Disagreement with DH about parent staying after baby

Kimbarbour08

So I'm not sure what to do here. My mom has been planning to stay with us for the first week after baby is born to help out around the house (making meals, cleaning, basically whatever we need). I've been 100% on board with this because I really think we'll appreciate the help (and I'll appreciate her cooking!). I'm a FTM and I'm nervous about the adjustment that first week and I think that I'll really need the help from her. However, DH does not feel the same. He really wants the first week to just be the three of us as a new family (him, baby, and me). While I appreciate what a special time that first week will be, I'm anxious about doing it just the two of us. My mom basically said she could focus on taking care of us so that we can focus on taking care of baby, which sounds pretty perfect to me. I'm just not sure how to feel about this. I really want to respect DH's feelings, and again, I understand the desire for it to just be us, but I really think having my mom would be a huge help and she's already been planning to come up for months. Any thoughts on a possible compromise or if I'm just being unreasonable here? I dunno . . .

summererdvig

While my situation is a bit different, maybe the same approach will help you:

My mom wanted to be in the delivery room and H didn't want anyone but us there. Im fine either way, as long as I have a strong support system. I pretty much told my husband that I expect X, Y and Z from him as labor partner and that if he thinks he's going to be too nervous or anxious to do those things that my mom would be called in.

Maybe explain (if you haven't already) that you intend to do ZERO cooking, cleaning, laundry etc that first week as you will be adjusting to parenthood (just like him). Express that if your mom isn't there, you will need him to pick up that slack. If he anything like my husband you may be able to use some reverse psychology to get your way (insert evil laugh here lol). Pretty much lay out EXACTLY what you will need him to do if your mom doesn't come.

If he really wants that time to bond you may be able to point out that having the house work taken care of will give BOTH of you more time to bond with baby.

Monkeybutt80

Will you husband be home for the first week back on paternity leave/ off from work? If that is the case, you could compromise and have your mom come the week your husband goes back to work. 
With my first, I had my parents and a nanny/helper stay with us for a week (mom insisted). I have mixed feelings about it; it was nice having help; someone to make food, watch the baby while I napped/ showered/ sit on sitz bath nursing my 3rd degree tear. But at the same time, I felt distracted and felt like I couldn't really bond with my baby with everyone hovering over me and the baby.
Based on my last experience, this time, my mom won't be staying with us as she now has moved nearby and has her own place, and I plan to not have anyone over other than visits during the first two weeks (my husband will be on his paternity leave for two weeks). My husband understands that I won't be cooking or cleaning other than doing the baby laundry (babies go through a ridiculous amount of laundry) and we will probably sustain ourselves on take outs and freezer meals that I plan to prepare in the next couple of weeks - I will still getting help from my mother by sending my toddler occasionally over to her when he is not in daycare.
I would explain to your husband that no cleaning or cooking will be done, and if he is ok with helping out with everything, you could consider delaying your moms' stay. 
On the other hand, if your husband will be working full time after the birth and you will be home most of the day alone, then I would strongly suggest having your mom or some help around.

miss071311

i agree with monkeybutt.  if your husband is going to be home and is willing to fill in for all the things you usually do and this first week alone, just the three of you, is important to him... maybe you can compromise and see if your mom can come the second week. 

it's hard though since your mom is from out of town... you probably want to visit with her anyways, and it is nice to have her there for if you have any questions.  but, she'll just be a phone call away and can come up for a long visit a week later. 

Mamacat316

I remember wanting my mom around to help after my son was born, but she lives on a different continent and couldn't make it till like three weeks later...and aside from cuddling him a lot, she really wasn't much help. What became clear very quickly is that the first weeks at home with a newborn are not the complete chaos most people would have you think. We just, like...got takeout a little more than usual. And I was waking up to breastfeed every couple of hours at night. I'm SO GLAD that none of our family was around to get in the way of our new family becoming a family.

Kimbarbour08

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm going to try and have a conversation with DH tonight about what I need and what he plans on doing. He doesn't have specific "paternity leave," but he works for his older brother doing landscaping and his schedule is usually pretty flexible. In the winter he usually doesn't have that much work anyway, so I'm sure he will have that first week home with me and our baby. He just has never cooked a meal since we've been married so I'm concerned about what I'll eat . . . I need to get on freezer meals!!! He's usually pretty helpful with most other housework, but I don't know how he'll be with me not doing what I usually do and both of us probably getting so little sleep. I also don't know if he'll be ok with her staying a different week either . . . I think he just is sort of against the idea of my mom staying with us for anything more than a weekend. I can understand him wanting the first week though so I think I'll compromise on that. Now to figure out how to break it to my mom  

SgtLou2

I agree with Monkeybutt as well. If DH is home and willing to take care of the everyday items (cooking, cleaning, etc), your mom's assistance may be better appreciated by both of you if she comes the week that DH returns to work. I spent the first week home basically topless because of trying to figure out latching and my boobs hurt and then cleaning and tending to my personally healing. It was nice that I didn't have anyone else in the home but DH to help tend to baby (and me) until we figured things out, just the two of us. But DH will have a heck of an adjustment when he returns to work and I'm sure that he will appreciate being able to come home from work to a dinner that he doesn't have to cook and can spend that time with you & LO and be able to get *some* sleep instead of doing those extra chores at night. My hubby said that first week back to work for him was the hardest with missing his girls, being sleep deprived, and then feeling that he needed to be helpful/productive when he returned home at night knowing that I had been doing everything alone all day (and knowing that I was doing 2 feedings in the middle of the night too). My sister is actually going to come help with my toddler and LO for a few days after DH returns to work this time to help with the adjustment from one to two. Sorry, that was a really long response!!

purplepenguin3

I think the ladies had great advice.  Plus, if your house gets a little on the messy side, or you eat out more often as someone else had said no big deal.  I think it's important for you to get to know your baby without a lot of extra people around too.

Latina211508

I think its awesome that he just wants it to be just you two with the baby. I personally wouldn't want anyone visiting. After having 3 children I can honestly say you really don't need "extra help" especially if your husband will be there. But that's just me. Maybe try to compromise and have your mom stay a weekend or few days once he goes back to work.

VitaLuna

If H will be there, you won't really need your mom the first week (aside from cooking, but takeout or freezer meals work fine). If it's *that* important to H, I agree that you need to compromise and save that first week for the three of you, then have her come in when he's back to work.

g8trkim

If your H is going to be off work, I don't see the need for your mom too. What we actually did with my first was that my mom came for the birth and stayed a night, then went back home for a week while H was off. Then she came back and stayed a week. It was awesome having her! Could you do something like that? I know the help will be awesome, but I also think it's important to respect H's wishes. It sounds like it's important for him to have some bonding time together.

purpletulip

I think that situations can differ depending on how your recovery is, how much sleep you're getting, and whether or not you're dealing with PPD.
With our first we had the in laws there during the day and they went to a hotel at night. It was nice to have someone else take care of food and help out but I was ready in the evenings for them to go home and have time alone with my husband and son.
With our second I had a very painful and difficult recovery and needed people to take care of everything.
With our third I needed help because he was having trouble nursing and gaining weight and I had to pump, nurse and wash bottles and pump parts so much. It seemed like that was all I did!
I didn't get much sleep with any of them so it was helpful for my physical and mental well-being to have help.

I like the suggestion of having your mom come when your husband goes back to work!

ashton2190

My mom is planning on coming for the first week to help out. She'd like to be down here when I go into labor so she can take care of the house and the pets so DH doesn't have to leave the hospital. After we get home, her plan is to just be there to cook and clean and jut be in the background if we need her. DH is on board because I think he's still pretty nervous about us taking care of a newborn on our own and we're so far away from family. I think as long as there are expectations set that she's just there as backup, there shouldn't be too much of an issue

Cheryl Renee

Well, I'd say first, like some of the others have said, make sure your intentions are clear to him.  If you plan on not cooking or doing any house work then be sure he is aware of this and that you will need him to help out by picking up those extra things if he does in fact decide he doesn't want your mom to be there.  And if he has any issue with helping do the extra stuff then remind him that that is why your mom was going to come down.

In my own experience with my first little one, we have a church family who provided meals for two weeks.  So we didn't need to cook.  We also have both sets of parents, as well as several aunts in town which dropped by periodically to help out.  One or more of them were at our house every day for the first several weeks.  However, even with them around, we still had plenty of "just us" time too.  So a compromise could be that your mom doesn't stay at the house with you, but just comes during the day.  Pay for her a nice hotel nearby?  That way, you can have alone time and have her around too.  And just explain to her the situation.  I'm sure she'll understand.

Kimbarbour08

Thanks again for all the suggestions! My H and I spoke last night and I think we're on the same page. I need to call my mom now to arrange things with her, but I think the plan will be for it to be just us most of the first week (not sure exactly how long she'll stay after L&D if it isn't for the full week, she may just go back when my dad does after the first day but she can stay a couple days if she wants). Then, later in the month when she has another of her vacation weeks planned she can come up and stay. It's just tricky because she planned time off work around my due date and I feel bad messing with her schedule, but there's enough time I think where we can work it out. My parents live out of state so unfortunately they can't just swing by as needed, they need to make arrangements to come up. But I agree with H that it will be nice to have the bonding time as a family, and as PP's have said, if he's home we should be able to handle things.

He did kind of give me a little attitude when I said I most likely wouldn't be up to cooking, but I am planning to make some meals and freeze them so hopefully that won't be a problem! Also, as another poster mentioned, we do have a great support system from our family (his is in the area), friends, and congregation so we should be ok. I just need to work out things with my mom now, and I hope she won't be too disappointed.

camusoh2011

I'm in a similar boat. I would really like to have some extra help when we come home from the hospital this time. We'll have 2 newborns and 2 older kids and even if someone could come just help keep the house picked up and the older kids entertained and loved on it would be great. Sadly, the only person who could really do that would be my mom and we have had a very rocky relationship lately. DH especially cannot stand her, so her being here would just cause sooooooo much stress. I wish we had another option for someone to come help us. DH thinks his mom may be trying to surprise us and come out, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Kimbarbour08

Update:

So I talked to my mom and she was totally fine with just being around a couple days after the baby is born and then coming for the full week later in the month. Phew! I was really worried how she would take it. I'm still a little worried because DH really doesn't cook, but I'm going to (hopefully) get some meals in the freezer in time so that we can have those. Looks like we're all good now  

robinj716

@Kimbarbour08 My SO doesn't really cook either, but he is extremely picky and doesn't want freezer meals. He already complains now that there is nothing to eat, when the pantry is full! His idea of nothing to eat is if it's not already prepared in the fridge and ready to pop in the microwave for him. I'm worried about how things will be when baby comes, but he has assured me that his mom will make some meals for us, as well as we can have take out and he will cook the few things he does know how to cook. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough road for us

Shortcircuit1984

How about you ask her to come for just the first night or two and see how it goes... maybe you'll feel more confident after that? I think your husband should leave that decision up to you since you'll be the one feeding the baby (well I'm assuming you're breastfeeding, not sure that's the case) and recovering from labor. I'm also planning on having my mom stay the first night or so.  Maybe I'll feel more confident by the time I leave hospital, but as of right now-- all I can think is "I want my Mommy!" lol