Third-Party Reproduction

New to DE....looking for advice

Hi ladies!

I have been on the infertility board for just shy of a year now and love the support given and being able to give support when needed. My husband and I are just starting our donor egg journey. My RE office had a very poor pool (5 women) currently for donation and so we are using an agency recommended by them. I wondered if those who have gone through DE can give me their thoughts on something as I know there is really no right answer.

We have found two donors (both out of state) that we like. Since DH and I are both blond hair/fair skin/light eyes, physically these were some of the attributes we found with both donors. I am struggling because the one donor who looks a lot more like me (facial structure, by far prettier than me :) ) wants an anonymous donation (fine with us) but barely wrote 3-4 word answers for her questionnaire and based on the few answers that are there comes across as superficial, aloof and if this is all the info I have to share with my children about their genetic parent, it feels lacking. She did have a good donation despite being 31 years in the summer with 23 eggs! The other women is pretty/average (more my class:)) but physically doesn't match me as well, BUT she is open to having a known donation, filled out thoughtful answers, is clearly intelligent. She is 27 and donated once before in 2014 and had 14 eggs retrieved.

When you were picking your donor....did you focus more on physical or personal qualities? 
Given what we are paying, I am sure that I can ask the first donor for some more written information, but her approach to filling out the form says a lot to me.....but does it really matter?

In the end I realize they are just sharing a bit of DNA and that the physical appearance is no guarantee (my mom is brunette 5'4, I am blond and 5'9 and really don't look like her at all)....but wanted to see what others went through in making this decision as I am torn right now.
******TW*****
Me 39 DH44
Married 8/2/14
TTC 9/14
Dx: PCOS, blocked L fallopian tube, suspect poor egg quality
MFI (low #, poor morphology)
IVF #1 9/15 Failed
IVF #2 12/15 Failed
1st DE FET  5/16-BFN :(
2nd DE FET 7/18-BFP :)
8/17 Baby HR 140/min EDD 4/6/17

Re: New to DE....looking for advice

  • I'd go w an open, more thoughtful donor . I'm no expert but I regret using an egg bank Bc I feel like if my daughter wants to reach out someday I'd like her to have that option. I made that decision for her ... It was Bc I wanted to start the process quickly and truly didn't think of it until after I was already pregnant!(duh I know) also my donor was a close physical match and my daughter doesn't resemble me . At all!! It's sucks but it happens w biological kids, too. But I wonder if it raised eyebrows. Not many people people know she is DE

    My heart is as open as the sky.
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    2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


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  • Thanks @1220winterbride I appreciate the input and I am leaning towards the donor I could relate to and if she wants to make it an open relationship then I can see the benefit to my (hopefully!) future children.

    I understand wanting to get started quickly....DH and I started discussions about DE in September after our first IVF fail, but we literally just met with our RE after our 2nd fail Wednesday and by Saturday we had made our selections, contacted and agency and set up our mandatory therapist visit. I realize in some ways it is the most important decision and in others it is sooo not (as I pointed out above I look nothing like my mom), the fact your little girl looks different than you doesn't make her any less yours. 

    So emotional this ride! It really helps to hear this advice from women who understand!
    ******TW*****
    Me 39 DH44
    Married 8/2/14
    TTC 9/14
    Dx: PCOS, blocked L fallopian tube, suspect poor egg quality
    MFI (low #, poor morphology)
    IVF #1 9/15 Failed
    IVF #2 12/15 Failed
    1st DE FET  5/16-BFN :(
    2nd DE FET 7/18-BFP :)
    8/17 Baby HR 140/min EDD 4/6/17
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  • @2legbaby. Check your inbox :)
    TTC for Baby #1 for 3 years. After 2 failed IUI's & IVFs, God blessed us with our miracle :).  FET 12/17/15 (transferred 2 embryos at 5days). First Beta 12/29/15 = 354. Second Beta 12/31/15 = 694. Third Beta 1/7/16 = 6,695.  Finally heard his heartbeat (126)  on 1/14/16 @ our 1st US.  2nd US on 1/21/16, HR was 159.  The most beautiful sound ever :) 
  • My first thought would be, is this the right donor agency for you? Although it came recommended, there are plenty of women out there with the physical features you are looking for and might be better options and plenty of good agencies. There may also be other REs who have better banks.

    Our RE had its own bank but with maybe only 30 women that were of our same race and only a handful that even had darkish hair (my one criteria). There was absolutely no one who looked like me, but I picked somebody who had a similar genetic mix (she was 50% of an ethnicity that was on the darker side). My one goal was to not make things overly complicated (like finding a private donor who was more similar, etc. and then transferring eggs to my RE). My counselor through the RE said to "go with my gut". And that was the best advice I was given. We narrowed it down to 2 and I went with my gut and have never looked back.

    It was totally anonymous, which is what I wanted. I do not feel bad about taking away the option of knowing from my child. I do hope she is somebody who doesn't really care, but I would of course guide her as best I could if the situation arises.
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!




    BabyGaga
  • Thanks so much for the advice ladies! It is good to hear what each of you went through and to know there is no perfect method or easy way of picking a donor.
     
    We had totally decided on the second "open" donor who I had connected more with and contacted the agency and verified she was available soon....the following day I got a phone call from a friend of mine who is aware of our situation. She told me about her friend (who I have actually met before) who went through infertility (male factor) for her 2nd child and had 12 eggs banked and had mentioned wanting to donate them as she felt it was very important. She talked to her friend and asked if I could call her. She is tall, blonde, green eyes like me and is beyond wonderful. She had already contacted the clinic to find out what we needed to do to get her eggs to us before our first phone call which told me she was serious and talking to her it felt like this was exactly what was supposed to happen! She has to do FDA testing and we all have to meet with a counseler (and she and her husband meet with them too) so there are always steps along the way where this could change, but having gone through this herself she feels it is so important that those healthy eggs don't just sit there frozen and is so happy to help us finish our family :smile: 


    ******TW*****
    Me 39 DH44
    Married 8/2/14
    TTC 9/14
    Dx: PCOS, blocked L fallopian tube, suspect poor egg quality
    MFI (low #, poor morphology)
    IVF #1 9/15 Failed
    IVF #2 12/15 Failed
    1st DE FET  5/16-BFN :(
    2nd DE FET 7/18-BFP :)
    8/17 Baby HR 140/min EDD 4/6/17
  • Wow. That is some serious fate playing its hand. Good luck and hope this works out!
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!




    BabyGaga
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