I could use some support

meanmoe

A year from today marks my first miscarriage. . . It made the holidays so hard for me. Yes I have so much to look forward to now, this year. At 20 weeks pregnant I feel my daughter move constantly. I try to tell myself that every little kicks is her saying "I love you mommy". It's still hard for me tho, the thoughts of last year and all levels we went thru. The fear of still losing this child. Nothing is truly promised and that scares me. I feel broken on a day like today, but I'm broken every day. I constantly check the toilet after I go every time to see if there is blood. The smallest changes in my body keep me up at night worrying. Just a secret between us ladies I told you husband 4 weeks before we got pregnant for the 3rd time that I was done trying. That i couldn't take it. I couldn't keep breaking my heart like this trying. I lost all hope. But he didn't, 4 weeks later we found out we were pregnant for the 3rd time. He finally forced me to take an at home test when we had so many signs pointing to me being pregnant. All the other times I found out we were pregnant I came up with some cute way to tell him that brought tears to his eyes and joy to his heart. This time I needed him to be strong for me. I came out the bathroom and burst into tears cried and said I can't do this again. He took me in his arms held me tight and promised everything will be ok. My rock. My world. My best friend! How he knew I have no idea but he was right. Now 20 weeks pregnant with our little Athena. All seems to be closer to being right in this world. This day is still just a little hard .

kwrightnb

This made me cry. I'm so sorry your going through all this right now. I lost my daughter at 28 weeks last May and am now also 20 weeks with my next baby. Everyday is a struggle and I truly don't think I will ever fully believe this pregnancy will actually happen until I'm holding my little baby in my arms. My only advice is that you listen to your husband and focus on all good things. Stress is not something that is going to help your pregnancy. And everytime your little girls moves she is saying she loves you! My little guy is kicking up a storm and every movement soothes me. Good luck and I'll be thinking and praying for you and your little Athena this time will be different Momma, you'll get your little rainbow I'm sure of it .

saraleigh2

Your angle loves you!!! Prayers for the 3 of you!!!

kbrands7

I'm so sorry that you're feeling such doubt and fear throughout your pregnancy. Just think that every day you are pregnant is a day that you're closer to being able to hold your baby. I'm sure that it's difficult to shake the fear of another loss; try to focus on the positives of this pregnancy as much as you can. If you still need time to grieve your previous loss, that's okay, just also celebrate this little one that you're growing.

JennyS86

I hope you feel the love and support for you on this board.  It is ok to feel how you are feeling!  But I hope you also know that each day you are pregnant is a blessing.  That is what I try to feel.  I haven't experienced a miscarriage, but I did deliver at 26 weeks my last pregnancy, and I pray every day that we will all deliver much, much closer to term!

Bluejay3030

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. Hang in there, and I hope that as each day goes by and you get closer to full term you're able to let go of some of the fear. And while I'm sure you'll never forget your losses, at this time next year, I hope that being able to hold your rainbow baby in your arms will take away some of the sting.

Vivian0809

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine. Sending prayers and comfort. xoxoxo

SaraJan2014

Even without having experienced loss, I think most of us walk around with some paranoia and worry that won't go away until the day baby arrives. I am Jewish and we don't even really 'get excited' for the baby until it is here. No baby showers, telling people the name, getting the nursery ready way in advance, etc. Many people do not even keep gifts received in advance in their own homes. Then when the baby is here and all is well we will celebrate.  Fingers are crossed that all goes well for you.

dcheard

I am so sorry for your loss-I too have experienced a misscarriage around this time of the year-it was actually New Year's Eve-not a good way to bring in the year. I too constantly worry but know peace every time you feel your daughter kick!! your half way! Well done!! Now you just have to hold onto her for 20 more weeks!!