Late Term and Child Loss

Lost son at 27 weeks-can't be happy for others who are pregnant

I lost My sweet boy Griffin, two days after he was born on October 3, 2015. I have been reading these posts from other women for some time now and am excited to join a discussion...

I need help, other women are pregnant in my family and I don't want to be around them, don't care how they are doing and can't bring myself to be happy for them-especially those due the same time as me.... I am usually a caring, selfless person and while I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, I can't be "happy" other women have their baby And mine is gone....I told my husband I would be happy for others if they were sad for me....no one wants to be around a sad person, I get it but don't expect me to want to be around you...the fact of the matter is I am NOT happy for them. Does that make me a bad person?

I dont want to be like this, Griffin was due in Christmas Day and maybe after his due date it will get better....help?

Re: Lost son at 27 weeks-can't be happy for others who are pregnant

  • Hello,

    I am sorry to find you here. Like you I have been reading posts for a while and have yet to share my story until I read your post just now. My son was born at 27 weeks as well and passed away after 30 hours. He was unexpectedly born early and very sick. Up until then everything had been entirely normal with my pregnancy. 

    Like you I had a due date close to Christmas. He was my first pregnancy so I was over the moon excited. We were having Christmas at my house this year and I had been planning the holidays for a while. Understandably everything was cancelled and I chose to have a quiet holiday at home with my husband and my dogs. I put up a very small tree and I bought an ornament in his honor. We have respectfully declined all Christmas related parties or gatherings. 

    Like you I also feel very uncomfortable around other pregnant women. I am very caring and selfless as well so I am not used to feeling so out of character. After reading so many posts on loss I know have become more aware of how difficult it is for some people to even get pregnant. When I see a pregnant person I try to remember that I do not know their story and who knows all they have endured to be pregnant and who knows what lies ahead for them (of course some women have no issues with pregnancy and delivery and live in bliss, we were one of those people at some point and some degree of bitterness is definitely allowed). Now that is normal and this too will pass hopefully. I have been lucky in that many friends after hearing of my loss have approached me with other loss stories I was entirely unaware of. Not everyone is brave enough to share their story. 

    My son was born in the middle of September so I am a couple of weeks ahead of you in this never ending healing process. Things that I have found helpful include seeing a therapist, talking with my husband and family and giving myself time alone. I have been spending a lot of time at home these days which might be counter productive to being able to deal out in the world but grief can be similar to a physical injury, if you had fractured your leg and had surgery you would spend time resting and slowly get back into running without heading straight to a marathon. 

    Sometimes your own thoughts can be your worse enemy as well. I start thinking very pessimistic thoughts such as I am never going to be happy again, I will never be a mother to a healthy child and I will never be able to move on. When I catch myself in this mood I try to take a walk and clear my head. I was waking up every morning at 3 am crying inconsolably but this went away so I am hoping pessimistic thoughts start to fade.

    Keep me posted on how you are doing, you are not alone. 




  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Griffin. The holidays and getting closer to your due date make it all so hard. You are a normal grieving mother who misses her son and how things should have been. Be patient and kind to yourself. You don't need to be happy for others - you just need time and space to grieve. I avoided baby showers and visiting friends with little ones for a while and until I felt ready after the loss of my son. Do what you need to do for you. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.
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  • You are NOT a bad person. You're grieving, and only you can decide when you're ready to be around your relatives who are expecting. Take your time with this process. You don't have to feel like you have to move on sooner than you need too. I don't know you, but I'll be thinking of you, and I know you'll get through this.
    *BFP and Loss Warning*

    Married 10/01/11 to my partner in crime
    TTC #1 since 01/15 
    Me: PCOS 
    3 cycles of Clomid + TI - BFN
    IUI #1 Femara + Ovidrel - BFP!!!
    MC 07/15
    IUI #2-4 Femara + Ovidrel +Crinone - BFFN >:(
    IUI #5-6 Follistim + Ovidrel + Crinone - BFFN!
      IUI #7 Follistim + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + Prometrium + Baby Aspirin - BFP! PLEASE STICK!!!
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  • Thank you so so much for writing this. It really blessed me and I appreciate your candor. I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure he was absolutely beautiful!

    All of you are so appreciated and the first place I have found where true care and support lies. I am so sorry for the loss of all mothers and pray for all pregnant women to never go through this (I know that's not reasonable but do it anyway)...

    It was hard to write it but it actually helps to say things here because there is no judgement and I am SO proud of him, he was perfect...his little lungs weren't ready....we found out I had a placenta infection and we wouldn't have known that-and we wouldn't have had the two days that we did have-had the delivering Doctor not performed the surgery....

    My heart also goes out to the doc-he was young and ours was the first baby he delivered and whom didn't survive-he appeared as devastated as my husband....

    All NICU shift nurses, the delivering doc and my regular OBGYN were at Griffins funeral-that was touching....

    Thank you so much ladies, I needed the support! Hugs!
  • THank you so much! I posted another rely but can't find it...hep?
  • Never mind-found it!
  • We are in touch with my OB nurse still. Our OB delivered our son and he was very upset about it as well.  Our children were very loved and very missed! 
  • Thank you all so much...I am trying to understand this website, it is pretty amazing....

  • @Lovefor5inID I see that you are still around the boards and thought I would be brave enough to bump your thread here since it hasn't been that long.

    I just wanted to say that your story is heartbreaking. No family should ever have to endure this.

    It is hard to know what to say when someone has gone through something so unthinkable. I am sending you love and light to you, your family, and your beloved son Griffin.
  • Thank you thank you thank you, I barely got into the second paragraph before crying. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Words can ever describe in the pain doesn't seem to listen but it's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
  • I miss him so much, my daughter is having a very hard time as well. She seems to take a lot harder than any others....heart is broken...I bought a necklace that has his footprints and handprints, along with his birth stone and the G down below it. I wear every day and it helps me to realize he is real, was real and is my son forever and always.
  • How are you doing?
  • alanna3622alanna3622 member
    edited January 2016
    @Lovefor5inID Oh I feel so much compassion for your daughter. It is so hard for kids to understand pregnancy in the first place, and then to have her brother die like this is so unfair for her.

    I imagine you got the same questions as me durine your pregnancy - how does he breathe in your belly? Does he eat what you eat? (My favourite one: "Can he touch your bones?") And then after loss, the questions are so much more poignant.

    My daughter had a Poem About Me school exercise where she fills in the blanks. In the "I wish ... __________" line, she completed it with "that baby John could be alive". It was touching and sweet and sad, all at once.

    It is hard enough for us adults to absorb and comprehend this loss. It is so much more unfair for a young one to have to do so at all.

    I don't think Griffin will ever -- could ever -- be forgotten in your family and by those who hear about the special time he had with you. I am an internet stranger that is probably 3000 miles from wherever you are, but I will keep him in my thoughts too.
  • Oh hon....thank you and I am so heartbroken over your sweet daughters sentiment...thank you for all of the nice words, amazing person and I wish you the very very best. I like these message boards because it seems like it was the only place I can find people who can understand and therefore give good advice. I love the questions your daughter would ask you, what a darling. You are very blessed to have her in this is my sincere wish you have as many more as you want! I am so sorry you lost John, there really are no words. Be brave. Talk about him every chance you get, it really helps to be able to share how beautiful he is much he means to you.
  • I wanted to thank everyone for your words, I don't have anyone to talk to other than you and I REALLY appreciate everyone...all of my family is having babies around me and I miss my son...no one seems to care, it's as if there is some undisclosed (short) amount of time to grieve and then we are supposed to be over it...everyone asks how pregnant women are doing and no one seems to care about the woman who lost her son...I don't get it...at least it has given me a new perspective on how to treat others...hurts so much though...to know that your loss doesn't really matter to anyone else...

  • @Lovefor5inID hugs to you. We understand. Grieving a child is something I don't think we will ever be done with.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
            
  • I'm glad we can help. Your local hospital may have a perinatal bereavement group. Mine has one and that has also been a great support for me on my own journey. 
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