(lurker from July) Long..... I did this. Well, partially. I am not emotionally attached to my mom (same as you, lived with them until I was 20, and she was a SAHM), and I didn't want anyone there. Since I didn't know how I was going to feel or how long I was going to be in labor, I didnt want people waiting around and making it feel like I had to rush my bonding time so they could get in. Also, no matter how many times I told my SIL we didn't want anyone there, she kept hounding us about it and telling us she WAS going to be there. We went in with only my IL's knowing (they are good at keeping secrets) and they had to watch our dog, and we went into the hospital unlisted. My grandmother happened to have a layover in my area and stayed for 15 days waiting for her first great-grandkid to be born, and was leaving the next morning after I was induced. So I felt like I had to tell them, because I would have felt bad if they left and she never got to meet her great-grandkid. My husband told my sister (after we had already been there for 4+ hours), and told her to use her judgement on when to tell our mom. Well, my sister is a moron, and told my mom too early. I was in labor for 28 hours, felt everything through my epidural, and was puking my guts out. My mom, sister and aunt would not stop texting my husband, and he finally had to shut off his phone (even though he kept saying he would update when the time came)...and apparently they were at the Walmart down the street hanging out until they could come in. I had an emergency c-section, and my husband text them and said not to come until he gave the all clear, because we were going in for an emergency c-section and would have to be moved back into our room after recovery. While in recovery, a nurse came in and said "You are unlisted, but you have three visitors here asking to see you." Of course they were! Because heaven forbid, they actually do what is asked of them for the first time in their life. It is now 2am, I moved into my room at 2:30am, and by 3am...my family was in there wanting to take 4th generation pictures, when I couldn't even keep my eyes open and just had major surgery.
If it wasn't for my grandma needing to leave, I wouldn't have told them and would have had the time I wanted with baby, away from people and not stressed. Our plan this time, is to not tell anyone we are going in (except whoever is taking care of DD). We will have the c-section, spend time with baby, let DD come in and meet her brother or sister. And then we will decide from then when we are ready to have other visitors. We have no intentions on even sending a text (or calling) about the baby being born and stats, until we are ready for visitors, because we know that even if we tell people we aren't ready for visitors, we will get hounded about it.
As for the question about backlash, I do get backlash from it on occasion....and my DD is four now! My other aunt (not the one mentioned previously), pretty much called me a b*itch for not letting my mom be there and be in the room because "It was important to her too!" Sometimes my mom will talk about when DD was born and bring up the fact that she didn't even know we were going in (in a snarky way), and that it wasn't that big of a deal that they came before my husband told them to come in. Its that whole "this is how I wanted to do it, thats how I did it, and I don't care how you feel about it" mentality....and that is how she always is. It stings sometimes, but I have to remember that even if she was calling all of the shots (and in the room during delivery) she will would have had something to complain about. She is not a person of comfort to me (in fact, none of my female members of the family are), and they would be the last people that I would want around me while going through labor and delivery.
My advice is stick to your guns, and decide what is best for you and your husband....and tell a few white lies if you have to, because sometimes if you are open and honest about not wanting anyone there, people are going to complain until they are blue in the face....in hopes that you will change your mind before the time comes. Don't change your plans to make others happy.....you don't get a re-do on your child's birth and that bonding time.
ETA: This one will be a RCS, and I have no issue lying to everyone and saying that my RCS is scheduled two days later than it actually is. That way I can have the surgery and have that time, and tell them when we are ready. If they ask, I will just say that I went into labor before the scheduled c-section. After what happened last time, I have no issues lying about it, to get the experience I would like.
PhoebeJune1984 This is literally my entire fear and ugh our moms must be secretly sisters. I am glad i dont have any siblings in the mix. Its a weird world to live in being emotionally unattached to your mother, its very rare i find another person who has the same issue! Ive had to go through it extensively wit my therapist so i can understand how such a thing is created with other people think their mothers are gods.
If someone (my mother.) did this to me I would not even care how many bridges i burned. I would have no problem calling security and refusing visitors. I will take DHs phone away from him. Whatever I need to do. This is not happening to me. If it did, it would be the end of my relationship with my mother since she is already walking on such insanely thin ice with me. The last thing i want to do the second my baby girl is born is scream at someone for going against my wishes, but I will and it will be the first and last time she ever sees DD.
While labor is not something i am scared of, I am extremely sensitive and can be overwhelmed extremely easily. I dont like being out of control and I dont like being forced into absolutely anything. I feel completely justified in demanding exactly what i need, especially since me and DH each have our own reasons for adamantly wanting a natural birth and a lot of skin to skin time to work on breast feeding.
We had discussed with our parents beforehand that we wanted them to come to the hospital following the birth, but that we would call them to let them know when, so that they would not be in the waiting room the whole time. Partly because we didn't know how long labor would take, or how long after that we would get alone with DS, etc. (And I joked that my friends were allowed to come see me as soon as they wanted only if they brought wine as their entry ticket.) In the end, the only people who knew I was in labor were our parents and my grandmother (because out of state travel was required for my parents to come, and my ILs drove me to the hospital while DH was stuck in rush hour traffic). I think DH and I each told one friend that I was at the hospital, everyone else found out about the birth when I emailed pictures and such afterwards. DS also was in the NICU for the first week so we were only allowed to take one visitor at a time to see him, that helped us to control the number of visitors as well.
I think if you have people who will respect your boundaries, if you want to tell them you're in labor, go ahead. And if you don't, that's your prerogative. In our experience, no one showed up unannounced or forced themselves on us for a visit, most people should be sensitive enough to ask if you're up for it before showing up. And if they ask and you're not up for it, don't feel like you have to say yes. You're totally allowed to say you need more time before you can see people, or to space out visitors so you only have one per day or whatever you feel comfortable with. It's hard to predict now how you'll feel in five months. Right now it might seem overwhelming to think about a new baby and visitors, but in the moment you might be OK with it.
@TheHauntedHauswife The crazy thing, is that my older sister complains about my mom (and how she is) all of the time, but my sister is the EXACT same way as my mom. And as the years go on, my sister gets worse. So I don't just have my mom to deal with, I have my sister as well. My grandma is bad, but not as bad as either of them (more judgmental than anything). I didn't even want to tell my mom about this pregnancy until I couldn't hide it anymore, because she made my first pregnancy (and my wedding), all about herself and caused drama (because she wanted the wedding to be what she envisioned, and I was paying for it, so I planned it how I wanted it). I finally caved and told all of them, because we wanted to tell DD, and knew that DD would end up slipping about the pregnancy. And the first thing my mom started doing, was informing me of who else I needed to tell (right this minute), and hounding me about letting her tell her gossipy friends (who are mothers of people I am still in contact with and I don't want them knowing yet). I keep telling her the reasons we don't want people knowing right now, and she keeps coming back at me with snarky attitude about it....like she thinks that if she is b*tchy enough, I will change my mind and let her start telling people. And the thing that drives me the craziest, is that she sees everything the way she wants to see it, and wont acknowledge that it isn't how it really happened...and then she calls everyone and their brother to tell them how things happened (when they didn't really happen that way). I told my husband, that it was sad that I was more excited to tell a handful of our close friends and his cousins (and their wives) than I was about my own family, and would have loved if I could have gotten by without telling them at all until baby arrives. My younger brother and dad are pretty cool though...my dad stays out of it, and my brother moved four hours away so him and his fiance wouldn't have to deal with it much.
I did luck out in the IL department though. My husbands parents live next to us, and they are big believers in giving us the privacy that we need. When we text about DD being born and asked if they wanted to come see her, they said they would come in the afternoon of the following day, because they wanted us to have our bonding time and get sleep. We told them about this pregnancy on Thanksgiving, and they didn't utter a word to anyone for months, and not once did they ask if they could tell someone. Anytime I got flustered with being a new parent and struggles, my MIL always responded with "You are trying your best...." Even though we live next door, they don't even come over to our house unless invited. They are pretty awesome!
@TheHauntedHauswife From the outside looking in, my mom is the "help everyone, be there for everyone, etc" type person. But behind closed doors, her true colors shine. Almost all of these questions fit her to a "T", and I am actually tempted to get this book and read it! https://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother-survey/
PhoebeJune1984 We literally have the same mother. I literally am almost done reading that book. Its actually insanely helpful. My mother has not seen me pregnant and im 21 weeks. I havent seen her since August where she almost attacked me because ive been going through a disconnect from her since May and she cant handle it. Like you said, always making things about her. Shes never wrong, shes always so caring and loving and helping people, but shes only doing it in a way that she agrees with and doesnt listen to a damn thing i said. I lived in a house with 2 married parents, money and anything i needed, but essentially had to raise myself because i could not even show one ounce of myself to either of them because they were so judgmental and selfish. My mother is a narcissist though swears she is not, and my dad has severe anger issues.
Despite that we were not speaking at the time, we decided to write her a cute card to let her know we were pregnant and they said it was like a slap in the face when everyone else thought it was so cute. Nothing is ever good enough unless i do exactly as they say, and thats a completely unreasonable thing to expect from another person.
My mother in law is a little spacey but shes overall atleast much more normal. She reacted in a perfect way and ive had maternity gifts dropped off at our door step by all his aunts. No complaints where his family is concerned! So im glad we both got that!
@TheHauntedHauswife The crappy part is trying to explain it to others. Its like "Well, my parents are still married. My mom was a SAHM. I always had food and clothing. But emotionally, there was nothing there. It was a really hard childhood, and I feel completely disconnected from them." I love them, and I care about them, but when I need emotional support or want someone that is of comfort to me....they are not it. I don't remember ever talking about my feelings with my mom, because I remember the times I did, I always got attitude, told I shouldn't feel that way, and a snotty (not at all genuine) "Well, I'm sorry!" So I finally stopped talking to her about it. I do feel like I held back on a lot of things that I wanted to do when I "grew up", because I was usually told that I would never get into the program, or I should "just go to a trade school" because it would take me way to long to get a degree. I never really got the support that I needed from them. Still, to this day, my mom speaks highly of my siblings and their jobs, and then doesn't really bring up any of my successes. I know that we have a lot of strain in our relationship anyway, because I will point out when she is being snarky, and then both her and my grandma will say that I have no respect of them (when I am just sticking up for myself). So I am known as the b*tch of the family. Which is funny, because my husbands side of the family knows a completely different side...they know the carefree, always help people, relaxed person. My family sees the tense, walking on eggshells, person who is always talking back (when really I am sticking up for myself).
In all honesty, I worried about ever having a girl because of this. I didn't know if I would know how to have a mother-daughter relationship. But so far, it has worked out good....I just make sure we talk about her feelings about the day, every night before she goes to bed. I make sure that my apologies to her are genuine. My husband is on board for calling me out if I get snarky while DD is talking about how her feelings are hurt, etc. I try and do the opposite of anything my mom has ever done, especially when it comes to the emotional side.
PhoebeJune1984 I literally could have written this paragraph! Absolutely the same! "The crappy part is trying to explain it to others. Its like "Well, my parents are still married. My mom was a SAHM. I always had food and clothing. But emotionally, there was nothing there. It was a really hard childhood, and I feel completely disconnected from them." I love them, and I care about them, but when I need emotional support or want someone that is of comfort to me....they are not it." Dead on.
My family too sees me as being a bitch because im standing up for myself and my mother has continued to throw temper tantrums and run crying to the whole family that "i broke her heart'' so i look like the bad person because im not into drama and wont be chasing the rest of the family down to stand up for my self to them.
I too dont think I would be as worried if i was having a boy. I think i have learned on my own to be a much more loving, caring and compassionate person than my mother was and my therapist doesn't even think its possible at this point that I could repeat it because I am such a drastically different person. Feeling like my parents were disconnected and had nothing to do with me from a young age, allowed me to mostly form my own views and thoughts about things. So i do think somehow i managed to teach myself better. I do have a concern about going too far the other way and honestly i really think you should grab that book! There is a whole section about how not to pass it on to your kids because a ton of times people try and do the extreme opposite rather then just finding the happy medium and balance. The extreme opposite tends to cause the same effect, i know because my grandmother and my mother did the opposite but my mother and i got the same effects on us. So when my mom tried to be so so opposite she did the same damage cause it was the same amount of extreme.
The way i coped was finding boyfriends as early as i could. I was in long term relationships starting at 14 years old. Ive been with my husband since 17, married legally when i was like 21 or 22, moved out and into my own house by 24.
Re: Keeping being in labor a secret until after birth?
Long.....
I did this. Well, partially. I am not emotionally attached to my mom (same as you, lived with them until I was 20, and she was a SAHM), and I didn't want anyone there. Since I didn't know how I was going to feel or how long I was going to be in labor, I didnt want people waiting around and making it feel like I had to rush my bonding time so they could get in. Also, no matter how many times I told my SIL we didn't want anyone there, she kept hounding us about it and telling us she WAS going to be there. We went in with only my IL's knowing (they are good at keeping secrets) and they had to watch our dog, and we went into the hospital unlisted. My grandmother happened to have a layover in my area and stayed for 15 days waiting for her first great-grandkid to be born, and was leaving the next morning after I was induced. So I felt like I had to tell them, because I would have felt bad if they left and she never got to meet her great-grandkid. My husband told my sister (after we had already been there for 4+ hours), and told her to use her judgement on when to tell our mom. Well, my sister is a moron, and told my mom too early. I was in labor for 28 hours, felt everything through my epidural, and was puking my guts out. My mom, sister and aunt would not stop texting my husband, and he finally had to shut off his phone (even though he kept saying he would update when the time came)...and apparently they were at the Walmart down the street hanging out until they could come in. I had an emergency c-section, and my husband text them and said not to come until he gave the all clear, because we were going in for an emergency c-section and would have to be moved back into our room after recovery. While in recovery, a nurse came in and said "You are unlisted, but you have three visitors here asking to see you." Of course they were! Because heaven forbid, they actually do what is asked of them for the first time in their life. It is now 2am, I moved into my room at 2:30am, and by 3am...my family was in there wanting to take 4th generation pictures, when I couldn't even keep my eyes open and just had major surgery.
If it wasn't for my grandma needing to leave, I wouldn't have told them and would have had the time I wanted with baby, away from people and not stressed. Our plan this time, is to not tell anyone we are going in (except whoever is taking care of DD). We will have the c-section, spend time with baby, let DD come in and meet her brother or sister. And then we will decide from then when we are ready to have other visitors. We have no intentions on even sending a text (or calling) about the baby being born and stats, until we are ready for visitors, because we know that even if we tell people we aren't ready for visitors, we will get hounded about it.
As for the question about backlash, I do get backlash from it on occasion....and my DD is four now! My other aunt (not the one mentioned previously), pretty much called me a b*itch for not letting my mom be there and be in the room because "It was important to her too!" Sometimes my mom will talk about when DD was born and bring up the fact that she didn't even know we were going in (in a snarky way), and that it wasn't that big of a deal that they came before my husband told them to come in. Its that whole "this is how I wanted to do it, thats how I did it, and I don't care how you feel about it" mentality....and that is how she always is. It stings sometimes, but I have to remember that even if she was calling all of the shots (and in the room during delivery) she will would have had something to complain about. She is not a person of comfort to me (in fact, none of my female members of the family are), and they would be the last people that I would want around me while going through labor and delivery.
My advice is stick to your guns, and decide what is best for you and your husband....and tell a few white lies if you have to, because sometimes if you are open and honest about not wanting anyone there, people are going to complain until they are blue in the face....in hopes that you will change your mind before the time comes. Don't change your plans to make others happy.....you don't get a re-do on your child's birth and that bonding time.
ETA: This one will be a RCS, and I have no issue lying to everyone and saying that my RCS is scheduled two days later than it actually is. That way I can have the surgery and have that time, and tell them when we are ready. If they ask, I will just say that I went into labor before the scheduled c-section. After what happened last time, I have no issues lying about it, to get the experience I would like.
If someone (my mother.) did this to me I would not even care how many bridges i burned. I would have no problem calling security and refusing visitors. I will take DHs phone away from him. Whatever I need to do. This is not happening to me. If it did, it would be the end of my relationship with my mother since she is already walking on such insanely thin ice with me. The last thing i want to do the second my baby girl is born is scream at someone for going against my wishes, but I will and it will be the first and last time she ever sees DD.
While labor is not something i am scared of, I am extremely sensitive and can be overwhelmed extremely easily. I dont like being out of control and I dont like being forced into absolutely anything. I feel completely justified in demanding exactly what i need, especially since me and DH each have our own reasons for adamantly wanting a natural birth and a lot of skin to skin time to work on breast feeding.
I think if you have people who will respect your boundaries, if you want to tell them you're in labor, go ahead. And if you don't, that's your prerogative. In our experience, no one showed up unannounced or forced themselves on us for a visit, most people should be sensitive enough to ask if you're up for it before showing up. And if they ask and you're not up for it, don't feel like you have to say yes. You're totally allowed to say you need more time before you can see people, or to space out visitors so you only have one per day or whatever you feel comfortable with. It's hard to predict now how you'll feel in five months. Right now it might seem overwhelming to think about a new baby and visitors, but in the moment you might be OK with it.
I did luck out in the IL department though. My husbands parents live next to us, and they are big believers in giving us the privacy that we need. When we text about DD being born and asked if they wanted to come see her, they said they would come in the afternoon of the following day, because they wanted us to have our bonding time and get sleep. We told them about this pregnancy on Thanksgiving, and they didn't utter a word to anyone for months, and not once did they ask if they could tell someone. Anytime I got flustered with being a new parent and struggles, my MIL always responded with "You are trying your best...." Even though we live next door, they don't even come over to our house unless invited. They are pretty awesome!
Despite that we were not speaking at the time, we decided to write her a cute card to let her know we were pregnant and they said it was like a slap in the face when everyone else thought it was so cute. Nothing is ever good enough unless i do exactly as they say, and thats a completely unreasonable thing to expect from another person.
My mother in law is a little spacey but shes overall atleast much more normal. She reacted in a perfect way and ive had maternity gifts dropped off at our door step by all his aunts. No complaints where his family is concerned! So im glad we both got that!
In all honesty, I worried about ever having a girl because of this. I didn't know if I would know how to have a mother-daughter relationship. But so far, it has worked out good....I just make sure we talk about her feelings about the day, every night before she goes to bed. I make sure that my apologies to her are genuine. My husband is on board for calling me out if I get snarky while DD is talking about how her feelings are hurt, etc. I try and do the opposite of anything my mom has ever done, especially when it comes to the emotional side.
My family too sees me as being a bitch because im standing up for myself and my mother has continued to throw temper tantrums and run crying to the whole family that "i broke her heart'' so i look like the bad person because im not into drama and wont be chasing the rest of the family down to stand up for my self to them.
I too dont think I would be as worried if i was having a boy. I think i have learned on my own to be a much more loving, caring and compassionate person than my mother was and my therapist doesn't even think its possible at this point that I could repeat it because I am such a drastically different person. Feeling like my parents were disconnected and had nothing to do with me from a young age, allowed me to mostly form my own views and thoughts about things. So i do think somehow i managed to teach myself better. I do have a concern about going too far the other way and honestly i really think you should grab that book! There is a whole section about how not to pass it on to your kids because a ton of times people try and do the extreme opposite rather then just finding the happy medium and balance. The extreme opposite tends to cause the same effect, i know because my grandmother and my mother did the opposite but my mother and i got the same effects on us. So when my mom tried to be so so opposite she did the same damage cause it was the same amount of extreme.
The way i coped was finding boyfriends as early as i could. I was in long term relationships starting at 14 years old. Ive been with my husband since 17, married legally when i was like 21 or 22, moved out and into my own house by 24.