Husband Jacking off

brianavance129

So the other night my husband and I were heading home from a friend's baby shower. When we stopped at a truck stop so that I could pee he bought some porn. Well later that night he started jacking off while I was in bed next to him. I was in the mood, and I feel so insecure about my body. This incident is causing me to feel very depressed... I can't even look at myself in the mirror without crying. How do you feel about this?

*Yes, I have talked to him about this in the past. He knows it makes me uncomfortable.

herbie0220

Ugh, that's gotta be rough. I'm sorry. The only thing I can think of is that maybe that's his way of dealing with the stress of change. No excuse, just trying to find some insight into the problem. I can only suggest leveling with him and maybe trying to explain another way about how this is bothering you. I'm sorry though, I can't imagine that's easy.

carrieandbabybean

Oh no.  I'm sorry.  Of course that makes you feel unwanted - as if he'd rather do it himself than take pleasure in you!  My husband seems disinterested in sex altogether lately (could also be stress) but I don't know if he's taking care of himself outside my presence.  I imagine seeing it, like you are, would feel worse. 

Our hormones are off the charts and we are feeling more and more insecure about how we look.  I even get mad if my husband looks at what I think might be a relatively unattractive lady for too long!  Sigh.  I don't know what else you might do besides encourage him again that you really are interested and it would help you feel better to be intimate rather than watch him take care of himself.  Would he go to counseling?  Maybe he would better understand your feelings if you had a referee.  Hoping things get better for you.

P.S.  You ARE beautiful.  You are growing a human! 

Tawny87

Occasionally my hubby will have to go take care of an urge, he just quietly goes and takes care of it in the bathroom. I would try to figure out what the root of the issue is, maybe he doesn't want to hurt you or baby? If he will not stop maybe he can be sensitive to your feelings and be discreet about it.

vulpini

Try not to take it personally. Masturbation is not a replacement for sex. Sometimes it's just a quick way to de-stress a bit or even to deal with insomnia. Maybe he thought you were asleep and didn't want to wake you. Maybe he's afraid to hurt you or the baby. Talk to him about how you feel about your body and what you need sexually/physically in your relationship right now. Hopefully he'll open up about his feelings too.

Huskerfanz

Did he know you were awake and in the mood?  Is it the porn that bothers you or the masturbation?  Or both?

Grapes13

Personally I would be really ticked about this. But not everyone feels the same as me. I am also very honest with my husband so he would know immediately that I was not okay with it, and why. I think it's up to you on how you feel about porn and about your husband masturbating while you are right there- but you should be honest and upfront about it. Every marriage is different as every person is different. If you haven't discussed these topics with you DH before, now is the time. And it's always good to ask how he's feeling about sex and his reasons behind his actions. Staying calm and trying to express your feelings without pointing a finger to the other person is always the best way to approach these situations, in my opinion!

Pregnancy can make us all feel insecure with our bodies, I know I have to give myself grace when I look at myself. I try to remember this is a short time in my life and my body is doing this crazy awesome thing. And I remind myself of how hard I'm going to work to get my body back once baby arrives. Try to go easy on yourself! Tell your DH how you feel, sometimes they need to know so that they can remind you that they think you are gorgeous/sexy or whatever! Sometimes I flat out tell my husband I need to hear encouragement about my pregnant body! Haha, but he's usually pretty good about that on his own. He just knows it helps me to hear it

I hope that was helpful! And I hope you two have a open conversation about this!

Emztron500

Masturbation is not a replacement for sex. Virtually all men will do both even if they're having all the sex they want. That said, personally I think it's only polite to be discreet about it! In the shower, in the bathroom, after you go to bed...and I think it's totally reasonable to say "hey, it's totally awkward when you do this right in front of me unless you plan to involve me." Maybe he even thought that doing it in front of you would cause you to make a move and was disappointed by being ignored...? Who knows. You gotta talk to him. And make it known that you would still very much like to have sex with him. He might think you don't want him to or that he shouldn't.

Lyette1206

So, there are times when I just want to masterbate and not to deal with pleasuring my husband. I guess just a quick release when I'm feeling it, but not in the mood for sex. BUT I would never do it in front of my husband, and will wait til I have a private moment. I also know that he masterbates occasionally, but he does it in the shower. I'm fine with that, not sure I would be if he was right beside me. Maybe it's time to have a conversation about respectful boundaries?

mrsschmity

The fact that you said you've talked to him about this before and made your feelings known is what would irritate me. I have no problem with porn nor masturbation. When DH was in the military that was just part of life until we were back under the same roof. We watch porn together sometimes, and if one of us isn't home, go for it. However, if we are both in the same house I would expect him to come to me first vs going straight for the porn, and vice versa. And he knows this. If it happened on multiple occasions, I would feel very hurt if he were to choose porn over the real thing when it's readily available.

Normally I wouldn't say anything about porn or masturbation, because like I said DH and I are very open about it. In your situation, I would try and get to the root of the issue. If you haven't already, ask him why he felt the need to pleasure himself when you were right there. Maybe he's scared to hurt the baby? Who knows, but it's worth a conversation with him.

TunieBee

I get the need to masturbate...but with your partner in the bed? Uhhh nooo.

mkemommy

Did you say anything to him when he bought the porn?  What did you say to him when he started masturbating beside you?  If you didn't say anything, why not?  Did you let him know you were in the mood?  What do you find uncomfortable (the porn? him masturbating? him masturbating beside you?)? If you have had these discussions before, what does he say in response?  

I'm asking all of these questions because I agree with PP that you should be having an open conversation with your spouse.  If you are ready willing and able (and you let him know that in the moment) and he is choosing porn over you, I would consider that a problem you need to get to the bottom of.  Like others have asked, is he worried about hurting the baby?  

I know most of us likely feel unattractive at times and uncomfortable since we are literally changing shape but I'm sure your spouse is still very attracted to you.  Talk to him.   

HBamama2B

I think we need more info from OP.

lm45678

HBamama2B said:

I think we need more info from OP.

I agree. Were you just sitting next to each other in bed and he started jerking off? If so I would a) be livid and b) have told him to have sex with me instead.

I'm having a hard time picturing this. Can you elaborate, OP?

tjenkins528

This is the only thing that keeps popping up in my head.. 

I'd be so mad - I'd just look at DH and say "need some help or do you want me to give you some privacy"

Knottie44691675

I definitely agree with PP that everyone and their comfort level with porn and masturbation is different. I personally would not be okay with my husband watching porn which we've talked about and he doesn't feel the need too. After reading this thread I also asked my husband if he's masturbated by himself lately and it's always with me involved. I wouldn't have a problem per say with him doing it by himself but it's nice to feel wanted. I think that's also what this comes down to, feeling sexy and wanted by your husband, which you absolutely deserve! I know you said you've talked about it before but I hope he can be more understanding to your wants and feelings when you feel ready to talk about it again with him. Unfortunately, if you keep it to yourself and things aren't moving in a positive direction they'll probably only get worse over time.

CourtJack

They sell porn at truck stops?

mrsschmity

CourtJack said:

They sell porn at truck stops?

They sell everything at truck stops these days

Knottie3146640

I can sympathize here, as I've had a similar situation happen with my husband. I think it's insensitive that he did it right next to you -- when you've told him it bothers you. I would tell him how insecure & unattractive you've felt lately. Maybe that will at least reassure you that you're beautiful, & working hard to create a human. ❤️ Keep your head up.

meggyme

CourtJack said:

They sell porn at truck stops?

My reaction was "Who buys porn DVDs anymore?"

CourtJack

meggyme said:

They sell porn at truck stops?

My reaction was "Who buys porn DVDs anymore?"

Yes this also! Hello internet?  And then that begs the question - did he just put a porn on their tv in their room and go at it? So many QUESTIONS!

dennyandlee

@brianavance129 can you give more info? Looking like a post and ghost up in here... These ladies are trying to offer support and... Where are you?

CourtJack

denny+lee said:

@brianavance129 can you give more info? Looking like a post and ghost up in here... These ladies are trying to offer support and... Where are you?

Maybe they've solved their issue and they're too busy doin' it?

hellomommas

Porn and/or masturbation is a no-go for us...not by my demand, as some would assume... but initiated by my husband. Several men in my family have struggled with years of a porn addiction and have all come out of it realizing that the porn industry is a dark and awful world. OP, not sure if you and your husband are open to that discussion to cut out porn completely but pornkillslove.com is a great resource with really great info. most people take porn at the face value of pleasure and don't consider the consequences behind it- for the girls and guys acting, for the men and women watching, the relationships involved etc.

If you are bored/want to be enlightened- watch "Hot girls wanted" on Netflix (there are others as well)... It's a documentary about girls who enter the porn industry and feel that they can't get out at the age of 18. (They feel "wanted" and "beautiful" because of their followers, they make WAY more money than they would at a restaurant at age 18 waitressing, they get free drugs, etc). It sets them on a track to stay in this life for years, constantly trying to stay "sexually relevant" by doing edgier/ more violent sexual things in their videos, having plastic surgery after surgery to be the ideal image if a woman, etc. It is made clear in the documentary how the porn industry is spreading sexual issues like wildfire---from dissatisfaction in REAL life relationships, increases in rape, the desire for more and more violent sex, desire for younger and younger girls, involvement in human-trafficking, etc. Not to mention- STDS, abortions, infertility related to the diseases incurred by these men and women having countess sexual partners, etc.

Just a couple examples from the video:

A "family friend" of the teen girls parents (around age 40) is coincidently home alone with the girl who is SUPPOSED to be underage (she is legally of age but in the video she is told that it's good she has smaller boobs because it makes her LOOK younger). They somehow end up on her bed. The director tells the man to start touching her and tells the girl to "look uncomfortable- like he is doing things to you that you are unsure about- but don't say "no" outright... Your silence is like little "yes's" to everything he does to you."

!!!!??! Can anyone else see how this plays into the sick crap that goes on in our real lives!? How many girls are molested because of videos like this!?

Another video shows a man being a peeping tom and spying through a "teenage" girl's bedroom window. She sees him and opens the door and says "what are you doing!?"--- "aren't you going to come in here and finish what you started?"-invites him in for a blow job.

Now imagine! There are men that watch that and seriously start thinking that THAT scenario could be real. Men that watch these scenarios day after day cannot separate fiction from reality after it rewires their minds. ANOTHER EYE-OPENING thing to watch related to porn: TED BUNDY reveals in His final interview before being executed that porn is what caused his mind to spiral toward the rape/murder of so many women.

As far as masturbation goes--- we ultimately agreed it's not beneficial to our relationship--- taking it out of the equation motivates both of us to find fulfillment only in each other on a regular basis because we aren't gettin' any elsewhere! It makes us stay aware and creative to the other persons needs. It's just a personal choice we have made for the better of our relationship because of specific aspects of our private history. Obviously everyone has very personal reasons why they do or don't do private things... So don't read this as a judgement call on others.

The porn thing though- please educate yourself like I accidentally did by watching that documentary--- and know the REALness behind the fake videos.

HBamama2B