her?) is it possible to arrange her to stay with other family and friends so she can be "pop by helpful" maybe run errands like groceries/laundry without being in your space 24/7.

Good luck and hopefully you can navigate without too many hurt feelings.

irenewslee

If it's only going to be a few days, maybe it won't be so bad after all.  Yes everyone's definition of "help" is different so this really depends on your MIL and maybe you kind of know already what that means.  If your MIL lives far away from you, it's likely that she is just very excited and wanting to meet your LO as well.  My in laws stayed with us during the first week with DD and it really wasn't so bad.  I got to take naps during the day while they played with DD.  They volunteered to take night shifts but we kindly rejected that offer (not like they could breastfeed anyway). They also cooked every meal for us.  Yes it is uncomfortable having them there and I would just hide in my room and watched TV when I don't feel like socializing with them.  

But if you really prefer to have her come a little later, then just tell your hubby.  Make him call his mom and tell her nicely that it would be good if she can come a little later.  My in laws drove 6 hours while I was in labor to make sure they can see the baby the day she was born.  I know they meant well so I didn't say anything.  Good luck to you!

jesspomales

I think the point is, if you're feeling more stress imagining her there, even if it is "to help", then it's not for you. I think you should ask your fiancé to ask her to come after he returns to work so that you get that time with him but if it doesn't work out that way, without being rude, just do what you need to do to take care of baby and to recover and rest. Will your older child be with you? That also makes a difference. Wish you the best mama!

amyid

My family lives on the other side of the world.. I'm secretly happy that I won't have to deal with my mom and MIL fighting for new babies attention post delivery and my mom will arrive to stay for 2 weeks approx 3-4 weeks after my due date. I just had an unexpected major surgery and was in hospital for a month, my mom flew over and stayed for 2 weeks and although I was in hospital, she was a great help and has cleaned my entire house, organized, and redecorated for me as I'm out on total bed rest now until baby arrives. It's a hard situation you are faced with, I think it's important to spend those first few moments and days as a new family away from others and distractions ( not to mention tons of other people who can be sick and or unvaccinated )

shakeweights

My husband told his mom that she could come stay with us the first week while he was on the phone with her and in the background (I'm sure she heard me) I said, "NO NO NO - She can come the 2nd week! That first week is only for our family and that's it." I don't care if she was offended or not. I know she intends to help, but take it from me. My mom came the 2nd week after my daughter was born and said she was going to 'help'. All she did was cook. Which yes, that helped, but she made me feel so stressed out while she was there and I burst out crying one day and told her I needed to get away from her for a minute. She didn't help with laundry...and I just asked her to carry my dirty laundry downstairs to the basement for me so I could run the washer and dryer (since she didn't know how to use it) and she made comments like, "What, are you waiting for you husband to come home to do your dishes?" Which...I was, because he told me not to worry about them and that he'd take care of things after getting home from work. It was very stressful, especially since I was still on a weight restriction and was supposed to just relax and put my feet up and work on nursing my child, which was also very stressful because she didn't take to it. Anyway, my point is, I don't blame you for wanting the first week with just your family because there will be a lot to get used to and you don't need anyone else involved telling you (or suggesting to you) what you should or shouldn't be doing. Maybe ask for a week to yourselves and then she can come the second week. And don't be afraid to ask her to do things. I've already told my MIL that if she is going to stay with us, that I will need her help with things like laundry and dishes and she was very receptive to it (we have a pretty good relationship) and she has already asked what kind of food we want to have so she can start cooking and freezing. I think it can be such a blessing, but it can also be a huge burden.

tJaffe

We're looking forward to my mom coming to take care of house and me! We did have to deal with DH's brother and his wife because they wanted to come visit the same time as his mom... And we're viewing coming down to visit as a total vacation, boating included. I put a stop to that nonsense despite the fact that it made me look like a bitch, but I honestly can't understand how ppl can expect FTPs to be in vacation mode and go boating with a 3-4 week old baby... It's crazy.

Kellyim10

I totally had to deal with this too and think that your partner needs to call his mother back and clarify that his mother can come after you have that initial time to yourselves.  We've been trying to have a baby for 5 years and my MIL has always said that she would come help, particularly since my own mother is chronically ill and can't travel. I decided awhile ago that I wanted a couple of weeks for us alone as a little family and for me to recover and figure out breastfeeding without an audience. My MIL is great in many ways, but can also be a bit overbearing.

I told DH he needed to clarify that with her, but when the perfect opportunity arose when we were visiting the in laws for Christmas, he didn't do it. Which i got in his case about afterwards. So I had to have the conversation with her and I told her I so appreciate her willingness to drop everything and come help us, but I would like a couple of weeks for us with baby and then she can come. I was worried she would be offended, but she seemed okay and told me to just let her know when we need her.

GabrielsMommy2016

Have you asked her what her definition of "helping" is?