40 and 1st Baby!!

ginag197540

This is my first child. I'm 40 and this was NOT planned, in fact we didn't want kids but my birth control failed. Is anyone else in this situation? I am not feeling thrilled, I'm more scared to deliver this child, in fact I'm horrified. Please no mean comments, just wanting to reach out to anyone in the same boat.

suprsuz

Not in the same boat, but chances are pretty soon, your entire outlook will change!

DataMom

I'm sorry for your difficult situation.
Although I am pregnant with a child I tried to have, for 10years I didn't want children. There are many people that want to remain child-free and I empathize and understand you. If you want to be child-free, make the decision with confidence. Trust yourself. If you want to go through with pregnancy, be assured that some women (me totally included) find pregnancy and childbirth absolutely terrifying. (We can private message about it if you like, I don't want to freak anyone out who isn't freaked out.) I think everyone deals with these fears differently depending on who they are. I deal with my fear by trying to understand the biology of pregnancy and trying to plan/prepare for the best outcomes possible. These efforts make me feel like I'm doing something and that helps the fear.
I'm happy to continue this over private message, if you like. Life is tough enough. We need to support one another.

QuinnBaby2

My mother was pregnant with me (an only child) when she was forty. She had been trying to get pregnant for 6 years and was looking into adoption when she got the positive test. She was (still is) a great mother and you will be too!

ginag197540

I'd never end a pregnancy, again no judgement to anyone who chooses that as I'm no one to judge! I'm just trying to deal with these waves of fear, saddness, etc.. I can just say that yes, it is the scariest time of my life. People have told us that we should be parents for years. Being a parent has never scared me, childbirth DOES! And I'm really tired of hearing my family say I need to "grow up" and stop being scared. I'm not sure how my fear is immature. Just because I'm 40 doesn't mean I am without fear!

ginag197540

I'd LOVE to chat over pm! Thank you soooooo much!!!!

mrsmommya

@ginag197540  Childbirth is scary for many people so you are not at all alone there.  What exactly are you afraid of and maybe we can offer some kind words?  Is it the pain?  The worry of the health of the baby?  Your health?  C-section?  Tearing? etc.

ginag197540

Hi @mrsmommya! I'm scared of the pain and I truly don't see anything beautiful about something that huge coming out of my vagina! I also have anxiety when I'm in situations I can't get out of so to speak, definitely can't get out of labor. I feel like a planned c-section just makes sense in my mind. I think I look at this far more medically which makes a c-section make sense in my brain for some reason.

MamaC2b2011

Maybe you're scared and perpetuating fear because you've never looked at childbirth any other way than medical. Pregnancy and labor are not emergencies. I'm sorry you're dealing with being pregnant and not wanting to be a mother, that is extremely difficult & something you should maybe come to terms with before addressing your fears surrounding the actual birth. Maybe do some meditating, relaxing breathing & figure out how you can come to terms with your reality. Birth is beautiful. It's so sad how movies and media have perpetuated PAIN & FEAR around something so sacred. Birth is beautiful. I hope over the next 8 months you start to see that. Xo

ginag197540

Sadly I am seeking support that I can't seem to find. At the age of 12 my oldest sister had my nephew, who is now 27. His birth was traumatic. My sister was in the hospital for a week. Again, I was 12! That has ALWAYS stuck with me and again made me know as an adult that physically having children horrified me. My husband and I did however look into adoption. Again, there's a lot of history here and I'm NOT AFRAID to be a parent. My husband and I are loving, responsible, and stable. It's simply perspective, what one person sees as beautiful another sees as terrifying. I am certain a lot of women feel this way but due to the stigma that society places on women that we all must love and adore the birth process, very few will truly speak their minds for fear of judgement.

Elm1214

What I found so scary about childbirth when I was pregnant with DD1 was that there were so many different ways labor could go, and you don't know ahead of time (unless a planned c-section). I'm such a planner, I hated not having control. It helped me to have a birth plan (including a wonderful epideral!) and to know that although you can't plan for everything, these doctors and nurses do this every day and are very good at guiding you and helping you make the best decisions. I was really worried, but FWIW I had 2 great L&D experiences and I'm actually excited for that part this time.

QuinnBaby2

I actually love labor, but I am usually in active labor for just a couple of hours and I have only had to push 3 times with both of my kids. However, I am terrified of the unknown and pregnancy & delivery are always unknown until you can look at them in hindsight.

Mama2Es

 I am 46 and was NOT going to have another baby...got a surprise (shock, horror, sadness.. OMG, I'm screwed) bfp in October that turned out to be a Chemical. Was both sad and relieved. This time around I am more resolute and even excited. We were using protection as well...*sigh*    

ashleybaker712

When I was pregnant with DS I was terrified. I didn't see anything magical or wonderful about the experience. He wasn't planned, I didn't feel like myself, I didn't like the way pregnancy made me feel, I didn't want something ripping it's way out of my body, etc. The birth terrified me. I didn't know how it would go, what would happen, or how I would handle it. I wanted to have a natural birth. That was my goal. It turns out my son was breech and couldn't be turned. I had to have a c-section and felt like I let myself and my son down.

I say this because each person has a different experience, emotions, and thoughts about this whole process. I understand your fears/concerns and hope you find something that calms those. It took me awhile to feel better about any of it but I eventually did. Good luck.

mrsmommya

I would say your fears are VERY common whether the baby was planned or a surprise so know that you are not alone.....maybe seems like it here...but you really aren't.  If you are scared of pain then a planned c-section is not the way to go.  Now if it comes down to a c-section for medical reasons then so be it.  However, vaginal births are usually less painful.  Also remember you can get the epidural and not feel a thing.  If you are worried about contractions then again....as another poster said...movies make it seem far worse than it is.  It really just feels like a bad cramp...that may last for 2 minutes.  You have to keep in mind, as well, that by that point you will have sooo much adrenaline that a lot of those pains won't really "hurt" per say.  

I agree with you...a human coming out of your vagina is not beautiful.  What is beautiful is that you created a human.....you took nothingness and nurtured it and carried it and it grew into a person...with thoughts and feelings and a personality.  This little thing will eventually grow to laugh, smile, talk and love you with every ounce of their being.  That is what is beautiful.  It may just be something you can't understand till you live it.  I can't wait to hear your after thoughts and see how much you can love something beyond words. 

amccul20

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.

I had a very good friend that ended up pregnant 2 years ago. she and her husband had never planned on having kids but their little girl is the light of their world now and they're trying for #2

charmedlifex3

ginag197540  I'm also on the tail end of my friends having babies (I'm the youngest in the group, and older to be having my first), so I have heard all their horror stories. The good news, as my doctor pointed out when I brought it up, is major complications are fairly rare.

Looking at it from the perspective of 15 years worth of child birth horror stories from friends and family, I am a little less blasé about what can go wrong (as I am sure you are too!) Likely also a little less naïve about the whole thing too than if I had had this baby years ago.

It sounds like for you it's more about control of the situation as much as the actual ...giving birth?

I don't know what part of the world you are in, but for me, hiring a doula *really* helped me over come that fear. She is someone who will be aware of how I want the birth of my child to go, and enough education to know when those wishes *should* be honored, and when saving my life, or the life of my child takes precedent. We actually hired a doula before we conceived, because I was unwilling to go through this, until I talked to her. I was all on board for adopting.  

Feeling out of control of your own body, your own life frankly ... sucks. I am right there with you.  It's okay to own that feeling. It won't mean your baby will be less loved once it gets here.

ginag197540

Thank you so much for your reply @Allisun85! I am definitely going to look in to a doula. I've heard amazing things about having one! You are so right, ALL of these years of horror stories have absolutely horrified me! Thank you for your encouragement and understanding!

Stephanie7693

I was so scared of labor with both my kids.. but the last few months of pregnancy with my 2nd, I just pushed it from my mind, there was nothing I could do about it so I just tried to avoid thinking about it. Once I went into labor, you just get through it a minute at a time. And boy does an epidural make all the difference. With my first it didn't work, the 2nd it did, and after he was born I felt like I could have 10 kids if it could be that easy! It's an experience that is hard to describe, but it feels nothing like it looks on tv. And after having been through it twice, drugs and no drugs, I would not want a c-section if I had the choice. And remember, labor is such a short time in the scheme of things. It will end and it will be so worth it.

StephLouise35

I know what you mean! I'm quite frightened of birth also, but just because of the pain factor. Although your story is awfully traumatic is would be a very large and tremendous difference between a 40 year old body giving birth rather than a 12 year old body. In saying that, there will always be some sort of unknown, especially in a first pregnancy! I reckon you'll be great. And I believe that your idea of having a scheduled c-section, sounds like you best and most comfortable option. @ginag197540

Sekerambo

It's normal to be scared and watching childbirth so young can be tramatizing.  I watched my sister give birth when I was 13.  I said I would never have my own kids up until a few years ago.  Honestly, you will be able to handle more than you think when the time comes.  I had an extremely long hard labor, without medication, only to end up with a C-section.  Still, I would go through it again in a heartbeat.  My body took over when it was in labor.  I did a lot of relaxation techniques and it helped immensely.  I did end up with a C-section and wouldn't recommend it.  I did have a quick recovery but it is major surgery.  I was back to most normal activity quickly but it took months to get back to 100%.  I also know several women that have ended up with long term pain from their C-sections. 

I definitely recommend taking an extensive birth class to help put yourself at ease.   We took Bradley birthing classes and came out feeling very educated which allowed us to make necessary decisions when they were needed.  I have also heard great things about hypnobirthing.  Both classes have techniques that will help with labor.   

I think educating yourself on every step and every choice will take some of that fear away.  When I started viewing birth as normal and natural, I was able to put my fears aside and I was able to focus on what my body was actually able to handle.  Please feel free to message me.

BrandiLynn83

If it happened this way, it was meant to be. You'll be thrilled as soon as you hold that little blessing and your world will be changed for the better. God has a plan.

Bethyboo26

@ginag197540 so sorry you are dealing with this fears! Please know as someone who had a difficult labor & delivery I remember NONE of it. My body has completely healed and literally the second that baby is in your arms everything is rosy when looking back.

You can do this!

ThisisNumber3

Congratulations! 

First, take your time dealing with the emotions of having a child.  I think for anyone, even if you want children, as soon as you see that positive line, your world goes spinning.  Thats ok and thats normal.  Take this time to relish your current lifestyle and prepare for the changes coming.  

Secondly, childbirth is way far away so try not to stress out about it too much.  I wasn't looking forward to the idea of a natural childbirth but after doing some research and thinking through it, it is medically safer (assuming a normal pregnancy) and has less complications for recovery.  My OB and I discussed that we would try a vaginal delivery but at the first sign of it not working, we would go to a CS.  I was able to do it though so that was great.  And like others have said, you really do forget about it. 

Fremdschamen

I understand being scared about childbirth-- I was totally there with my first too.  When I was pregnant with my first, it helped me a lot to think about the fact that for the vast majority of people, giving birth is just ONE bad day.  All of us have gotten through one bad day before, and that thought really helped me put it in perspective.

In the end, for me, the birth was not nearly as difficult or scary as being a parent.  I actually found giving birth very empowering and interesting, which is not at all what I was expecting. 

As others have said, seeking out supports like a doula will probably help a lot.  I'd also encourage you to read some of Ina May Gaskin's books-- they cast childbirth in a completely different light (they are a little bit crazy hippie, but definitely changed my view on the birthing process).