This is mostly a vent session - I sincerely hope no one else is having to deal with this. To put it quite simply - my mother is insanely overbearing and I'm on the verge of a total meltdown.
Some backstory - we've always had a slightly turbulent relationship. She's my mother, and I love her, but as far back as I can remember things have always had to be her way. End of discussion. The winter I started college she moved back to her home state. I was more than relieved to have some distance between us. Aside from a 6 month stint a few years back, we've lived in separate states for 12 years now and see each other a few times a year for a few days, or maybe a week. That has been more than enough. As a child/teenager I couldn't stand up for myself. As an adult, I do my best to stand up to her when she gets out of line. I wouldn't consider myself a pushover by any means, but she essentially bullies until she gets her way and I eventually just give up.
She was one of the first people I told I was pregnant, and it has been a never-ending barrage of overbearing craziness since then. It started off innocently enough, she was sending me daily articles she found online about misc. pregnancy related stuff. Then she went and made a baby registry and proceeded to tell me she was going to buy me everything on it. I reminded her that we live in an 800 sq. ft 1940’s house with only 2 tiny bedrooms and half the stuff on her list wouldn’t fit in my house. Not to mention, my child does NOT need all 70 bazillion “baby music” cd’s. I finally got up the courage to call her and tell her politely that since I was (at the time) only 4 weeks along, it would be nice if she could just chill for a bit on baby related stuff. And she did… for a week or two.
She’s been in town for the past few days and already I can see the wheels of “my way. end of discussion.” turning. She made a very direct comment at dinner last night that my hubby wouldn’t need to worry about staying at the hospital with me after the baby’s born because she would be there the entire time and would wake me up when the baby needed anything. Being in a public place with other people around, I let it slide. Hubby and I have already decided we don’t want anyone in the room or even visiting for the first day, but I didn’t think we needed to have this discussion with anyone yet. Apparently we do. Then today, she once again reiterates that she’ll be coming up in the weeks before my due date and staying for a few weeks after - she even threw in a very non-chalant comment about possibly moving back to be close to the baby. I’m pretty sure if she moves back, I’m going to go completely insane.
I realize I should be thankful I have a mother who cares and wants to be a part of this child’s life - I know some people do not have that kind of support. But given her overbearing nature I am super fearful that if left unchecked this is going to escalate to a point where everything just erupts.
I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and tell her in no uncertain terms she needs to back off. But I don’t know if I can even do that.
Sorry to unload on y’all. I really just need a place to vent. Hubby feels bad for me, but he’s super lucky in that his parents are very hands-off with his/our personal matters. He has no way of understanding.
Re: dealing with an overbearing parent
Good luck!
1. It's your pregnancy and your home. I understand living in a small space and not having room for tons and tons of random crap that you don't need. In no uncertain terms, you do need to tell her to stop. You will register for what YOU and DH want and need. She doesn't get to register for what SHE thinks SHE wants and needs. That's not how this works.
2. As far as the delivery room goes, I agree with not telling her until AFTER you go into labor. It may seen harsh, but you'll be doing you self a favor. If you need encouragement, there's a crazy in laws board on BabyCenter. I'll see if I can find a link when I'm at my computer later tonight. Read it, and do what you need to do.
3. It's your house and you're married now. She doesn't get to invite herself over. Maybe you'll decide when the time comes that you'll want her there, but it's your decision. Not hers.
4. She is not more important than your husband. I'm offended for your husband that she essentially told him not to come. She didn't take any part in creating this child. She got to experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery. She's had her turn, and now it's yours and your husband's turn. Many people don't even tell family members that they've given birth until after they get home - this is to keep unwanted people away, and also to prevent others from making an announcement before they can (if they care about that).
It sounds like you really need to tell her to knock it off. If she buys you items that you've asked her not to, return them of exchange them. If she can't respect your wishes, she slant need to be around (easier said than done, I know). Lean on your husband for support here. Like you said, it's only going to get worse if you don't put a stop to it now.
She kept pushing the issue saying that she wasn't going to miss the first couple of days of her granddaughters life and I finally had to put my foot down. I explained she has had her children, this is mine. She is welcome to schedule her visit for a week or so after the baby was due and was very clear in my expectations while she was here. It was more helpful having her there later as everyone disappears after the first two weeks anyway.
I completely understand how big of a deal it is for her but sometimes the grandmas seem to lose sight that this is a huge moment for both parents and they deserve the time to enjoy these memories as a new family. Good luck with the talk! I'm sure things will work out for the best. Parents definitely change when they turn into grandparents so setting firm boundaries early on is best.
Baby #2: Emmeline Grey - August 2016
Baby #3: BFP 9/7/18 | EDD 05/24/19
Just like everyone has said, you are going to have to make decisions that are best for you and DH.
@Toricharline Holy cow! Your mom had her own baby name picked out!?! Wow. Good for you for standing up to her.
Stay strong!!! Xo