For years, and I mean years, I told myself that if I was going to try to be a parent, I would have to be actively trying by the time I turned 35. And I planned for that financially-- lived super cheap for a while to pay down my debts, got everything squared away. I was never in a good co-parent type of relationship, and I knew it, but I thought that things could change.
I just really, really didn't want to be dealing with the challenges that come from TTC in your late 30s. I knew they were there. I didn't want that.
Then I turned 35, and I was in this stagnant relationship I couldn't get out of, and it wasn't right to be a parent, so I just... gave up. I gave up. I gave up, and I grieved, and I moved on.
Then I got out of that, and met the RIGHT ONE, and we had a lovely year of marriage. Then I was talking about how sad I was when I gave up on being a mother, and she told me we could still try.
And I knew-- it's harder, but not impossible. And yeah, I could at least try.
So now I'm trying, and I've had 7 medicated failed IUIs and am in the midst of stimming for IVF, and my body feels crappy and I only have 7 good looking follicles, and I see younger women with 20-25 follicles (out of which they get two or three good embryos), and I know there's a 70-80% chance that I won't succeed, but here I am, the the thick of it.
I know that younger women get pissed when they're told that they should think about babies before it gets too late, but still, I wish I could go back to 25-year-old me, and tell her to freeze some freaking eggs, that the expense is worth it. I know I made all the choices that were right for me at the time, but jeez, I really screwed up on this.
I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positive. I just can't get there right now, though-- too pissed off at myself.
How about you? I know, we all have reasons for not getting pregnant earlier-- some of us have infertility stuff that kicked in early, some of us were in bad relationships, some of us were just busy. But for those who made some sort of choices and ended up here... on your not-so-good days, do you let this get you down? If you don't, how? How do you stay positive?
Me- 39 (turning 40 in April), TTC for the first time ever (since Jan 2015), low ovarian reserve
Married 3/14/14 to my wonderful wife, but her sperm count is rather low
TTC with frozen donor sperm and science
7 IUIs, 7 BFNs. 2 IVF attempts, both cancelled and converted to IUI, both BFNs. Decided that my tired old ovaries are ready to retire. Next step- reciprocal IVF, using my wife's eggs, my uterus! fresh 5 day transfer (2 embryos) 4/17/17- BFP! Identical twins "due" 1/2/17 (but anticipated arrival sometime December)