dealing with an overbearing parent

BritMC18

This is mostly a vent session - I sincerely hope no one else is having to deal with this. To put it quite simply - my mother is insanely overbearing and I'm on the verge of a total meltdown. 

Some backstory - we've always had a slightly turbulent relationship. She's my mother, and I love her, but as far back as I can remember things have always had to be her way. End of discussion. The winter I started college she moved back to her home state. I was more than relieved to have some distance between us. Aside from a 6 month stint a few years back, we've lived in separate states for 12 years now and see each other a few times a year for a few days, or maybe a week. That has been more than enough. As a child/teenager I couldn't stand up for myself.  As an adult, I do my best to stand up to her when she gets out of line. I wouldn't consider myself a pushover by any means, but she essentially bullies until she gets her way and I eventually just give up. 

She was one of the first people I told I was pregnant, and it has been a never-ending barrage of overbearing craziness since then. It started off innocently enough, she was sending me daily articles she found online about misc. pregnancy related stuff. Then she went and made a baby registry and proceeded to tell me she was going to buy me everything on it. I reminded her that we live in an 800 sq. ft 1940’s house with only 2 tiny bedrooms and half the stuff on her list wouldn’t fit in my house. Not to mention, my child does NOT need all 70 bazillion “baby music” cd’s. I finally got up the courage to call her and tell her politely that since I was (at the time) only 4 weeks along, it would be nice if she could just chill for a bit on baby related stuff. And she did… for a week or two.

She’s been in town for the past few days and already I can see the wheels of “my way. end of discussion.” turning. She made a very direct comment at dinner last night that my hubby wouldn’t need to worry about staying at the hospital with me after the baby’s born because she would be there the entire time and would wake me up when the baby needed anything. Being in a public place with other people around, I let it slide. Hubby and I have already decided we don’t want anyone in the room or even visiting for the first day, but I didn’t think we needed to have this discussion with anyone yet. Apparently we do. Then today, she once again reiterates that she’ll be coming up in the weeks before my due date and staying for a few weeks after - she even threw in a very non-chalant comment about possibly moving back to be close to the baby. I’m pretty sure if she moves back, I’m going to go completely insane. 

I realize I should be thankful I have a mother who cares and wants to be a part of this child’s life - I know some people do not have that kind of support. But given her overbearing nature I am super fearful that if left unchecked this is going to escalate to a point where everything just erupts. 

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and tell her in no uncertain terms she needs to back off. But I don’t know if I can even do that. 

Sorry to unload on y’all. I really just need a place to vent. Hubby feels bad for me, but he’s super lucky in that his parents are very hands-off with his/our personal matters. He has no way of understanding. 

SMRandbaby

I think you may need to sit down and have a boundaries conversation. You need to stand up for yourself and set the boundaries or it will only get worse. Make sure she knows that it is your way or end of discussion. Tell her how u feel that you feel bullied... I know what is best, but if she doesn't cut it out there will Brno relationship

abern8

A long ways away, but when you go into labor - do not call her! Call her after, when you can tolerate her coming to see you. Also, give your doctor and nurses strict instructions about when/ how long she is allowed in the room. You need to start setting your foot down now. Most importantly, take care of you. If you can, can your hubby be a buffer? If she calls and you are stressed, don't pick up.

Toricharline

Okay, let me speak from experience. Your relationship sounds identical to mine and my mothers. When I was pregnant with my daughter, who is 20 months now, I went through all the same things. She bought all sorts of stuff, even the theme for my nursery, without asking. It was very irritating. She insisted that she was going to stay with me for weeks after baby was born, and be in the room during delivery. I always corrected her and told her the way things actually were going to be. Long story short, the more pregnant I got, the more emotional our talks got, and would turn into HUGE blow outs, where she basically turned me into a crazy person. I ended up not speaking to her for weeks leading up to my daughters birth. It was very stressful and totally sucked. The fights I mean lol. Anyways, my advice would be, put your foot down when you need to, but let her think what ever she needs to think. This will be a long pregnancy if you are constantly letting her stress you out. When I was in labor, I told her I was going to the hospital but not to come because no one was allowed in the room. She came anyways, and came in the room. My husband ended up telling her to leave when it got closer for me to push. Also, the nurses will do that if you ask them too. They will stop people at the door and not allow them in. This time around, I actually will not be telling anyone when I go into labor (besides DH obviously). Anywhoo, you can definitely have a "boundaries" conversation, but I would keep it short and sweet. "Mom, I appreciate your excitement, but this is MY pregnancy, MY delivery, and MY baby. I love that you want to help out so much, but I would really appreciate it if you would respect my wishes more, and ask me before you do something, and actually listen to my answer. If I need your help, I will ask." I've already had to put my mom in check this morning because she has been calling my unborn child the name that she has chosen. I told her that it was not my babies name, and it will not be my babies name.
Good luck!

DisneyIsabelle

I say let her buy you anything she wants and then exchange it for what you want/need

imakeeff0rts

Agreed with pretty much what has been said.
1. It's your pregnancy and your home. I understand living in a small space and not having room for tons and tons of random crap that you don't need. In no uncertain terms, you do need to tell her to stop. You will register for what YOU and DH want and need. She doesn't get to register for what SHE thinks SHE wants and needs. That's not how this works.
2. As far as the delivery room goes, I agree with not telling her until AFTER you go into labor. It may seen harsh, but you'll be doing you self a favor. If you need encouragement, there's a crazy in laws board on BabyCenter. I'll see if I can find a link when I'm at my computer later tonight. Read it, and do what you need to do.
3. It's your house and you're married now. She doesn't get to invite herself over. Maybe you'll decide when the time comes that you'll want her there, but it's your decision. Not hers.
4. She is not more important than your husband. I'm offended for your husband that she essentially told him not to come. She didn't take any part in creating this child. She got to experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery. She's had her turn, and now it's yours and your husband's turn. Many people don't even tell family members that they've given birth until after they get home - this is to keep unwanted people away, and also to prevent others from making an announcement before they can (if they care about that).

It sounds like you really need to tell her to knock it off. If she buys you items that you've asked her not to, return them of exchange them. If she can't respect your wishes, she slant need to be around (easier said than done, I know). Lean on your husband for support here. Like you said, it's only going to get worse if you don't put a stop to it now.

haboobjob

I feel you!! I had a similar situation with my mom with my DD. The part that completely crossed the line for me was insisting to be present for the birth and be there right after the baby was born. We joked early on that if she tried to force her way in, we would tell security that a mad woman is in the hospital and block her from the room. Considering that I was going to have a c-section (breech baby), she wouldn't even be allowed in the OR and and I didn't need the extra pressure as I was recovering.

She kept pushing the issue saying that she wasn't going to miss the first couple of days of her granddaughters life and I finally had to put my foot down. I explained she has had her children, this is mine. She is welcome to schedule her visit for a week or so after the baby was due and was very clear in my expectations while she was here. It was more helpful having her there later as everyone disappears after the first two weeks anyway.

I completely understand how big of a deal it is for her but sometimes the grandmas seem to lose sight that this is a huge moment for both parents and they deserve the time to enjoy these memories as a new family. Good luck with the talk! I'm sure things will work out for the best. Parents definitely change when they turn into grandparents so setting firm boundaries early on is best.

nanner26

I feel for you. I had to tell my mom the other day she would not be in the delivery room. She just assumed she would be for some reason. After I told her it would just be me and DH she looked like I had just ruined her day and said "okay, we can talk about it later." Like I'm going to change my mind.
Just like everyone has said, you are going to have to make decisions that are best for you and DH.

@Toricharline Holy cow! Your mom had her own baby name picked out!?! Wow. Good for you for standing up to her.

tmk0325

We haven't told my SO other's parents yet, but I have heard from other people that his mother tried to be in the delivery room when one of the other grandchildren were born.  I'll be curious to see what she says when we tell her we are expecting. I did tell my mom a long time ago, before we found out we were expecting, that when that day comes that only my SO and I will be in the delivery. She said she would keep everyone else out! The good thing is his sister is expecting a baby a week before me, so hopefully that will take the pressure off of us! I am thinking that I will probably take everyones advice and not call either set of grandparents until after we are already there!

Mrsrundell

I can understand to a degree and send hugs your way. My mom means well but, it is difficult for me to tell her no or keep boundaries. Stay kind but, find your inner strength to let her know that you and your husband are excited to make parenting decisions (and mistakes!) together so you will consider all of her amazing guidance and advice but this your family.

Stay strong!!! Xo