Stillbirth and jumping off of the hormonal cliff. Wondering how to move forward

alanna3622

Hi Ladies,

So sorry to be meeting you all here. I hope it is okay to join you on this board even though we are not yet TTC. 

I am 10 days postpartum from the delivery of my stillborn son (33 weeks, 5 days). He passed away 12+ days ago. His name was John Allan and I love him very much.

I posted my birth story here -- extreme trigger warning, as it is very detailed. https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12653084/induction-at-33-weeks-extreme-trigger-warning-update-birth-story/p1

Since then, I am facing the cold hardness of life-without-baby. We just found out that we could have known months and months ago that our son had no hope of living outside of me. I alternate between feeling enraged by that and then just plain exhausted.

I am wondering how you strong ladies managed to move forward enough to TTC, after your losses? 

I have been wandering The Bump this past week, looking for a home. I would like to stay here for a little while if that is okay. 

PeggyOlsonFTW

I am so so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. What I found helpful post-loss was surrounding myself with supportive friends who would listen, let me cry and distract me when needed, writing about it and starting a new exercise regime. 

Take as long as you need to to grieve and I strongly encourage you to talk to someone, anyone at all about your loss.

alanna3622

Thanks @PeggyOlsonFTW (love your name by the way). Can I ask how long you waited before exercising?

I have been reading a lot on this board and I really like the energy and hope and determination that seems to bubble up despite major losses. Pretty amazing.

PeggyOlsonFTW

After my d&c, I waited a week and then started training for a 10k (which I rocked!) But, if you just gave birth at 33 weeks, I'd say you should wait at least 6 weeks before exercising. I assume you have a follow up appointment with you OB where you'll get the go ahead....

alanna3622

We are meeting with OB next week to review autopsy findings. I also have a 6 week appt with her in early Feb. But I may ask her this Thursday about 1) conceiving again and 2) exercise -- I am assuming they are governed by the same factors. It sounds like each woman is different and gets different recommendations from their doctors (especially on TTC - ie, 2-3 cycles, but sometimes 6 months).

PeggyOlsonFTW

I'm pretty sure post-birth, she'll ask you to wait the full 6 weeks for both exercise and TTC, just to make sure you're physically healed. After I gave birth to DS via c-section, I had to wait 8 weeks for exercise clearance.

alanna3622

That makes sense. I am still sleeping 10-12 hours a day and not feeling restored by that sleep. I guess I have been feeling like I want to fast-track recovery.

lilyaster

I'm so sorry for your loss, @alanna3622 You will find a lot of support here.

cjt121413

@alanna3622 I'm so terribly sorry for your loss of your sweet John Allan. I read your story. I can't imagine what you must be feeling.

To cope, I have drawn a lot of strength from my spirituality and from just putting one foot in front of the other. Grief takes time and seems to come in waves.

Lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Post-partum hormones are so tough on top of your great loss. Ask for help if you need it. I hope you find some comfort here.

strickland8052

I'm so sorry for your loss. I read your birth story, and I just have to say how brave you are for posting your beautiful (but tragic) story. It could really help someone going through a similar situation one day.

My loss was really early, so I don't feel like I really have much to offer in terms of advice. be kind to yourself, and surround yourself with only those who will help you heal.

AL_TwinCities

@alanna3622 I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story - I know it has been heartbreaking and moving to so many and hopefully will help women in the future who have gone through similar experiences. Thinking of you and your family.

My first loss was very early, just shy of 6 weeks. We found TTC to be a positive distraction from the grief that time and started trying again right away. I am currently waiting to miscarry my second baby, and am not entirely sure when we will try again. I am more than 11 weeks now though my baby died at 8 weeks. But it took us 15 months to conceive this time, so at the very least we will put an infertility consult appointment on the calendar once this miscarriage is over, and start infertility testing. Depending on the results we may want to start trying again soon after loss, or we might feel comfortable waiting until we feel emotionally ready to do so.

queenklau

I am sorry about your little angel John Allan. It is indeed heartbreaking. When someone goes through something tragic and traumatic, it is hard to understand how can one move forward from then, but we do. Time and time again I hear stories and realize how resilient we are.

The ladies in this forum have gone through heartache, some multiple times, they will be great source information and of support. Please come here as much as needed, sometimes even just lurking around eases my random bursts of anxiety.

My last thought is:
Although it may seem like it will never happen, time will heal you. The grieving process is unique to everyone but time allows everyone to return to their normal lives and to be happy again. Take your time to grieve, hurt, cry, yell, whatever you need, be free with your emotions, but KNOW that it will get better.

Take care and hugs to you.

penelope4612

I'm so so sorry for your loss.  I read your story and it was so moving.  I am here following an ectopic pregnancy in September and have been benched for medical reasons since then.  We are still waiting for my thyroid hormones to be corrected so it may be another 1-2 months before we can actively start TTC again.  Of course, you're more than welcome to stay here as long as you'd like, even if you're not actively trying.  Take all the time you need to heal, both physically and emotionally.  My situation is not the same as yours, but time did make the pain less raw (although it's still there at times).  

Hugs to you, please take care of yourself.  

MissPrint1219

I am so sorry for your loss, but you've definitely found an awesome community of supportive women who understand what you're going through.

RiverSong15

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. My MC was early (7 wks), so I don't have much advice. I just wanted to send some hugs.

MamaBish

Hi @alanna3622
We've been chatting in the late term / child loss board and I noticed this post.

Again, I'm so very sorry.

*trigger warning pregnancy mentioned**

I was 28 weeks when I had my stillborn daughter. I was told by my Drs to wait at least 3 full cycles until ttc again. Honestly, I had no interest at first in ever trying again. However, by the end of the 3rd pp cycle, I was ready to try. Ttcal is a very hard process and it's definitely different than regular ttc. I suggest therapy to help you work through your emotions first. It helped me a lot.

And now I am 12 weeks and terrified. It's definitely different.

If you have specific questions about my ttcal journey, don't be afraid to ask

catiecatp

@alanna3622 - my MC was an early loss so I don't have any recommendations or words of advice - but I just read your birth story and my heart goes out to you, your DH and your children. 

megsbrock

@alanna3622 my deepest sympathies to you and your sweet family. I read through your beautiful heart wrenching birth story; thank you for sharing John Allan with us here. My two losses were in 1st tri so I don't feel I can offer any advice but rather I'll send love and light your way. Hugs.

alanna3622

Thank you so much for your kind words it has been a tough day. I have found it easier to comfort women on their losses, and have been trying not to think of our own.

I explored the miscarriage board a bit today. I just about couldn't handle it, reading about how scary and lonely and traumatic a miscarriage can be. And while different-stage losses are different, the heart of it is that we have all had a terrible loss. As soon as that second line showed up, we were hooked along for a ride that was too short.

I will have to re-read your responses tomorrow when I am feeling a bit braver. Thanks for reminding me I am not alone.

silentP

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. Just devastated for you. Your story is beautiful and brave. Thank you for sharing with us. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family and please know we are here for you. ((Hugs))

alanna3622

@MamaBish I am having a lot of trouble with dreams. A baby is crying and I can't go to him. He is a big healthy full term baby with a wet diaper. Did thoughts / dreams like this happen to you? This must just be hormonal right? I am going a little crazy with intrusive thoughts and sounds and images, even when I am awake.

I also can't tell if my desire to TTC is just the hormones. It is so strong and I have never felt like this before, ever. How did you and your partner decide to go ahead and actually try?

My DH was traumatized by the birth. I think it was just that we were hit over the heads with how ineffective and passive the medical system in general is. He was so afraid of losing me as well as John - it was a combination of "oh, you're pregnant, no wait now you are not" and my fever and the rough-handed resident and then the whole needle-in-his-wife's-spine situation. Your loss was related to complications from a car accident I think I may have read? How did your DH handle the loss of your sweet Cadence in general and did he have issues like I have described with my DH?

I am only asking because of your generous offer to share more of your story ... i am cringing though because this stuff is so very deeply personal. So please share only what you are comfortable with.

MamaBish

I am always willing to share my story, especially to help people like you, @alanna3622

The dreams were horrible. I constantly had dreams like that. I remember one where there were twins that every time I tried to pick them up, they would slide out of my arms.

We decided to try again mostly because I thought really hard about how amazing it was to hold her and think that we made her. She was us. I want that feeling again. DH wanted to try again right away, he was/is determined to raise a child.

DH handled it much differently than I did. He tried to be strong and hide it from me so as not to upset me. He was very into distractions like buying a new tv and going to do things. I just sat on the couch and looked out the window. He was and is also very scared of losing me. He still will wake up in the night and check if I'm breathing. He doesn't know that I know he does this though. I also had a crazy fever from the induction meds and he was terrified. He is very worried about how labor will go this time.

Therapy helped both of us. It made DH understand that he needed to talk to me about his feelings too. It's also helped him as far as his obsessive need to protect me. The therapist is always reminding him that he can't be superman but it's a process. I think he will be a bit better once winter is over and the risk of another accident is less.

Do not feel badly about asking these things, it helped me so much to talk to women who have been there when it first happened to me. Anything I can do to help, I'm here.

MrsGargoyle

 I am so very sorry for the loss of your John Allan. My losses were earlier, but I have been helping my friend through the loss of her full term daughter Lillian. She had the forehand knowledge that Lillian would not be long for the world, I think it did help them prepare. I hate that you and your husband were not given that same time.

alanna3622

@MrsGargoyle I am so sorry for you losses and for that of your friend. So very very sorry. And thank you for your kind thoughts.

alanna3622

@MamaBish, congratulations on your pregnancy! That is just wonderful, really wonderful. I hope that everything is going smoothly with your pregnancy.

One of the things my OB mentioned is that this was likely a spontaneous chromosomal error, and we did blood draws for karyotyping just in case. Other than waiting 6 weeks we have the green light to TTC if we choose.

Would you mind sharing how long you waited before trying? What was it like for you guys when you did start trying? I am sorry (but not surprised) to hear you are terrified. Any words of wisdom or caution on TTC?

MamaBish

@alanna3622 thank you! I am considered high risk because of my past and it's very nerve wracking.

We started trying after 3 full cycles so about 3 months which is what was recommended.
Ttcal is a roller coaster because as much as you want to see a bfp, you are also terrified that it might be. Tips: don't test until you are at least a couple days late for af. Testing too soon and seeing a bfn hurts. If you aren't already familiar, learn about temping so you can accurately track your cycles (the trying to get pregnant board has a lot of info pinned to the top threads). Temping let me know exactly when I ovulated since after the birth, my cycles were not predictable. I could have a 29 day cycle one month and then a 36 day cycle the next. Made timing things much harder.

When I tested, DH was with me for the results so I had that support.

FiancB

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. My loss was also quite early so I can't help a lot but I'll share some thoughts. 

Personally, I want to TTC right away because, honestly, what else am I going to do? It's a weird experience and I can't say I'm excited to get pregnant again, but that is the only thing that is going to get a live baby in my arms. If you feel ready and you're medically cleared, then go for it. Don't feel like you didn't care about John enough or something because you're eager to TTC again. 

My sister's second loss was also a very scary one in which she nearly bled out. Her husband had nightmares about losing her for about a year after. I would definitely recommend therapy for the both of you. 

SuperKristy85

@alanna3622 I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through but I wanted to let you know how brave I think you are for sharing your story and I hope that it helps you get through this.

Kbalas1018

So sorry for the terrible loss of John Allan. I can relate to you as I gave birth just 1 month ago to a baby girl, Veda Mae, at 33w+4. She only lived for 30 minutes because she had some health issues that kept her lungs from developing properly. We knew the issues were there but did not know it was going to result in death. We only delivered early because of my placenta.

It has been SO hard and the feelings of just wanting the baby you had back, coupled with the feeling of when do we try for another baby is really difficult to navigate through. I will say I have had some great support and even went to a Sharing group with other people who have lost babies. Everyone has a somewhat different story but all have very similar feelings.
My husband talks about having another baby already every day. We came to the realization that having another baby doesn't mean we are replacing the one we had because we could never do that, but it's just adding to the family we made with our Veda. So the fact that we talked through that has helped but it obviously doesn't make everything easy either. I miss her with everything in me and cry constantly.
I had an emergency csection so my doctors said that if I want to have a vaginal delivery the next time (that was my plan last time) that I need to wait atleast 9 mo to get pregnant. If we were to happen to get pregnant before that then they would make me have another csection.
Emotionally though for me it's going to be one of those things I'm going to have to work through no matter when it happens. Even though I will love my next child and will be happy, I'm going to have to get used to being pregnant with someone other than my daughter. That is normal. So I think it just all depends on how you and your husband feel about it and how it effects you.
What has been helping me cope in general is talking to God, writing, blogging, talking to people about her, hanging pictures of her around our house to make her "known", celebrating her life in as many ways as we can, crying when I need to, and just being completely honest about my feelings good and bad. We have made the fact she is our daughter part of our life and that has helped tremendously. I couldn't go on with life and pretend like I don't have a baby girl. She is real.
And even though I'm only a month out I've started exercising which has helped me physically feel a little better. My csection has healed really well so I don't have any problems, even though my doctor told me to keep taking it easy lol.

I am praying for you and hope you can find some peace. Celebrate your son. You are and always will be a momma, his momma.

Kbalas1018

Here is my blog with our story. I am about to read yours
https://withveda.blogspot.com/2016/01/over-past-few-weeks-i-have-desired-to.html?m=1

AL_TwinCities

Kbalas1018 said:

Here is my blog with our story. I am about to read yours
https://withveda.blogspot.com/2016/01/over-past-few-weeks-i-have-desired-to.html?m=1

Thank you for also sharing your story @Kbalas1018. I am in tears and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your daughter is beautiful.

Kbalas1018

AL_TwinCities said:

Kbalas1018 said:

Here is my blog with our story. I am about to read yours
https://withveda.blogspot.com/2016/01/over-past-few-weeks-i-have-desired-to.html?m=1

Thank you for also sharing your story @Kbalas1018. I am in tears and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your daughter is beautiful.

@AL_TwinCities thank you I'm so proud to be her momma.
I'm so sorry for your losses as well. And knowing you're waiting to miscarry has to be so incredibly hard. It sounds like you have been trying to have a baby for quite some time. We have too. I miscarried my first pregnancy in 2014 around 6 weeks and then we got pregnant with Veda 10 months later but we had been trying for years before both pregnancies. We went through a fertility clinic and they've never found anything wrong with either of us besides I have hypothyroidism. We got pregnant both times with an IUI. I liked having their help because we knew exactly when I was ovulating and were able to watch the pregnancy closely from the beginning. Conception is amazing and is truly a miracle!
Sometimes our bodies just need a little help or to make a few changes. I hope it all works out for you

alanna3622

@Kbalas1018 thank you for sharing your story. I has quite an emotional reaction to it. It is weird how similar our experiences were, in some ways. And only 9 days apart -- technology has made the world we live in very small indeed.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Veda. She was/is beautiful. Your pictures are incredible; they moved me to tears every time I read your story. 

My thoughts go out to you and your husband. I hope you can both continue to seek after and enjoy peace. 

alanna3622

I haven't posted on this board too much lately, although I have been lurking so happy for the ladies who have graduated and so sad for the newest members who are dealing with fresh losses. 

We filed our regulatory complaint against my doctors last week. I will see that process through no matter what and make sure that what happened to us does not happen to another family, if that is humanly possible.

But I have decided not to TTC again.  It is just too scary to try. I am not a physically brave person, embarassing as it is to admit. Nine months is an eternity and pregnancy is so inescapably intimate. I just cannot do it. I have tried to imagine ways to handle the stress, but I just can't. Maybe if I had "bounced back" or had more resilience then it would be another story. 

I am still planning to lurk here and post on the occasional thread, I just figured I would bury an update on this thread in the meantime.  

iceandsnowflakes29

@alanna3622  I read your birth story. Please hear me, you are very brave and strong. I cannot imagine a loss of that magnitude and I'm so sorry. But, you have more fortitude than you give yourself credit for.  ((Hugs))

MWoodside

I am so incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss of your sweet boy John Allan.  We are here to support you and lift you up whether you are TTC or not. Sending you strength as you ride the waves of grief of this tragedy.

alanna3622

@iceandsnowflakes29 and @MWoodside thank you so much. I was at a real low point when i wrote that. Feeling like a failure and so on. I wish I could get accidentally pregnant and then spare myself the angst But I guess that is the understatement of the year in our special community. 

Lots of love to you ladies. 

LCRbelle

I am so so sorry for your loss.  I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling now.  Losing a baby early on is so different from what you're experiencing.  I know words cannot help much but just know that the ladies on this board are all so kind and comforting.  This is a safe place for you to express yourself and receive the support you need.