Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
MamaUnExpectly3
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Just need to write
MamaUnExpectly3
member
Not expecting replies, I just need someone other than myself to see my words.
Christmas week I realized my regularly scheduled visitor hadn't arrived. I am on birth control so I wasn't overly concerned but yet had that "something is up" feeling. I bought a cheapie test on 12/22 and it quickly came back as positive. My first thought was #$%#$&! Yeah birth control failed. DH and I had only been intimate once in the last six weeks (the last time he had been home from working out of town) at that point so narrowing down conception date was easy. DH has been adamant that he doesn't want any more kids (we have an 8 and 5 year old) so to not ruin his mood during Christmas and to not have him spill the beans to his mother, I didn't say anything to him until the 27th. He was pleasantly ok with the news.
I saw my family doctor on the 29th just to make sure the pregnancy wasn't ectopic, and was told I was indeed very pregnant. I noticed smaller than my pinkie mucus with blood that same day. The 30th and in the morning of the 31st I noticed slight dark/old blood discharge, but wasn't alarmed as it was like once each of those days. I had to work on the 31st. I do mail/newspaper deliveries and had the phone book to get out so I loaded up books around 9:30 am. Took a half hour break and then went out for deliveries. It was nothing stressful or strenuous. Just sit in a car, drive a little, stop, get out, put phone book on doorstep, get back in car, repeat. When I got home what I thought had been a little urine, was blood spotting. I thought it was because I hadn't drank enough water and drank two glasses and went to bed to rest. I didn't sleep, I couldn't sleep for worry; that wonderful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just the day before was fading. The 31st was also our anniversary and we had planned on going out for dinner. We went, I tried to enjoy myself but I still felt uneasy though no more spotting. The 1st saw more spotting and light cramping, I made DH do all the heavy lifting when we went grocery shopping, the 2nd saw even more spotting, I began processing and dealing with the fact I had more than likely miscarried, I cried that evening with realization. The 3rd I processed some more, with more bleeding...more period like now and told DH my fears. He's not an emotional person, so telling him did little to ease my mind other than I knew I needed to just inform him. The 4th was miserable. I had many plans to just move on but instead I cuddled with my daughter on the couch, slept and just didn't do anything for a better part of the day. I did manage to get up and shower and did a little work in the office.
Then there is today. Today I passed everything. It happened so quickly and suddenly. If I sat for to long I couldn't stand without feeling like a waterfall was sprouting from between my legs. The pressure was awful, I just wanted to lay down but having put so much off the day before, I couldn't do that to myself or my children. I showered. I cleaned up Niagara Falls and I went on with my day. Is this how it is suppose to be? I haven't found comfort in the words, "it just wasn't meant to be" because to me getting pregnant when I did was meant to be. I have always said I did not want kids after 35 and definitely not after 36 and then like some cosmic collide I was due August 19th with my 3rd child a month almost to the date of my 35th birthday (Sept 20th)....and then wham that date becomes something I will probably want to scribble off the calendar.forever.
I haven't contacted my family doctor. Not sure what she can do as she is a GP only. I had scheduled an appointment online with a OB in the same chain of medical facilities as my GP in February. I hadn't called them yet to cancel either, luck has it they called me instead. I cringed as the lady started to ask me details to put in the file for the OB and I had to halt her to say, "I miscarried over the New Year's holiday". I heard her breath suck in caught off guard. I quickly ask if I could keep the appointment but change it to a GYN, that in a way helped me have something to look forward to.
I sit here though, cramping still, tears unshed wondering; what next, I still don't know.
George Maxwell - 05/20/2007
Crystal Mae-Marie - 11/18/2010
7w (12/31/15) - A new angel in heaven
Christmas week I realized my regularly scheduled visitor hadn't arrived. I am on birth control so I wasn't overly concerned but yet had that "something is up" feeling. I bought a cheapie test on 12/22 and it quickly came back as positive. My first thought was #$%#$&! Yeah birth control failed. DH and I had only been intimate once in the last six weeks (the last time he had been home from working out of town) at that point so narrowing down conception date was easy. DH has been adamant that he doesn't want any more kids (we have an 8 and 5 year old) so to not ruin his mood during Christmas and to not have him spill the beans to his mother, I didn't say anything to him until the 27th. He was pleasantly ok with the news.
I saw my family doctor on the 29th just to make sure the pregnancy wasn't ectopic, and was told I was indeed very pregnant. I noticed smaller than my pinkie mucus with blood that same day. The 30th and in the morning of the 31st I noticed slight dark/old blood discharge, but wasn't alarmed as it was like once each of those days. I had to work on the 31st. I do mail/newspaper deliveries and had the phone book to get out so I loaded up books around 9:30 am. Took a half hour break and then went out for deliveries. It was nothing stressful or strenuous. Just sit in a car, drive a little, stop, get out, put phone book on doorstep, get back in car, repeat. When I got home what I thought had been a little urine, was blood spotting. I thought it was because I hadn't drank enough water and drank two glasses and went to bed to rest. I didn't sleep, I couldn't sleep for worry; that wonderful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just the day before was fading. The 31st was also our anniversary and we had planned on going out for dinner. We went, I tried to enjoy myself but I still felt uneasy though no more spotting. The 1st saw more spotting and light cramping, I made DH do all the heavy lifting when we went grocery shopping, the 2nd saw even more spotting, I began processing and dealing with the fact I had more than likely miscarried, I cried that evening with realization. The 3rd I processed some more, with more bleeding...more period like now and told DH my fears. He's not an emotional person, so telling him did little to ease my mind other than I knew I needed to just inform him. The 4th was miserable. I had many plans to just move on but instead I cuddled with my daughter on the couch, slept and just didn't do anything for a better part of the day. I did manage to get up and shower and did a little work in the office.
Then there is today. Today I passed everything. It happened so quickly and suddenly. If I sat for to long I couldn't stand without feeling like a waterfall was sprouting from between my legs. The pressure was awful, I just wanted to lay down but having put so much off the day before, I couldn't do that to myself or my children. I showered. I cleaned up Niagara Falls and I went on with my day. Is this how it is suppose to be? I haven't found comfort in the words, "it just wasn't meant to be" because to me getting pregnant when I did was meant to be. I have always said I did not want kids after 35 and definitely not after 36 and then like some cosmic collide I was due August 19th with my 3rd child a month almost to the date of my 35th birthday (Sept 20th)....and then wham that date becomes something I will probably want to scribble off the calendar.forever.
I haven't contacted my family doctor. Not sure what she can do as she is a GP only. I had scheduled an appointment online with a OB in the same chain of medical facilities as my GP in February. I hadn't called them yet to cancel either, luck has it they called me instead. I cringed as the lady started to ask me details to put in the file for the OB and I had to halt her to say, "I miscarried over the New Year's holiday". I heard her breath suck in caught off guard. I quickly ask if I could keep the appointment but change it to a GYN, that in a way helped me have something to look forward to.
I sit here though, cramping still, tears unshed wondering; what next, I still don't know.
George Maxwell - 05/20/2007
Crystal Mae-Marie - 11/18/2010
7w (12/31/15) - A new angel in heaven
Re: Just need to write
Me: 33 & DH: 33
Married: 07/2006
TTC: 10/2015
BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017
TTC since May 2014.
Aug 2014 BFP, EDD April 22, 2015. Low progesterone, started suppositories. Loss at 5w6d.
Nov 19, 2015 BFP at 13 dpo, EDD July 29, 2016. MMC discovered 12/29 (9+4). Natural miscarriage 1/16 (12+1).
AMH results 0.42, 1.2; FSH 12.1, AFC 10, dx DOR.
RPL testing results normal. Nurse recommended progesterone suppositories in TWW.
Clomid + trigger + TI cycle August 2016 - failed. Thin lining.
Femara + trigger + TI cycle December 2016 - failed. Thin lining.
Short LP (8 days).
Acupuncture & Chinese herbs starting January 2017, lengthened LP to 10 days
Summer 2016 LFAF awards:
Winter 2016/2017 LFAF awards:
1/3/15- my angel baby