Need advice. About to be a single mom

babybluu

My marriage has been rocky since August but we have been trying to work it out. Today he told me he actually doesn't want to be married anymore but wants to be part of the baby's life. He wants to be single he said. I'm 38+1 right now so this baby is coming any time now. I have no idea how to go about being a single mom. I have somewhere to stay, but I'm thinking about not leaving yet until the baby is born since the place I would stay at is a 24 hour drive away. Does it get easier? He won't be there when the baby is born and now I don't have anyone I feel comfortable with to be there. So now I'm birthing alone. I have my midwife and doula but it's not what I imagine. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. He totally screwed us over and he gets what he wants while I have to learn to be a single mother. Does anyone have any advice?

scornwell717

This seriously breaks my heart for you. I'm so sorry this had to happen, especially at such a time where his support is needed the most. Do you live far from all your family and friends?
I'm going to be a single mommy too, we should just move in together and raise our babies as BFFs!

babybluu

@scornwell717 unfortunately he is military and we moved 3,000 miles away from most of our family. My other family lives just a 1 1/2 hour flight away which is who I will be staying with. I've never had a panic attack but I feel like I've been having one all day.

Becky012016

I'm really sorry this is happening to you! I'm not a single mother but I was born to one. You just need to take it one day at a time. Today sucks. Tomorrow might suck too. Eventually, things begin to work out for the best and you and your baby will be better off. You have legal rights and his commanding officer could probably help you figure those out better than anyone on here. I think you're smart to stay where you are until delivery. Once you and baby are discharged with clean bills of health-move back with your family/friends and do whatever you need to do to provide a loving home for you LO. All your baby wants at the end of the day is food, shelter, and your love. You can do it!

katherines2ndminime

I was young single mother. I feel for you. I was also extremely abandoned at my daughter's birth. It was heart wrenching. I really feel for you and the feelings you are having right now.
You're so lucky to have midwife. You don't need him there at the birth. And I would stay where you are and just try to be calm and take care of yourself and baby.
My best advice for being a single parent is to just keep swimming. You will be all this child needs and more. Hopefully he can give you some financial support, and try to move to where you have emotional support. Hugs to you. It will be ok. It really will.

MssyMmmy

Sorry to hear your going through this right now. As if life isn't hard enough. Try to think and plan in small baby steps. What do you need to take care of your self this week? Small goals to keep you and baby safe until you are comfortable. Hopefully your husband isn't a complete jerk and can help you a little. Having a doula as well as your midwife is the best possible situation for your birth of you do not have another support person.
Best of luck mama. You will get through this.

babybluu

Thank you ladies. He decided to spring this on my after I had already started my maternity leave and we have separate bank account since August and with all the stuff that bbaby needs I wasn't able to save up any money for myself. So right now I'm living off about $50 but I have a house with some food in it.

sterlinggirard

He is a piece of garbage. Take him to court for everything he has & then some. I have been a single mom most of my life and it is hard, not going to sugar coat it but in time with support, you can make it. Find your inner strength & release him completely. Trust me, Karma does come back 100 fold. I'm going through something similar as well, my baby's dad abandoned us after I discovered he's been in an incest relationship with his sister for the past 21 years. It sickens me to my core how evil & sick he is & all the lies & promises he told. I'm in therapy now because it is truly hard to process how much this hurts.
You are not alone & ur child will make u stronger. Lots of hugs.

ChrissyD1203

Not a single mom, but I grew up raised by one. You can do it. Sending thoughts and prayers to you!

Leah6120

@babybluu you should have some legal rights in regards to spousal support until the divorce is final.. speak to his commanding officer ASAP about that. I'm a military spouse and we've had a lot of friends go through what you are. Don't let him convince you he is in total control of the situation his command should ensure you have some assistance financially.

Ebiejay

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, at this time when you really need support  

Do you live on or near a military base? You'll still have privileges and there will be someone you can talk to for advice and to find out what your legal rights are, and your child's regarding things like Tricare. 

I don't have any advice myself other than to echo what PPs have said... take one day at a time. You can do this. Sending thoughts and hugs your way. 

kristennnn

Just remember that women everywhere do it all the time! It's not something that can't be done. Definitely one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but you'll do everything you can for your baby. And that will be enough

nickicb7

Oh my goodness this broke my heart. I am sos prey you are going through this. The end of a marriage is stomach wrenching in the best of times, and the birth of a child is hard with all the support. To have to go through both simultaneously is certainly not ideal. But I agree with what someone else said, people manage all the time. Lean on all the supports you can, take all the help you can get and don't let your husband have power over you. This will be difficult but it's just one of many bumps on your journey and one day you will look back and realize how much stronger you became because of it, and that's the person your child will know!

MamaHolland

Sorry you are going through all of this. Do not labor alone. Don't be afraid or embarrassed and don't hesitate to let a family member or friends from back home know that you need them to fly in & be there for the birth. Don't feel ashamed & don't be more alone than you already are. You picked up your whole life to follow this man across country & now when you're most vulnerable he does this to you!! It's going to be ok. God will bring you the resources & will intervene so that you cross paths with the right people who can be s blessing to your life. Definitely contact his commanding officer to let them know whats going on because you need to ensure he won't put you out on the street. DON't tell him that you are contacting the commanding officer.

When it comes to figuring how how to be a single mother... One step at a time. Right now just focus on the birth & securing stable housung that isn't dependent on him. You can't trust him to have you or the babys best interest at heart. His actions shown that he's only looking out for himself so you have to look out for you and the baby. I forget whats the name of the organization through the base that assists with domestic issues but you need to contact them about resources. Make sure that you have your military dependent ID always on you in a safe place & MAKE COPIES. Keep copies in your car, in extra purses, etc. Don't depend on him to tell you about tricare etc. go on base & ask whatever questions you have so that you are prepared for getting your child's ID etc. Put your marriage certificate in a safe place. Be very cunning as talk & interact with him. Save all the emotions about the marriage for later, this is about survival. Be about your business.

scornwell717

@babybluu believe me, I know the feeling of a panic attack and l know that it is one of the most awful, vulnerable feelings ever. I'm glad you have someone to stay with after baby is born, but like a PP said is there anyone that can fly in around the time you're due?
Also, I don't understand if he wants to be in baby's life then why can he not be there for the birth? He might not want to be there for you, but he should want to be there for his son/daughter.

ambercakes92

It makes me so sad for you to hear this. Technically, I will be a single mother as well. Baby's dad wants to be there for baby, but our relationship will take a lot of work and is on the back burner indefinitely. It's so hard for me to grasp that we may not ever be together, but it's just something I have to put out of my mind to focus on baby. Baby is most important. Dad lives four hours away, and so I'm blessed to have been able to move back home to the support of my family. Family support is critical for a single mother! Move back home! Find a good job, or go back to school if you cannot. I will be going back to school by this time next year so that I can provide for my baby and myself without having to wait on dad each month for child support. Dad is a good man and I'm confident he will do his part financially, but you just cannot depend on someone you are not in a relationship with. Luckily you will have benefits available to you through the military. Do not hesitate to take advantage of those! Being a single mother is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but take it one day at a time and never give up. I'm so scared of the future, but it's coming either way so I'm being as strong as I can. We can both do this! My mother was a single mom as a teenager, and still managed to put herself through college. Amazing things can be done as a single mom. Your life is not over. Your baby will be the brightness you need to move forward every day. You can do this.

mahlod

Really sorry you are going through this.
I am in the same boat- about to be a single mother. It's heartbreaking and not what I wanted for my little one, but it had to be done. @babybluu

juju0592

My heart breaks for you. I had to experience being a single mom for about two years before I met my now husband. Definitely make sure you keep copies of all paperwork. Go to his co and make sure you have all that in order. As a mom, lean on family and friends. They can be a huge help, even if its just emotional support. Once baby is here and you look into his/her eyes for the first time you will find a strength and love you never knew existed. If it wasn't for my now 5 year old, I don't know how I would have handled her dad leaving. You do what's best for you and that baby and that's it. Don't worry about anyone else.

fishsticks-n-custard

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was raised by a single mom as well and I know it was a struggle for her but I still feel that I had a wonderful childhood. My thoughts and prayers and with you.

stephanienjer

Can you swing an attorney? If so, I would get the ball rolling on filing for parental rights, and pursuing child support. (Not vindictively--you just need to be able to support this child!) They won't put in an order for support until baby is born--most of the time they make the father do a paternity test first. This doesn't have to be in conjunction with a divorce either. This is all about you having the resources you need to provide for your child. If you can't afford an attorney, a lot will file for their costs within the court proceedings, and dad could very well be ordered to cover all attorney fees and court costs.
I used to work in the court system, and it's better to get this groundwork laid sooner than later!
Good luck. You can do this. 

nickilynn0516

i am sorry you are going through this. Just keep reminding yourself you can do it. It will be hard but you are strong and have support.

bkeep22

I am very sorry to hear this. I'm not in the same situation, but am definitely having serious relationship issues. Hang in there. Soon you will be back with your family - which I am sure will be a fantastic feeling. As hard as it is, in the mean time, focus on you and the baby. The remainder of your pregnancy will fly by. As far as being a single mom, it will be hard and it will be tough, but you will figure it out. And you will be great.

babybluu

Thanks ladies. right now I'm dealing with trying not to throw up everytime I think about the fact that he's been talking to another girl and I'm 99% sure he was, or is about to be cheating on me now.

And how to not be stressed out about the divorce process. This is so hard

StephEppie

You need to contact his command. He can't just abandon you and leave you with no money that way. They will be able to assist you in a way no one on here can. We can give you support, but his command will be able to HELP you. I'm a military child and my father left my mom when I was small, so I know what they can do to help. They can possibly help you with bringing someone from your family out to support you too.
Best wishes are with you! Head up and stay strong momma! Stress can push you right into labor!

PedsIsHardcore

I agree with the military ladies. You need to talk to his higher ups because that's not okay for him to do at all. And, as I was told by family in the military and family friends in the military, it's a major embarrassment for the military when spouses do this. (My cousin's wife slept we almost everyone on his Navy ship which is how I know this)
If I was in your shoes, that's what I would do.
If it was me, I would basically get rid of everything else I could that has his involvement and focus on baby.
When I had my DD I was going to be a single mom. Her dad didn't want to help me at all and granted I get it's not the same situation, but this is what I did.
Take each day as they come.
You should have friends and family around you to support you as well as help you through this. I had friends and family help me, even while having my DD.
Talk to any friends that are local about what is going on so you can have your person that you trust and that supports you come with you to hospital and for L&D. My good friend that lived 4 hours away was my birth coach and you know what...she helped me more than my own mom who's a doctor did.
I am glad you have a doula and a midwife because they are excellent people to advocate for you as well as really help you!
See a therapist so you can give yourself some coping tools and so you have someone to talk to. I go to therapy every week because I have anxiety and other issues. I'm a nurse. It helps me keep myself in check and to also cope with life in general while having all these hormones on board in my body.
You are not alone and you can do this! You are an amazing strong woman! 

SummerOH

Definitely talk to his CO or the head of the base. I never married my daughter's dad, who is in the Air Force, and I was still able to get help from his base commander when her dad tried to pull shenanigans when she was 3-4. The military is a different world. They do NOT look kindly on men abandoning their families and children. I'm not exactly sure what the base commander said to him, but it straightened him right out. He stopped squabbling on child support, and in fact it ended up doubling, and she's always been 100% covered by his insurance. Are you working? If not, you may want to consider moving closer to your support system.

twill00

I'm so glad there are forums like this that offer support, even from afar. I was a single mom, divorced my ex at age 20 after having my firstborn. It was tough but I made it. I put myself through nursing school and now have a great job that supports us. Best piece of advice: BE WILLING TO ACCEPT HELP. You will need it to get past where you are. Think of your relationship with your husband as a business partnership and remove the emotion. It is difficult, I know, but emotional decisions often are not the correct ones. You have to decide that your baby is the most important thing. Once you do that, making life work seems a little bit easier each day. God bless.

babybluu

Thank you ladies again. I did contact his senior chief this morning. My husband hasn't completely abandoned me. I'm still living in our house on base, and he's still paying for my cell phone at the moment. I asked him for money for food and he said no, but he will go to the store to buy food for me so I don't spend it on "Reese's cups" like wtf? He's treating it like food stamps. He will buy me what he approves of, and drop it off to the house. I feel like a child but at least I get some food. I do have a job but I'm currently on maternity leave. I went on maternity leave last well, before he told me he wanted a divorce and I really really regret it. He told me it would be find for me to take leave at 37 1/2 weeks instead of waiting till my due date so I believed him. I have no savings because he removed me from our joint account back in August and since then every one of my paychecks the majority has gone towards all the baby stuff we need since this was our first child. As of right now my plan is to allow him to see the baby right after she is born. Idk if I will let him be in the room, outside, or somewhere else and just call him when he can come. I already told him that I've changed the baby's name to something that won't remind me of him whenever I say it, and that she will have my maiden name and he thinks I can't do that, but I've done research and apparently I can give her my last name without his permission. He gets 10 days of leave once the baby is born so I'm thinking about trying to make sure he stays at the house during those 10 days to help me with her so I don't go insane. I'm already trying to watch out to make sure I don't get depressed if I can help it. That's the last thing I need. Then once his 10 days of leave are up I will hopefully have my half of things in the house sold for some cash, and then will call up my dad to fly up here and help me pack my things and leave to go live with him. I'm just hoping this divorce can be uncontested so we don't need a lawyer

JoJoMama730

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Please realize that there are quite a few legalities in this circumstance that you may not be considering, depending on the law where you live.  One, you may want/need to petition the court to be appointed the custodial parent before any divorce proceeding is initiated.  You can request child support at that time.  Two, the non-custodial parent may be able to prevent the custodial parent from moving far away by getting the court to issue an order saying so, before the move happens.  There may be some groundwork you need to lay now, to help protect your rights/plans after the baby is born.  If husband plans to be in this child's life, he may not agree to your plans, and if he's savvy enough, he can beat you to the punch and petition the court for certain rights before you do.  I would also hate for him to try to manipulate you into certain things, without you being fully informed.  Please consult with an attorney ASAP.  I'm not a lawyer, and you are in the midst of an emotional cyclone at the moment, so I'm sure it is hard to think out every detail of your plans.  Please seek professional advice.  Some local Bar Associations (check your current county and/or your dad's county), to see if there is a referral service that comes with a free consultation.  Or randomly call any family law attorney in your area (or your dad's), who may give you a short consult on the phone at no cost as well.  You may qualify for low cost lawyer services through the military, but I know absolutely nothing about those services, or whether there would be a bias towards you as the civilian, so I can't recommend going that route.  Maybe someone else versed in military situations can comment on that. 

mg137

I am a lawyer and back up @JoJoMama730 's post. Please consult an attorney. Aside from the things she said, there's so much more with regards to money you have rights to (regardless of whose name the accounts are in) and custody and where you can take the child. I'm not, and no one else can, give you legal advice here, but please talk to a local attorney. I don't know have any experience with the military but I'm sure that they can either provide you with an attorney or refer you to one. Hopefully you can get a free or cheap consultation.

ChrissyD1203

I am also a lawyer (though not this area of law) and agree that you should speak to an attorney ASAP. Is there a local legal aid office (I think those can be affordable) or a law firm that will give a free consultation (be sure to ask if it is free before you go).

babybluu

There is the legal office I will speak with tomorrow. My husband said that after talking to his senior chief he has changed his mind and attitude. He said I can stay in the house as long as I want, he is paying for my food and gas, he is also paying for me to move back to my dads. He said we will put the paperwork on hold for now to limit the amount of stress I'm under. The only things we will proceed with at the moment are dividing the things in the house and selling them since that's the only thing we agree on. That and we are going to get a document after the baby is born stating that he gives me permission to take our daughter to another state to move so that way I can move and get everything done with my life right after she is born.
I contacted a kick ass lawyer that I will use in the event the divorce cannot be uncontested. She isn't taking new clients till the new year though so I'm going to have to wait to even get a phone consult from her. But in our state, the whole divorce can be uncontested if we agree on everything. Even custody. And it seems like we agree on custody as well. He know it's best for me to have her the majority of the time and once she starts school she can start going to him for weekends, breaks and holidays. I still don't know how everything works but I'm learning more and more each day and feeling more confident in everything. For now it's just me trying to hold my self together emotionally. Went to the store today to get food and I have to leave after 10 minutes because I couldn't stop crying in the aisles. I'm ready for that to be over with

JoJoMama730

One day at a time, babybluu. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was dumping all those legal thoughts on you when you are having a hard time keeping yourself together. I was coming from a good place. I'm glad you have access to legal advice for your area and have a plan to explore your rights. It's good to have a plan, even if it's just plotting how to get thru the next hour so that you can get your grocery shopping done. Sending you good thoughts.

babybluu

@JoJoMama730 no it's okay. I need to make sure I hear and know everything. Thank you. I'm ready for this to be easier already. This year started out so great. I never would have imagined it would end so terribly. I know I can look forward to my baby being born but still, I had so many hopes and dreams for our lives that involved my husband so I'm finding it hard to be excited to be a mom and I feel so guilty.

juju0592

I'm glad he at least realized that now is not the time to be putting you under stress. And I'm happy you got everything in order. Now just breath and relax- you are doing a great job already!

Leah6120

Also please keep in mind that he is obligated to keep your baby on his insurance and his child support is a set rate determined by his rank. So if he challenges you on either of those things then have your lawyer reach back out to his command.

babybluu

Thanks ladies. It really helps to not feel so alone and helpless when I have people to talk to. I hate myself for still loving him. I keep seeing funny pictures that I want to text to him. I hate myself even for for hoping that he's going to change his mind when the baby comes. I just want to be with him and I wish I didn't.

StephEppie

The amount of love you'll have fill your heart once your baby comes will help make that easier. I know what it's like to want to be with the father of your soon to be child, but life has a funny way of working itself out. Like @JoJoMama730 said, try small steps and small plans to get through your days. When you feel like you're getting too overwhelmed close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath and exhale, open your eyes and focus on one thing.
And know this, as much as you want to yell and scream at him and chew him out, his senior chief definetly did that, and that was to support you. Keep asking for help when you need it. Support comes in many ways.

babybluu

Thank you @StephEppie. Today is the first day I've felt good and it was because I was thinking about my own future and what I will do to support myself and my baby. I can't wait to get started with my new life.

MamaHolland

@babybluu I really can't stress to more the importance of becoming independent from any support or promises this man is making to you. Once someone who promised to be committed to you for life, changed his mind then nothing else that person says can be trusted or relied on. You have to look out for you & your child. Please get your family to agree to assist you in moving back to their location as soon as possible.

"He said I can stay in the house as long as I want, he is paying for my food and gas, he is also paying for me to move back to my dads"

Why even put yourself in a position where he can put you out the house & stop paying for your food & gas.... You may be looking at these promises from him as a ray of hope that he will want to reconcile the longer your remain in the home & in his vicinity however you are putting your stability at risk.

I'm also concerned that he's spoken to council already while you haven't & you've postponed it & are following along with the advice of his council & following his lead when it comes to dividing belongings all without council of your own that has your best interest in mind. You don't need paperwork allowing you to travel out of state with your child. You are being manipulated. You don't need his permission, but that seems what he wants you to believe. As long as you rely of him to pay for travel back to your father then he's controlling your ability to travel. How can two people fairly negotiate dividing property when one person is dependent on the other for house, food & gas. The dependent individual won't feel as comfortable communicating their views & rights about the division of property because they will be on fear of the person who provides their shelter, food, gas may revoke that support therefore you may choose to be more compliant with what he says because he's in the position of power. You are pregnant, hormonal & within days of giving birth, it is in no way fair for him to be even presenting the option of dividing property at this time.

Don't agree to anything until you speak to council.

babybluu

MamaHolland said:

@babybluu I really can't stress to more the importance of becoming independent from any support or promises this man is making to you. Once someone who promised to be committed to you for life, changed his mind then nothing else that person says can be trusted or relied on. You have to look out for you & your child. Please get your family to agree to assist you in moving back to their location as soon as possible.

"He said I can stay in the house as long as I want, he is paying for my food and gas, he is also paying for me to move back to my dads"

Why even put yourself in a position where he can put you out the house & stop paying for your food & gas.... You may be looking at these promises from him as a ray of hope that he will want to reconcile the longer your remain in the home & in his vicinity however you are putting your stability at risk.

I'm also concerned that he's spoken to council already while you haven't & you've postponed it & are following along with the advice of his council & following his lead when it comes to dividing belongings all without council of your own that has your best interest in mind. You don't need paperwork allowing you to travel out of state with your child. You are being manipulated. You don't need his permission, but that seems what he wants you to believe. As long as you rely of him to pay for travel back to your father then he's controlling your ability to travel. How can two people fairly negotiate dividing property when one person is dependent on the other for house, food & gas. The dependent individual won't feel as comfortable communicating their views & rights about the division of property because they will be on fear of the person who provides their shelter, food, gas may revoke that support therefore you may choose to be more compliant with what he says because he's in the position of power. You are pregnant, hormonal & within days of giving birth, it is in no way fair for him to be even presenting the option of dividing property at this time.

Don't agree to anything until you speak to council.

my husband has all the rights while we are stil married to charge me with kidnapping our child if I leave with her. Granted he says he will not and he knows that's I'm leaving but I'm definitely getting his permission in writing so he cannot try anyways.

I can't leave right now because 1, I can't fly this far along, and 2, I'm definitely not about to ride in a car for 2-3 days at 39 weeks pregnant. Plus I already have my midwife and doulas support. I'm also not leaving because with him being military, he is obligated to take care of me while we are married. I'm not going to leave right now and inconvenience myself when he's the one who screwed me over. He moved out and is living in his new apartment with his friend. My family is coming in right after the baby is born to help me move my things and drive with me to Colorado. But it's a 3 day drive at least with a newborn. My husband will be paying for me to move and has already agreed to it. He realizes that he's the one who screwed up so he's going to be paying for it. He's also paying for my food and gas because he decided to tell me he wanted a divorce a few days after I had started maternity leave, and left me with no money. I'm not going to let my pride get in the way of making sure I'm provided for. Believe me, I want to be out of here asap. I hate living in the house we made together. I hate that he has to support me. But at the same time I need it and it's not my families job to support me at this moment. Sure they would if I asked them to, and they have already offered. But my husband agrees that he is still responsible for making sure I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, especially while I'm carrying his baby. Once I'm out of the house though (2 weeks after baby is born) I'm not going to need him for anything, but he agrees he will be sending me child support starting in February. It will really help me take care of my daughter until I return back to work later that month. I really don't even want his child support either, but I can't take care of my daughter on my own at the moment. But my ultimate goal is to make enough to provide for her on my own. As far as property goes, we have already divided it amongst us with no arguments. I need to sell things asap so that I can leave asap. The state we live in is a community property state, so everything in the house is equally both of ours and that's how we divided everything. I got everything I asked for out of the house without any arguments. It was my idea to divide property right now. There's no way I can leave right now without him providing me with anything, and also divide property at a better time. Everything needs to be out of the house by February because he deploys right after that and we both don't want him to be paying for a house he won't be in for 6 months.