Feeling lost and a tad violated....anybody else?

Knottie1426732454

Hey guys,

So, this is my first baby, due in early May, my little boy sitting in a bicornate uterus, so I have the fun job of getting my cervix ultrasounded every two weeks to check for effacing. Since I have a bicornate uterus, I have to get the afformentioned transvaginal ultrasounds, which make me very uncomfortable, because at first, no one told me when they were going to happen. It was just, "Okay, take off your pants."  "Wait, what? Why?"  "Oh, we need to do a transvaginal ultrasound to check your cervix. Did you pee?" Am I crazy for wishing they'd at least tell me, or maybe even ASK if it's okay to put something up my vagina?! It's like I got pregnant, and suddenly EVERYBODY has a free pass to my woman parts, and sometimes more than that, and it feels like everyone expects me to, I don't know, expect and accept it. I don't like it one bit. It makes me dread every appointment and is making me very depressed.

I should mention that this is at a special center for maternal and fetal medicine, and not my OB's office. I'm trying currently to get a new OB, since the last one was very condescending and judgmental (I'm already pretty fragile, being an ADDer off my meds) but it's a pain in the butt to get a new one on the phone. The ADD is not helping at all with this problem, but since I can't get a new OB, I feel very obligated to keep going to the center for maternal and fetal medicine, just to make sure my little Hush Puppy is doing okay in there (every one has made me feel very anxious and nervous for my baby.....lots of talk about the possibility of an incompetent cervix, failure to thrive, preterm labor, etc etc etc).

I feel as though I'm going insane, and I don't know what to do to take control of the situation or at least, my feelings about it. Any advice?

doozer1345

I'm not exactly sure of any advice I can give. I don't understand how it was a shock that they would be lurking around your lady parts since essentially it's a ob/gyno type office we have to go to to check the baby. Maybe calling up to the center you're going to and asking them to give you a run down of what to expect during your appts or any handouts they may have to better prepare you for your visits may help. You're going to be poked and prodded a lot through this process and if you're due in early May then you're at least half way through your pg right?

Also, educate yourself on your condition with your uterus. Go to the center with questions for the specialists you're seeing so you can be better prepared when you hear people being negative about it. I have a unicornuate uterus, have had a full term pg and birth, and am pg again without as many issues as I had the first go round.

cMichelle0423

Knottie1426732454 said:

Hey guys,

So, this is my first baby, due in early May, my little boy sitting in a bicornate uterus, so I have the fun job of getting my cervix ultrasounded every two weeks to check for effacing. Since I have a bicornate uterus, I have to get the afformentioned transvaginal ultrasounds, which make me very uncomfortable, because at first, no one told me when they were going to happen. It was just, "Okay, take off your pants."  "Wait, what? Why?"  "Oh, we need to do a transvaginal ultrasound to check your cervix. Did you pee?" Am I crazy for wishing they'd at least tell me, or maybe even ASK if it's okay to put something up my vagina?! It's like I got pregnant, and suddenly EVERYBODY has a free pass to my woman parts, and sometimes more than that, and it feels like everyone expects me to, I don't know, expect and accept it. I don't like it one bit. It makes me dread every appointment and is making me very depressed.

I should mention that this is at a special center for maternal and fetal medicine, and not my OB's office. I'm trying currently to get a new OB, since the last one was very condescending and judgmental (I'm already pretty fragile, being an ADDer off my meds) but it's a pain in the butt to get a new one on the phone. The ADD is not helping at all with this problem, but since I can't get a new OB, I feel very obligated to keep going to the center for maternal and fetal medicine, just to make sure my little Hush Puppy is doing okay in there (every one has made me feel very anxious and nervous for my baby.....lots of talk about the possibility of an incompetent cervix, failure to thrive, preterm labor, etc etc etc).

I feel as though I'm going insane, and I don't know what to do to take control of the situation or at least, my feelings about it. Any advice?

I'm sorry you're so bothered by the TV ultrasounds... But I feel like it's kind of common knowledge that when you get pregnant, you're eventually going to have people poking around your lady bits. Obviously the ultrasounds are necessary. So I'm not sure why your dr wanting to check and keep up with your cervical health during pregnancy is such an issue for you. Would you prefer them not check and just cross your fingers that nothing happens, knowing you have a possibility of an issue occurring? You can always call before your appts and find out what they plan on doing for you at your visit. That way you're not so blind sided when you go in. I'm not really sure what else to tell ya. If you don't like the care you're receiving, go somewhere else.

ETA: These are trained medical professionals trying to give you the best care they can. Unless you're a sexual abuse victim, I don't feel like there's a reason to feel so violated. It's always awkward to have someone other than your sexual partner(s) looking and touching your vagina, but with being pregnant, all of that comes with the territory.

oceanchild

I'm sorry you're having these uncomfortable feelings. The fact that you're becoming depressed is worth talking to your doctor or a therapist about. Even if there isn't a history of sexual abuse, it can still be an awkward and even violating experience to be exposed and touched, and if those are your feelings, well, those are your feelings and they are valid. But to ensure the health and safety of your little "hushpuppy" (especially with your bicornate uterus) you do need to be examined. I agree with a PP about preparing yourself before every encounter. When you get there, be proactive with the questions and ask "what exactly are we going to be doing today" instead of waiting for them to tell you to strip. Some medical professionals just don't have the best bedside manner and compassion, and even the great ones have days where they forget that what is routine to them isn't routine to the anxious patient in their exam rooms. Ask about your next appt while you are there too, and seek someone you can talk to and work through these feelings with, like a counselor or doctor or close friend. Good luck.

kalanieileen

I can understand feeling uncomfortable but not violated. I feel like it's a given that medical professionals will be all up in and around your lady parts. My first ultrasound was transvaginal and while yes it surprised me and was a bit awkward, I didn't feel violated. Unless my doctor was explicitly inappropriate while doing TVs or breast exams or Pap smears, I wouldn't feel violated because it's not a violation. It's a medical procedure.

I guess do what PP said and if you're truly uncomfortable ask what to expect so you're not "surprised."

AmadorRose

As someone who has been on the giving AND receiving ends of vaginal exams, let me assure you that the people doing your exams enjoy those special moments even less than you do. Having a bicornicate uterus means you're going to be monitored much more closely than someone who doesn't and is low-risk; I'm sorry this wasn't explained to you thoroughly. I suggest reading up your condition and becoming your own advocate. If they need to do TVs that often, ask why. Ask exactly what they're looking for, if there's anything you can do to help prevent any issues, any way for you to check yourself. The more involved you become in your health, the easier it is to really be your own advocate.

Many people don't ask for explanations and pretend they understand everything the doctor tells them so they don't look ignorant, but I have a secret for you; people in healthcare don't think patients are stupid when they ask questions regarding their own health. We would much rather break it down to an understandable level for you than have you google everything and freak out, thinking you have cancer or AIDS. We only think you're a little dumb when you lodge complaints about things that would have been easily explained if you had just asked. If your providers are rude or make unprofessional remarks, by all means speak up. Otherwise, you are an adult and will be treated as such. If you don't ask questions, you won't be coddled and hand-held, and the time that would've been spent answering your questions will be used for someone else who does.

peregrinefalconx

Are you seeing a therapist? I would suggest getting one, particularly as you've gone off of your meds (BTW, this is coming from someone who is now seeing a super specialized therapist and I couldn't go off of mine--so no judgment on that front). The extra support is extremely helpful. You are already going through a lot of changes physically, emotionally, psychologically and having the brain changes is a whole huge added layer. A therapist can teach you coping devices. Also, you need to be reading up on the condition of your uterus--some ladies can get pretty far with it, others have micro-preemies [EDIT: my cousin in law has a bicornate and had a rough time. One baby born at 24 weeks and the other later. Those babies are fine and HUGE now! The 3 year old looks 6!]. Once you have extra support is when I would start.

As for the transvaginals, being a fertility patient, I've had had so many wands stuck in me I don't care--I did what it took to get this baby. This entire process is deeply related to your vagina, so you'll need to toughen up on this one. Remember who you are doing this for and why. GL and find some extra support--we all really do need it, particularly if we aren't super into our docs.

Jules08

I have to agree with a lot of what has been said already.

I am sorry that you are feeling uncomfortable.  Definitely ask ahead of time what to expect for each of your upcoming appointments so that you can be prepared.  Talk to your providers to let them know that you might need them to talk you through the exams so you understand what is going to happen and what is happening.  Ask as many questions as you need to in order to feel more comfortable with the procedures and how your body is progressing through your pregnancy.

It sounds like you will continue to have the extra monitoring and that it is absolutely necessary.  I would start addressing your concerns with your care providers NOW as the closer you get to delivery the more you may be examined.  Not to mention ... actual labor and delivery, modesty pretty much goes out the window.

jonesl12

AmadorRose said:

As someone who has been on the giving AND receiving ends of vaginal exams, let me assure you that the people doing your exams enjoy those special moments even less than you do. Having a bicornicate uterus means you're going to be monitored much more closely than someone who doesn't and is low-risk; I'm sorry this wasn't explained to you thoroughly. I suggest reading up your condition and becoming your own advocate. If they need to do TVs that often, ask why. Ask exactly what they're looking for, if there's anything you can do to help prevent any issues, any way for you to check yourself. The more involved you become in your health, the easier it is to really be your own advocate.

Many people don't ask for explanations and pretend they understand everything the doctor tells them so they don't look ignorant, but I have a secret for you; people in healthcare don't think patients are stupid when they ask questions regarding their own health. We would much rather break it down to an understandable level for you than have you google everything and freak out, thinking you have cancer or AIDS. We only think you're a little dumb when you lodge complaints about things that would have been easily explained if you had just asked. If your providers are rude or make unprofessional remarks, by all means speak up. Otherwise, you are an adult and will be treated as such. If you don't ask questions, you won't be coddled and hand-held, and the time that would've been spent answering your questions will be used for someone else who does.

So much this^

megstervt

Seeing a therapist to help you figure out various coping skills would probably be very beneficial. I don't share your feelings of being violated, but the "unknown" gives me anxiety. For me, I've asked my doctors to talk me through the procedures as they're being done; things like what they're going to do next, what sensations I might feel and WHY they're doing it. No one has ever batted an eye at this and for me the information is very comforting and reduces my anxiety.

For other people this probably would be awful, they may just want the doctor to do their thing and get it over with. Knowing what's coming wouldn't be helpful. That's why working with a therapist to identify and practice skills will be helpful.

kyraaD

i agree with PP's on this.

unless you are a sexual assault victim, i dont understand why you feel violated. i can understand wanting a little warning, but warning or not, it's nothing to feel violated over.

it's a medical procedure that you obviously need to make sure everything is going okay for you & baby. these people don't enjoy it. it's just something that needs to be done, you know? besides, i would try to get used to it now. come time to give birth, your lady bits will be wide open for everyone in that room to see.

anyways, like PP's have said, i would just ask at your next appointment exactly what you should expect to happen. that way you won't be caught off guard when it comes time to do certain procedures like this one. good luck, OP!

FinePlacentaPie

Agree with PPs that you will definitely want to address this before you give birth. I was induced, so it's a slightly different experience, but I endured all sorts of different things going in and out of my lower parts, including electrodes for monitoring, having my water broken for me, and eventually vacuum extraction. Keep yourself well-informed of what is going on and always ask if something doesn't feel right, but trust that your medical team is doing only what is necessary. I would stick with the MFM center as long as they feel they should see you, the specialists only get involved when it's needed. Good luck.

michellabanana

I remember when I first when to the gynecologist when I was young a nurse held my hand, I was so nervous. If you're nervous and uncomfortable, I would definitely research and ask your doctor about the procedures. And if you're still nervous, maybe have someone youre comfortable with be in the room with you

fourtsixand2

I agree that it shouldn't be of any shock that you are going to be opening up your lady parts to all sorts of testing and probing given that you're pregnant. 
I also think that it's your job to educate yourself as best as you can as to what to expect when you are going in for your appointments.  
I read as much as I could what to expect at my first appointment, 2nd appointment, and so on.  
There are different types of ultrasounds, and your body just so happens to need a trans-vaginal ultrasound.  There shouldn't be any thing offensive about that, in my opinion.

My best advice would be, if you're concerned or on the shy side about this, talk directly with whoever is going to be doing your appointments and ask what you should expect each time, even if that means calling the day before to find out what will be required of you.  Tell them you are new to this and you were a little taken aback but would like to be more "in the know" going forward.

I understand your anxiety - my husband suffers from ADD and can be a lot to deal with when he's not on his medication - but the best way to control your anxiety and give you better peace of mind is to ask questions.  
Good luck!

tripledaggerWed95976

I conceived after almost a year of fertility testing, treatments, monitoring, IUIs, and IVF. As a result, In the last year I've had at least 50 (but probably closer to 75 or 100) transvaginal ultrasounds. Yes they are annoying, but I find it a bit of a stretch to consider them to be a violation. As someone with your condition They are just a necessary part of your pregnancy.

Maybe try your best to instead of seeing it as a violation, see it as a blessing that you are getting the care you need to best ensure a healthy pregnancy?

PrimRoseMama

First, I'm confused-- they did inform you & odds are you signed consent forms upon intake/admission to your doctor's practice? You can ALWAYS ask them to stop & explain what will happen before you get an exam.

All you have to do is state, "I'm nervous about this. Can you explain exactly what will happen? Why do I need this? Can we go slow?" They are human too (the medical staff). I'm not sure exactly why you feel "violated"?

I'm really sorry you felt jumped & that you weren't prepared. However, due to your risk factors you should expect monitoring of this nature.

If you need to, ask your OB and MFM to give you a boat load of literature for you to read. They can & will do it for you. Inform yourself as much as possible.

oceanchild

Something that my u/s tech always does for every TV sonogram is she lets the patient insert the wand herself and then takes over the scan. Maybe you could ask if that's an option?

austinjl

I had to go in twice for NT scan because baby wouldn't cooperate. The first u/s tech asked me if I've had a vaginal probe u/s before and the second one asked me if I wanted to insert it or wanted her to do it. I preferred the second tech's approach. If I were you I would tell a the tech hat you want to insert the probe. That shouldn't be an issue. Sorry you're havin this trouble.

groovylocks

Op i get it becauase i found that experience to be difficult - and i didn't have special circumstances where i had to have way more than what is typical. 

Maybe you realize you'll have them but don't like their approach. For me, several nurses didn't approach me carefully enough (it says right in my chart to approach my lady parts very carefully and to tell me exactly what you plan to do before you do it) and if this is the case, i urge you to speak frankly with somebody who can put a note on your chart indicating your need to be treated a bit more carefully.

But please be prepared for L&D - it's extraordinarily invasive and there is a lot of touching. I mean that sounds obvious but it's not as obvious as you think - because when you're going through it, it's still shocking. So just be prepared that it gets worse before it's over.

CupcakesRamazing

I go into every appointment expecting to have to strip down and get examined so when it ends up I don't have to- feels like a bonus. OP I'm sorry you feel violated and it's sucky you have to get them every time but the benefits outweigh your fear I think. Use this as preparation for labor- I had all sorts of people checking my cervix, feeling baby crowning, stretching me so I wouldn't tear (did anyways) and stitches after that. After labor I'll gladly take a vaginal ultrasound and all that, you kinda get used to it.

I hope you find a good therapist to talk about your fears. The coping mechanisms they will teach you will help during your appointments and during labor.

AmadorRose

@groovylocks your actual medical information states to "approach your lady parts very carefully"? Please document this, for science. Also, why don't you just ask them to explain everything they do rather than expect them to know what makes you uncomfortable? Do you have any idea how many vaginas these people see each day?

Somersky

Agree with lots of PPs, BUT... I also think it's worth really checking around to find a provider you like. Not all providers have the same processes. I had 4 u/s (2 TV) with my first provider by the 13-week mark, and that's with a perfectly normal pregnancy and no issues at all. I also got a crazy $13,000 bill for what should've been routine bloodwork (which the lab knocked down to $200 for my copay, instead of the $2,700 it initially was).

I had my suspicions, but I didn't really know how strange all this was until I switched to a new provider. I've loved it--much less invasive testing and only 1 u/s (the anatomy scan) in the last 12 weeks. With your uterine condition, there may only be one proper way to monitor (lots of TV u/s), but you won't know unless you ask your provider and/or find a new one.

Best of luck!

wildtot

Iv had many TV u/s due to being diagnosed with endo a bit over 5 years ago. Had two surgeries (yes with my legs wide open) and many paps. As uncomfortable as they maybe its a blessing to me to see and know that my doctor cares that much. I dealt with an MC this past May and had many bleeding episodes early on with my current pregnancy. Unfortunatly its something that has to be done in some cases. I saw my doc every week for the first month and every time there was a TV u/s. Honestly its the one thing that kept me sane during the first tri. I am 24+4 today and they have decreased for me but wouldnt be surprised to get one if I start having issues again. Hang in there, understand and accept the need, and know that its all for your baby. Read up on your condition and talk more to your doc about what you can expect.

soxfan9968

I'm really disappointed that OP never responded to her own thread. She's received a lot of responses and has provided no feedback. Why bother posting your story if you're not going to respond?

herfst80

I agree with a lot of pp's.
The only thing i can add (took me 6 years to get pregnant and a lot of treatments and even more vaginal ultrasounds; when i have to come in for an us now, i almost everytime want to take my pants down for the us, that's how used i got to them, fortunately i never did ) is dress for it. Although i don't know how it works in the states (in every movie i see everybody always wear a hospital gown but do not know if this is truly real life) but here in Holland you wear your own clothes. In the beginning i made sure i wore a dress or a long sweater so i didn't had the feeling i had to cross the room al naked and felt less exposed when lying in the chair. Must say that after a while i got used to it and didn't care anymore but that takes time... Good luck!

groovylocks

AmadorRose said:

@groovylocks your actual medical information states to "approach your lady parts very carefully"? Please document this, for science. Also, why don't you just ask them to explain everything they do rather than expect them to know what makes you uncomfortable? Do you have any idea how many vaginas these people see each day?

I guess i need to make it clearer that i was paraphrasing. I haven't read my chart. I'm just aware that it's noted in my chart that I need to be treated with kid gloves when it comes ot touching. 

I don't care how many vaginas they see daily. There is only one vagina that I had to worry about while I was pregnant and that was my own. These doctors work in women's health and part of women's health is to be sensitive to women who have trauma issues with invasive touch. 

And yes. I do ask them to explain everything they're about to do, as i mentioned in my original post.....groovylocks said:

Op i get it becauase i found that experience to be difficult - and i didn't have special circumstances where i had to have way more than what is typical. 

Maybe you realize you'll have them but don't like their approach. For me, several nurses didn't approach me carefully enough (it says right in my chart to approach my lady parts very carefully and to tell me exactly what you plan to do before you do it) and if this is the case, i urge you to speak frankly with somebody who can put a note on your chart indicating your need to be treated a bit more carefully.

But please be prepared for L&D - it's extraordinarily invasive and there is a lot of touching. I mean that sounds obvious but it's not as obvious as you think - because when you're going through it, it's still shocking. So just be prepared that it gets worse before it's over.

DrillSergeantCat

AmadorRose said:

@groovylocks your actual medical information states to "approach your lady parts very carefully"? Please document this, for science. Also, why don't you just ask them to explain everything they do rather than expect them to know what makes you uncomfortable? Do you have any idea how many vaginas these people see each day?

Do you know how many cars a mechanic sees everyday? Even if it's hundreds, each one needs to be treated differently. 

fourtsixand2

I just want to add that no one has a "free pass to your vagina", so please don't think that.  No doctor will ever touch or probe your vagina without your consent.  
Do understand that, to them, this is their job, so they aren't going to be as sensitive about their procedures as you probably expect them to be unless you have a serious talk with them.  They don't know your level of anxiety about it unless you tell them specifically.
I would advise you to talk to them next time and say "look, I know you do this every day, but I need to reiterate that I have certain traumatic issues and for my own security and peace of mind, I really need to know what to expect....as far in advance as possible.  What are you going to do, when are you going to do it, and what can I expect?"
I don't think any women "enjoys" the idea of being spread eagle on a OB table getting checked out, but it's part of pregnancy.  
If your medical situation requires you to have transvaginal ultrasounds, tell them to allow you the time you need to calm down or be in a more relaxed state, rather than rushing to get it over with.  You don't have to "ask" them to allow you that - that is your right.
And, lastly, don't be afraid to have a friend or family member come with you to help keep you more relaxed.

Knottie1442268460

When I had my tv I put the probe in. There was also a "chaperone" in the room.

cmerribury

I think what this really comes down to is speaking up and advocating for yourself. I don't have problems with TV u/s because I've had dozens over the years for various reasons. They fairly common for a variety of medical conditions. That said, if I did have concerns I would let the u/s tech know. I wouldn't second guess my doctor, however If they have determined that this is the best method for checking on a condition, then it probably is.

Knottie1426732454

Thanks for all the advice everybody!

I talked to my fiance about it, and he thinks (and I agree) that my discomfort was largely stemming from the feeling of not being in control any more. You know, with a surprise pregnancy, and having to go off my meds, then discovering that I had a bicornate uterus, it all added up into one big, unexpected shift that I was having a lot of trouble coping with. Since then, he helped me discuss with the doctors about why the TVs had to be done, and as it turns out, they really didn't. My last measurement was a very healthy 3.56 cm and with no warning signs of preterm labor, I am free from biweekly cervix checks until the third trimester. My fiance also mentioned that I seemed more comfortable with my first TV in which the tech let me put in the probe myself, and I again quite agree.

Thanks again for the support, and here's to happy, healthy babies!

Whitmore1027

I always assumed that being pregnant that I would have to take my pants off at every visit. So, it was actually a shock to me when I went in for my 12 month ultrasound and it wasn't a trans vaginal ultrasound. Haha!! I was like...OH I don't have to take off my pants? Felt kinda dumb at that point.   But yeah. I knew from the beginning they would probably be poking around in there fairly often.

The way I look at it is, this is normal. This is their job. This isn't weird for them, it shouldn't be for me. They have seen everything and are only doing what's necessary. That view makes me feel better for when they DO mess around down south.