Kicking myself (warning, feeling negative)

KLake42

(pardon the vent)

Okay, so let me be real for a minute.

For years, and I mean years, I told myself that if I was going to try to be a parent, I would have to be actively trying by the time I turned 35.  And I planned for that financially-- lived super cheap for a while to pay down my debts, got everything squared away.  I was never in a good co-parent type of relationship, and I knew it, but I thought that things could change.

I just really, really didn't want to be dealing with the challenges that come from TTC in your late 30s.  I knew they were there.  I didn't want that.

Then I turned 35, and I was in this stagnant relationship I couldn't get out of, and it wasn't right to be a parent, so I just... gave up.  I gave up.  I gave up, and I grieved, and I moved on.

Then I got out of that, and met the RIGHT ONE, and we had a lovely year of marriage. Then I was talking about how sad I was when I gave up on being a mother, and she told me we could still try. 

And I knew-- it's harder, but not impossible.  And yeah, I could at least try.

So now I'm trying, and I've had 7 medicated failed IUIs and am in the midst of stimming for IVF, and my body feels crappy and I only have 7 good looking follicles, and I see younger women with 20-25 follicles (out of which they get two or three good embryos), and I know there's a 70-80% chance that I won't succeed, but here I am, the the thick of it.

I know that younger women get pissed when they're told that they should think about babies before it gets too late, but still, I wish I could go back to 25-year-old me, and tell her to freeze some freaking eggs, that the expense is worth it.  I know I made all the choices that were right for me at the time, but jeez, I really screwed up on this.

I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positive.  I just can't get there right now, though-- too pissed off at myself.

How about you?  I know, we all have reasons for not getting pregnant earlier-- some of us have infertility stuff that kicked in early, some of us were in bad relationships, some of us were just busy.  But for those who made some sort of choices and ended up here... on your not-so-good days, do you let this get you down?  If you don't, how?  How do you stay positive?

jennh75b

From what you wrote above I personally don't think you made bad choices.  How many women really look into or discuss freezing eggs?  It never even crossed my mind until Kim Kardashian or one of those girls talked about it.  I know that you feel like you could have done more, but to most people it's not just even in the realm of their consciousness...ever.  

To me, I never thought I'd be in the position I am, it's just that life happened the way it did and I can't beat myself up for what I did and didn't do.  I know you feel hopeless and negative right now and you have gone through so much already.  I get negative, too, where I decide I'm going to not care anymore and not even try.  Yet something in me tells me that I at least need to say I've tried, and when the trying has reached its limit, I will know that this was either meant to be or not, that I did my best.  It sounds to me like you've gone above and beyond trying and continue to do so, and you need to give yourself a ton of credit for that.  

To be honest, I'm at the point where I might go to a therapist.  This is not to suggest you should do the same, but I think it's good to process your emotions no matter how things turn out.  It's mentally and physically draining to deal with these issues...probably the biggest challenge I have personally ever faced.  

chloe97

Too many people on TV make it look too easy. We are told that we can have it all- fun in your 20's and early 30's and kids later- and it is possible. But nobody ever tells you how much you may have to fight for it. Nobody tells you about the nonstop anxiety that trying to get pregnant or actually being pregnant after 35 brings. Nobody tells you about the second-guessing of all your life decisions. Nobody tells you of the pain and stress your body may have to endure. It's just made to look easy. And for some people it is, but I don't have a single friend who had a baby over 30 who had it easy. There were miscarriages and stillbirths and multiple IUIs and IVF treatment. Sometimes I look around at kids playing in playgrounds and think to myself "how much did your mother have to struggle to bring you I the world?"

Anyway, I also am getting therapy to work on my anxiety and questioning of past choices. Just know that you aren't alone. I get mad at my H for waiting an extra year to propose and he refused to TTC before we were married. I feel like we wasted a good fertile year after we lived together partying with friends, when we could've had less chance of miscarrying,

happyktmom

@KLake42 , I am not going to tell you to 'buck up, buttercup', because there's no helping that feeling.  I will say, it will pass and you cannot change your past.  But your past is what has brought you here.  And no matter what, you have your RIGHT ONE and she will help get you through all of this.
 Stay strong and I wish you so much luck with these follicles.  It only takes one, right?  

thistle8677

Sending you lots of love @KLake42
I have a raging migraine so I'm gonna keep this brief, but I want you to know that you're on an amazing journey, your journey!
I'm rooting for you and just like @happyktmom said, you only need one egg!
I believe in the power of a miracle and I really pray you get yours ASAP!
You are surrounded by positivity and protection.
Hang in there xoxox

Piperella

I'm sorry, @KLake42.  I understand much of what you wrote and please don't feel bad for anything you said.  I think you were smart to know the first relationship wasn't right and waited.. I did the same thing, although I did start fertility treatments with my 1st (now ex husband), but stopped when it came time to take meds for the IUI. I am grateful I had the commonsense to not bring a child into that mix because I would have possibly stayed and been miserable.  I'm now with someone I love, and then I waited until he was a bit older, and now I feel like I'm coming close to being too old.  It's not that I have regrets, but I wish I could just freeze my age at 32 (and my eggs at 28..lol).  I feel that everything is this giant learning experience.. and guess it was the path I was to take, even if it wasn't where I thought I would be.  I wanted a big family, I wanted all these things.. I have friends my age with kids getting into college.. oh god does that make me feel far behind.. 

It wasn't our path.  I'm thankful for the lesson I've learned, and hopefully when I have a son or daughter I can make their path a little bit easier because of all the "wisdom" I've received after being on this path.  I hope your IVF retrieval goes well.  The stims are no fun...  Both of us have different follicle numbers, but at the end of the day, we both need just one good one.  I hope we both have that one good one in our near future.

KLake42

Thanks y'all. I know the meds are probably impacting my ability to manage the stress of this whole process. I really appreciate the support here. Thank you.

Tomerine

Just wanted to add that, yes, I have similar thoughts, too. I tell my husband that it's neither my fault not his that we met when we were 33 and 34. I know it's better that I waited to find him. But there are other little things that I can easily beat myself up over, or look back on as selfish. I sometimes now think of my younger self as being arrogant for thinking all of this would be easy. Even after having my daughter, I just assumed I'd get pregnant when I wanted to. I agree with @chloe97 that it's made to look so easy. You just want a baby and then you get one.

I think it's natural to want to look for answers. But that often means we blame ourselves. Really, we're all doing the best we can, and we all have made the best choices we could at the time, with the information and experience we had. That's all you can do. But I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's a really hard thing, to want something so badly and feel so not in control. Hugs.

dolphin012

@KLake42 i find it is hard not to think back and say 'what if'. But i do try and not be hard on myself about it. In my case i opted to push ttc to late 30s for grad school. But then i had a health blip right when i started grad school. Nothing long-term serious, but the recovery made me less efficient for the first 1-2 years. I still managed to finish a PhD program in 4.5 years while working too. I stayed in my job (linked to grad research), although i cut back on hours it was still very intense. So we didn't start until i was 39. Then about 6+ months in i had another health blip (different). It was a 'fixable' problem, but i had to put ttc on hold for 8 months while i got it fixed via procedure. I think i would have been ok in my late 30s given my numbers and family history (an assumption, but who really knows). But i didn't give myself a buffer and it turns out i needed it.  

Looking back i wish i had it in me to try earlier despite school and work. But it was intense with a lot of pressure from work and school that i am not sure it is a fair expectation for myself. I would not have had the support from either side, especially after the medical struggle. I also think maybe we should have done an ivf cycle while i was in school and frozen embryos. But i didn't know anything about ivf at the time and financially it would have been very daunting. 

I do mostly stay positive. I don't regret my decision to go back to school. I have a career that i am very passionate about and no regrets there. Although i didn't have the support to balance family, education and career at the critical time, i hope that my achievements help pave the path for my kids and others to do so.

A bit long winded, but those were my choices and how i stay positive (most of the time). 

Thanks for this post @KLake42. You are not alone in the kicking yourself category. I am rooting really hard for your 7 follicles!

krystalheinze

I end up in the same boat as you with frustration and sadness. I get upset at times because I was always the reponsible one not to have a child out of wedlock or in a bad situation etc. Then I read stories such as your and I am reminded that there are others out there like me and sometimes in even more difficult situations than I. I am 30 and my husband and I have JUST decided to start trying to conceive. You are in my prayers that your prayers will be answered

BernieRae

@KLake42 hope you're feeling better today. You're definitely not alone in sometimes wondering "what if?". In most cases though we have no idea if getting an earlier start would have mattered. I know people who didn't wait and still struggled with unexplained infertility in their 20's. On the flip side my older sister and I started TTC around the same time. She got pregnant within a few months and gave birth to her first at 38. And she had waited. Been with her boyfriend for ten years, stable jobs the whole time, had a home. Who knows why it works out quickly for some and not others. I try to stay positive by just having faith that in the end this path that I'm on will make sense. I keep doing that as I go, thinking that maybe such and such needed to happen before we became parents.

KLake42

Thank you all so much. I am trying to find ways to feel positive. It helps that I know I'm doing everything I can now. 

It means so much to read your kind words. A lot of this is stuff I can't really talk about anywhere but here. Thank you all.

alanna3622

@KLake42 I understand and also feel exactly what you have described. But you made exactly the right decisions for you at the time based on what you knew at the time.

Think of how hard on yourself you are being. I suspect that you would never be as hard on another woman as you are on yourself... isn't that always the case?

Creepy internet hugs to you.

SLGILL1978

I can relate to a majority of what you're saying. I always wanted to be a mother. I was in a long term relationship with my college sweetheart throughout most of my 20s. I always thought we would get married and have kids. Our relationship ended with I was 27. I literally spend the next 5 never in a serious relationship. Then I thought I found the one at 32 only to break up two years later. It was hard for me to be the only single and/or childless one around a majority of my friends. Like you, shortly (very) after my breakup and health problems, I met the one. I was 34 and ready for it to be "my turn". Now, I feel as though I am struggling again at age 37. My husband and I can never get our timing just right. 
I agree with maybe speaking to a therapist? I haven't, but I did end up talking to a really good friend. She went through something similar... getting married at 35 and struggling for a couple of years to get pregnant. She went through fertility treatments and just had her first this past November.