Inspiration needed...am I crazy?

pascorra

Hi ladies -

So today was all about dealing with the financial side of our upcoming IVF cycle...and while we are very lucky to have the finances at hand to do this...I just got home and feel very blue and sad.

As I was going to the grocery store I kept on asking myself...why are you feeling this way?! You should be excited at the new potential possibility of getting pregnant. But the deep truth is that I am not. What I feel coming up is fear of failing again, money lost and just thinking it's not going to work for me. I know that my attitude needs to change, and it will... But I just have doubts....and hate to be in this space all over again.

I thought I had let go of our last failed cycle. I guess I have not.

I see mom's on street with screaming children and I think, do I really want that..is my life now not enough? Then a baby smiles at me and my heart melts...I look at my husband and see how incredible he is...and I just wish to see his gorgeous eyes on our child.

Am I crazy? One of my New Years resolution is to let the universe take care of the details and just focus on my part...but the details, doubts and fears are all I can think about now. This will be our last cycle, we both decided it's no way to live a life...we have each other, and I guess I have already in some way preparing myself for failure.

Please help me not to feel this way? Any uplifting stories would really help. I don't want to initiate this cycle with this weight.

riveridgional

I don't have an inspiring story as I didn't do IVF (I was on my last shot before it), but I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and a defense mechanism. You're definitely not crazy! I was positive my last chance didn't work and during my 2ww really started questioning whether I was just meant to live and enjoy my life with DH. We do have an incredible life and that was so easy to overlook while dealing with IF. I started regretting how I let IF affect me and change me and how, looking back, those 1.5+ years were full of tears and worry instead of living life and loving my single time with DH. I think that, when I was thinking all that, I knew I needed a mental and emotional break, and I was really starting to look forward to it.

I would maybe just try to shift your thoughts into that you do really want this to work (you know you do; otherwise you wouldn't have done everything you've already done), but if it doesn't [remember all the things that will make it okay]. Alternatively, have you taken a break from your last cycle, or do you think you need a month or two of a mental/emotional break? I really think the self-preservation/defense mechanism is kicking in and once you get more into the process the excitement will come back! It's a really overwhelming process, especially due to the cost!

Best of luck to you!

suchaglencoco

***BFP, child, losses mentioned***

Honey, you are not crazy and you are definitely not alone! Infertility is a terrible, hard, painful, emotional, mentally draining process and it is completely normal to question if it is all worth it. All of us have had our days or even weeks of doubts, fear, and confusion. And PP is right, you are doing what a lot, if not all of us, are doing or have done- putting up a defense mechanism in case it doesn't work out in the end. Who wouldn't do that?

We got married and thought "we're ready to have kids, lets make a baby!" It all seems so easy- just do the deed when you should be ovulating and that's it. It also seemed like everyone else had no issue getting pregnant so why should we? Fast forward some time that included an early loss, too many rounds of clomid, an OB that wasn't being aggressive enough or treating me correctly, meetings with our RE, 2 failed IUI's and then finally a round of IVF. That was our last resort so it had to work, right? Well it did but it ended in a loss, again. All of the time, money, emotions, and physical pain for basically nothing. We were devastated.
Every new step that came in our struggle, DH would tell me "it's up to you. It's your body that is going through this every month. If you want to do this, we will do it and I will support you. If you can't handle it, I support that too and I will love you no matter what you decide." I would have the exact thoughts you did- especially the "what if it/I fail?" It was a terrible feeling, the back and forth. I'd cry in the shower. I'd second guess every decision I made. I didn't know if I could handle another let down. I didn't know if I could do another injection or u/s or even drive to the doctor's office.
Luckily, after our IVF loss, my body had to reset itself and it took a couple of months. Those months off were amazing! There was no weight on my shoulders, no meds to remember to take, we weren't constantly discussing the infertility- it was like our lives were back to normal and we were just husband and wife. Then the time came to make a choice. We decided to take the next step and do FET and if it didn't work, we'd figure something out. We began to look at adoption agencies in the area to try and see what we would need to do. I went into the FET cycle so much more relaxed than I had been in years. I was upbeat, excited and a lot less stressed than I was with our first IVF cycle. We did the transfer, had our first beta and found out we were expecting again and it was twins. We were all cautiously optimistic. A couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I had a severe bleed and thought for sure I was having another loss. Luckily, it turned out to be a bleed near the babies and they should be fine. The bleed went away and 2 weeks later I had another large bleed and again figured we were losing them. Thankfully, I was wrong. I ended up having a roller coaster of a pregnancy and tonight as I type this, I get to watch my mom hold my 1 month old son as my DH has our 1 month old daughter asleep in his arms. It was all completely worth it. I would do it all again twice over for this result.

Sometimes, you just need a mental break and some time to reconnect with yourself and your husband. At first, I was upset we couldn't jump back into it all, but it was definitely for the best. Perhaps that is something you need to do? Just take some time and reset. 
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope others respond with some uplifting stories or some more support so you know how not alone you are. I hope you link up with others in this group who are on the same timeline as your next cycle and gain support from one another. I unfortunately didn't get very involved in the Bump until after I was into my 2nd trimester and I wish I would have done it a lot sooner and gotten support from these amazing ladies.
Good luck on your journey. 

 

tvh1982

Hello sweety, you are so definitely not crazy.
Like both women above me wrote, its a self defence mechanism. Which we all put up as we hoped so many times without succeeding.
I don't have a happily after story just yet, but I can sympathize with your feeling.
Some days I walk to training and I think...do I want to give all of this up? My freedom. For 33 years, its just been me I had to think about. Am I nuts for doing this? Is it worth the trouble, the exhaustion, the tears?
But then a thought pops up that I do want that sweet little baby, that exploring little toddler, that oh-do-get-ready-(s)he'll-look-like-you teenager, and it is worth it.
I had one month off in December after my first IVF, which was so incredible intense. The clinic was ready to start a new cycle, but I needed a break.
Clear my head, give my body a rest, sleep, eat junk food, no injections, no pills, no ultrasounds, no nothing...and that was a great month.
Now I'm back to start my FET on Monday and I haven't been this relaxed since last year. People comment on how good and fresh I look, my acupuncturist ( I hate needles, but she makes me fall asleep!) told me how relaxed I am. And I feel good. Yes I am nauseous from the oestrogen, but I am ready to do this.
So take your time, have a little breather if you need too, its completely ok to take a break from it all if it is needed.
And definitely do not beat yourself up for feeling how you do, nobody (and definitely not you) will gain from you feeling like you can't feel a certain way.
Good luck on your journey x

oxinfree

@pascorra - try not to judge yourself for having those feelings. While I agree its important to think positively, we are all human, and ultimately will have our doubts. Our own individual past experiences have taught us that these efforts may not (or we feel like WON'T) result in a positive outcome or reward, so of course it's going to be difficult to assume the same ingredients will have a different outcome and dish out the cash for it. When you start judging yourself for having these natural thoughts, you're only putting more necessary pressure on yourself. Let yourself feel sad some days, but try and think that although I'm feeling this way, I know that _____ and use positive affirmations such as the one you mentioned of allowing the universe to take care of you. 

Some good positive affirmations. And if you feel uncomfortable saying them out loud, close your eyes and actively think them in your head. Some links in case anyone is interested in trying (I often make up my own dependent on how I am feeling). 

https://natural-fertility-info.com/affirmations-for-fertility-changing-your-thoughts-to-help-change-your-fertility.html
https://natural-fertility-info.com/ivf-affirmations.html
https://natural-fertility-info.com/creating-positive-affirmations.html

It's so hard this emotional rollercoaster. Know that each and every one of us feels that way at  some point or another. I'm right there with you at the moment and actively working through it as I gear up to another cycle. Big hugs to you. 

TheLabyrinth

I completely relate to what you're talking about.  We have been fortunate that the money is not a stressor (though that doesn't mean I love it), nor have I had any bad responses to the drugs or procedures, and we both have flexible enough jobs that allow us to go to appointments.  That being said, it wears on you to hear over and over that it's going to work and it doesn't.  I'll never forget the first doctor (not RE) that wrote me a prescription for Clomid and told me I'll have be pregnant in three months.  Or being told that everything looks brilliant in my U/S and my SO's swimmers before IUIs.  And now, even after doing a round of IVF, seeing all the eggs and ending up with only 2 mature ones and 1 embryo.  It's depressing to put all this time and money and effort and have nothing to show yet.

All that being said, it's so important to just feel those feelings and have a support network.  I think saying it out loud has made me feel better and get past the negative feelings.  It's totally normal!  I keep reminding myself that if I end up with a baby in the end, all this frustration would have been worth it.  If in the end it doesn't work out, I'll definitely be disappointed, but I love the life I have now too.  If kids aren't going to be a part of it, there are other options too.  For now I will be positive about my single little Han Solo and see what happens!

Good luck!!

mskeenan

You are not alone in your feelings at all. Since I've undergone treatment my emotions have been all over the map. After one of my cycles when I was waiting for my beta results I just had this feeling like I didn't even want a child. I felt so horrible and guilty that I could feel that way after putting so much effort and money into getting pregnant. I felt like I was betraying my husband for feeling that way. Looking back, as people have said, I was protecting myself. It's natural for you to have these emotions... nobody is positive all the time during this and if they are I don't think they are being honest with themselves. After my head was in a really bad place, I took a two month break from treatments before I started up again. I needed that break to re group and think about things other than babies and pregnancy. I even avoided friends that I knew would be talking about getting pregnant bc I just couldn't handle it. After two months of a break, I feel so much better. I've been having fun, getting back into my old hobbies and reconnecting with my husband. Maybe you just do need a break to re group. Maybe you don't. Just do what feels right. But whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You are one tough cookie! I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

2015dee

@pascorra - I feel the same way from time to time. If I am being completely honest with myself, I desperately want a family. I always have. I love children. When the road gets tough, I often find myself trying to convince myself that I don't really want this. I think about ways that children could negatively impact me and my husband's life. And there is some truth to the fact that there are some negative consequences of having children (e.g., less time for the marriage, finances, etc.). In reality though, I know, at least for me, the benefits and joy of having children will FAR outweigh any negatives. As others have suggested, I think I start trying to convince myself that I don't really want a family to make the infertility hurt less. I think that what you're going through is completely normal, even though it is so difficult!

pascorra

Ladies, I am so grateful for your words of wisdom. Each of you is an inspiration! I feel so much better and hopeful today. Had a long talk with DH last night and he basically said the same thing. To be clear, we did take a break after the first IVF loss...Nov and Dec were great! Now these fears are raising up because we are moving ahead again.

I am going to try to enjoy the process and just be positive. My husband said, why be miserable from the start? Let's try to enjoy this new chance...and he is right.

I just know that in order to do that, I have to be honest with myself and allow myself to recognize negative emotions and release them.

This is a fantastic circle of support!!!

KidShrink

This certainly is a great group! And we've all been there. In the spring, I went through 3 meds and TI cycle (DH was doing great, so no reason to do IUI, at least not to start. However, despite great response to the meds, no BFP in sight. The RE has mentionned from the get go trying 3 cycles and doing a hysteroscopy if it hadn't worked because he suspected something. I decided to go through with it, but he had a 2-3 month wait. We were offered to do one more cycle in the meantime, but I refused. I knew I needed that surgery (which also rnded up with a laparoscopy on top of the hysteroscopy) and I couldn't handle any more disappointment in such a short period of time. We went to Italy for our wedding anniversary/DH's birthday and had the time of our life. My surgery was set for the following week. I broke down in my RE's office the day before the surgery. I was afraid he was going to ruin my uterus and make me unable to ever have kids of my own. I had the surgery, and two problems were found and fixed. I just had to cross my fingers for the better, but we had also decided to be more aggressive with treatment to increase our chances. And it worked the first time around. And then I freaked out and had those crazy 'is this what I really wanted?!' thoughts! I couldn't believe my own thoughts. I went from planning to do 2 IUIs, then going away for a week as a break until an IVF cycle, and if I wasn't pregnant by the end of the year, we were to start the adoption process this month. And we were going to go visit a friend in Australia this winter. All of this because I was assuming the worst. When I finally got my BFP, I peed on a ridiculous (and I mean RIDICULOUS!) amount of tests, because I was afraid it'd go away, it wouldn't work, and somehow my uterus wouldn't be able to sustain a pregnancy and I'd end up with a loss on top of everything else. IF makes us all a little crazy, and that's why sometimes taking a step back is important. That's also why groups like this are amazing. I'm now 24 weeks along with our little guy, feeling him move and all. But you know what, I still have crazy thoughts! He had been kicking less the past few days, so I panicked a little and reached out for my doppler, just so I could hear his sweet little heart beat. Obviously, all was fine, and today I think he was taking his sweet revenge for mommy worrying.

Best of luck with your IVF cycle. I hope it all goes well and you finally get your BFP. Don't hesitate to reach out if you feel down!

AandDM2014

I agree with the others that you are not crazy. Just today I was thinking to myself "am I even going to be excited about getting pregnant and having a baby?" And my honest answer today is no, F getting pregnant and F babies. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. Maybe not. But I will keep moving forward with this process because I know that either my next FET will work, or the one after that will work, or it'll just be me and the DH, which I've already come to accept as a very real possibility. I wish you the best of luck in your next round of treatment!