3 week old & DH going out with friends already...

ErinKimm

DD is 3 weeks old and a few days ago my DH went to hangout with friends after he worked all day. Went out from 8pm-11:30pm. I was home with DD all day and then it was just her and I that evening as well. Now today he left again to go watch a football game at a friends house. I guess I thought he would spend more time at home after DD was born. I get that he wants to spend time with the guys but I'm the one left alone with DD all day and I'm the one getting up all hours of the night to feed and change her while he sleeps...it just doesn't seem fair that he gets to go out already. He tells me to go do something with my friends but I honestly don't want to...I want to enjoy our time together as a family and start getting into a routine that works for us. Anyone else's husband going out already? Am I overreacting?

esscapelle

My DH isn't going out with friends yet, but I don't think I'd be upset if he wanted to at this point, and our baby boy is only 2 weeks old. I think the important thing is that you make your expectations clear with each other and follow those. So if that means not going out for a certain amount of time, okay, but make sure you both agree to whatever terms you create. Hope you two can find a happy medium to spending time together as a family, and still having your independence when needed! Good luck.

celainev

My DH went to see Star Wars with his friends the night we came home from the hospital. And he's been out quite a few times since then. I'm perfectly okay with it, as long as he's home before we go to bed. (He knows this.)

I'm not a very social person and like to be home at night, while my DH has a great group of friends and likes going out. He only goes to the movies or plays board games/plays in his band, not going to bars or anything, so I respect that he needs that social time.

This can be completely different for any relationship though. I know it has always worked for ours, but you need to talk to your DH if you feel he isn't spending enough time with you.

teachmegs817

I think I'd be okay with DH going out with friends every now and then, but would expect him to be helpful around the house when he's home with us.  If you're already finding that you're doing much of the care for the baby by yourself, even with DH at home, maybe you need to have a little talk about who is doing what and how your time is going to be spent these first few months with getting your baby on a routine and even for you two, to be on some sort of routine.  

flowerintherain

Oh man, that would bother the crap out of me too. My baby's not due till February, but DH and I have discussed it and I don't think he'll be going out with friends for the first couple of months. We need time to bond as a family and that should take priority. You should talk to him about it and let him know that you want him to be able to bond with you and baby. Maybe suggest him having a friend or two over to yalls house to hang out or watch the game or whatever if that's something you're comfortable with.

stephaniearthurs

Have you talked about it? Twice in 3 weeks doesn't seem like that much, but if it bothers you you should tell him!

yl1m32015

No. I would not stand for that. His friends can wait, he's a new father now and has responsibilities. A baby isn't just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing.

Maybe it's just me. Obviously that's my opinion. But my husband rushes home from work to see us and wouldn't dream of going out with his friends anytime soon.

ColoradoHiker

DH hasn't been out with friends alone since DS was born (5w), but he is aware of how exhausted I am after caring for DS all day by myself. He takes over caring for DS during the evening so I can have a break.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and like he's not helping much in general, talk to him. Can you pump enough for him to take one of the feedings in the middle of the night? Or have him do the diaper changes while you're feeding the baby? Twice in three weeks doesn't sour excessive to me, but if you're feeling like you're doing most of the work, I can see how it would feel like it.

ErinKimm

I am a total homebody so I know that doesn't help because I don't have that need to go out and do things like he does. I'm 32 and he is 29 so it's not like we are super young...we've both had plenty of time to go out, drink, and do things with friends. I know this is a big adjustment for him (this is our first baby) and we both need our own R&R time. I don't think it would have been a big deal for him to go watch the game at a friends house today had he not gone out Wednesday night...also, he left the house telling me he was just going to a friends house but I found out Christmas Eve that they had also gone to a bar...his cousin mentioned it in front of me...my husband didn't tell me about it and probably wouldn't have. Sounds like we need to sit down and talk about what each of us expects and try to come to some agreement on time with friends vs time as a family....hopefully we can compromise and find what works for us.

taysun

I think everyone will feel differently about this. I'm okay with my SO taking a break to spend time with his friends. However he won't be going back to work until sometime in March so it's not like he only has a small amount of time at home to spend with us.
I also know if I ask he won't go out.

VesperLove

I think it really depends on the situation. DH and I are both stay at home right now so we are both very open to each other taking breaks. Ive gone out to coffee a few times with friends. My husband had gone out with friends as well.

If me or my husband were working right now and one of us was doing the majority of the care giving then im sure we'd have a different arrangement or understanding.

I think the key is communication and making sure you are on the same page. Even with our understanding we still ask every time plans come up. There have been occasions where i have told him i prefer him not to go out because im tired and really need his help. And he respects that. He's done the same with me.

Its all about what works for you guys...but being open and honest about your needs is the only way for it to work.

BostonBaby1

yl1m32015 said:

No. I would not stand for that. His friends can wait, he's a new father now and has responsibilities. A baby isn't just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing.

Maybe it's just me. Obviously that's my opinion. But my husband rushes home from work to see us and wouldn't dream of going out with his friends anytime soon.

It's not just you. That would not work for us either.

satindawl83

I think all that matters is that you're not okay with it. You'll get 50 million opinion, and none is right or wrong.

I will say that you need some "me" time, too and if he's telling you to take some, do it! I don't think it's healthy for either of you to be around the baby 24/7.

groovylocks

Uh... for me? Yes and no. One night out? Or one afternoon or whatever? No big deal. My husband went to watch a UFC fight at his brother's house one night. In turn, I went out shopping with my mom while he and my dad sat for her. We don't make a habit of that kind of thing yet though. But we need time away once in awhile. An hour here or there is acceptable to both of us. But constant escape acts wouldn't be ok, no.

Of course, I am speaking from a pretty unique place. I am on a 3 month mat leave. My husband is a stay at home dad. My parents are here from Canada helping out until Jan 1st. So it's been easy for us to have that occasional luxury.