What to do about visitors

slaluz

Hello all! I've silently lurked on these boards for 6 months now and have found great help with all my pregnancy questions from all of your posts. I have a two part issue that's been keeping me awake at night and I need help figuring out what to do.

First part: My mother expects to be a the hospital while I'm delivering and my ILs (who live 3 hrs away) expect a call as soon as I go into labor so they can get on the road to be there too. No one is going to be allowed in the delivery room except DH and I feel like I'm going to be stressed by them being in the hospital and constantly wanting to come in and check on me while I'm laboring. I also want some time with just the baby and DH after she's born and I don't want everyone demanding time before we're ready to give it.

Second part: I live about 45 minutes outside of town on a rural farm and only have one guest room and no nearby hotels. My mother (who lives in town and is perfectly capable of driving to visit us each day) expects to stay with us at our home for some time (measured in weeks!) after the baby is born. If/when my ILs come into town, they will have to stay there too. I've already had to have a difficult discussion with my mom about how the ILs will trump her need for the guest room if they're coming in from out of town and she's in easy commuting distance (she didn't seem happy with that).

To complicate matters, my mom and MIL are both fairly judgmental (about different things) and are frequently dishing out everything they think I should be doing or am doing wrong-- and then there's FIL who doesn't really have much interest in spending days on end fawning over a baby and will want to do something else (not really an option in the middle of the country). All of this makes me feel like me and DH are going to be spending more time attending to guests than learning how to be parents in these first few critical days home with our new LO.

Honestly, I'd be happy if none of them were there, but I realize that's not really an option... Help! How are other people dealing with visitors/house guests in the delivery room and first week home? What are fair limits to put on visitation from out of town guests and how can I find some time/space to maintain my sanity?!? Any advice is welcome!

emcarl24

I'm pretty much just saying no. We will not be calling anyone until after the baby is born. Once he's here, we'll call our parents and they can come to the hospital then. I want that time while I'm in labor, and immediately after the birth to be just my husband and I. My mom doesn't like it much, but that's the way it is. She won't get a call until we're ready.

As for home guests, out of town visitors are not staying with us within the first month. They (my mom and my in-laws) can visit each day, after calling first. Those that have too far to drive have to make other arrangements. They can stay in a hotel nearby, or with other family. Or they can wait until we are actually ready to deal with other people on top of our new son. I understand this might be difficult if you are in the middle of nowhere, so setting real expectations around what is ok and what is not is even more important.

fourtsixand2

The only advice I can offer is that you have to set hard limits on what you want and not stress so much over what everyone else wants.  
The issues with your in-laws need to be addressed by your husband - that's where he needs to step up and state your needs and wants.  
As far as who you want in the delivery room during labor, the hospital is great about listening to your wishes and should have no problem asking people to leave when you are uncomfortable.
I understand how uncomfortable it is to want to please everyone, but stay strong and set a birth plan.  Make it clear that you are uncomfortable with ____, but you are more than happy to accommodate _____, and speak with your husband ahead of time about your do's and donts.  I'm certain when that time comes, he will put your feelings as top priority and won't hesitate to ask folks to step out, etc.
As for accommodations at your home, do what makes you happy.  This is your child, and no parent will feel ill toward you for wanting some alone time with you and your baby.  

oceanchild

I think the "none of them there" is absolutely and option. We have a strict "no visitors in the hospital" rule, and all our friends and family know that they are welcome once we are settled in at home and give the okay. I also have zero problems telling my mom to go home (and she lives a couple hours away) – no way she'd be staying in my home if she lived that close and I didn't want her there. It's one thing if she's volunteering to wash laundry and dishes and cook meals, but if she wants to just hold the baby while you do all that stuff (which is entirely possible!) then nope. And I wouldn't want her *or* my MIL hovering and judging. Nothing like being made to feel like crap in your own home when you're supposed to be enjoying the most precious time of your life. Seriously it's called a babymoon, bc like your honeymoon, you're supposed to be enjoying the time together with papa bonding with your little one and resting and recovering, not attending to guests who are trying to tell you what they think you should do, or how it was back in their days. Honestly in your situation, i'd welcome them over for a home visit to meet the baby when you are discharged, and then send them on their ways. I truly don't understand why grandparents feel entitled to intrude on these moments – I get that they are excited, but baby isn't going anywhere.

redfallon

With my daughter, we didn't have any visitors in the first two weeks at home so we could learn how to be parents on our own. You will have to be tough and put your foot down. Also, you don't have to make phone calls to anyone until you want to. Just because someone expects a phone call doesn't mean you have to comply. Remember that taking care of your self and your stress levels are good for the baby. If you are stressed, that's no good for anyone. 

CecilB93

DH and I have already agreed that it will just be us while I'm in the delivery room. I told him that in the heat of the moment I might want my mom to stop by while I'm in labor, but if so she's out as soon as it's time to push. Our hospital won't let anyone in the delivery room once LO is out so that we can have skin to skin, breastfeeding, and bonding time. The nurse said we'll be in that room for one to two hours and then we'll be moved to our postpartum room where we can have visitors. So check with your hospital as they may have rules about when you're allowed visitors anyways. We still plan to have at least 3 hours of just the three of us before we allow visitors, and our family can just suck it up and deal with it.
I agree with PP, talk with your husband and make sure you're both in agreement about timing and visitors. As far as house guests, we live in a one bedroom and won't have to deal with overnight people. However, I know MIL will want to stay in town (the ILs live about 3 hours away) for at least a few days and be over here as much as she can. But...I'll be the one who just pushed out a baby, DH and I are the new parents, so I feel like what we say goes and if I don't want people visiting then they should respect my wishes. Just talk with them all, once you and DH are both on the same page, and tell them that you're not budging on your decisions.

LaceyH13

I echo pp. just because someone expects a phone call doesn't mean you have to make it. Just smile and nod, then do what you want. What are they going to do after the fact? If they want to pick a fight after the baby is born about it then they really don't need to be at the hospital at all.

As far as your home goes, don't hesitate to say no. I had my baby two weeks ago today and we had our first visitors yesterday. I am super glad we didn't have anybody around the first weeks. Breastfeeding is hard and it is nice to be in our own space to figure it out on our own and to feel free to feed baby at anytime. We have stayed in contact with our parents via video chat every other day, and they will see the baby again on Christmas. Don't hesitate to say no if that is what you want - baby will still be there a few weeks after birth for grandparents to dote on.

MamaHolland

We are on the process of working our way out of agreeing to let people stay with us. We have some very uncomfortable conversations coming up but that's life. We don't want anyone staying with us in those early weeks. They can visit at the hospital briefly after she's born then leave. We want to bond & have our own family time. That's important to us. And my gut feeling is if I waiver on that I will regret it. This is too much on a priceless moment for me to our anyone's feelings before my own. I've been the one who's bared the morning sickness, the aches & pains, the insomnia. I'm the only one who has to push this baby out. This baby has only been in one uterus & that uterus is mine so my feelings take #1 priority. I've been feeling so guilty about saying "no" but I'm getting over that. These last weeks of pregnancy have me on the verge of tears almost everyday. I'm in constant discomfort & pain. The fatigue is indescribable. It's like my very bones are tired. The last thing I need is a bunch of people all up with my personal bubble when I finally get to behold the little person I've been creating. She's all mine. I currently have the dark circles, droopy boobs & matted hair to prove it. LOL

SarahFoley725

I have a similar deal with my family being close and in laws being about 3 hours away. I told them both (and I am very close with my family) that we will let them know when the baby is born. None of them will be at the hospital until I'm ready for visitors. I'll probably tell my mom when I'm in labor, but I also know she won't storm up there and demand to see us.

The easiest way to avoid all of that drama if they can't handle your wish is just to not tell them until the baby is here. You can say you were overwhelmed or it all happened so fast or whatever you need to. Also, I'd very honestly say "I know y'all are so excited to see baby and I'm really happy that you can come down and stay, but we really need a few days to get settled in before we have visitors" that's what I told my in laws and all of my friends and extended family. Everyone took it well, including my MIL who I was certain would throw a huge fit.

Honestly, all of those people are now an extension of your family. Your family now is DH and baby. Everyone will have to get used to you doing what if best for y'all.

Disneygeek77

You are going to be a parent soon and the best advice I can give you is at a certain point you are going to have to be ok with your parents / in laws being upset or disappointed with your decisions.  Today it is the delivery room and visiting you at home, tomorrow it will be the baby's name or what religion to raise your child or where you spend Christmas morning  or where the kid goes to school or who gets to take the baby on their first trip to Disneyland.  The sooner you come to terms with the fact that it is ok if they get mad at you, the easier your life will be.

Trust me,  I have been on this message board for a long time and one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again is from new parents that didn't set boundaries when it came to visitors.  They will never get back those few precious weeks and instead made themselves miserable all because they didn't want to make waves.   

Sconesy..Cider

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to decide now but still be flexible. My mom is super judgy, but I wanted help when I came home with DS. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and slept minimally for 3 weeks because I felt like I hard to constantly watch him. Mom and Dad (from 3 hrs away) only stayed 2ish days then left. That's when MIL (lived nearby) stepped in. I needed her so I could nap for 30 min or whatever and maybe shower. Lol on cooking and cleaning- that was up to DH. Anyway, I don't think I would have been any better off without them. The help was good.

As for random neighbors and other folks- no. DH was like my bodyguard here and stopped at least 2 sets at the door until they got the message. It's not going to be people-pleasing time. Do what you need for you and LO.

eish22

YOU are the one pushing the child out of your vagina, therefore, YOU get to set the boundaries on who and when people will be allowed to be present at the hospital, as well as when they when or not they will be allowed to visit when you get home. I set strict boundaries with everyone, not always easy, but it's what makes you comfortable. I don't want anyone but DH and I in the hospital room either, and I definitely want time with just him and the baby for a while after he's born. I feel like a lot of people in our families just expected to be allowed to visit immediately after the birth, and to just kind of wait around the hospital for me to have him, and that idea makes me extremely anxious and it's not happening. I'm not having DH call anyone until we're actually ready for visitors, and that's completely okay and our choice as new parents. If anyone has anything negative to say about Your choices then screw them these are decisions that are your right to make!

JMarie1291

I have a similar issue. We don't have hotels near by just shady motels. It comes down to what I want and my husband supports me 100%. I will always pick my own mother over my MIL. We do have the extra space for both of them to stay with us, but that's way to much! I want my mom I'm going to be bleeding out of my vagina and trying tp breastfeed. I want my own mom there to help me if I need it. My MIL was so pissed....but it comes down to what im comfortable with. She can see the baby in the hospital after he's born then drive home till I want company. I'll probably let my mom stay 2 nights at most anyways. I think it's important my husband and I figure everything out on our own without our moms stepping in or all over us. Your going to want alone time with the baby and hubby which you won't get with family staying for weeks. They are only little for so long...you need to enjoy that not stress about family staying with you. If you really feel the need to please them give your mom the first couple nights with you then she can leave and mother inlaw can come for a couple nights. Good luck I know how stressful it is dealing with this situation but once you put your foot down and make the decision best for nobody but you.... You'll feel so much better about it.