shower suggestions for in laws?

Knottie59802221

So my BFF and my mom are throwing me a shower and all of my family and friends are invited.  I don't really get along with my in laws and can't do anything right in their eyes.  My mom is hosting the party and has said they are more then welcome, but I really don't want them there.  However, I know it'll create a lot of drama and hurt feelings if I don't invite them.  Also however, our families don't mesh well together.  My family is all masters degrees and fine art and my in laws are felonies, racism and drugs, (my hubby was raised in foster homes and turned out totally different from his family, thank goodness!).  Every time we've tried getting them together it's been a disaster.  Anyway, I need solutions on what to do.  I want to make everyone happy while still being able to enjoy my baby shower, which I won't if the in laws come.  I was thinking of hosting a co-ed BBQ type event for his family at our house, no gifts, to just celebrate the fact that we're going to be parents.

Disneygeek77

I would just invite them because everyone will have to be together at some point. Be polite, be civil and if they start acting unruly then you can ask them to leave.

kyraaD

have you spoken to your DH about it? how does he feel about you wanting to cut out his side of the family from the shower?

if he agrees with you, then do the separate BBQ for them. but i would really try to include them. like PP said, everyone will have to get together at one point or another. you cant have a baby & be with someone, but keep families separated 100% of the time.

good luck!

Bringmemylongswordho

Enh, it's not uncommon for showers to be for one side of the family only, especially where space and budget are concerns.

My thoughts would be to invite MIL only (and maybe grandma if she's around )

If his family wants to celebrate, they can plan their own thing.

That said, we all have, "trashy" family members , but having a master's degree doesn't make you a better person, plenty of us with degrees of our own have come from those sorts of families. And some of those master degrees have birthed the nastiest, shittiest brats. That goes both ways.

Knottie59802221

I did not mean to imply at ALL that my family is better!! I was trying to simplify the differences to explain why it's horribly awkward when they get together. Both sides are uncomfortable and awkward and someone always says something that sets the other side off. Before the pregnancy, one on one, my in laws are very nice and I like spending time with them, but in a party setting they are migraine inducing and drama filled. During this pregnancy though, i can do nothing right and I end up pissing them off no matter what I do. To them I'm the evil woman who made my husband wait for a baby because I wanted to finish school and have a steady career first.

VOR

Eh, personally, I see nothing wrong with having a shower that's for your side only.  It sounds like they don't care about your feelings.  Why do you need to worry about theirs?  I'd keep quiet about the shower, though.  No need to tell them about a party that you aren't inviting them to.  IF they do find out and if they get pissed, then you/your DH just need to say that your BFF and mom were only able to host a small shower and weren't able to include both sides.  Period.

If they get upset?  Oh well.  they are actually capable of throwing a shower themselves if it's really OH-SO-IMPORTANT to them that they go to a shower. It's not a requirement of your mom/BFF to host a large shower in order to accommodate everyone. 

Now- that being said, what does your DH think?  The above is based on assuming that he gets it and understands.  If he does, then good.  If he doesn't - if HE thinks they should be included, well, that's another story.  Still doesn't mean your mom has to - again, her offering to throw a shower doesn't mean she HAS to include everyone.  She reallydoesn't

BUT you need to balance your DH and his feelings in all of this too.

Bringmemylongswordho

Knottie59802221 said:

I did not mean to imply at ALL that my family is better!! I was trying to simplify the differences to explain why it's horribly awkward when they get together. Both sides are uncomfortable and awkward and someone always says something that sets the other side off. Before the pregnancy, one on one, my in laws are very nice and I like spending time with them, but in a party setting they are migraine inducing and drama filled. During this pregnancy though, i can do nothing right and I end up pissing them off no matter what I do. To them I'm the evil woman who made my husband wait for a baby because I wanted to finish school and have a steady career first.

I think it sounds like you already know that the shower should just be your family only then.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Not all families mesh well together and there is no reason to try and force it.

Sassenach1743

First of all, you can't please everyone so just accept that now and focus on arrangements that you are comfortable with.

If it's as bad as you say then start setting a trend that you split your time between each side of the family. Hopefully this will carry on to future holiday arrangements... e.g. Thanksgiving with your side /Christmas with his and vise versa year after year.

For the shower(s) have your mom and bff host your side of the family and if you want to host a celebration for his side separately, just do it. If anyone questions you just say that's what you've decided. But I doubt anyone will say anything, each party doesn't need to know about the other as long as everyone is invited one way or another.

If it's as awkward as you say then everyone should get it, if they don't you either ignore them or give it to them straight... not everyone gets along so it's more comfortable to have separate time with each side.

Basically just be an adult about it. If you handle yourself with a mature attitude, others will fall in line.

dufferoo

I'd at least invite his mom unless you really want to draw a line in the sand. Maybe his sister/grandmother too so she doesn't have to come alone. And yeah, it might be a little awkward, but hey that's the spice of showers!

PhoebeJune1984

I see nothing wrong with not inviting them to the shower. I wouldn't invite only a couple from your husband's side, either all....or none. I know plenty of people that had more than one shower, and it was usually one being hosted on one side of the family, one being hosted on the other. But I agree with the previous poster, that I wouldn't bring up the shower around IL's side. If they somehow find out about it, I would just calmly explain that the shower is being thrown for that side of the family. There is no reason that his side of the family cannot host their own, if they want to. 

My mom was very adamant about having my IL side of the family at my shower that her and my friend were hosting. I was against it, because I know how my family can be...they like to stick to themselves. And IL's side of the family is awesome, and really close. I ended up caving because my mom gave me the whole "It would be nice to get to know them and spend time with them!" chat, and it went exactly how I figured it would. My family stuck to themselves and never had any type of convo or small talk with his side, and his side tried here and there, but it was totally awkward. My shower was in August 2011, and things are still like that when we get both sides of the family together, its that way for my DD's birthdays and our wedding/reception, etc. Thank goodness we always spend holidays with the families separate!

thycapa

Hi I'm lurking from the June BMB and just wanted to share my experience, hope this helps:

My MIL and SIL are the most cold hearted, stubborn people I have ever met. They have not been very accepting of our 6 year marriage, bc they believe that women shouldn't be career oriented or have masters degrees they should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. They also Do Not support my husband in going back to school and trying to better himself either and blame me for "forcing him to be something he isn't"..whatever. They start fights with us at family members houses and in public places at events (holiday gatherings, weddings, etc) alienating us and ruining every happy occasion. They snubbed me and were nasty to me at my own bridal shower and started a fight at my rehearsal dinner. This baby has been in the making for 4 years and we are over the moon to be pregnant! I just want my shower to be with people who are genuinely happy for us and that won't ruin the day. Now since they can't be civil even in public places we are not inviting either one of them. I know this may be viewed as cold hearted on my part but I can't have another event ruined. I don't get warm and fuzzy feelings that this will be any different. We will however invite his 2 aunts that we do have a decent relationship with and they can choose if they want to come or not. I would talk to your husband to make sure you are on the same page before making a final decision. Mine suggested I don't invite them and enjoy the day without the nonsense.

coastal-mama

Don't invite them, especially if they don't have you or your husband's best interest at heart. The baby shower should be about supporting you both and showering you with love ;it seems these two are far from that.