Maiden Names -- Hyphenate? Middle name? Drop completely?

catherinekate

I kept my maiden name after we got married. Now that we're expecting, I'm wondering what the rest of you ladies who kept your maiden name are doing. I would prefer not to hyphenate, but I also don't want my maiden name relegated to just a middle name. My husband is great and doesn't care at all what last names we give our children. I'm an only child and my last name will die with me (no cousins on my Dad's side), so to speak. No one in my family has pressured me on that front, but I do feel some guilt. What is everyone else doing? I'm having a hard time with this decision.

scotten

I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married, but mine also dies with my sisters and me. I'm the oldest, and the only one having children right now (maybe ever). I feel some pressure to use it as a middle name if we have a boy, however it really doesn't go well with my married last name. I almost feel like I'm letting someone down by not continuing the name!

I don't have much advice for you, other than I understand that guilt you feel!

Emztron500

Personally I dropped my name completely for the kids and just went with DH's name. However, I come from a large family and there are several nieces/nephews with my last name, whereas DH is the only son in his family so our kids are the only ones with the name continued. I can't honestly say I considered that when making the choice, but I can see how you might be sad about not using yours at all in your situation.

I have several friends who also kept their maiden names and all of them hyphenated the kids' names.

Linsbins

Both of my friends who kept their last names ended up changing them after baby because it became important for them to all have the same last name. There's no right or wrong answer here. However, I am glad that my husbands parents gave him one last name (mil kept her maiden name) because I don't want to be mrs two last names.

huskypuppy14

I kept my own name when I got married. Our child will have my husband's last name, but I want to give my last name as the baby's middle name. I don't like hyphenated names for myself because I have a 12 letter last name and my husband has a 8 letter last name. A 20 letter last name for our kid is just not feasible!

TwoBadMice

I posted about have 4 names on another thread, my mom is kind of a feminist and hyphenated my name with out telling my dad. He was cool about her having a hyphenated last name but he's sore about it to this day. As far as how my life was with a hyphenated last name, it was very confusing to EVERYONE I came in contact with. It's a pain in the ass honestly.

arteduc8

I wanted to keep my maiden name in some form when I got married, so I changed it to my middle name. Obviously it's not something being passed down, but it is another option.

cdnvb4

I kept my maiden name but we gave our son (and will give this next son) DH's last name. I have two brothers who will pass along my last name, though, so my situation is slightly different than yours. If I had to choose between hyphenation and using your last name as your child's middle name, I would probably go with the latter. Hyphenated last names seem like a hassle, especially if one or both names are long. If it really matters to you to pass along your last name and you are planning on having more than one child, could you pass your name to one child and your DH's to another? Having multiple last names within one family unit is getting more common (as blended families become more common), so I would imagine that the practical issues with this would be minimal. 

HBamama2B

I am the only one in my family having children, including among all cousins, so the last name is over this generation. It's been really hard on my Uncle and Dad realizing there would be no more of their 'line' but it's also not a rare last name. For a while I felt a lot of pressure to hyphenate or just use my last name for a second boy, but DH is adamant they all have the same last name and I agree. I did her from my uncle that it's great that it's a boy, but too bad it wasn't my brother or his son having a baby boy so the name would live on. Can't help you there uncle!

At the end, I came to, yes it's sad, but not something I'm willing to divide my family over. DH's last name is rarer and this will be the first baby with the last name this generation (he has a younger brother who may have a boy someday but no male cousins) so his side is very excited. I agree it's really difficult. I've decided not to use my last name as a middle since it wouldn't really fulfill my dad and Uncle's wants anyway and doesn't go well with DH last name, but I am using my uncles first name as the baby's middle since it's also my grandfather's name. That way he has something from my side. Hope this helps, but it's mostly just a you're not alone response.

Rosehip15

I kept my last name.  It's a beautiful, and fairly uncommon, name & it's just me.  My older two have their father's last name (my ex), and this baby will have my DH's last name.  My DH is the last of his name, and it's a pretty big deal to him to pass it along (if this baby is a girl, there's going to be big time pressure on me to go for #4).  I can tell you that having different last names in a family (now three) has never been an issue at all.  No one is confused.  Yes, I get called Mrs kids' last name or DH's last name every so often, but that's totally fine. 

As far as continuing the name, I suppose I would go with a middle name - pretty common to see surnames as middle names.  No one really knows what to do with hyphens, in my experience, and usually people end up getting called by just one of the last names.

huskypuppy14

HBamama2B said:

I am the only one in my family having children, including among all cousins, so the last name is over this generation. It's been really hard on my Uncle and Dad realizing there would be no more of their 'line' but it's also not a rare last name. For a while I felt a lot of pressure to hyphenate or just use my last name for a second boy, but DH is adamant they all have the same last name and I agree. I did her from my uncle that it's great that it's a boy, but too bad it wasn't my brother or his son having a baby boy so the name would live on. Can't help you there uncle! At the end, I came to, yes it's sad, but not something I'm willing to divide my family over. DH's last name is rarer and this will be the first baby with the last name this generation (he has a younger brother who may have a boy someday but no male cousins) so his side is very excited. I agree it's really difficult. I've decided not to use my last name as a middle since it wouldn't really fulfill my dad and Uncle's wants anyway and doesn't go well with DH last name, but I am using my uncles first name as the baby's middle since it's also my grandfather's name. That way he has something from my side. Hope this helps, but it's mostly just a you're not alone response.

Ugh This makes me so mad. Glad it's a boy! Are you kidding me. Seriously, no matter what this child's last name is, it's still a member of their family. Families are made up of lots of different last names, so I don't really understand the notion of having the name live on. Women do give their baby's their name sometimes too. Also, who cares what your dad and uncle want, it's not their baby!

 I kept my name, but my child will have a different last name then all of his or her cousin's on my side because I only have sisters, and my baby will have my husband's name. They are all still family even thought they have different names. 

MynaBird

If your husband is OK with it (and it sounds like he is), there's no reason not to give your kids your last name. Some people might be confused by it, but that's their problem, not yours. Lots of moms in our social circle growing up kept their maiden names, including mine. Most used the father's last name for kids, but some used the mother's, and no one I know encountered any problems because of it. I say go for it.

WinniethePoohsPants

arteduc8 said:

I wanted to keep my maiden name in some form when I got married, so I changed it to my middle name. Obviously it's not something being passed down, but it is another option.

Ditto

Emztron500

Rosehip15 said:

I kept my last name.  It's a beautiful, and fairly uncommon, name & it's just me.  My older two have their father's last name (my ex), and this baby will have my DH's last name.  My DH is the last of his name, and it's a pretty big deal to him to pass it along (if this baby is a girl, there's going to be big time pressure on me to go for #4).  I can tell you that having different last names in a family (now three) has never been an issue at all.  No one is confused.  Yes, I get called Mrs kids' last name or DH's last name every so often, but that's totally fine. 

Just wanted to second this! It is really not a big deal. I am still part of the family :P 

huskypuppy14

Our dog has my last name

lm45678

WinniethePoohsPants said:

arteduc8 said:

I wanted to keep my maiden name in some form when I got married, so I changed it to my middle name. Obviously it's not something being passed down, but it is another option.

Ditto


Same

catherinekate

Thanks for all the wonderful advice and the interesting perspectives, ladies. 

I was following up on this conversation with my husband and I only just realized that he too is potentially the last carrier of his last name, presuming his brother doesn't have kids (he doesn't plan to afaik). 

I had never thought of this but I actually love @MynaBird's suggestion to maybe have my last name for one of our children and his last name for the other. You're absolutely right that they will know they are related--that might be a nice compromise without having to relegate either of our last names to a middle name or hyphenate, which I would prefer not to since we both have long last names.

GinnyJ2012

I kept my maiden name as my middle name and dropped that, but I didn't change it until I was pregnant with DS1. DH is the only boy in his family with his last name (though it is common) and he wanted to pass on the name. I have two brothers, one is married and just had a baby boy to pass on my maiden name. Had I been an only child to pass on my last name I'm not sure what we would have done.

Emztron500

catherinekate said:

Thanks for all the wonderful advice and the interesting perspectives, ladies. 

I was following up on this conversation with my husband and I only just realized that he too is potentially the last carrier of his last name, presuming his brother doesn't have kids (he doesn't plan to afaik). 

I had never thought of this but I actually love @MynaBird's suggestion to maybe have my last name for one of our children and his last name for the other. You're absolutely right that they will know they are related--that might be a nice compromise without having to relegate either of our last names to a middle name or hyphenate, which I would prefer not to since we both have long last names.

My cousin and his wife did this. Their first 2 kids had his last name and the 3rd has hers. Nice compromise

cmac827

I struggled with changing my last name, but ultimately changed it to my husband's. My dad passed when I was young. I have no family that's alive with the same last name except an older half sister. It bothered me that my dad's name wouldn't carry on, but when I got married I finally had family with the same last name. If I have a boy in the future, he will get my dad's middle name.