Dealing with unexpected emotions

laurenlalap

More and more I've been randomly bursting into tears in public. Today it was in front of the sweet nurse tech and last month it was at my work Christmas party when someone asked me when I'm having a baby.

I feel like I have a good handle on what I'm going through but then something (usual minor and well intentioned) causes my eyes to well with tears and then I can't stop the waterfall.

What makes it worse is it's usually after someone very inocenntly asks me a fertility related question and then my tears make them feel so guilty and bad. And then I feel bad for making them feel bad and have to explain to them what I'm going through.

I probably need counseling but can't afford it.

Have you found any tricks or tips that helped you deal with your emotions?

oxinfree

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time managing your emotions @laurenlalap . That being said, it is perfectly normal and acceptable to react the way you are. Infertility is such a taboo subject a lot of the time, and although people's questions are well intentioned, they still aren't necessarily acceptable. I'm not sure why it is social norm to ask these types of questions, especially when people make the choice to not have children, or have lost a child, or are struggling to conceive. I would never ask someone, "so hows your sex life, is your partner able to satisfy you?" (unless it was a really close girlfriend that I've known years and years I guess haha) but asking about our conception journey is acceptable? they're explicitly tied. I dunno. I'm just saying that you should never feel bad for a reaction that makes others feel bad. Perhaps they will learn from this scenario and be more sensitive to how they approach this topic in the future. 

In terms of how to better cope, well, that's a tough one. I've found things have gotten better over time for me, but my infertility journey spans almost 5 years now, and I never wish that kind of time passing for anyone. But, what I can also say, is that I am learning to be more compassionate towards myself. If I'm having a bad day, I allow myself to, and make no apologies for it. I also have found opening up incredibly therapeutic, and although I acknowledge its not right for everyone, the support network I gained, and my ability to openly talk about it on a daily basis to friends and family who support me and care about my struggles, has made all the difference in the world. 

I wish you the best of luck with ttc #2 and am so sorry about your most recent loss. Big hugs to you. xx

suchaglencoco

@oxinfree always has amazing insight and responses and I completely agree with everything said. Opening up to those around me definitely helped both myself and them- I got to talk about my journey and let it be less taboo and they got to learn how big of a struggle infertility really is on a woman and her husband, partner.

I do want to add that when I was going through a particularly hard time and knew my emotions were getting the best of me, I'd try to cry it out in my morning shower. It was very therapeutic for me to let me tears and hurt feelings kind of go down the drain for the day (as cheesy as that sounds).
So every morning, I'd think of everything that upset me, every hurt feeling, every "why me" thought I had, and every feeling of resentment and pain. I would just get it all out of my system in the shower. Sometimes, it was a simple few tears that would come and others, I'd stand there for 5 minutes sobbing. Every time I'd step out of the shower, I'd feel a lot better, more refreshed, less emotionally burdened for the day. Did I still have a few random cry moments some days? Absolutely, but it really helped me.
Bottling up your emotions is never good, especially while on hormones and while on this long, bumpy journey.


I wish you peace and good luck!

mskeenan

Hi there! I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time. I think everyone who deals with IF goes through this. It's just part of the process. I will say that I think that dealing with the emotions gets better with time. I was officially diagnosed with infertility back in April/May (though I suspected I was infertile for a long time prior to this) and I would say that I was a wreck for about 6 months. I withdrew from my husband, from friends and from activities that normally made me happy. I was in a depression. I've tried a wide variety of things to help with the anxiety and depression that has resulted from all of this.

First, this board has helped tremendously. Since IF is so taboo (which it shouldn't be) I felt like I had nobody to turn to besides my husband who really understood the pain of the journey. I would say keep staying active on here!

Second, I began meditating I use an app called Headspace as a guided meditation. I need to be better about using it but when I have woken up and done it in the mornings it has helped with managing my emotions and ability to deal with stress throughout the day.

Third, I have allowed myself to cry.. and a LOT. It's ok to cry. You would probably be crazy if you didn't. Don't apologize or feel bad for it. I've done the same. I've broken down and cried at inappropriate times and in front of people who didn't know what I was going through. Opening up to some people about this journey has helped me some, too. You have to be ready for that though. Not everyone is ok opening up about this.

Fourth, journal it or write down your thoughts. I have gone to therapy since I was diagnosed and my therapist made a recommendation to keep a jar somewhere in the house where I can toss little pieces of paper that I have recorded my negative emotions/thoughts on. Doing this has helped me just get things out of my head even if I didn't feel comfortable talking about them. It sounds weird, but it is very therapeutic. In a way, I think it let me process my negative emotions by recognizing them. Periodically I would open up the sheets of paper and revisit what I was feeling to try to process experiences in a different and more positive way.

We are all here for you.. you are not alone! I hope some of the responses on here help you! Sending hugs and positive vibes your way!!

tvh1982

Hello lov.

Oh those tears, they do come at inappropriate times.
My most inappropriate was on Thursday in a meeting with my new boss. She asked what I worked with and I started crying. It wasn't even an emotional question!
I hate crying, I hate it on my own, I hate it in front of family, friends, .. and now I cry in front of strangers!
I go to an acupuncturist and she told me it's an emotion, and you need to left it out..it'll take the pressure off.
But it stays uncomfortable.

For me it helps to be open about my situation. And until now I only have had kind reactions and support. (Not only do I 'shock' them with infertility, the lack of a partner isn't very common either)
By being open, I feel less horrible when I do end up crying, and don't feel like I should apologise.

In a perfect world people wouldn't ask when others will start their family, but we all have learnt the hard way life isn't perfect...or we wouldn't have this forum.

Try not to feel bad when you cry, try to remember that you have been going through a lot and have been kicking butts, and to take of the pressure the tears will run without you to be able to stop them.
Sure the person in front of you might be uncomfortable, but hey, they asked about your sexlife...so they should be uncomfortable.

Allow yourself those tears, the ladies above gave some great tips. Let those waterworks run every now and then.
Counselling might help, but your DH, a great friend, neighbour might even be just as helpful. Just don't get angry, annoyed with yourself. It's completely natural. It hurts because it matters.

You are allowed to scream, you are allowed to cry, but do not give up.

x

kuposa17

First of all, my heart goes out to you and I am so sorry you're going thru this! I agree with everything that has been posted here and I just want to reinforce what they are saying. The LAST thing you need right now is more pressure, so please don't put pressure on yourself to be "perfect" as you're navigating this emotional obstacle course. I think as long as you don't punch anyone in the face when they ask inappropriate questions, you're doing a great job! In all seriousness, please give yourself permission to feel sad and upset and cry whenever you feel like it.

I think it helps to have an emotional plan and a verbal response plan (I like planning, obviously, lol). I totally support all the tools listed previously like therapy (many take insurance), meditation, yoga, journaling, etc. I love @mskeenan 's jar technique!

Once you are outside in public or at work, it helps to have some canned/prepared responses for when people ask stupid questions. My favorite response is "we're working on it" or I abruptly change the conversation without acknowledging their question ("look, squirrel!"). I use humor as a coping mechanism, that's just the what I'm comfortable with. Use whatever type of response you're comfortable with, but I strongly recommend planning your response ahead of time.

......but there's NOTHING wrong with crying when people ask those questions. Believe me, they won't make that mistake again!